"Doubts about relationship veracity''
Karma is screwing me. This is what I get for cheating on ex girlfriends - the one girl I want to be with forever is the most distrustful, paranoid and insecure because of what I've done in the past, and she refuses to see how she is different from others and how I would never do anything with anybody without her.
She almost died the other day. She found something online I had nothing to do with and her insecurities climbed on top of her and slapped her silly. She became sure that she had ruined everything, and only her boss's timely intervention prevented her from throwing herself down an elevator shaft and leaving me forever.
For the last week, we've been trying to get her pregnant, but all the love we've felt for each other and the emotional closeness is immediately negated by her fears.
I'm on probation. She almost left me. She spent a day attempting to find somewhere to live. She can't trust me. There's nothing I can do. There's nothing I can say.
If she's reading this...nothing. There's nothing to say. Nothing I say can be believed and I'm reasonably sure even posting this will be another egregious sin. I don't know what to do. Talking with some of my best friends about her near suicide is apparently an unforgivable occurrence as well.
All I can think is that I need to keep everything to myself.
Update - Interesting how emotional discussions had within minutes of waking can be productive. Your guard is down so your impulse to make stupid comments is far lower, and the words don't come as fast so it's easier for you to formulate what you're saying.
Culmination - I will be honest with her, even when doing so will result in unreasonable emotional turmoil on her part; she in turn will try not to make imparting unpleasant truths such a distasteful experience that I attempt to hide it.
This is not to say everything I've posted in the past has been a lie, just [to me] small things that don't merit any importance of late. Did I add a girl I haven't seen in over two years, or did she add me?
I imagine she will be less than happy that I told this site at large about the craziness of the last few days, as she was angry that I mentioned it to a few of my closer friends. Call me the opposite of stoic, but I find it hard to keep attempted suicide bottled up. I keep thinking, maybe if I chew it over often enough, I'll be able to wrap my head around it, understand it, and deal with it rather than repressing what could possibly be the most unpleasant thought I've ever had. Any shrink will tell you otherwise.
She almost died the other day. She found something online I had nothing to do with and her insecurities climbed on top of her and slapped her silly. She became sure that she had ruined everything, and only her boss's timely intervention prevented her from throwing herself down an elevator shaft and leaving me forever.
For the last week, we've been trying to get her pregnant, but all the love we've felt for each other and the emotional closeness is immediately negated by her fears.
I'm on probation. She almost left me. She spent a day attempting to find somewhere to live. She can't trust me. There's nothing I can do. There's nothing I can say.
If she's reading this...nothing. There's nothing to say. Nothing I say can be believed and I'm reasonably sure even posting this will be another egregious sin. I don't know what to do. Talking with some of my best friends about her near suicide is apparently an unforgivable occurrence as well.
All I can think is that I need to keep everything to myself.
Update - Interesting how emotional discussions had within minutes of waking can be productive. Your guard is down so your impulse to make stupid comments is far lower, and the words don't come as fast so it's easier for you to formulate what you're saying.
Culmination - I will be honest with her, even when doing so will result in unreasonable emotional turmoil on her part; she in turn will try not to make imparting unpleasant truths such a distasteful experience that I attempt to hide it.
This is not to say everything I've posted in the past has been a lie, just [to me] small things that don't merit any importance of late. Did I add a girl I haven't seen in over two years, or did she add me?
I imagine she will be less than happy that I told this site at large about the craziness of the last few days, as she was angry that I mentioned it to a few of my closer friends. Call me the opposite of stoic, but I find it hard to keep attempted suicide bottled up. I keep thinking, maybe if I chew it over often enough, I'll be able to wrap my head around it, understand it, and deal with it rather than repressing what could possibly be the most unpleasant thought I've ever had. Any shrink will tell you otherwise.
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