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| General General questions and meet 'n greet and welcome! |
12-05-2007, 08:54 PM
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#1
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Temple of Love
Posts: 1,641
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Twisted Humor
Do you know any really sick yet twistedly funny jokes? POST EM HERE!
I'll start of with a few of my favorites.
Q: Why do you put a baby in the blender head first?
A: To watch it's toes curl
Q: How do you get the baby out of the blender?
A: With a chip.
Q: What's small and blue and sits in a corner?
A: A baby with a bag over it's head
Q: What's small and green and sits in a corner?
A: Same baby three months later
Q: What's the difference between a BMW and a pile of dead babies?
A: I don't have a BMW in my garage.
Q: What's the difference between a trampoline and a baby?
A: I take off my shoes before I jump on a trampoline.
Q: What's black and blue and afraid of the dark?
A: The baby in my trunk
Just for a change, a non baby related one that I thought of on thanksgiving and told my vegan girlfriend who laughed really hard.
Q: How do you know when the ham is done?
A: It stops screaming.
__________________
NyQuil – the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine
Kontan - "Eventually, you ended up looking like the freaking grim reaper towards the end of the game.
Now we got this cracked out jungle hobo...."
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12-05-2007, 09:33 PM
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#2
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,424
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What's more fun than throwing a baby off a cliff?
catching it with a pitchfork
How do you get 10 babies into a bucket?
A blender
How do you get them back out?
Doritos
You know what's bad?
Finding a trashcan of dead babies
You know what's worse?
The live one at the bottom
Even worse?
It ate it's way out
Worse than that?
It came back for seconds
"That was really great sex..."
"THAT was epilepsy"
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12-05-2007, 09:46 PM
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#3
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Temple of Love
Posts: 1,641
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Haha I love you
__________________
NyQuil – the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine
Kontan - "Eventually, you ended up looking like the freaking grim reaper towards the end of the game.
Now we got this cracked out jungle hobo...."
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12-05-2007, 11:36 PM
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#4
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Temple of Love
Posts: 1,641
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__________________
NyQuil – the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine
Kontan - "Eventually, you ended up looking like the freaking grim reaper towards the end of the game.
Now we got this cracked out jungle hobo...."
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12-05-2007, 11:40 PM
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#5
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Temple of Love
Posts: 1,641
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What do you get when you dislocate a dead baby's jaw?
Deep Throat.
__________________
NyQuil – the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine
Kontan - "Eventually, you ended up looking like the freaking grim reaper towards the end of the game.
Now we got this cracked out jungle hobo...."
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12-05-2007, 11:45 PM
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#6
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: "Under the silence in dreams"
Posts: 1,446
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Oh, these jokes are so cruel. I love them!
__________________
This is the strangest life I've ever known - Jim Morrison
Alas! Must it ever be so?
Do we stand in our own light, wherever we go,
And fight our own shadows forever? - Edward Bulwer-Lytton
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12-05-2007, 11:48 PM
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#7
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,424
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what's red and hangs off the back of a train?
A miscarriage
How do you make a baby cry twice
wipe your bloody cock on it's teddy
what's the difference between a baby and an onion
you cry when you cut an onion
what's the difference between a watermelon and a baby
one's fun to smash with a sledgehammer, the other is just a watermelon
Me and my friends have spent literally hours on end finding stuff like this
and now for something not sick...just stupid
Why do people like to eat Banana cakes?
because they're so appealing!
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12-06-2007, 04:55 AM
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#8
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: London, UK
Posts: 2,065
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What's the best thing about twenty seven year olds?
... There's twenty of them.
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12-06-2007, 02:48 PM
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#9
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 4,448
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Whats red and scratching at the window?
A baby in a microwave.
And something stupid
How did the dead baby get across the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.
__________________
Remember, short controlled bursts.
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12-10-2007, 12:11 PM
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#10
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: iowa
Posts: 34
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One day a vampire walked into a bar and asked he bartender "Could you give me a boiling hot cup of water?" and the bartender said " I thought vampires drank blood?" the vampire pulls out a bloody tampon and says "we do I just thought i would make tea!"
its sick but i thought it was funny!!
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12-10-2007, 03:04 PM
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#11
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,687
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Why did the baby fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the second baby fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the first baby.
Why did the third baby fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.
What do you get when you hit a baby with a sledgehammer until its brains become pudding?
An erection.
Challenger jokes:
What color were Christa McAuliffe's eyes?
Blue. One blew that way, one blew this way.
What was the last thing to go through Christa McAuliffe's mind?
A piece of the fusilage.
What does NASA stand for?
Need Another Seven Astronauts
Why was Christa McAuliffe a bad teacher?
Good teachers don't blow up in front of their classes.
Helen Keller:
This one is popular, but you may not have heard it-
Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
You would too, if your name was AAAAUUUWWwWWWAHASHGGGH.
Helen Keller went to town, riding on a pony, stuck a feather in her hat and called it AAAWWWWWAAAGGGGUAGHGAAAA
9/11:
Did you hear the one about American Airlines new deal? They’ll fly you straight from the airport to the office.
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12-10-2007, 03:08 PM
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#12
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,041
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus
Why did the baby fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the second baby fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the first baby.
Why did the third baby fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.
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Okay that one was funny. I don't think that I should laugh at that, but I did. lol.
__________________
"Man, know thyself, and thou wilst know the universe and the gods."
~ inscription at the Temple of Delphi
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12-10-2007, 03:09 PM
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#13
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: El Paso, Texas/ Ciudad Juarez, Chihuahua
Posts: 9,203
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Cicero
What's the best thing about twenty seven year olds?
... There's twenty of them.
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Never would have expected that...
__________________
"No theory, no ready-made system, no book that has ever been written will save the world.
I cleave to no system. I am a true seeker."
-Mikhail Bakunin
Quote:
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Originally Posted by George Carlin
People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
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12-10-2007, 06:05 PM
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#14
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Suburbiatown, Pennsylvania.
Posts: 2,124
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Cicero
What's the best thing about twenty seven year olds?
... There's twenty of them.
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Hahaha. I love you for this, Cicero.
Ok so, A woman was commited to a mental health institution. She underwent all of her time and therapy and was showing many signs of improvement and the hospital officials were talking of releasing her. She just had to prove that she could function in society. One day while she was walking along the edge of the hospital's pool and noticed a man obviously struggling to swim. "Help! I can't swim!", he yelled between breaths. The woman instantly jumped into the pool and pulled the man to safety. Observing this, the hospital officials told her, "Congrats. You've porven yourself to be a functioning member of society. We can now let you go, but we do have some sad news. After you saved that man, he ended up hanging himself witht he belt of his bath robe in his room." The woman looked confused, but then smiled. She said, "No. When I took him out of the pool I hung him up to dry. So I can leave now?"
__________________
CAN'T EVADE THOSE DEAD ZEN MEN
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12-10-2007, 06:32 PM
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#15
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 3,332
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Right. I'll have a go. None of these are mine, but they are indeed sick and twisted. Enjoy. (If they are fun, that's another question. I think they're just disturbed... not my kind of humor.)
Q. What's pink, shrivelled and makes women upset?
A. Cot death
Q. What is blue and doesn't fit?
A. A dead epileptic.
Q. What's red and sits in the corner?
A. A baby chewing on a razor blade.
Q. What's small, brown and spits?
A. A baby in a frying pan.
Q. What's the difference between a truck load of sand and a truck load of dead babies?
A. You can't unload the sand with a pitch fork.
Q. What's the difference between a 67' Chevy and a pile of dead babies?
A. I don't have a 67' Chevy in my garage.
Q. What's more fun that nailing a baby to the wall?
A. Ripping it off again.
Q. What's the best thing about fucking a two year old?
A. Your dick looks MASSIVE in photos.
Q. How do you make a three year old cry twice?
A. Wipe your bloody cock on its favourite teddy.
How many dead babies can paint your house?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
What's the difference between an infant and a trampoline?
I take my boots off when I jump on a trampoline.
What sound does a baby make when you put it in a microwave?
I don't know I was too busy jacking off.
What's the best thing about sex with twenty-five year olds?
There's twenty of them!
What's the worst thing about eating bald pussy?
Putting the diaper back on.
How can you tell if your dad is gay?
Because his dick tastes like shit.
What do you get when you dislocate a dead baby's jaw?
Deep Throat.
What's the best part about fucking a 6 year old girl?
Flip her over, and she's a 6 year old boy.
__________________
Wasted forever, on speed, bikes and booze.
"Meow. Mew. Mrow. Maow? Miaox." - Lovely Delkaetre speaks cat.
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12-13-2007, 02:07 AM
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#16
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,424
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What's the best part about fucking a pregnant woman?
Getting a blowjob at the same time
What did one vampire lesbian say to the other?
See you again next month
A man walks into a restaurant and asks for a fork so the waiter gives him a fork, a few minutes later another man walks into the restaurant and asks for a fork, so the waiter gives the second man a fork. Much later a third man walks into the restaurant and and asks the waiter for a straw, so the waiter gives him a straw and asks:
"two other men came in asking for forks, what's your deal?
The man replied:
"Oh, someone threw up on the sidewalk, and all the chunky bits are gone"
What do you call a dead baby pinned to your wall?
Art.
How do you make a dead baby float?
Two scoops of ice cream, one scoop of dead baby
What's the difference between a dead baby and a table?
You can't fuck a table.
Why is there always hot water at childbirth?
In case of a stillbirth, soup.
What's pink and red and silver and crawls into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.
What is special about a dead baby over all other forms of life
You can achieve deep throat from whichever way you enter
What is red and creeps up your leg?
A homesick abortion.
What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning?
Realizing you were drunk and made love to it the night before.
How do you stop a baby from choking?
Take your dick out of its mouth.
What's the difference between a dead baby and my girlfriend?
I don't kiss my girlfriend after sex
What's the difference between a baby and a grandmother?
Grandmothers don't die when you fuck them up the ass.
What's more fun than strapping a baby to a clothesline and then spinning it around at 200km/h?
Stopping it with a shovel.
What's blue and thrashes about on the floor?
A baby playing in a plastic bag.
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12-15-2007, 03:37 PM
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#17
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: North Cackalacky
Posts: 2,044
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...I hate children.
What's worse than ten dead babies in one trash can?
One dead baby in ten trash cans.
How many babies does it take to shingle a roof?
It depends on how thin you slice them.
What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown suit.
How do you put a baby in a blender?
Feet first so you can see their face.
What is red and creeps up your leg?
A homesick abortion.
What do you call a baby with no arms or legs laying on your porch?
Door mat.
I feel bad.
I'm done.
:]
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12-15-2007, 03:51 PM
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#18
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 110
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ya know the "INRI" above jesus' head on the crucifix? know what it stands for?
I'm Nailed Right In
jesus walked into a bar, hands 3 nails to the bartender, and asks "can you put me up for the night?"
why is a picture of jesus better than jesus?
only takes one nail to hang a picture?
(i have a ton more jesus jokes, but they're more of a visual thing, so typing won't portray the humor)
the first thing jesus said as they took him off the cross?
FEET FIRST!!!
the first thing he said when they put him up?
wow, i can see my house from here!
the second thing he said?
"well, this is a shitty way to spend easter..."
One day, god, jesus, and moses went fishing, and were having a pissing contest over who could catch the most fish. moses said "i have this hands down." clapped his hands, parted his arms, the water parts, and he scoops mass fish into the boat.
god is all "whatever noob" and snaps his finger to rain fish directly into the boat.
jesus, not being one to be upstaged, gets up & out of the boat, and starts walking across the water, only to sink lower, and lower, and lower. he swims back up, gets back in the boat, and says "redo". so he does it again, only to sink lower, and lower, and lower. pissed off, he swims back up to the boat, and asks the others "ok, which of you two assholes put these holes in my feet?"
mommy, mommy, i don't want pizza.
shut up and get back in the oven.
mommy, mommy, i don't wanna see gramma.
shut up and keep digging.
mommy, mommy, i don't wanna walk around in circles anymore.
shut up before i nail your other foot to the floor.
what's black, white, & red and has a hard time walking through a doorway?
a nun with a spear in her head.
what's black & screams?
a baby that followed it's ball into the fireplace.
what's about 12"-16" long, and can make a woman cry for weeks?
stillbirth
oh yeah, almost forgot to end it on a not so bad one 
what starts with F, ends with K, and has UC in the middle?
Firetruck
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12-15-2007, 03:56 PM
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#19
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: North Cackalacky
Posts: 2,044
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Hahah. All of the Jesus jokes reminded me of an EXCELLENT song. It's Banging In The Nails by The Tiger Lillies. Try your best to find/download it. :] I think you'd appreciate it.
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12-15-2007, 04:03 PM
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#20
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 110
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i love jesus jokes. they're my favorite.
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12-15-2007, 04:04 PM
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#21
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 110
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Xombie
Hahah. All of the Jesus jokes reminded me of an EXCELLENT song. It's Banging In The Nails by The Tiger Lillies. Try your best to find/download it. :] I think you'd appreciate it.
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downloading now, thanks! 
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12-15-2007, 04:06 PM
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#22
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: North Cackalacky
Posts: 2,044
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Let me know what you think.
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12-15-2007, 04:06 PM
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#23
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 95
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What's 18 inches long and makes woman scream all night?
Crib death.
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12-16-2007, 09:03 PM
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#24
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Suckville, South Georgia
Posts: 285
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How can I do this... let me think of an awful joke I heard from this kid once...
Alrighty, you've got three men in a plane. The Pilot, a Black Fellow, and good ol' George W. Bush.
They flew over this island, and George drops a nickel, saying "This is my country.
They flew over another island, and the black guy drops a knife, saying "This is MY country."
They get over yet another island and the pilot drops a bomb, screaming "That one's mine!"
They fly back to George's country a while later, and find a little girl crying. George asks why she's crying, and she replies: "Nickel fell from the sky and hit mommy in her eye!"
They dodge the cops and scoot on over to the black man's country, this time they find a little boy crying. The black man asks why and is told "A knife came from the sky and hit daddy in the eye!"
The trio skedaddles again, and stop at the pilots country, where they find this huge fat guy laughing. "Why you laughing, fatty?" the pilot asks, and he responds "I farted and this jerk behind me blew up."
It was lots funnier in the lunch room at third grade >.<
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12-16-2007, 09:06 PM
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#25
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: El Paso, Texas/ Ciudad Juarez, Chihuahua
Posts: 9,203
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It would be funnier if the other two people were Castro and Laden.
__________________
"No theory, no ready-made system, no book that has ever been written will save the world.
I cleave to no system. I am a true seeker."
-Mikhail Bakunin
Quote:
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Originally Posted by George Carlin
People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
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