Rant Thread

[Disfunction]

Alright... Yesterday I boarded a train and arrived in time to be picked up by my aunt and uncle who were waiting for me at the station.

Blah blah blah...

I walked into the hospital to be greeted by my sister who had a rather sober expression painted on her face. My mother was seated in the waiting room and my dad was wandering about somewhere. I walked into the critical care unit and saw her lying there, sedated, with a breathing tube down her throat (I don't remember the name of the actual mechanism), as well a feeding tube up her nose, and an IV directly in her neck.

She was lying there, squirming periodically. As I'd learned, apparently it had started that she'd lost the ability to swallow, and while in the hospital she'd lost the ability to breathe out. Something to that affect. It was explained to me that initially she was using an oxygen mask, but that while the oxygen could get in, she was unable to get the carbon dioxide out.

I saw this machine breathing for her. I was hearing people talking about getting something talked a G tube (or something phonetically similar) which would go directly into her stomach to feed her. I heard people telling stories about how she would wake up and start unhooking herself, or how she'd communicate unsuccessfully through hand signals and clapping.

I saw all of this, and I couldn't put a name to it then, and I still can't put a name to it now, but I felt something inside of me...

They had given her a CAT scan with no sign of a stroke, but there's soon to be an MRI. I don't really understand medicine, so I'm not even going to pretend that I know what's quality for what, where lies the best bang for your buck. All I know is that I saw her there, and she looked all but dead. I didn't cry then, and I still haven't cried now. There is nothing I have inside of me to convey through language or action anything I am feeling right now. I want more than anything to find something to occupy my time. I want to be able to fill it with sheer nothingness.

And I wonder if any of this makes sense.


And then I saw my grandfather who suffers from dimentia and is lacking in short term memory. Each day he's gone to see her, he's been reliving it for the first time. I'd never seen the man cry, and there he was trying to hold it in, and he couldn't. The next morning, he'd forgotten. The next morning, all he knew was that my father and I had spent the night at their place. He didn't know my mother was in town at my uncle's, nor my sister.

I saw him cleaning up around the house, just fiddling with things here and there, and it tore me up inside, and I'm not sure if I know why. He loves her. They've been together all of this time, and though he's filled with pride, though he jokingly flirts with other women at their retirement home (it's more complex than a retirment home, and they actually have something more akin to a suite), he loves the woman. Though he can't take care of her, he loves her. And it's heart-wrenching to see it.

When I was younger, I saw my grandparents all the time, and then when we moved to the states, the opportunity never came up. So gradually, I forgot about all of the good times when my grandfather would give my sister, cousins, and I coins by pretending to pull them out of our ears. I'd forgotten about sitting on my grandfather's lap, and my grandmother's laugh. I'd forgotten about how sweet these people had been to me, expecting nothing at all in return.

I moved back to Canada, and the visits grew more frequent, and slowly I guess I started to remember the feeling, if not the events. I really do love them, and I really do miss them, and while I was taking more time to get to know them in the past while, I regret that I didn't recognize how wonderful they truly were sooner. Any sense of humour I have today is from my grandmother.

I have an amazing family. I have an amazing father. And mother. And sister.

I realize I'm rambling along about a dozen tangents, but I really don't know where I'm going with this. We're all almost certain that there's no choice left but to pull the plug. My sister and I listened to a song during the car ride home that had been used in celebration of their 50th anniversary. It just happened to come on, and she asked me if she should change the song, and I said no, and I felt memories flood in. I wish I could just cry, or I wish I could be out with friends, or I wish I could be at her side and whisper into her ear that I love her and have her remember that before she goes. I want to tell her random stuff that hasn't really particularly mattered but it's out there, because I don't want her to be more depressed than she already is.

I can't write anymore, but that's as close to an update as my mind will let me go.

Please ignore the following insignificant whine.....

I just fucked up my hair color. I was attempting to keep the original pink but make the back part a uniform black since I had gotten some bleach on there. I ended up getting the black dye on my bangs, having to wash, rebleach them and put the pink back in.

So not only does my hair look shitty but it'll probably fall out cause I overprocessed the hell out of it. All cause I'm a dumbass and can't leave things be.

All right I'm done now. I'm going to go eat some chocolate.

[edible_eye]

the new color strategy of eyesofatragedy...

http://www.baltercatalogue.com/image...r-scarf-lg.jpg

... and that's hot.

[Circle V]

Disfunction... I really don't know what to say. I've never experienced anything even remotely approaching what you're going through. I hope it's enough to know that Gothic.net and I are thinking about you and your family. I wish the best for you and your grandparents, whatever that may be.

[Empty_Purple_Stars]

Originally Posted by Disfunction

I wish I could be at her side and whisper into her ear that I love her and have her remember that before she goes.

She does know that Dis. Believe me she does.

Who she is, her essence, isn't changed by what her body is doing now..

She knows all of you love her very much, I really believe that..

I went through the same thing with my Grandfather, when I was a few years younger than you.

He also had tubes down his throat that prevented him from talking, and being the strong and proud man that he was, he hated it with a passion.

I thought all of the same things that you are thinking, and it broke my heart..

But watching him laying there in the bed, so small and frail, I realized that no matter what his body was doing, his heart and his soul were still intact. All of his love for us, and all of his happy memories, would be part of him always. Just as he would be part of us always.

You don't have to believe in God to believe that the core of what we are as living beings, is Eternal.

At her deepest level, she knows how all of you feel about her.

I am so sorry for your pain and your families pain..
I am here if you need to talk, or ramble, or vent..

You're not alone, and neither is she.. Ok?

Hang in there, and don't push yourself to 'feel' anything in particular.

It will all flow from you, just the way it should.
There is no right or wrong way to be in this experience.

I know if she could, she would tell you how proud she is of the wonderful man you have become. She is blessed to have a Grandson like you. Don't forget that..

*Squeezy Hugs*

[Empty_Purple_Stars]

I'll post my Rant separately.

Last night my legs out from under me again and I fell down our stairs at home.

All the way down. Ugh.

My Hellspawn caught me at the bottom, and to his credit didn't get upset til he picked me up off the floor.

About an hour later, my abdomen started to swell and hurt like hell.

So I drove myself to Urgent Care because I didn't want Manimal to have to bring the kids that late for what I knew was going to be a long night.

When I got there, they promptly tried to put me in an ambulance and send me to the Emergency Room. Which I refused, because it's too spendy. They ended up putting me in a cab, because they wouldn't let me drive myself.

I got to the ER and they met the cab with a Wheelchair and got me in right away. Which was definitely a first.

They did an Ultrasound, took some X-rays, and did an IV Contrast Cat Scan.

It turns out I bruised my Spleen very badly, and bruised my Ribs on the same side..

It just sounds soooooo lame, and I feel like such a Tool.

" Hi, I bruised my Spleen! "

*Sigh*

So I'm supposed to 'rest' as much as possible, and get into see my doctor as soon as I can next week.

I feel like someone dropped a house on me.. Meh.

The ER Doc was also very concerned about my repeated loss of Motor Control, as am I.

" You be sure and get your doctor to figure out what's causing that.."

YA THINK??

Fucking Sigh..

The last time it happened, I was leaving the Grocery store on my Hellspawns Birthday, with an armful of Groceries. One minute I'm walking, the next minute I am on the concrete. This nice man helped me up, and picked up my groceries for me. I was simply mortified.

I'm scared and frustrated about what's happening to my Body..

I just really need a break.. So bad.. So very bad..

*pulls covers over head*

[Wise Child]

Oh, I'm sorry, E_P_S. I can't imagine how scary and frustrating it may be, but I guess all you can do is take it easy for a while, and let other people wait on you. It must be a pain, but doctor's orders are doctor's orders, so get those feet up! Like I said, I can't imagine what it must be like to live with the problems you have as well as having a child - which, from what I've heard, takes it out of even people who are at full strength! Anyone who can deal with it with your common sense, resiliance and sense of humour is extremely deserving of respect. Period.

Have a cup of virtual tea. *proffers tea* Sorry it can't be real tea. I'd put lots of milk and sugar in it

[JuliaGaltic]

Oh EPS, it pains me to hear that you're going through such scary and frustrating times. We're here for you, I'm here for you.

I'm very glad you have such wonderful support at home. Please let us know what you're doctor says if it's not too personal. I'm concerned.

*bear hugs*

Feel better hon, really.

[PhilSmith]

(hugs EPS) I'd say 'get well soon', but that sounds a bit tired. Hope something positive in that direction happens before too long anyway.

*Big Hugs

God, girl I'm sorry. That's not fair that your body reacts that way. But don't ever feel like a tool about it. No matter what illness you have you are still the beautiful, intelligent, sexy woman I know.

I love yah, hon. Get better.

I'm sorry EPS. I wish so much there was something that I can do for you! I'll keep you in my thoughts.

And...um...just what the hell is the spleen for anyhow?

[edible_eye]

eps - i'm thinking of you, babe. missing you, too.

[Pathogen.]

E_P_S: What your body's going through sounds serious. The most you could do right now is take it easy. Much love from me & the rest of Gothic.Net.

Originally Posted by Santarea

It digest red blood calls.

For what purpose?

[mortalitas incomitatus]

my myspace is being a bitch and wont let me log in.
i think i might go bitch-slap it.
f**kin' mysace.

[Empty_Purple_Stars]

Thanks you guys..

I swear without the support of Everyone here and from Manimal, I would have fallen apart long ago..

It's been a long weekend and I still feel like I went nine rounds with Muhhamad Ali and lost. But I am hanging in there, and checking into what it would cost to get me fitted with a Bubble.


EPS the Bubble Girl!!

Has a nice ring to it doesn't it?

*snort*

Thanks though, for all your Love, Ass Grabs and Support..

Couldn't do it without you guys..

*Big Wet Smooches & Squeezy Hugs*

[Empty_Purple_Stars]

Well you're welcome in my Bed err House anytime, Pretty..

For Real.

One of these days I am going to figure out how to have a Gnet Meet Up so we can all get together and party our fucking asses off.

Naked, Of Course..



Love Ya Girlie.. *Smooches Xng*

[Empty_Purple_Stars]

Well there was one on Halloween last year.

The next thing is the World Horror Convention in San Francisco which I will be attending/voluteering at health permitted.. It's in May.

Plus Clive barker is the Guest of Honor..

Author of my favorite Horror Novel EVAH!! Imajica..

Here's the link to the Webpage for those interested in attending;

www.whc2006.org

However, in the meantime you can can go to the Spooky Con website and watch the Muppets Manamana Song with me..

That song pretty much never gets old. Manimal and I sing it at home often.

Manamana.. Doo dooo dooo.. Manamana.. Doo Dee doo Doo.. Manamana..

http://www.spookycon.com/

Everybodeeee......... Manamana.. Doo doo dee Dooo....

http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y10...Stars/1022.gif

[Nike]

E_P_S- I can only echo what others have said before - I'm deeply sorry for the pain you have to go through and I admire you for your strength.
If you should ever need anything you think I could help you with, just let me know.

Keep fighting!

[Restless Dead]

I shall firstly apologise for the following rant, especially reading this thread and realising the kind of serious shit the rest of you had to deal with (particularly EPS and Disfunction, I hope things look better for you guys soon), it makes this seem rather crap and whiny but I would like to try and get it out of my system.

Basically, I saw a man kill himself this morning and I’m not really dealing with it. I’ve seen dead people before, I was an auxillary nurse for a while and I worked in a morgue, but this is the first time I’ve seen someone actually take their own life. I currently work at a coffee shop at a railway station, right down on platforms 3 and 4. I’ve been working there for a year and a half, and in that time there have been 4 suicides by people putting themselves in front of a high speed train, but this was the first one I actually saw happen. Normally the person goes right down to the end of the platform where they can walk off the end and stand on the tracks and wait, but this man stood right next to the shop and jumped down just before the train came through. It was…disturbing to say the least.

Thankfully this was early morning, and there were not very many people about, so not a lot of people had to see it. I was bored (not much going) and I had noticed him sort of pacing and acting suspicious, and this being a train station we’re told to ‘observe’ any one acting suspicious and report it because of the terrorist attacks in London and threats that have been made against the station. So I was watching this guy pacing around, looking up the tracks, looking to see who was around, looking at me looking at him. I heard the train, saw the lights, and he just jumped, just fucking ran, jumped and waited for a split moment until it hit him. Being the dumb fuck I am I just stood there staring at what was left and then grabbed the phone to say I ‘think’ someone had jumped. Not sure why I said ‘think’ but they (station staff) were already on to it and started rounding up the few people who were around and getting them to the evacuation points (the station has to be closed in this kind of event).

I know I should probably feel sorry for this guy, that he clearly felt so awful about life that the only solution he could see was to launch himself at a train, but I can’t help being really pissed off. I’m all for a person’s right to kill themselves, but making someone watch you do it is totally fucking selfish. Didn’t this guy have the slightest bit of concern for anyone else? What about the poor guy driving the train? He sees someone on the tracks and he knows what’s coming, there’s no way he can stop the bloody train. To put someone through that just because you’re too chicken shit to cut yourself is beyond fucked up. So now I have a graphic visual of what his insides look like, and I have to go to work tomorrow and try not to think about what happened there this morning. I bet when the local papers come out there will be a front page dedicated to the poor man so depressed that he felt the need to tragically take his life.

Well fuck him. And fuck them. And I don’t believe in Hell, but if I did I would hope he was there.

I’m sorry if this causes offence to anyone, I’m probably just being overly bitter, it’s kind of obviously been a bad day.

Originally Posted by Restless Dead

I know I should probably feel sorry for this guy, that he clearly felt so awful about life that the only solution he could see was to launch himself at a train, but I can’t help being really pissed off. I’m all for a person’s right to kill themselves, but making someone watch you do it is totally fucking selfish. Didn’t this guy have the slightest bit of concern for anyone else? What about the poor guy driving the train? He sees someone on the tracks and he knows what’s coming, there’s no way he can stop the bloody train. To put someone through that just because you’re too chicken shit to cut yourself is beyond fucked up. So now I have a graphic visual of what his insides look like, and I have to go to work tomorrow and try not to think about what happened there this morning. I bet when the local papers come out there will be a front page dedicated to the poor man so depressed that he felt the need to tragically take his life.

There's the problem right there. You SHOULDN'T feel sorry for him. And you're extremly right in your pissed off feelings. Commiting suicide is THE most selfish thing ANYONE can do. Pain happens in life. But to kill yourself and bring pain into the lives of everyone who knew you and even to people who didn't (like yourself) is the most bullshit narcissitic thing anyone can do.

So be pissed, and hope he's in hell. It doesn't make you a bad person to be personally offended by his assault on your piece of mind and senses. And I highly doubt he'll be splashed across the front page. Newspapers down play these things if they report them at all, because they're a load of shite.

He was a coward and took what he thought was the easy way out. He hurt more people and caused more pain then he possibly could have been in. People hurt all the time, mentally and physically. Shit, look at EPS! She's easily the person in the most pain I've ever known, and yet she doesn't kill herself. Why? Because she cares about others and who it would affect.

Suicides are selfish. Plain and simple.

[ExistentialDisorder]

I can't imagine anybody deliberately jumping in front of a train like that, to off themselves. I mean god damn, that's just a whole lot of violence. I think it takes not only a lack of faith in your own life, but a whole lot of self-hatred, to want to go out in such a brutal way. But I guess it does insure you wont live through it, for those who want to be sure of that. Sorry you had to witness such a thing, Restless. That was definately inconsiderate on the jumper's part, tho I doubt he really gave a shit about who saw it, so long as no one tried to stop him.

I don't want to get into a debate with anybody. I'm just going to say that I don't believe that suicide is selfish. The method one takes to commit it can be and often is selfish and inconsiderate, but not the act itself. I think the selfishness comes on the part of those that would try to convince somebody not to commit suicide, due to their own (selfish) wants, desires and feelings for/towards that person. If somebody has reached the point in their life that they really, truly don't want it to go on any longer, for whatever reasons of their own, then it should be their choice to end their life. A lot of the time those people eventually find either a lack of courage to go through with it, or something else that helps them hold on, or both. Committing suicide in front of somebody is definately wrong tho, I won't argue that at all. Go away somewhere private and do it, where nobody else will be subjected to the trauma of witnessing it. The sad thing is a lot of people, especially teens, do it for attention, sometimes even some twisted sense of vengeance. I've been suicidal, I know how it feels to wake up wishing you hadn't, or to go to sleep hoping you wont come out of it. what it's like to truly hate life and want an end. I've plotted it out before, figured out the perfect way, for me, to go about it. It never consisted of jumping in front of a train, or off a bridge, or anything violent like that. It's really not a hatred for life itself, but for what it hands you, especially when you didn't deserve it or ask for it at all. And some things just never go away, no matter how much you ignore it or try to cope, it's all still there just beneath the surface. So far I've been able, for the most part, to keep finding things that help me hang on. But what happens when even that's not enough? What's left? Some are stronger than others and can deal with a hell of a lot more. I just think that it's selfish of others to want you to go on, to keep enduring when you honestly, sincerely just want it all to end. Because it's not their pain, they're not the ones that have to deal with it day after day. Love them enough to let them go, and be happy for them in the hopes that they've somehow found some sort of peace with themselves.

As for EPS, I'm sorry you're dealing with so much. I didn't know you were so ill. I hope you get well soon.

[Wise Child]

[quote=ExistentialDisorder]I don't want to get into a debate with anybody. I'm just going to say that I don't believe that suicide is selfish. The method one takes to commit it can be and often is selfish and inconsiderate, but not the act itself. I think the selfishness comes on the part of those that would try to convince somebody not to commit suicide, due to their own (selfish) wants, desires and feelings for/towards that person. If somebody has reached the point in their life that they really, truly don't want it to go on any longer, for whatever reasons of their own, then it should be their choice to end their life.

...

Some are stronger than others and can deal with a hell of a lot more. I just think that it's selfish of others to want you to go on, to keep enduring when you honestly, sincerely just want it all to end. Because it's not their pain, they're not the ones that have to deal with it day after day. Love them enough to let them go, and be happy for them in the hopes that they've somehow found some sort of peace with themselves.[quote]

I agree with most of this. I think I posted something similar in the suicide thread. I don't think I'd go so far as to say that suicide is not selfish - I think it is - but I think it's important to note that it's also selfish to demand that someone carry on living a life they find unbearable, so their loved ones don't have to suffer bereavement. I'm not comfortable with the idea that they should just be left to it - guess I'm just too damn socialised - and I do think people should be helped where possible, and sometimes prevented, if they're panicking over something that's realistically fixable. But who's to say what's fixable for another person?... Gah. My head hurts.

I could circle this subject for hours. But my main point is simply that I'm personally not comfortable with labelling ALL suicides selfish assholes.

And I'm sorry you had to see that, Restless Dead ... that must have been an awful thing to witness.

[PhilSmith]

Quickie rant 'cause I'm too damn tired to make much of it.

If you're going to (rightly) poke at someone's spelling and grammar, make sure you can spell the words yourself. It's G-R-A-M-M-A-R.

I shan't throw in an ad hominem argument or name names. It happens wherever I go. It's just there FYI. Or FSI at least.

[Magpie_Tendencies]

I'm trying to write a short story for English and it's not quite working for me. No matter what I do it doesn't seem quite right... Maybe I'm writing it from the wrong perspective. I'll have to think it through a little more I guess.