Song I'm proud of

[Joker_in_the_Pack]

Just felt like sharing. I'm happy to take any constructive criticism, I'll disregard any "it sucks" comments. If you think it's bad, try giving some advise on improving it.


We've been knocked down
By our own foolishness
We're on the ground
Stuck in our own mess
Drowning, gasping for air
We chased them all away
And now no one's there


It all started decades ago
We thought we knew it all
But we didn't know
Just how hard it would fall
Around our ears
now we're near our end
We're going to drop, reaching out
But we chased away our friends
With our greed, and our lust for blood
So we're left alone
We created, Our final
clensing flood

We've been knocked down
By our own foolishness
We're on the ground
Stuck in our own mess
Drowning, gasping for air
We chased them all away
And now no one is there

So what if we get up again
It won't matter anyway
It's said and done, but
It will begin again
After today, history will repeat
And blind arrogance
Is where lies our defeat
As for today, find enjoyment
In every single friend
Because this merryment
Will come to an end
In our cleansing flood

We've been knocked down
By our own foolishness
We're on the ground
Stuck in our own mess
Drowning, gasping for air
We chased them all away
And now no one's there

Try as hard as we might
We can't stop the sinking
No matter how hard we fight
Because we failed everyone
The plans were flawed
We were fucked from day one
So all we can do, you and I
Is suck it up and really try
To stick together through it all
Because in the end
The sky will burn and we will fall
In our cleansing flood

We've been knocked down
By our own foolishness
We're on the ground
Stuck in our own mess
Drowning, gasping for air
We chased them all away
And now no one's there


We brought it on ourselves
We forgot reality
And pursued dreams of greed
No one will help
Because their warnings
We did not heed
We're so arrogant
We chased away the help
That we now need
So we're fighting for ourselves
In the end
We will not succeed

We've been knocked down
By our own foolishness
We're on the ground
Stuck in our own mess
Drowning, gasping for air
We chased them all away
And now no one's there

Drowning!
Gasping for air!
Drowning!
No one cares!

We are

Drowning!
Gasping for air
Drowning!
No one cares!
No one cares!
No one cares!

No one really cares

[Needlefeet]

You got music to go with it?

[Joker_in_the_Pack]

Originally Posted by Needlefeet

You got music to go with it?

I have a general cadence. Tuesday I'll sing it in it's cadence to the band. The guitarist or bassist will think of a general melody. From there, it'll assemble itself rather quickly. I can put a drum beat to basically anything.

What were your thoughts on it?

[Needlefeet]

Likewise.
I like it, but I generally like to hear songs before I make a decision on what they're like.
All I have to say is that the chorus is repeated a fair whack, which is why I asked if I could listen to it. Sometimes that can be a good thing, sometimes it can be bad.
Good lyrics though, this could turn out pretty decent.

[Joker_in_the_Pack]

Originally Posted by Needlefeet

Likewise.
I like it, but I generally like to hear songs before I make a decision on what they're like.
All I have to say is that the chorus is repeated a fair whack, which is why I asked if I could listen to it. Sometimes that can be a good thing, sometimes it can be bad.
Good lyrics though, this could turn out pretty decent.

Well, we've got another four songs to work on before this, so once they're all set (bringing a total up to about seven) we'll record the lot and I'll send you the link. It's going to take some time =).

[Needlefeet]

Alright, cheers. Always good to give new music a listen.

[JCC]

These lyrics are too long. You end up repeating the same point a lot, just in slightly different phrases. When you've got something that you want to say, you don't need to keep finding different ways to describe it, take Discharge as an example. The first two verses would be MORE than enough. There are problems there anyway, I think you need to go through it and cut out the cheesy parts, because some do reek of preachiness or just come off as a bit childish, either through clumsy phrasing or sentiment.

[Joker_in_the_Pack]

Originally Posted by JCC

These lyrics are too long. You end up repeating the same point a lot, just in slightly different phrases. When you've got something that you want to say, you don't need to keep finding different ways to describe it, take Discharge as an example. The first two verses would be MORE than enough. There are problems there anyway, I think you need to go through it and cut out the cheesy parts, because some do reek of preachiness or just come off as a bit childish, either through clumsy phrasing or sentiment.

Noted. I'll see what fat I can trim. It was a first draft anyway.