New Joke thread

[devereaux]

Originally Posted by Blushing Heliophobe

From a co worker....

What do you call Magic Johnsen in a wheelchair?

Roll-Aids!!!

I used to say that when I was a kid, but as I got older I felt guilty about it

[Blushing Heliophobe]

All my jokes are old...

It's evil and I'm bad but it's funny.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

[devereaux]

Originally Posted by Blushing Heliophobe

All my jokes are old...

It's evil and I'm bad but it's funny.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

I'm a pretty witty person, but I'm really bad with stock jokes, so all I really have are two jokes my grandfather told me a long time ago:

1)How can you talk to a fish?
Drop it a line.

2)Where can you find a turtle with no legs?
Where you left it.

[Blushing Heliophobe]

Oh, Devereux, it's on!

(Are you a Frenchy, any chance?)

Q. What did the fish say when it hit the wall?
A. Dam!

Q. What's the most musical part of your body?
A. Your nose. You can pick it and blow it!

Top that, mister-my-jokes-are-worse-than-yours!

[devereaux]

Yeah, I can't compete with those winners right there...

Actually I'm of Mexican-Norwegian descent

[Blushing Heliophobe]

Odd mix there.

Okay, how about this one.

Two high school age girls decide to go to a movie. They buy their tickets, popcorn, what have you, and get in line to enter the theater. While in line, they are stopped by a large, smelly, and generally nasty pirate. He says, "You girls can't go in there!", to which they respond, "Well Pirate-Man, we paid for our tickets already, why can't we go in?". He scowled and replied, "Because it's rated AAAaaarrrrrrrgghh!"

I know. That sucks.

[MedicGirl]

K. I got one.

Know the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?




You can't HEAR an enzyme!

[flawed-mentality]

Heres a few of my favorites. A guy walks into a bar he says outch.
A horse walks into a bar ,bartender says why the long face.
Two elephents and a symbol fall of a cliff ,bud ump tch.
those are some of my favortite lame jokes here are some other kinds. Whats funnyer then seven bebies in one berral in the middle of the ocean? One baby in seven barrels in the middle of the ocean.
A little kid whos mexican is in his kitchen .His mom is makeing tortilas wille shes doing this she spills flower all over her son.The son say hey mama look i'm a white boy.mother slaps him go tell your father what you just said. he tells his dad.Daddy look i'm a white boy.The dad slaps him and says go tell your grama what you just said.He dose and the grama slaps him and tells him to tell his mother what he just said. the mom looks at him and says did you learn a lesson from this?The boy say ya iv'e been a white boy for five minutes and already I hate all you mexicans. I thought that was funny when I herd it.Just so you know i'm mexican.

[Shadowed Aegis]

*wonders if they sell dictionaries for the above post*

[Demonista_Ravenesque]

My joke:

Q: What does Michael Jackson like about twenty-seven year olds?

A: There's twenty of them.

[rubedo]

fuckin classic demonista

[Demonista_Ravenesque]

My brother just told me this one and I cracked up:

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

A: He wiped his ass.

[rubedo]

u should be fined for makin me laugh

[Demonista_Ravenesque]

A guy walks into a tattoo of a 100 dollar bill on his man part.

After asking the tattooist about his request, the tattooist refused, but after hours of pleading, The tattooists asks for three good reasons for getting a 100 dollar bill tattoo on his schlong.

The man tells him:

"You see, I like to watch my money grow, secondly I like to handle my money and thirdly, if my wife wants to blow a 100 bucks, I've got it here for her."

[MrMaelstrom]

Girl - Dad, can I have money to go to the movies?

Dad - Sure. If you suck my dick.

She does. Dad gives her the money. As she leaves she says:
-Dad, your dick tastes like shit.

Dad - I know. Your brother wanted to go watch the game.

[WolfMoon]

Sooooooo wrong, Mael!

)

[Ben Lahnger]

The Mailman

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual
route.

As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars were in the
driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a
load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one
hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the
first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about
fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and
it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started
playing WHO AM I?"

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a
sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the
sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven
times...."

puh-dum-bum!

[Ben Lahnger]

As we get older, we really know what we want!

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5.00 I'll have s*x with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Get serious", she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair."

(Is this thing on? Ladies and germs, I tell ya ...)

[Ben Lahnger]

The 90-Year Old Man

A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better... I have an 18-year old
bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"

The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season.
One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When
he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang",
and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."

The doctor said, "My point exactly".

...

[Ben Lahnger]

A Jewish Guide To Orgasm

An older Jewish man married a younger woman. After several months, the young woman
complained that she had never climaxed during sex and by birthright, all Jewish women are
entitled to at least one climax during sex.

So they went to see the rabbi. The rabbi tells them to get a strong, virile young man to
wave a towel over them while they are having sex. This, the rabbi says, will cause the
woman to climax, so the couple tries it. After several attempts, still no climax.

They go back to the rabbi. The rabbi says for the bride to change partners and have the
virile young man have sex with her and have the husband wave the towel. They try it that
night and the young woman goes into wild, screaming earsplitting climaxes, one after the
other.

When it is over, the husband smugly looks down at the young man and says, "You see,
schmuck, THAT's how you wave a towel!"

...

[PhilSmith]

How do you know a drummer's knocking on your door?
He keeps speeding up and slowing down.

What's the difference between a foot spa and a drummer?
One bucks up your feet.

What do you tell a drummer with two black eyes?
Nothing. You've already told him twice.

How can you tell the drum risers on your stage are level?
The drummer's drooling out of both corners of his mouth.

How dioes a lead guitarist change a lightbulb?
He holds the lightbulb against the socket and the world revolves around him.

[Ben Lahnger]

Concerning the unemployment problem:






[IMG]

http://i30.photobucket.com/albums/c324/BenLahnger/WillWorkForDogFood.jpg[/IMG]



Actually, I may have a position available for that last one! :-D

I loved those jokes and pictures Ben! So here is one of many.

How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way

1.Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the
water in
the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both
lids. You
may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises
that
come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash"
and
rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are
no
people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both
lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
and run
outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

[Ben Lahnger]

Which results in this:

[Ben Lahnger]

LEATHER

When a woman wears leather clothing:

A man's heart beats quicker,

and his throat gets dry,

and he goes weak in the knees,

and he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wonder why?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Because she smells like a new truck!

.