Little Boy Lost

[Jillian May Scortfil]

Change of season
Autumn of prison
Little boy lost
In the crimson fall...
Autumn has his heart
Claws his way through the dark
Little boy lost
In the grey fog...
Weeping in his corner
Tears of a loner
Little boy lost
In this cruel world...
Hold him close to my heart
Never knew he loved that
He’s...
My little boy lost
So very lost...

Marina Trandaki © 2008


I had sent this poem in a competition, in poetry. com, and I was nominated as one the Best Poets of 2007... I didn't win the prize, but it was nice to know that this one was so much appreciated... I sincerelly hope that you will like it as much!

[sweet.sacrifice]

hey i liked it very much....thx anyway....i also wright poems but actually i dont know where to send it.....hey i hope u add me and talk to tell me ...and i hope we became friends

my e-mail : sweet.gothic_sacrifice@**********

will wait ur addition

[Fatbaby]

The poem is very expressive though it needs work toward the end. Watch those poetry endorsers. They take your poem put it in a book woth a thousand other poems of minimal quality then try to get you to buy the book for $30 or $40 dollars.

[Saya]

Originally Posted by Jillian May Scortfil

Autumn of prison
Little boy lost
In the crimson fall...
Autumn has his heart
Claws his way through the dark
Little boy lost
In the grey fog...

The line I have in bold is one you should change, it breaks what rhythm you had and trips up the reader. You don't seem to have a set rhythm pattern, but that line just sticks out like a sore thumb.

[JCC]

2007 must've been a slow year.

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by Jillian May Scortfil

[color=DarkRed][size=4]
I had sent this poem in a competition, in poetry. com, and I was nominated as one the Best Poets of 2007... I didn't win the prize, but it was nice to know that this one was so much appreciated... I sincerelly hope that you will like it as much!

Poetry.com didn't like your poem. They liked the possibility that you're stupid enough to give them money. Everyone who submits to that site will win a prize, that prize being publication in an enormous volume with 8 poems crammed onto its every page in 5 point font, a book that will never be carried in stores, though this reward will only be conferred upon you if you are willing to pay $40. Congratulations.

[Jillian May Scortfil]

To: gothicusmaximus and Fatbaby:

I know... They had sent me an envelope, wherein they were offering me some "special" place in the book, some random prize etc, etc, etc. I had contemplated giving them the money requested to do so (approx. 80$-that's about 100 euros), then I gave it another thought and decided against doing it... Is that alright with you?

To: JCC:

Actually, I sent this poem this year, this June, to be exact... They said I was for last year's nominations... Does that mean I live in another time-space-thingy??? :P LOL

To: Saya:

I don't care whether it does break the rhythm and trips up the reader, it's what it is and you'd better deal with it.

To: sweet.sacrifice:

Okay, I'll add as soon as possible! Thanks for liking it!

_________________________________

Till sunset arrives... Misty

[Godslayer Jillian]

See? This is why I rarely frequent the Literature section.

[Despanan]

Originally Posted by Jillian May Scortfil

I don't care whether it does break the rhythm and trips up the reader, it's what it is and you'd better deal with it.

^ This sentiment is exactly what's wrong with a great deal of what I've seen in the literature section. There are so many people who seem to come in here for nothing but Kudos, and when there's anything remotely resembling criticism they turtle up like some kind of hyper-defensive...uh...turtle.

I mean you can take or leave criticism, but if you expect to ever grow as a writer (and JMS, you have a TON of room to grow) you're going to have to learn to look at your work from a more critical perspective.

[Fatbaby]

There is no reason to shout.

[Despanan]

Capslock Is Awesome On Cruise-control!!!11one.

edit: WTF? oh come on; you're telling me this forum robs me of the right to talk ironically in allcaps?

Screw you gothic.net. Screw you.

[Heavenly_Goth]

I liked this poem I touched me, it made me wanna cry...keep writing like this and I look foreward to reading your writings.

[Jillian May Scortfil]

Heavenly_Goth, thank you!

[Godslayer Jillian]

Originally Posted by Heavenly_Goth

I liked this poem I touched me, it made me wanna cry...keep writing like this and I look foreward to reading your writings.

Mediocrity won't really be tolerated in this site, though.

[Despanan]

I have a question JMS: What exactly is this poem about?

[MegearaErotica]

This is why I don't post my poems on here. Everyone gets criticized and I know I'd get hell for mine.

[Saya]

Originally Posted by MegearaErotica

This is why I don't post my poems on here. Everyone gets criticized and I know I'd get hell for mine.

Critique is a good thing though, if you seriously want to learn to write poems you might want advice on how to improve, which was all I tried to do -_-* some people just don't want to improve, however.

[MegearaErotica]

I only write poems to put down my feelings in words. It's really just a stress therapy for me and I throw away my poems afterward.

[Despanan]

There's nothing wrong with that. I paint for the same reason (though I don't throw them away afterwards).

[Jillian May Scortfil]

Despanan:

It was just my view about a child, which is too innocent for this world, hence the line "Weeping in his corner / Tears of a loner"... It's just about the isolation that the young children of today suffer from, and some people don't even spent a moment to consider that these children might need a hug every once in a while, just to know that they are loved... Did I answer your question or did I make it seem more complicated? Anyway, thanks for reading it!

[Despanan]

Yeah, you answered it. I had a suspicion I wanted to confirm.

The problem I'm seeing with this poem is that I don't find much depth to it, it's all surface. Because you're talking about a generic lost child, your poem is dealing with a very broad Archetype and therefore makes the descent into clich'e very quickly.

If you were to rewrite this, I'd recommend you write about a specific isolated child that you know of personally. Or if you want to write about the isolated children of the world you need to talk about them from your point of view.

Writing, like all art, is a process of self-discovery. A poem should be a way of showing us the world the way you experience it. Be open, and honest, and above all give us the poem you have, not the poem you think we want to hear. Otherwise it's just going to be a cardboard cutout.

Anyway, you obviously enjoy writing, so keep it up. The stuff you've got is a good start.

How old are you anyway?

[Jillian May Scortfil]

I'm 20. What about you? (sorry, I'm just curious...! :P)

[Despanan]

I'm twenty-five.