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Literature Please come visit. People get upset, write poetry about it, and post it here. Sometimes we also talk about books. |
01-10-2008, 09:03 AM
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#1
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philly Region
Posts: 616
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Game Of You
I want
I want to play
I want to play
...a game.
A game of you
where we two are pawns.
Our Minds may be Kings
and our Hearts Queens.
We shall do battle of wits
and emotions
(and sex).
I want to play a game,
and wonder:
am I on the offensive?
Or am I just playing into a trap?
I want to fall for witty tricks
and I want to stand for a feeling.
Will I pull you in, only to check your mate?
Or will I be pushed into the corner,
forced to withdraw?
I want to play a game,
where everything is at risk,
from our hearts to our souls.
I want to play a game, where our blood boils
and our sweat chills us.
I want to play a game,
a game of you.
For once in a very long time, I've written a poem about no one specific. Figured I'd share it here as well as Deviant Art.
Last edited by IsolatedReptile; 01-10-2008 at 09:06 AM.
Reason: Didn't let me say Deviant Art?
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01-11-2008, 03:52 AM
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#2
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: CA
Posts: 667
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it's nice , I like it
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Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.
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01-11-2008, 08:27 AM
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#3
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Greece
Posts: 135
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Damn...Great....wow,I'm speachless....lol
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01-11-2008, 11:36 AM
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#4
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Osaka, Japan
Posts: 1,472
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And here I was expecting The Sandman, Vol. 5.
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01-11-2008, 12:13 PM
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#5
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Cali
Posts: 8,030
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very different from what I normally read, but I really like it
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01-12-2008, 01:29 AM
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#6
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Greece
Posts: 135
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A game of chess where more tha your pride is at stake....I find it quite joyfull...In my own twisted sence of joy.....
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01-12-2008, 08:43 PM
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#7
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Washington
Posts: 1,092
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Quote:
Originally Posted by viscus
And here I was expecting The Sandman, Vol. 5.
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Me too. *sob*
Anyway. I'm anything but a poetry critic, but it had a rather interesting sound to it. Or a feel or something. It was exciting, in a way, if a bit awkwardly phrased.
Mhm.
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No.
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01-13-2008, 12:10 AM
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#8
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philly Region
Posts: 616
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I had actually completely forgotten that Sandman Vol. 5 was called Game of You. Now I guess I know where I got the name from. Thank you all for the comments. Does anyone have any recommendations for it?
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01-13-2008, 01:57 AM
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#9
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,687
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You can do far more than you're doing with the relationship-as-game metaphor. For the reader, a lot of things you state are already evoked by the initial association of human interaction with game of chess- we've all played strategy games before, we experience the sensation of worrying whether you're walking into a trap, switching frantically between the defensive and offensive. I'd suggest you delete everything after "and our hearts queens", then write more as though you'd already said everything you say in the omitted bit, because, in truth, you have. Perhaps extrapolate on the idea of wanting the opponent/lover to win to which you just alluded, that's interesting.
Whatever the direction in which you decide to go, this bit:
Quote:
I want to play a game,
where everything is at risk,
from our hearts to our souls.
I want to play a game, where our blood boils
and our sweat chills us.
I want to play a game,
a game of you.
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Is just pure cliche and should be scrapped.
Good luck with it.
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01-13-2008, 12:27 PM
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#10
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: El Paso, Texas/ Ciudad Juarez, Chihuahua
Posts: 9,203
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Comparing anything to chess is always a nice metaphor, as chess is the epitome of western thought. But writing about moves as imagery... it sounds too systematic.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by George Carlin
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01-13-2008, 03:12 PM
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#11
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,721
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus
Is just pure cliche and should be scrapped.
Good luck with it.
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The whole METAPHOR of love as a game is cliched. I'm not saying it can't be done, but I'm of the mind that if you do want to take it on, you can't get away with being this explicit.
How about doing it a little more subtly, like writing the poem as a description of two lovers playing chess, and working the love story into the literal game?
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All pleasure is relief from tension. - William S. Burroughs
Witches have no wit, said the magician who was weak.
Hula, hula, said the witches. - Norman Mailer
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01-13-2008, 04:20 PM
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#12
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: California
Posts: 27
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It would be good as song lyrics.
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01-14-2008, 09:37 AM
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#13
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philly Region
Posts: 616
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Thank you all for the advice and recommendations. I was afraid that it was too cliche. I'll try to play with it and see if I can make it a little less... Cheese-tastic.
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