I have never been a real goth because I never really knew where I fitted in and there weren't any goths in my home town (that I knew of) so I didn't know I would fit in with a group. So I spent my life thinking I was different from everyone else.
I became a father doing all the things regular people do. I hid my real self because I felt that I had to. Eventually - and predicatably - years of frustration built up inside me and I started worrying that I had wasted my life. My kids have been great and I love being a father but my mental health has suffered considerably because of the choices I made to fit in to society and earn a living to support my family.
That came to a head when I was diagnosed with clinical depression and had a bit of a break down. Then I realised that the relationship with my wife was harmful to me and I moved out. Hardest thing ever, to leave your family home knowing your kids don't understand why you have gone.
My ex and I have remained good friends and she found another bloke. Two of my kids now live with me.
I have stayed single, battling depression and trying to find love. I sank to my lowest point in 2015 with a suicide attempt and for those who say "That's selfish, what about your kids?" it is impossible to explain what your mind is going through when you see death as the only answer to your problems. I got help and made the decision that I would never allow myself to get that low again. My life is my life and I will never sell out again. I am me and I will defend my quirkiness to anyone who questions it.
I decided that it was time to find that life partner and joined dating sites. Nothing makes you more depressed than being rejected by every woman on Match.com. A hundred women a day, looking at your profile for six months and you just get half a dozen likes from women in their late fifties and sixties. Is this how 25 year olds feel when I "like" them? Oh god.
So my life is coming together nicely apart from the female partner. Really lonely.
This may all sound a bit depressing but I am actually a very chirpy person who is the first to crack jokes. No one I work with knows I suffer from depression because they don't need to.
I am pretty intelligent and believe that my pathological need to anaylyse everything in my life (and the world) is what really fuels my depression.
I am working on a theory of altruism, which has been great fun. I have developed a questionnaire which I will put on my blogsite. I have also written an eight-page list of ways that humans can exist without pissing each other off. It won't work because too many people are selfish. However, I think that maybe it could be drip-fed into the population so that future generation's can adopt it. Who knows. I dream big and simplify complicated problems.
I like dark and moody music, so my playlist will range from Soundgarden, to (early) Queen, Megadeth, My Chemical Romance, Blue October, Marilyn Manson, The Carpenters, The Beatles and 1930s music (The Boswell Sisters were amazing).
Happy to make friends and find gothy peeps in England. And who knows, maybe my life partner is a member of this community. As I said, I like to dream.
Not sure how much to write so I will end here.
[Did I mention my books? I have two publsihed novels
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