Flute and Lyre (Contest Submission)

[Mr E Nigma]

(Submitted this for a Prompted to write contest. I chose the prompt: "Stuck forever in this fetal pose") It was sort of an experimental piece... Just wondering if anyone likes it or has any comments...

Flute and Lyre

Thwart, please, these tattered dreams.
In softened silence sense these scary screams.
So real, so tangible, so loud, so coy;
I'm just a complexly animated toy
With hopes and dreams just like you.

Bagged and buried under a bed.
Loosed and lost with a lamenting lyre
Stringing it's sorrow, so sore, from pleasing its sire.
Although it's mourning and moaning, it mends my heart
When nothing else could help it restart.

Its cries please my ears.
Fumbling and flailing I find a flute
and help cry out it's melodic fears
Serene it seems our sweetened song
Sunken so deep we fill it with tears.

Afloat, aghast, abashed, apart
Eyes drowning from this dire art
Ears waning from this sacred sound
Hands, clenched, on holes are bound
Frail these lips, and fingers be.

Shattering beneath my rocky lips
Diving down this flute does quip
Snapping goes the frayed strings
The lyre's heart starts to cling
Broken again and still not found
Etched, we lie, in the ground.
Stuck forever in this fetal pose.

[Pyre]

What stuck out to me the most was the misuse of "it's" when you should have been using "its."

Stringing it's sorrow

and help cry out it's melodic fears

I think those are the only two. I read the poem earlier and just skimmed back over it briefly to make a point at 4:30 am.

Aside from that, I think it's an interesting poem. I suck at writing poetry. Imagery is not becoming of me.

[HumanePain]

I liked it too.

[Mr E Nigma]

Damn... I didn't even realize that.. XD

[Mr E Nigma]

Thanks! Thankfully I was able to edit it before it went off for judging.

[heatherbergh]

How did the judging go? Hope you were able to make the suggested edits. But it is good anyway even if you didn't manage that.


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