Reminisce
Posted 10-22-2009 at 09:43 PM by DorianGray
So, I honestly find it a little funny to be on this website. Of all people, me? Well i am 18 years-old, i live in Los Angeles and consider myslef to be a fairly varried person. I like films and books of a variety of genres, and I like even more about music.
I am a downright music snob, which seems to be the most common thing for high school rejects to absorb all their interest in. I like noise rock, I like punk, electronic, folk, blues, opera, classical, metal...i even like gangster rap! throw on some Wu Tang and I'll be happy! But I also like a considerable amount of goth, industrial, deathrock, etc. I never tell anyone that. If someone happens to briefly make a reference to something from the goth subculture, I'll smirk, look away, and pretend I don't know exactly what they're talking about. I don't know why, but i am embarassed by that; I usually pride myself in the fact I am a bit of a social misfit, but I revel in being a "freak". Given the view of myslef I try to carry, it seems odd that of all things, I should feel ashamed to know about goth.
Let's take a stroll down memory lane and take a glimpse at waaaay back when:
In middle school, I identified myself as goth. I felt proud and confident. I felt that at 11 years-old I had found my niche in society, and discovered a group of people who understood me. I wore black, fishnets, boots, I dyed my hair black, I BLASTED "Gottes Tod" from my stereo at all hours of the day. I did the whole speil. I loved it. I had several cousins who were also goths, and whenever i visited them in Germany, we would go to different festivals together and share music.
Back in America however, I had no such support or understanding. Kids made fun of me, teachers worried I was the next incarnation of Columbine, and parents thought I was the antichrist. I would go to school and get harassed by teachers and parents worried I was somehow "corrupting" their kids. I would walk around town and get stares from all around. I felt immensely uncomfortable being so different. In high school the pressure became even worse. I hated how people looked at me and before I even got the chance to open my mouth and explain who I was, they assumed to know everything about me. It was a painful realization as a kid to realize that people DID judge and that appearances really WERE everything.
By the middle of my Freshman year I shrunk away, embarassed, and started dressing in Abercrombie and GAP. I didn't reveal to ANYONE I used to be just like all those kids my peers made fun of. Shame on me.
I am trying to turn all that around these days and stop being ashamed of the things I genuinely like. I am trying to wear the clothes I like because what makes me comfortable is infinitely more important than what makes you popular. I'm also trying to stop thinking that, despite the many cliches out there, it's OKAY if people think I am a nerd for listening to Bauhaus. So what?
I don't consider myself a goth these days, just finally comfortable with who I am and the many many many different influences that I have drawn upon that make me myself.
So whether you want to talk about Notorious B. I. G. or Rudimentary Peni, I'm your woman with open ears.
I am a downright music snob, which seems to be the most common thing for high school rejects to absorb all their interest in. I like noise rock, I like punk, electronic, folk, blues, opera, classical, metal...i even like gangster rap! throw on some Wu Tang and I'll be happy! But I also like a considerable amount of goth, industrial, deathrock, etc. I never tell anyone that. If someone happens to briefly make a reference to something from the goth subculture, I'll smirk, look away, and pretend I don't know exactly what they're talking about. I don't know why, but i am embarassed by that; I usually pride myself in the fact I am a bit of a social misfit, but I revel in being a "freak". Given the view of myslef I try to carry, it seems odd that of all things, I should feel ashamed to know about goth.
Let's take a stroll down memory lane and take a glimpse at waaaay back when:
In middle school, I identified myself as goth. I felt proud and confident. I felt that at 11 years-old I had found my niche in society, and discovered a group of people who understood me. I wore black, fishnets, boots, I dyed my hair black, I BLASTED "Gottes Tod" from my stereo at all hours of the day. I did the whole speil. I loved it. I had several cousins who were also goths, and whenever i visited them in Germany, we would go to different festivals together and share music.
Back in America however, I had no such support or understanding. Kids made fun of me, teachers worried I was the next incarnation of Columbine, and parents thought I was the antichrist. I would go to school and get harassed by teachers and parents worried I was somehow "corrupting" their kids. I would walk around town and get stares from all around. I felt immensely uncomfortable being so different. In high school the pressure became even worse. I hated how people looked at me and before I even got the chance to open my mouth and explain who I was, they assumed to know everything about me. It was a painful realization as a kid to realize that people DID judge and that appearances really WERE everything.
By the middle of my Freshman year I shrunk away, embarassed, and started dressing in Abercrombie and GAP. I didn't reveal to ANYONE I used to be just like all those kids my peers made fun of. Shame on me.
I am trying to turn all that around these days and stop being ashamed of the things I genuinely like. I am trying to wear the clothes I like because what makes me comfortable is infinitely more important than what makes you popular. I'm also trying to stop thinking that, despite the many cliches out there, it's OKAY if people think I am a nerd for listening to Bauhaus. So what?
I don't consider myself a goth these days, just finally comfortable with who I am and the many many many different influences that I have drawn upon that make me myself.
So whether you want to talk about Notorious B. I. G. or Rudimentary Peni, I'm your woman with open ears.
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