Rant Thread

[Needled]

I think it's better for her to experience a break up like this while she's young, so she will be prepared in her next relationship. It's good to get it over with.


Well today will be my last day in the house I'm living in as I type this. We were evicted, so now I'm supposed to live with my uncle. My mom told me that at the end of the semester I can move with her to New York. I don't want to leave my friends and all my possessions behind, but this wont be the first time I've had to do that. It seems like all my life has been moving and my parents telling me this is the last move, we're starting over... All that shit that I know not to believe anymore. New York is actually one state I haven't lived in yet. I think it will be better for me though because there are more opportunities for me there. I hate North Carolina. I always have. We always came back to NC because we had family here. And in Michigan. But my mom hates the snow in Michigan, I don't think she realizes that it isn't going to be much better in NY.

My other option is to move to Oregon to live with my sister again. I lived with her 2 years ago when she was in California. That was okay, my sister is only 26 and she has her shit together. Our mom is kind of jealous because Chris makes good money and has 2 kids.. nice house.. you know, everything we don't have. I keep in touch with my sister, and we are pretty close. She never writes or talks to my mom though. They've never been close. When Christina was younger she lived with her dad (diff from my dad), because mom was on drugs and she was always with different guys.

Anyhow, most likely I will end up moving with my mom. My dad doesn't know about it.. my mom wants to just leave without him knowing, like in the middle of the night or something.. So I'm not 'allowed' to say anything.

I've always had to keep secrets like this. I remember on my 13th bday my dad bought a bottle of vodka for me and told me not to tell my mom. The next day i had a friend over and my mom got us a case of beer telling us not to tell my dad. But this secret I'm keeping from my dad is much bigger than anything I've had to keep to myself. I will feel kind of bad just leaving him. So I'm thinking that the night we leave I'm going to write him a long letter explaining why i left, and why i never said anything.. I'll definitely want to keep in touch. I'm hoping when I move, it will be the last time. Maybe one day I will be able to call some place home.

[joyslayer]

Hopefully. But when you are 18, you can leave and live where ever you like. But I would suggest college.

[gothboy13]

none of my relationships has ever lasted a week (people think im weird)

[joyslayer]

I've had one that lasted two years. But sadly, the guy killed himself which kind of cut our time together a little short.

[Wise Child]

That sucks, Needled. Knowing from personal experience how hard it is to be forced into the middle by your parents, people in a position of authority who're old enough to know better (meaning no disresepect to your parents, but it really isn't fair in this instance to put you in that position), all I can say is that it won't always be like this. A few more years and you'll be able to choose for yourself. I know it's easy to say when you're old enough to be away from it, but it's true. :-) The worst thing about being a kid is being totally under the power of your parents and having no say in what happens even when they're being unreasonable or hard on you - and since all parents are human beings, there probably isn't a kid in the world who doesn't know what that's like.

gothboy - you're only fourteen, if your profile is right, and it's not that unusual for relationships to be short when you're young. Just take it easy. Dating's supposed to be fun and if you don't click with someone, you'll regret it later if you waste a load of time on someone you don't click with, just for the sake of having a g/f.

[horrorgirl]

A member has been posting neo-nazi drivel and nobody is seeming to notice. Saxie posted some neo-nazi crap in the poetry thread that was written by the neo-nazi group Prussian Blue. He also posted their lyrics in another thread. The member has to know what the lyrics are about so I am not going to believe that they don't. I hate racist nazi morons and this is really pissing me off.Neo-nazis have been trying,and in some ways have succeeded, in gaining a foothold in the goth/industrial subculture. I have seen them try to post the same kind of crap on other boards. Could somebody delete the drivel and tell Saxie that if he wants to post that crap then do it elsewhere, because it is really offensive.

[WolfMoon]

Man, I didn't even realize that horrorgirl! I don't really read the poetry thred that often.

[joyslayer]

Wow, I didn't notice that either! I don't read the poetry one at all. I dunno what they was thinking......

[Surgeon Méchant De Sang]

We had something like that happen up here where I'm living now. They were actually out there putting flyers on cars, asking people to boycott certain brands, because the people that owned these companies were supposedly jewish. I think nsm88.com (or .org or .net, I don't really remember) and I think it's about time people take a real stand against this stupid crap.

My rant that I'm posting relates to this stupid neo nazi bullshit...

I have a acquaintance (I honestly don't consider her a real "stable" friend anymore) who lives up in Canada. I knew her before she moved up there - we used to be friends in high school. I used to like her because I thought she was intellegent, and spoke her mind; but it turns out that isn't as smart or as wonderful as she would like people to think she is.

I think she's the biggest hypocrite that has ever walked this earth. She changes her ideals and standards on a daily basis. One day she may be this, or one day she may be that. She's went from Baptist, Buhhdist, Wiccan, and all the way to being a neo-nazi. I always remember her talking about Hitler, and claiming that she was related to him in some way. I guess you could say that she always had some kind of strange fascination with him - being that he was her RELATIVE and all. (Which is bullshit by a big fucking long shot!)
The wheel started to turn when she moved to Canada. She had picked up a copy of Mein Kampf somewhere, and then suddenly she decided that she was a nazi. She started to network with particular people, including one moron named Steve who has claimed to be a firefighter, and has also claimed to be in the U.S. Military. (He claimed that he knew Rammstein personally, and that he was going to arrange a meeting with them. She also likes to claim that all their new music is being inspired by her. ) (*Note - This moron happens to live at home with his parents, a statement he has made quite a few times despite the grandiose lies he likes to spew.)
It got to where she she claimed she was associating with people who were part of the aryan nations. I told that it was a topic that I was not willing to discuss with her, and backed off for awhile. I knew it would be a matter of time before she would change her mind about being a BIG FAT BIGOT.
She met another guy (for some reason this girl thinks that the Internet is one big dating service) who she claims is "native" and now claims that she's not racist at all. As a matter of fact, she says she doesn't "understand" why there is so much hate. Now she thinks it's "wrong".
She actually goes the extra mile, and goes on and on about it's wrong to hold any prejudice against anyone.
Like I said, hypocrite.
Another thing that bothers me is that she having a baby with this guy and she's barely known him for a year. She hasn't know this guy for very long, and she's going to have a baby with him. (This of course, is her second child. ) She pawned the first one off to her parents, because she claimed that she didn't want to take care of baby. She said it was too much of a responsibility for her, so she handed off that responsibility to her parents. Of course they readily took the child...
I got a nasty feeling that she's going to pawn this one off as well when she finds out that she doesn't want to have the responsibility of taking care of this one either.
She goes through men like a person with a cold goes through kleenex. She'll eventually get bored of her new boyfriend, and knowing her, she'll probably log online and find another moron to string along. Perhaps she'll have a baby with him too...
It's only a matter of time before she changes her mind again.

[joyslayer]

Oi, I would imagine that would be quite annoying. Kind of like a guy who won't shut up abotu his creepy sexual fantasies.....

[JuliaGaltic]

It's 3:30am and I'm still awake. It's going to be another sleepless night for me. There are too many things running around in my head.

How do you get motivated when nothing sparks your interest? Lately, I just feel like a zombie walking through life. I go through all the motions of being alive, but when I'm alone and undistracted, I can stare at a wall for hours. I'm hurting those around me. Mainly my boyfriend since he's the only one that can tell that, even though I act as though I'm there, I'm becoming a shell of what I used to be.

Nothing is terribly wrong with my life. Shit, I've seen people post things in here that are 10 times worse than any complications I might have at the moment. I think that may be part of the problem as well. Nothing is going on that is really bad but nothing is going on that is really good either. I guess I feel kind of stuck. Not moving forward and not moving backward either and no sign of any movement in the future.

I suggested to my bf that maybe I should go visit family in LA for a little while, that maybe that would unstick the routine and jump start things. He said he'd miss me too much and that there shouldn't be anything that we shouldn't be able to get through together. He sees it as something we have to help eachother through. I agree with both his and my opinion.

I just don't know what to do or what there is to do even.

Phew, if you read all that, you're a trooper...

[AlKilyu]

That sounds like depression. I'd ask your doctor what he or she thinks and if anti-depressents are in order.

[pitseleh]

So I'm a trooper, then... No, I don't deserve a title like that, since it wasn't a chore at all, really Julia - give yourself some credit.

Well, what little I can say is - I know how you feel. I'm sure basically everyone does, in some respect. Going through times when you're not all there, and life feels like a level plane with no significant valleys or hills, just trudging along... hehe, not to sound like Marvin or anything...

I guess about the only advice I can give you is what you already thought; to do something out of the ordinary. It could be something like taking a hike in the mountains, going on a little trip like you said, maybe stick up a convenience store with a bag of snakes, eat shrooms and do a big oil-painting... the possibilities are endless!

These are just idle, please-do-not-try-this-at-home suggestions, but yeah... I suck at giving advice, did you know? Good luck with your life anyway, I'm sure a smart girl like you will find a way to resolve the situation, or lack thereof.

[JuliaGaltic]

Oh no, you don't get to give great suggestions like that and then tell me "not to try it at home"!

Like you said, I pretty much had the idea of at least one thing I could do that might help. I just wish my bf was able to come with me or that he wouldn't take offense to me wanting to go without him.

He's a great guy and I'm sure he'll understand. I can't say that I honestly wouldn't be a little hurt if he wanted to go somewhere even if it meant going without me but sometimes you have to do things that are best for yourself. I can't be the wonderful girl he fell in love with if I don't feel like myself so in the end he should see that all I'm trying to do is give him that powerful, determined and driven girl back. I know I miss her.

Thanks for the advice. It was helpful pitseleh... give yourself some credit.

I'm sorry for your sisters sadness Xng. She's much better off without him and if she's anything like her big sis then she's got a good head on her shoulders and will do just fine.

[joyslayer]

She'll bounce back. Just give her a little time to heal on her own.

[AlKilyu]

Xng: Not that I am the representative for orphans or anything, but if his mom is dying he is going through some rough shit (he is 13!) and his behavior right now might not be the norm.

I feel for your sister I do, but in situations like that there is no telling how he is dealing with the pain...

[joyslayer]

Oof Santarea, I feel for you. If need be, I could knock someone out in your honor.

[Sanctus Dei]

Julia... go visit and get away. Trust me, things will only get worse if you don't do something soon. (I've had the same problem, almost lost the best love of my life because of it.)

[JuliaGaltic]

Originally Posted by Sanctus Dei

Julia... go visit and get away. Trust me, things will only get worse if you don't do something soon. (I've had the same problem, almost lost the best love of my life because of it.)

Oh see that's exactly what I'm trying to avoid. My bf (and future husband) and I have been fighting more often lately and I don't blame him for that. Like I said, I'm not completely all there and it hurts him to see it and sometimes he gets frustrated with me, as he should. He's been with me for a long time and knows that he can expect much, much more of me, but he's still a sweetheart and says that he wants to help me through this.

We talked for a bit yesterday and finally assented to the fact that maybe me taking a little vacation wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen. We'll talk more when he gets home tonight.

Thank you though because now I see that my fears that things will just get worse aren't unfounded. It helps refortify my original point. I'm glad you only "almost" lost the best love of your life and managed to salvage it. It is soo worth salvaging.

*Gives chocolate

Santarea, you are pretty.

Sorry you're feeling so bad hon. If I could I'd opt to be your *personal* nurse. I'm excellent at giving spongebaths........*hee

[swt&inc angel??]

not usually were youll see me, I try not to whine but damnit I feel like shit right now and I no I not only did nothing wrong but I took alot more shit than anyone else would have. I had an overly controling boyfriend for the last six months off and on and I decided last time we broke up it was forever then I got a phone call. My exs resturant which him and his dad own had just fired a person I helped get a job there for stealing.so I felt I had to go back and help. well to make a long story short it was so awful dealing with my ex, that if I went back out with him till the store got back on its feet I might be able to deal with all this. so dumbass me goes back out with him and it worked for a while till he just flipped out to day (at the store his baby)it got so bad that I knew if I did anything to piss him off more hed hit me. keep in mind he was slamming draws shut really close to my hand (not to scare me but just to shut them that how mad and how much he wasnt thinking he got. now I fell like shit because he gave me thi computer which I was able to get him to let me pay for but hes acting like I only used him so that I could make money but the truth is I made less than minimum wadge. I dont know any more but thanks for listening to all this bullshit i no it gets boring. If my grammers really bad (or my spelling ) I apolagize!!!

[AlKilyu]

He'd hit you? Has he done that before?

Never understood that. I mean, I have gotten pissed before, but at no time was I thinking of assault on a female. That doesn't make me special or a great guy (I'm not) that should be the norm.

[mortalitas incomitatus]

Well this is all just shit and I’m going to have a fucking whinge about it, not because it makes me feel better, but because I fucking well can. And if you don’t like it, if you don’t want to listen well guess wtf you can do?

So its well after one in the morning for the third night in a row and we all know what that means…yep, yep insomnia. I know I can’t keep taking the sleeping pills, those little fucks are addictive and I’ve been on them every night since November.
So maybe this is actually a period of adjustment, a sleeping pill detox if you will.
But we all know I’m just falling myself, self-delusion…another thing I am very good at.
With the depression comes the highs, the insomnia and the hatred.

I know it’s my fault, this downer I’m on and it pisses me off. I know it’s all in my head and I should be able to ignore it but you cant, logic does not seem to play a part in it.
Also the fact that I’ve been slack on all my pills does not help any, I really cannot afford to have another “holiday” not now, not with so much to loose.
And who the fact do you turn to? People either don’t understand and will never be capable of understanding and the few people who would know what is happening inside my head I don’t want to burden with my problems, they have their own to worry about.

So this week started with Cynthia’s birthday she would have been 23, would have been.
Who the fuck has the right to take a life? Especially one so young, that cunt deserves to suffer a thousand deaths for his actions, but no he gets to walk down that street with a self righteous look on his face whist I get a life time of pain and guilt.

So its been six years, I went to see her mum yesterday, every time I look at her I see that face, the look she gave me all those years ago.
Pure hatred and disappointment.
Every year I do this, some sort of punishment. I don’t really know. Still the guilt exists and as long as it does I will continue in my self-destructive ways.
Keep reliving these moments in my life over and over maybe in the vague hope I can fix what I did wrong? This fucking guilt.

I was surprised I made it through Justin’s anniversary, but I did quit my job on that day so maybe I was not as strong as I keep telling myself.

Too much death.

I went to see Jason as well this week, for some one that hurt me so much both physically and mentally he makes it all better, if only for and hour every few months.
He refuses to talk about what it is like in there, I don’t really blame him.
I’m sure he resents me for what happened, if it haddent been for me he would not be spending the better part of his twenties in there. But if he does he hides it well, and always lets me cry, for that I will always cherish his friendship and love.

More hospital this week, more tests, more waiting, more bullshit.
They can go fuck themselves. What am I? Some sort of medical mystery?
All those doctors over so many years, you would think one of them would have a clue.
Where did they get their gp licenses? The back of a freaking wheeties box?

So I leave you at this late hour with this, I don’t want your pity. I am not spilling out these thoughts because I need you to rescue me from myself.
I wrote this simply because I can, to lift some weight.
That is all.
Now I retire to stare at the ceiling till dawn.



Selfish

Tell me, the fuck do you want from me?
Tell me, what do you see when you look at me?
Self pity, an indulgent art.
Self pity, my perfected art.
Tell me, why do you need to save me?
Tell me, what the fuck is left to save?
Self harm, the quick release.
Self harm, my perfect release.
Tell me, why can’t I save myself?
Tell me, why fuck don’t I want to save myself?
Self control, a disciplined act.
Self control, my non-existent act.
Tell me, why won’t I survive?
Tell me, why the fuck don’t I want to survive?
Self hate, a selfish talent.
Self hate, my only talent.

[Empty_Purple_Stars]

Originally Posted by mortalitas incomitatus

Selfish

Tell me, the fuck do you want from me?
Tell me, what do you see when you look at me?
Self pity, an indulgent art.
Self pity, my perfected art.
Tell me, why do you need to save me?
Tell me, what the fuck is left to save?
Self harm, the quick release.
Self harm, my perfect release.
Tell me, why can’t I save myself?
Tell me, why fuck don’t I want to save myself?
Self control, a disciplined act.
Self control, my non-existent act.
Tell me, why won’t I survive?
Tell me, why the fuck don’t I want to survive?
Self hate, a selfish talent.
Self hate, my only talent.

I won't offer you pity.. I can offer you some perspective and a fat joint..

I'm merely guessing on the details, and If I'm offbase at all I apologize.
Five years ago I lost one of my best friends Cayless, and his death sent my other best friend Jason, to Prison. His Death was a shock I don't ever think I will truly accept. Jason going to prison for it all still fucks with my head. So many "What If's". It never gets any easier really, and part of me will never stop blaming myself for not seeing what was happening that night, and stopping it. Cayless's Mom loved all of us, but she blamed all of us for his Death as well. Not just Jason. I can't blame her really, I don't know what I would do if I lost my Son. Especially to something so preventable.

Two months after Cayless died and Jason was sentenced, their roomate Don, my other close friend, bled to death in the same house. In two short months they were all gone, and the house that we had all called a second home, was full of the stench of Death.

I was fucked up beyond words for a long time over the whole Hellish Nightmare. Even now as I write about it, my hands are shaking with memories. It IS fucked up, it will NEVER make any sense, and maybe it isn't supposed to make sense. I really don't know.

I think of all of the things the three of them should have been around to do and see the last five years, and it makes me so mad I want to break things into little tiny pieces.

I understand the Pain, and Rage and Guilt. I do Baby, really I do.
There are no easy answers, or fast simple ways to just "Let it all go". I wish there was.

But you simply must survive it. I have at least managed to figure out the last five years, that crucifying myself for choices I did or didn't make, isn't going to bring them back, and it isn't going to get Jason out of Prison. Sometimes, I still talk to them both in my head, and a large part of me believes that wherever they are, they can hear me. Sometimes I send them silent screams of anger for their selfish choices, mostly I send them invisible hugs filled with longing and sadness.

I know you're hurting deeper than words can share, and I'm sorry. The only 'advice' I can offer is to let yourself feel. Feel whatever is inside, the anger, the guilt, the self-hatred, the pain, the sadness. Let yourself feel it all, shutting it away is the worst thing you can do for yourself.

If you need to vent, I'm here. If you just need someone to scream to, I'm here.

Our situations may not be the same, but I do understand in many ways, what you are going through.

Let me remind you of something in conclusion.

You're Tough, You're Wickedly Beautiful, You're Intelligent and You have a Wonderful Soul. I believe in You and Your Son is lucky to have such a Badfuckingass Mom.

Now get your ass over here and smoke this with me..

If you need someone, I'm here.

*Spine-Crunching Hugs*