A Thread of Poetry ( Only Post Poetry HERE!! )

[Disfunction]

My main piece of advice is to lay off the caps lock.
Try your best to avoid word repetition, at least as little as possible (such as the use of conscience, three times). Words similar to conscience that could have sufficed: ego, psyche, consciousness.

Exhalation, Disappear were both spelled incorrectly, but to your credit those appear to be the only ones (someone catch this one if I'm wrong).

If you'd had a word program, I'm assuming you didn't from disclaimer at the bottom, it could have been more efficient. All and all, I suppose it was interesting to say the least, but I'm not going to lie for sake of your feelings and say it was one of my favourites. Keep at it.

[Disfunction]

This is probably my favourite piece that I've written to date, so I thought I might as well post it and see what I get for input... and as far as I know, I haven't posted it on Gothic before... but I apologize if I have.

For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge

Into the apartment across the hall,
Bed sheets riddled by fluids of affection.
A smile permeating from between her lips.
Something feral in our midst.
Child-like in demeanour, he grins.
Two fools dancing in a field of broken dreams
Ones they had yet to, and will never, see.
The acrid smell of old love hangs in the air.
She subtly lifts her dress so slightly;
the unmistakable features of a woman,
But for this role she was typecast as a man.
His grin still lingers, uncertain,
Yet his features harden into sin.
Innocence flees toward the window,
Beset by her boldness, he turns away;
Cheeks are reddened by disgrace
This game not his to play.
The brutish nymph approaches,
Sets him down to lay.
He glances toward the window,
But for her it’s time to play.

[MrMaelstrom]

Why not drop the Van Halen attitude and just call it FUCK?!

Are you sure about the coma between the "never" and the "see" in the 7th line?


'cause I'm not.

Good one, mate. Keep'em coming, please. I likes....

[Disfunction]

I'm certain of the correctness of the comma. I don't know the technical terminology, but it's closed off in commas because the sentence itself would make sense without them.

Sort of like "Jack, who happened to be blind, was joggin amidst the rush hour traffic."

Only, I catch that there may be something wrong with it, since it's not the same format... ehh... who knows. I'll wait for someone with a better grasp on the language.

That said though, thanks for the comment. I'll be sure to try to get the creative juices flowing again.

[Solumina]

the coma is right but the word order feels a little off in that line...maybe switch the "never" and "will" and I don't reallly like the "are" in line sixteen but other than that it's great

[Disfunction]

Originally Posted by Solumina

the coma is right but the word order feels a little off in that line...maybe switch the "never" and "will" and I don't reallly like the "are" in line sixteen but other than that it's great

I definitely agree with the matter of "are"... I should get rid of it.

[Panther]

This is a silly bit of fluff I wrote. I figured I might as well put it up and embarrass myself *grin*.

Identity

Don't quote Shakespeare or Frost.
Dickenson will not turn my head.
Something in translation's lost.
Use your own words instead.

I don't want expensive gifts;
Or cute, but sappy, cards.
Those things could put up a rift.
Please, don't try too hard.

Love has no price or need
Of goache material things.
Like a child who's hands will bleed,
From a plethora of rings.

I am not being easy,
You have to know this.
Love should not be breezy,
And blown away like mist.

I demand your heart and mind,
And a good part of your soul.
Because while love is truly blind,
It has to have control.

And then, if you choose to give,
Your soul and mind and heart;
Then for all my days I'll live,
To give you my best parts.

I don't have much money,
I'm not beautiful or pleasant;
But my heart's as sweet as honey,
and my soul is the best present.

The mind I open up to you,
Is a rare and glorious thing.
The thoughts it shows to you are new.
A different view they bring.

So leave your money, flowers, gifts,
And I will give you praise.
These things just can not compete,
With loving, playful days.


So . . . yeah. Not exactly 'See the blood drip from the knife as I draw it back and laugh in the glory of my own demise', but . . . no less real and emotional, despite the fact a three year old could have written it.

Dis, I commented on your latest the first time you posted it, and it’s still good on the second posting.

Outside, I’ll parrot what Dis said, but as for content and style? It has a definitive voice, and a palpable string of consciousness. You could clean it up and hammer it out, no doubt, and turn it into an effective piece of prose.

Panther, you’re right, it is fluff…but nice fluff, all Hallmarkee and shit, and imparts a warm tingly feeling of happy joviality. There is nothing wrong with it, nothing whatsoevery :}

[Panther]

*chuckles* thanks. I was afraid you'd demand I surrender my eyeliner and book of Poe.

[Disfunction]

Originally Posted by TStone

Dis, I commented on your latest the first time you posted it, and it’s still good on the second posting.

Outside, I’ll parrot what Dis said, but as for content and style? It has a definitive voice, and a palpable string of consciousness. You could clean it up and hammer it out, no doubt, and turn it into an effective piece of prose.

Panther, you’re right, it is fluff…but nice fluff, all Hallmarkee and shit, and imparts a warm tingly feeling of happy joviality. There is nothing wrong with it, nothing whatsoevery :}

All I have need of doing is gaining the attention span to realize it was posted... on this very same page...

However, I did have some edits to it, and in light of this foolery, I'm gonna have to write up something new.

[MrMaelstrom]

Please do wrtite something new. We eagerly await the new wine...

[BWilder]

Herro everybody! Here's where I'll post my poetry... First up:


People Effect

Sometimes simplicity
Waits unplanned,
Confronts complexity,
Wanders the wonderful

Drumrolls, the violins
Flowing and faultering,
Deep hail halts,
Waited, waiting…

Thoughts complex
Calmed, unplanned-
Comforts simplicity,
Wanders the wonderful.

[Panther]

That is the best thing I've read in a while.

You never fail to amaze me, darling. How do the words I use everyday become that powerful when they fall into your hands? You are truly an excellent writer.

Eh? Not as impressive as your accolades, babe, and to those I am genuinely greatful, but eternally unworthy of. Thank you for the kind sentiments, because without them?

It would be a worthless endevor.

And did you happen to notice the caped words, and put them in order of appearence? Just a little subliminal message to the masses :}

Thank you Panther, really, from the bottom of my heart. You have always had kind words for me, and I don't forget those kindnessess. Thanks.

[Sxalene_89]

Okay I'm new here so I was like why not put in a poem or some crap and then I was like why not? so Yeah!! Anywho I wrote this a while ago and I just pulled it out randomly so go ahead and comment or watever.

Here I am
a shell of the person that I used to be
Broken thoughts and dreams
surounding me
Here I am
a disappointment,
a failure to all... a failure
to my mother
Here I am
alone and afraid,
with no one to turn to.
Here I lay
without feeling, without hope
My breath leaving my body,
suffering no more
I was here,
alone and afraid,
a disappointment to my mother and myself,
but now I'm no more;
I will not breath
I will not love but...
I will also never feel
never yearn,never fear,
never hunger or thirst for things that I cannot attain.
I was here but I will not be for long..

[winged_dreams]

Poetry thread! GO POST POETRY IN THE POETRY THREAD!

[Panther]

Ah, I give no compliments that aren't deserved, m'dear.

And I'm always happy to serve. *bows*

[angelic lilith]

heres a short poem i wrote

The Darkness

Into the darkness I hide,
I am trapped, with my demons inside.
Dirty, torn, and ripped apart.
There is pain, like thorns to the heart.
I know this place will never be quite whole.
Hard to believe this place is my soul

[cussedness]

TWILIGHT PATH

A twilight path that runs east of the sun
So that my hand summons Dawn before I die
To stand in the light, to know its touch
So my hand touches God before I die.

I will not fear my blood upon another’s lips,
I will step into the flames of righteousness,
Sweet suffering of freedom for my belief,
I will burn, but I shall not rise in darkness

A path at twilight runs east of the sun.
Dawn now summons for me to die,
The path is barred, the gates are locked
I rest, I dream, from me they’ll hear no cry.

I never found the twilight path of shadowed sun,
Yet sun it was. In the light I could not touch,
I built my house of sticks and set it burning.
This day I die, from fate I will not run.

I stand within the womb of the flames.
I perish reaching for the Dawn
My honor clean, my ash remains
I have not lived in vain.

[livetodie]

Broken Lives
Say No More
You Took My Heart
And Locked The Door
You Lied To Me
But Can't No More
Cuz You're Dead
To Me
And I've Realized
I Don't Need You Anymore

[FenrisQueen]

um, ok. But this should go in the poetry thread. Poeeettttrrryyyy thread. Am I getting through to you? Can you understand me at all?

[MrMaelstrom]

Maëlstrom to the rescue: thread merged.

[Spazik]

Well life's got me sad,
But if I had a midget I'd be glad,
I'd watch him jump around,
On my Nintendo Power Pad,

He'd have short legs,
A long neck and little torso,
And the name that I gave my pet midget,
Would be Little Gordo,

Little Gordo had a problem,
Little Gordo wet the bed,
So I made him wear diapers,
On his ass, and his head,

Always running around,
Little Gordo acts a fool,
So I'd slap him in the face,
And say "Bitch be cool!"

[Disfunction]

*slow methodical pacing*

Dream within a dream,
Crescent of stolen virtue;
Beauteous unflowers,
With shattered glass petals,
Sleep in rest forever,
Or smile with purity.
Love stole our innocence;
Love stole our secrets.
Blankets of truthful discourse,
Allotted a smile per hour.
Broke the tides of current;
Unleashed furious desire.
A passion-play of flesh,
Snow dotted battleground.
Nymph within the shadows;
Hedonistic other-world.
Lost romance in the distance;
Southward affection stirred.
Loved in the wrong crowd.
The shadowless life.

*hurried escape*

[TeapotScar]

This is my weird little poem about advice. It doesn't FLOW, which makes it suck. I'm terribly sorry.


If stability's your goal,
I say "Go dig a hole
And put your feet in it.
Such a deep pit,
You'll soon be rock solid."

If adventure's your game
I say "Such a shame,
adventure's not real.
You'll just have to deal
With life as it goes."

If you're afraid of the dark,
"Go swim with a shark-
You can't be afraid of everything.
Because the longer you cling,
The farther you fall."

If you're a people person,
"Your reputation will worsen,
If you're not liked by all!
Isn't that a meaningless call
when no one really matters?"

But my advice is conceited,
It's myself I defeated.

Trying to talk down to others
Instead of treating them as brothers!
It's so human and so cold-
I think must be growing old.