SMF 2: Project T
Since last time we went over my latest failure, I thought it appropriate that we do my very first one next.
Project T was the very first story I ever began. That was over four years ago, and still it stands a skeleton. (I hope it hasn't been over five years already... That sure would add some salt in the wound, wouldn't it? I don't have the date in front of me right now, so I can't be sure.)
I think it sort of shows that this was my first. I don’t think the writing is quite on par with all the stuff that came after. Which is a real shame, because I still think this is one of my best stories, if not the very best.
Also, it’s sort of embarrassingly close to being finished, yet it’s not. I mean, one could sort of read it from start to finish, I think, except that almost everything needs editing, and a whole bunch of scenes, especially in the later chapters, are still in very rough form. But only one scene is completely broken currently, I think. I might be wrong.
But anyway, it’s almost readable. Unless it's not.
If I had the mental endurance, I could probably finish it in one month! And that’s probably been the case for two years already! Alas, the mental endurance is not me. I am a weakling. A loser. Milksop. Failure. Always, forever failure.
I took a word count of its current state some time ago, and found out, that according to some shady internet site, Project T is already the length of an epic novel. That means it’s supposedly longer than a usual novel. So, I almost wrote a really lengthy book, possibly. That’s something, I guess. Then again, almost doesn't count, so it's nothing.
Because of all this, I consider Project T to be my second biggest failure.
I’m not entirely sure what exactly I find so embarrassing about Project T, that makes it so appalling to me that I cannot touch it anymore. I can’t put my finger on it. So, I can’t show you my pain, I can only assure you that it’s there.
Hmm. Maybe it’s that the male protagonist turned out unintentionally effeminate. That’s part of it, but not all of it. The sub-par writing I already mentioned is another part of it, but it still doesn’t add up to enough.
Hmm. Though maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s not so much embarrassment that keeps me from finishing this one, as it is the feeling of futility. That even if I did finish this, it would be so ugly that it would be useless, worthless… Maybe… Beyond salvation.
Next up: My biggest failure yet... Stay tuned, my electric minded friends.
UPDATE:
More recent thoughts concerning Project T:
I came up with at least one more thing that embarrasses me so terribly that I freeze. It's that I use a real life band as a plot device in this book, and that's so ridiculous and lame and eyerolly and shit... I've tried to save myself from that, by replacing it with a made up band, but it doesn't work. It immediately becomes lacking then. Fuck, I hate myself.
And another thing that freezes me without causing embarrassment, is that one of the characters is way smarter than I am. I mean, all of the characters are smarter than I am, of course, but one of them is really wicked-smart, so writing her scenes is damn hard. I mean, I'm an idiot, everybody knows that by now, so how the hell am I supposed to make that wicked-smart person not sound like an idiot as well? Somehow, strangely, I've managed to wing some of it, but there's still more to go.
This shit will keep bothering me. My earlier optimism about this being somehow therapeutic or something (you know, the point where I said something like, this would dissuade my embarrassment) well, that feeling has died. Everything is dead.
Project T was the very first story I ever began. That was over four years ago, and still it stands a skeleton. (I hope it hasn't been over five years already... That sure would add some salt in the wound, wouldn't it? I don't have the date in front of me right now, so I can't be sure.)
I think it sort of shows that this was my first. I don’t think the writing is quite on par with all the stuff that came after. Which is a real shame, because I still think this is one of my best stories, if not the very best.
Also, it’s sort of embarrassingly close to being finished, yet it’s not. I mean, one could sort of read it from start to finish, I think, except that almost everything needs editing, and a whole bunch of scenes, especially in the later chapters, are still in very rough form. But only one scene is completely broken currently, I think. I might be wrong.
But anyway, it’s almost readable. Unless it's not.
If I had the mental endurance, I could probably finish it in one month! And that’s probably been the case for two years already! Alas, the mental endurance is not me. I am a weakling. A loser. Milksop. Failure. Always, forever failure.
I took a word count of its current state some time ago, and found out, that according to some shady internet site, Project T is already the length of an epic novel. That means it’s supposedly longer than a usual novel. So, I almost wrote a really lengthy book, possibly. That’s something, I guess. Then again, almost doesn't count, so it's nothing.
Because of all this, I consider Project T to be my second biggest failure.
I’m not entirely sure what exactly I find so embarrassing about Project T, that makes it so appalling to me that I cannot touch it anymore. I can’t put my finger on it. So, I can’t show you my pain, I can only assure you that it’s there.
Hmm. Maybe it’s that the male protagonist turned out unintentionally effeminate. That’s part of it, but not all of it. The sub-par writing I already mentioned is another part of it, but it still doesn’t add up to enough.
Hmm. Though maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s not so much embarrassment that keeps me from finishing this one, as it is the feeling of futility. That even if I did finish this, it would be so ugly that it would be useless, worthless… Maybe… Beyond salvation.
Next up: My biggest failure yet... Stay tuned, my electric minded friends.
UPDATE:
More recent thoughts concerning Project T:
I came up with at least one more thing that embarrasses me so terribly that I freeze. It's that I use a real life band as a plot device in this book, and that's so ridiculous and lame and eyerolly and shit... I've tried to save myself from that, by replacing it with a made up band, but it doesn't work. It immediately becomes lacking then. Fuck, I hate myself.
And another thing that freezes me without causing embarrassment, is that one of the characters is way smarter than I am. I mean, all of the characters are smarter than I am, of course, but one of them is really wicked-smart, so writing her scenes is damn hard. I mean, I'm an idiot, everybody knows that by now, so how the hell am I supposed to make that wicked-smart person not sound like an idiot as well? Somehow, strangely, I've managed to wing some of it, but there's still more to go.
This shit will keep bothering me. My earlier optimism about this being somehow therapeutic or something (you know, the point where I said something like, this would dissuade my embarrassment) well, that feeling has died. Everything is dead.
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