Dark Mind, Pure Soul

[Damned Queen]

This is the first song I've ever wrote! I've improved a lot since then but still I have no idea what to do to make it better! Any thoughts? Opinions are appreaciated!!

(Verse 1)
No silence in the air
A demonic laugh's heard everywhere
Something in my head
Demanding me to sin
Telling me this is the only way to win

My heart is beating vividly
Asking for serenity
The angels are calling me
To join in heaven eternity

(Bridge)
Which path should I follow?
I'm divided inside
Torned and lost
Between darkness and light

(Chorus)
My mind is going dark
My soul remains pure
Why can't I understand
Where I belong?
I am a creature of
Two diffirent sides of world
Please tell me who I am
What I am meant to do?
To hate? To kill? To love? To heal?

(Verse 2)
Walking through the fire
A well - known desire
Has bumped into my head
Making me feel well
Thinking of cruelty, violence, death

A peaceful voice I hear
I can finally see clear
I smell the bloom of paradise
Feel the love in angel's eyes

(Bridge)

(Chorus)

[KontanKarite]

Sounds like a KoRn song. Hey, they made millions off of stuff like this. So you must be on the right track.

[Minyaliel]

I'm really sorry, but I have to be blatantly honest. This sucks. I usually write songs, you know, I've actually partially learned how to do this when I was studying music. You lack a good rhythm. And the end rhymes just sound tacky. In a song, you don't need to have everything rhyme (and anyway, avoiding AABB type rhymes is always a good idea - it often sounds better when it's for instance ABAB or even ABCABC). If you write a song, you'll have to think about the fact that it is not goingto end up as a literary work, but as a musical composition.

I'm being this honest not to be a bitch but because I've been there myself. Nobody told me until I'd made an utter fool of myself, and when I found out, that really hurt. So do yourself a favour - learn a bit about music if you haven't done so already, and take a look at songwriting sites like this one (which is a personal favourite of mine, by the way).

[JCC]

The subject is what pisses me off the most.

If you can have a dark mind and a pure soul then the only logical conclusion, considering that these two would be complete opposites, would be to assume that the mind and the soul have no leverage over each other, therefore making the soul obsolete to life and the mind obsolete to any sort of divine judgment, which doesn't sound fair by any stretch of the imagination.

Also I didn't like it.

[Damned Queen]

Relax JCC! It's just a heavy metal song! It sounds great with music with all that solos etc! And yes it's full of opposition! That's why I wrote it that way!

Minyaliel you're not being a bitch girl! To be honest I've no idea what AABB, ABAB etc are! The band takes care of the music, I just try to fit the lyrics in! Thank you for your tips!

Remember it's the first song I've ever wrote! That's why i'm asking for guidance!

[Minyaliel]

I know, dear, and everyone screws up the first time. It's a good thing that you realize this and ask for help. I've seen several newbies who asked for feedback but refused to take it in when they got it; everything they did ended up as inevitable failures. Anyway, the AABB stuff is a simple way to represent rhyme scemes. AABB means line 1 rhymes with line 2, line 3 rhymes with line 4 etc. ABAB means line 1 rhymes with line 3, line 2 with line 4. ABCABC adds a third rhyme pair to the verse, where line 1 rhymes with line 4, line 2 with line 5 and line 3 with line 6. Get it? =) There are loads of possibilities out there other than the boring AABB form if you're willing to think a bit longer ahead than just the ending syllables of the next line.

[Damned Queen]

Thamks you very much for explaining it to me! Your very kind!
Do you have anything written in AABB, ABAB or in ABCABC to check out?
To get an example, you know!!

[Minyaliel]

Sure. I'll have to rely on some stuff that I'm not entirely finished with, though, so anything I don't link to should be regarded as just a sketch.

This poem has partially ABAB, in the middle verses, to be exact, but most particularly noticeable in verse 3.

AABB would be more like (note that this song, of will I'll only post a fragment, definitely is a work- in- progress)

"You were swallowed
by a wave out of the blue;
a wave of nothingness consumed you,
leaving me left behind
to the tormenting thoughts of an empty mind.

My laments rise up to the sky
so passionate even the moon wonders why.
Will I ever feel the comfort of your embrace
or see some tenderness on your hard face?"

With the exception of the first line, this is all purely AABB. Using this form is perfectly alright, but often it is a good idea not to make it too darned obvious, like so (AABB starting from fifth line. This is a dark cabaret style piece I'm working on.):

"...so afraid of loosing him and
... I don't seem to be enough for him.
Will he leave me?
I'll dress up again 'cus he'd like me to,
I'll wear all the jewels he bought in June
I'll not seem desperate, not today
and put on a mask and let it stay that way
The day is perfect, and hey -
I'll find you anyway."

There's more to that one, but I think I've illustrated my point. The other reason I post this excerpt is to try to show you how important a strong rhythm is in a piece of lyrics. It is really essential. This piece has a very particularly noticeable rhythm, as you might have noticed, even though it is unfinished and is lacking in many areas. If you've got a good flow and a strong rhythm, you really don't _need_ rhymes, strictly speaking, although the odd one here and there tends to make the piece seem a little more whole and complete. If you'd like more examples on this, or mixed rhythm stuff or so that I've written, I've got a collection up on my website, The Drawing Room. The reason I post my own pieces, by the way, is because I know these intimately, and thus know the exact composition of them. It's not like they're masterpieces or anything.

[Damned Queen]

Thank you so much for taking the time to post all this!! Now ay least I now where to start from!!

[Minyaliel]

Pleasure to be of assistance