Poem I wrote for a girl on myspace

[Dead Blue Grind]

thou is thy heaven at the end of thee world.
thy faceless dreams, thy mirror to reflect all the beauty in sky. cloudless, brilliant, illuminated.


sallow rose bed skin, velvet silk to thy sight. dream inspiring, ravishing, aphotic strains, thou's hair defines thee night. restrain thy thoughts for thou's smile induces euphoric sleep, dreams one cannot awake from. eyes like the beauty of life itself. seductive, gorgeous, stainless, glittering, coruscating, perfect.


thus my lament, to know thou is not for thy.

I think it turned out real well and I wanted to share it somewhere. I'm aware that the last line should say thee instead of thy but I like it better my way. Any feedback is appriciated.

[Underwater Ophelia]

I either don't get your use of "thee, thou, and thy" or you've used them completely incorrectly.

[DarkHeartedDemoness]

Yeah, if the "thee-thou-thy" thing made any sense at all your poem might be decent... But since I can't really look past the fact that it doesn't make sense, I don't know for sure.

[Dead Blue Grind]

Perhaps one of you could offer me a better understanding of the words so I may help prevent myself from coming across as an idiot in the future?

[Tin_Lizzie]

Thou = you
Thee = (to) you
Thine = yours
Thy = your

It works like this: Our Father, Thou that art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy will be done, Thy kingdom come…For thine is the kingdom…

Read either the King James bible or the Bard, you'll get the hang of it.

[Dead Blue Grind]

Thanks. For some reason I thought thy meant my and thee the.

[Dead Blue Grind]

Revised

thou is my heaven at the end of the world.
my faceless dreams, my mirror to reflect all the beauty in sky. cloudless, brilliant, illuminated.


sallow rose bed skin, velvet silk to my sight. dream inspiring, ravishing, aphotic strains, thy hair defines the night. restrain my thoughts for thy smile induces euphoric sleep, dreams one cannot awake from. eyes like the beauty of life itself. seductive, gorgeous, stainless, glittering, coruscating, perfect.


thus my lament, to know thou is not for me.

[Tin_Lizzie]

Sorry, there's one more "old grammar" tweak. It should be "Thou art my heaven at world's end" and "to know thou art not for me."

It's a lovely poem, very romantic. You'd like reading a bit of John Donne for inspiration.

[Underwater Ophelia]

I'd stay away from the whole "old style" completely. I think it seems cheap, and it's hard to do it right. Plus, it's really obvious when someone doesn't completely understand how to use the old style.
And I know it hasn't happened yet, but please, PLEASE no one refer to this as "Old English." It's not. Not by a long shot.

[Tin_Lizzie]

Around my tower the world goes by.
Deep silence envelops me.
Distant shadows cannot touch
this stillness in mine heart.
I hold myself away from thee,
And thus stay safe from harm.

Unless thou broach these ivied walls
And scale the broken battlements,
Shalt I not remain, e’er dreaming?
Of incandescent skies at twilight
And sparkling stars tossed fitfully
Across the indigo heavens.

Thou hast built this fortress
And placed me safely herein,
I canst but strain ‘gainst these bonds
and favor thy earnest tribute.
Alas, an I be not for thee,
‘Tis thou who willed it so.

[Tin_Lizzie]

You inspired me. I hope my homage in free verse doesn't offend any Metaphysical Poets here (LOL).

[Dead Blue Grind]

I enjoyed that.

[Lykaios]

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

I'd stay away from the whole "old style" completely. I think it seems cheap, and it's hard to do it right. Plus, it's really obvious when someone doesn't completely understand how to use the old style.
And I know it hasn't happened yet, but please, PLEASE no one refer to this as "Old English." It's not. Not by a long shot.

It's not. Old English sounds almost Germanic. This, at the most, uses a couple elements of Middle English, if I'm correct on my language.

[Tin_Lizzie]

Originally Posted by Lykaios

It's not. Old English sounds almost Germanic. This, at the most, uses a couple elements of Middle English, if I'm correct on my language.

Thanks, Lykaios, you are correct in your assessment. As I stated above, this is Shakespearian usage. Middle English would be Chaucerian (14th c), and old English was Germanic - prior to the Norman Invasion (1066), after which French was incorporated into the language.

[Skade]

You got the use of thou, thy, thine etc. correct now that other people pointed it out to you, but it still doesn't work in my opinion. Why are you so eager to use thou's when the rest of the poem is in modern language? It would be much better if it was either consistently old English or consistently modern English. An example:

Originally Posted by Dead Blue Grind

Revised

thou is my heaven at the end of the world.

"Thou ART my heaven..." would be correct. But just "You are my heaven" would sound much more natural. When you only use certain old words it just sounds like you wanted to sound old-fashioned, but didn't have the knowledge to pull it off. Take another look at what Tin Lizzie posted. That's the consistent way to use these words.
"Thou is.." also sounds so wrong to me. If you HAD to mix modern and old shouldn't it at least be: "Thou ARE..."? Otherwise you're saying: "You is my heaven...".
Your poem would be very sweet and romantic if you just rewrote it in modern English, I think. If you want to leave it as it is, you could always rename it "The Chaotic Slaughter of Pronouns"

[Dead Blue Grind]

Originally Posted by Skade

it just sounds like you wanted to sound old-fashioned, but didn't have the knowledge to pull it off.

^^^This is truth. This thread however is teaching me a bit.

[Tin_Lizzie]

Originally Posted by Dead Blue Grind

^^^This is truth. This thread however is teaching me a bit.

I was feeling guilty for highjacking your thread, so I'm glad it was actually helpful. Seriously, read the 17th century metaphysical poets. I think you'd like them.

[Godslayer Jillian]

Speaking about metaphysical poets, can someone explain me metaphysical conceit?

[Tin_Lizzie]

They were witty, subtly argumentative and used unusual similes and metaphors. An oft-repeated concept was that the beloved’s perfection was like the perfect beauty of the eternal, which is why Dead Blue Grind’s first line echoed the metaphysical for me.

[Godslayer Jillian]

I have heard of that definition, but what differentiates the metaphysical conceit from a simple metaphor?
It's too confusing for my brain -__-

[Vyvian Blackthorne]

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

I'd stay away from the whole "old style" completely. I think it seems cheap, and it's hard to do it right. Plus, it's really obvious when someone doesn't completely understand how to use the old style.
And I know it hasn't happened yet, but please, PLEASE no one refer to this as "Old English." It's not. Not by a long shot.

It's not hard to do if you have the right refrecnes.

[Tin_Lizzie]

G.Jillian, the metaphors are more complicated and inspired by Plato's philosophy, such as comparing a man to a land mass, or a soul to a dew-drop. Which is a bit of a stretch, but somehow John Donne and Andrew Marvell convinced me.

Vyvian, we should form the first postmodern Metaphysical Poets Society. There's at least three of us here that can write it

[Underwater Ophelia]

Originally Posted by Vyvian Blackthorne

It's not hard to do if you have the right refrecnes.

Right. And I said "hard to do it right." Which is true. What you said is also true. However, they don't contradict each other, so there's no problem here.

[Vyvian Blackthorne]

Originally Posted by Tin_Lizzie

G.Jillian, the metaphors are more complicated and inspired by Plato's philosophy, such as comparing a man to a land mass, or a soul to a dew-drop. Which is a bit of a stretch, but somehow John Donne and Andrew Marvell convinced me.

Vyvian, we should form the first postmodern Metaphysical Poets Society. There's at least three of us here that can write it

Thank you! Have you read my work? If so, that's very flattering, because I'm often rejected.

[Godslayer Jillian]

Yay, I finally understand metaphysical conceit.