New Joke thread

[Ben Lahnger]

Oubliette, I second Wolfie's comment. I just forwarded that list to everyone I know by e-mail.

Stay alert! The brain you save may be your own!

[Oubliette]

My muffin's mom sent it to me. I got a good chuckle out of it too.

I found the traffic light one to be the funniest.

[psychopenguin]

Russian Genie

Ivan was a dirt poor Russian peasant. One day while walking through the countryside he discovered an old lamp. He started to polish it and out came a genie who told him that for freeing him from the lamp he would grant Ivan one wish.

Ivan thought for a minute before declaring, "I am a poor simple man with simple needs, therefore I wish that Ivan pee vodka!" The Genie exclaimed that Ivan's wish was granted and disappeared in a poof of smoke.

Ivan runs home and bursts through the door yelling, "Wife, bring two cups...tonight we drink vodka!!!" He pees in the cups and sure enough, it's the best vodka either had ever tasted. They drink into the wee hours of the morning.

The next night he comes through the door and again hollers, "Wife, bring two cups....tonight we drink vodka!!!" This continues all week until Friday night when Ivan comes in the door and exclaims, "Wife, bring me one cup!!!"

His wife is upset and asks, "Ivan, all week you say bring two cups and we drink vodka, so why tonight do you only ask for one cup?"

Ivan smiles and replies, "Because tonight wife, you drink from bottle!!!"

[Ben Lahnger]

YEAH!!! *puh-dum-bum* *rimshot*

I like that one!

[Ben Lahnger]

The Irish Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[spookypurple]

Like it! Nice one, Ben.


This was told to me by a five-year old...

A man with a fried egg on his head walks into a doctor's.The doctor say "Why have you got a fried egg on top of your head?"
The man replies "Because the boiled one kept rolling off."

[psychopenguin]

This one isn't exactly a joke... but I thought it would go here anyhow.

http://www.stupidcollege.com/items/J...nd-George-Bush

[psychopenguin]

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

[Ben Lahnger]

Ah ha ha ha ha! That was good!

The Blonde Cowboy

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you walking around like this?"

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff . I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy... '.

"And here I am."

[succubus,queenofvampires]

Heheheee!!! I thought that only female blondes were stupid!!!

[succubus,queenofvampires]

Edit: I meant that I thought that blonde jokes were only based on females.

(I didn't have time to edit my previous post.)

[Ben Lahnger]

Not always; I have a few that involve blonde guys and they're just as funny!

Things You Learn In Marriage

During the banquet celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary, Tom was
asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of
such long duration.

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years
with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It
teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness, and
many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single in the
first place."

[Ben Lahnger]

CAKE OR BED

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and angrily says. "You want me to fix the lights? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I DON'T THINK SO!"

Then the wife asks, "Well, then, could you fix the refridgerator door? It won't close right." To which the husband replies "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I DON'T THINK SO!"

"Fine," she says, "then can you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break." "I'm not a carpenter and I don't fix steps." he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I DON'T THINK SO! ... I've had enough of this. I'm going to the bar!!!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours ...................................

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home.

As he walks into the house he notices that the stairs are fixed. As he enters the house, he notices that the light no longer flickers. As he goes to get a beer, he notices that the fridge door is fixed, too. "Honey," he asks, "how'd you get all this stuff fixed?"

She says, "Well, when you left I sat outside on the porch and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and I told him the only ways I could pay him for his efforts was either to bake him a cake or go to bed with him.

He says. "So, what kind of a cake did you bake?" She replied, "Hellooooo!!! Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I DON'T THINK SO!

[Corpus_Draconis]

That reminds me of a dirty joke I heard in middle school.

There was a girl who went to the zoo with her mom. There were some monkeys having sex, and the girl asked "What are they doing, mommy?" and, because the mother couldn't think of a better answer, said "Ahhh.... making a cake." A little while later, they were walking in the park and saw two pidgeons having sex. The girl asked, again, "What are they doing?" and the mother replied, again, "making a cake." A couple days later, the girl asks "Did you and dad make a cake last night? cuz I licked the icing off the couch..."

[TwistedKitsune]

On the subject of Educating Parrots:


A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed."
He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

[DarkIce]

Hehe..... Thanks for sharing that beautiful joke, Twisted.

Still LOL`ing

[TwistedKitsune]

On the Subject of Stupid Wives:

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Irishman says, ''I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in.''

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker.

''Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car,'' he laments, ''and she doesn't even know how to drive!''

The Englishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.

However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. ''Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it,'' he chuckles. ''My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a penis!''

[DarkIce]

HEHE. But - ehmmm. Guess she would rather travel to Mallorca or Ibiza for that reason.

[Ben Lahnger]

His Lucky Day

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast.

He walks in.

She says, "You've got to make love to me -- this very moment."

He thinks, "This is my lucky day", and gives it his all on the kitchen table.

He says afterwards, "What was that all about?"

She says, "The egg timer's broken."

.

[Ben Lahnger]

Relaxed

Mrs. Ogden went to her doctor and said "Please give me a prescription for the Pill."

"I don't think you need the Pill at your age."

"It relaxes me."

"But you know the 'purpose' of the Pill. It's not for relaxing," exclaimed the physician.

"I know," said Mrs Ogden, "but my daughter dates, and every morning I drop one in her orange juice. Believe me, I feel more relaxed.

.

[Ben Lahnger]

Two Blonde Guys At The Lumberyard

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

.

[bjork_freak]

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while, the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender nervously replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the nun asked.

"Well, there is a life-size statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf."

"Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."

So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again.

However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She walked up to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, because now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on that statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"

[Ben Lahnger]

Bwah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah! I like it!

[tenet_2012]

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

[Godslayer Jillian]

That's deep....