Coming Out Of The Goth Closet

[Nicola]

I have always been odd. When I was ten,I asked my mom could we visit Oakland Cemetery.Her answer was a resounding no. I got even odder as I got older.I delighted in watching horror movies. I started listening to Depeche Mode,Korn,Marilyn Manson,Tool,HIM,Loreena Mckennit,Tori Amos,Kate Bush and others.I still listened to Scarface,Tupac,UGK, and Bone Thugs N Harmony but all these artists have written some pretty dark stuff. I devoured Anne Rice,Stephen King,and Octavia Butler along with Maya Angelou,Toni Morrison,Richard Wright,and my guilty pleasure,Danielle Steel. I started reading Edgar Allen Poe and H.P.Lovecraft. As my thoughts and tastes changed,I still tried to fit in with my friends by pretending to know what they were talking about when they mentioned the latest dance,fashion or rap song. I desperately wanted to fit in. But I began to realize I was different. I loved old graveyards.I would love to live in a haunted house and greatly desire to see a ghost one day.I didn't want to wear Baby Phat and Air Force Ones. I didn't care for bling-bling and didn't have any interest in the clubs my friends went to.Halloween sent me into a frenzy of delight and I stayed up all night,convinced ghosts were going to come and visit me.

I thought most rap sucked and was an insult to the black community with it's ridiculous materialism,blatant lack of meaning, and glorification of the dead end hustler lifestyle.This didn't gain me any friends!

I wore black lipstick,clothes,and wrote the most dreadful poetry imaginable.I wanted to paint my walls black and lay on my bed in the classic Egyptian pose,pondering life and death. Being black,this kind of behavior had my mother ready to call the people in the white coats with hypodermics full of tranquilizers! Of course my family considered me to be a nut!

Blunt Brother:Are you hitting the pipe?

Kush Smoking Brother:Sis,keep doing you! Lalalalalalalalalala,the walls are purple!

Lunatic Brother:Ha! You're crazy,not me! Did you see that little man under my bed?Tee hee!

Mom:Baby,we need to go to church together.NOW.

Stepdad:She's on something.Those white kids worship the Devil and eat babies,Nic!

Cousin:You've always been crazy. Do Goths wear pretty clothes? Can you pull up some pics on the computer so I can see their clothes? I can't be seen with you if you're going to dress ugly!

My cousin was the only one who took the time to listen to me. But I still kept myself hidden,even wearing what I refer to as Black Drag aka typical hip hop gear so I wouldn't be dissed. I realized I wanted to write and while I was in school,ALL my creative writing teachers steered me towards black writers. Nothing wrong with that because I think Toni Morrison and Maya Angelou are the shiznit all the day long and would probably burst into tears,wet my pants,and fall into a dead faint if I ever met them! But as much as I admired these two ladies, that style of writing wasn't me. My imagination is much darker,the landscape of my mind weirder than anything Dali could come up with.As my vampires,werewolves,and lycans took over my writing along with the deranged splatterpunk I occasionally write,I delved into other genres.Sci-fi and fantasy joined horror as my favorites,my worlds.Icould hear my characters speaking to me and materializing fully in my mind.I write characters of all races and I got much flack for this.Black writers don't write(insert expletive) like this! Are you crazy? WTF is this? Why do you have all these white folks in your writing? Are you trying to be white? Don't you know those people worship the Devil?
WTF is wrong with you?

It became increasingly difficult to be in two worlds. Day to day,I was in drag,being someone I wasn't because I feared ostracism and didn't want my Christian mom to know I was quite seriously liking voodoo,witchcraft,paganism,and other alternative religions. I wondered whether my brothers would fully accept me.Coming from the Deep South and a strong Christian family,I felt very afraid. So I retreated into the Internet. Online,I was in Goth chatrooms,talking with other odd folks and feeling so happy that I wasn't alone.Slowly but surely it got to be a strain and I had to make a choice for myself. I chose the Darkside and once I did so,it felt like a huge weight was lifted off of me! I let go of my drag and wear what I want. Though I still listen to rap,I love my metal and dark music. I write whatever comes to my mind. It wasn't all good,though.I learned the prejudice that I encountered in life exists within the Goth culture as well. It hurt because I thought that people who are judged wrongly nearly everyday because of their appearance might be more understanding. I couldn't seem to find other Goths of color. But those experiences were crushed by the kind,funny,crazy,and lovable people I met who didn't care about race. I met Goths of all stripes and gained true friends. My brothers came around and my mother is ready for me to write my first bestseller so she can retire to the Bahamas. My cousin thinks Goths can dress their asses off. As for me,I'm a happy,deranged,and sweet soul.It was a long journey but I feel soooooo good about myself,my writing,and my life.

Life in the Goth Closet can be rough,indeed.But it's even worse to remain in that closet,afraid to be who you are and letting others dictate your life. My lesson that I learned is:

Be who you are,embrace it,love it,and live it!

[BlackButterfly]

Holy crap on pita bread, sis. I read so much of myself in that post I was wondering if I had gone schizo for a minute and started another account. I know almost EXACTLY how you feel (except insert fashion/sewing references into where you talk about your writing). I even have a sister (or two) like your cousin!

I HATED being asked "What, you wanna be white now?" by members of my family. I was already called "weird" because I thought differently (always the deviant), and I caught it constantly because of the way I spoke (I sound educated, therefore I "talk white").

It blows multicolored chunks across new white carpet to hear shit like "Goths can't be black!" and "You gotta be the biggest poser/wannabe of all time!" when you're hanging out on "the scene" and encounter some "gothier-than-thou" moron with preconceived notions about a what can and can't be in a subculture that is ostracized and demonized by the mainstream about how they dress/look and what they listen to, and how they may or may not act.

The one thing that tripped me out the most (to this day my favorite) was how someone railed on my ass for wearing a black ankh charm on my spiked collar (oh, the irony!). Hellooo? Anyone remember what CONTINENT Egypt's on?

What part of the South are you from?

[Vako]

That was awsome! Thanks for sharing that about yourself. Welcome to the "otherness". You seem to know yourself, and are true to yourself. That is what it takes. You are unique, but you are not special... or perhapse you are special, but you are not unique. Keep yourself in check, and you will grow up to be an original. Always stand up for yourself. You got the right attitude that could lead to success.

[Clockwork]

Truly touching. I think we all suffer to an extent to be ourselves, but it only makes it more worthwhile in the end.

And the very idea of racism within our subculture seems preposterous to me...

[BlackButterfly]

Never mind, I found the answer to my question...

We're from the same state, too! ATL proper, or Metro?

(and believe me Clockwork, it's there--especially "down South"...)

[Nicola]

Originally Posted by BlackButterfly

Never mind, I found the answer to my question...

We're from the same state, too! ATL proper, or Metro?

(and believe me Clockwork, it's there--especially "down South"...)

Hey!

Metro Atlanta!

[Nicola]

Originally Posted by Clockwork

Truly touching. I think we all suffer to an extent to be ourselves, but it only makes it more worthwhile in the end.

And the very idea of racism within our subculture seems preposterous to me...

Hello,Clockwork!

It's there and just as nasty. But it was stomped down by the truly kind people that I met.

[maggot]

Am I the only person who was thoroughly annoyed by this?

I only saw gothicism in the literary aspect, and to some extent of personality. Alienation for being weird/dark is only "kind of" goth.
Metal isn't goth.
HIM and Marilyn Manson are not goth.
Korn is not goth.



"voodoo,witchcraft,paganism,and other alternative religions"
Why does everyone think it's goth to not be a fucking mainstream religion. HOW ABOUT NO FUCKING RELIGION, HUH?


It seems more like you're a kid coming from a black family that believes you guys are supposed to be all "YO YO G UNIT!", so you're rebelling against their preconceived notions by trying to be what they consider belonging to the "white devil".



You have lost 2 out of your three points. Redeem yourself now.
Flaming me will only make it worse.

Rectify any statements I have made in a cool and composed manner, lest others will get angry too. Remember, on the forums, respect your elders.



Oh, and by the way, we do eat babies. That's not a misconception.
My favorites the mulatto's from southeastern California.


Oh, and by the way, if you call me racist because I don't like you, and claim it's because you're black, I will murder you, are we clear?

[MollyMac]

You may not think yourself a racist, but you *are* a twat.

I love it when goths (or anyone) with a persecution complex and a limited mindset as to what is gothy (or chosen subcultue) criticize another, as if something is somehow more genuine and real because you say so. Who cares what you think? No one cares what you think or feel, not one gives a shit if you see them as Gothy MacGawtherson or a poser.

Someone new reached out, and you chose to shit on them for no real reason other than you somehow have more credability. If you read the post, about how she (?) can't really get all Ubergawthified like your superior self, you might understand a bit better. Different social and family situations make for different levels of understand, research and preferences.

But that would take you pulling your head out of your overly self entitled ass and looking three feet away from your pedestaled person to see and understand.

It only shows that no matter where you are on a perceived social food chain, someone always wants to put themselves above you.

*ignore*

[maggot]

Actually, I don't think I'm goth. Haha.

I'm just overly elitistic (Is that a word? haha) and know how to have fun with it.


The essay above was no different to me than that BBC article written by 12 year olds about being goff.

[son_of_putrefaction]

Originally Posted by Nicola

I desperately wanted to fit in.

You're just trying to fit in another crowd, just with another cliche. If you really like graveyards and sleeping like an egyptian, do it, and show confidence in yourself, that's the only way other people are going to realize you aren't just being rebellious (because you aren't) but, that it is something important for you =P. I can relate a lot, because I'm brown and I like wearing black sometimes, and everybody is "You shoudn't wear black never!!" O_o. Anyway.. Good Luck =P.

[DarkHeartedDemoness]

Originally Posted by son_of_putrefaction

You're just trying to fit in another crowd, just with another cliche. If you really like graveyards and sleeping like an egyptian, do it, and show confidence in yourself, that's the only way other people are going to realize you aren't just being rebellious (because you aren't) but, that it is something important for you =P. I can relate a lot, because I'm brown and I like wearing black sometimes, and everybody is "You shoudn't wear black never!!" O_o. Anyway.. Good Luck =P.

You don't need to listen to ANYONE who says "you shouldn't wear black never". It's a ridiculously composed sentence, and it completely invalidates the (already idiotic) point.

[maggot]

xDDD
I love you, DHD.

[Cyntrox]

I like the way you write! You seem like a very intresting person...

[son_of_putrefaction]

Originally Posted by DarkHeartedDemoness

You don't need to listen to ANYONE who says "you shouldn't wear black never".

I don't care what they say, I'm just saying I've been told that. ie girl says: "I hate stupid elitist cunts in goth forums" I say "I can relate because I've got an X experience with an stupid elitist cunt in a goth forum". the difference is I just ignore the person, =/. I've got no point to prove.

[HumanePain]

Wow Nicola, thanks for sharing your experience, I was never aware of that kind of perspective before.

What Maggot was saying (and it could have been said with a little more respect, but that is our Maggot, take him or leave him) is that some of your music tastes, in conflict as they may have been with your social environment, are not in the genre of Goth; but in my humble opinion, your post was about much more than just music: it was the portrayal your individual experience in an extremely challenging social setting.

The closest I have to relating to your (and Black Butterfly's) experience, is that although there are other middle aged Goths, we are separated geographically, so that most of my local generation regards me as a little...weird. I have no one locally I can socialize with in my age bracket. Fortunately, younger generations tolerate me in the local Goth scene.

As has been said by others in earlier posts: be yourself. Survive. And derive what enjoyment you can from your life, in those little corners and niches where you can smile and have fun.

[Neurosis]

I live in the Bronx in NYC, and it is comprised of Hispanics (being me) and Black people. Obviously, all that rap and hip-hop, living the "gangsta" life is everywhere. These days, people tolerate Goths here in the Bronx. I knew a lot of Black people who are Goth, and no one let them down because they are Black and Goth. The only negative reference they give to Goth people are the lifestyle issues (ex. music, clothing, and the like) not racial issues.

What I am saying is that, even though it may seem tough, even where you live, things will get better. You could one day see yourself in a circle of minority Goths. People go through tough times all time, so really, just be yourself and do well. Never put yourself down.

--Neurosis

[maggot]

Why is there no asian goth scene? EGL doesn't count, they're all weekenders. (They are; it's a weekend culture.)

The closest they have is Visual Kei.

[killer_asian_Dax]

Very touching Nicola. Being 1/2 black myself , and having gone to a school peopled by primarily blacks and mexicans, I can understand fully. Except I never made any attempt at 'hiding' who I was by dressing down. If anything, my clothes got louder (in the goth sense). My dad still doesn't want to accept the fact that I am who I am. He wants to stay in his own little world where I'm a good student, I don't drink, don't have sex, don't stay out late hanging out with the guys (nevermind the fact that we're watching the races)....yaddah yaddah yaddah. Luckily most of my dad's side of the family lives in Arkansas so it's no trouble whatsoever to not deal with them and their judgements. (My family back east are UBER christian)
And fortunately my Japanese mother has always been much like me ( but she says I'm ballsier than she was at my age).

Relating aside, welcome.

[DarkHeartedDemoness]

Originally Posted by maggot

Why is there no asian goth scene? EGL doesn't count, they're all weekenders. (They are; it's a weekend culture.)

The closest they have is Visual Kei.

a.) You mean "are"

b.) You can be asian, you can be goth, and you don't have to restrict yourself to a scene/style that comes from an asian country.

[maggot]

>.>;

That's not what I mean.

I mean ASIAN goth scene. As in IN ASIA. Silly.

Would you prefer I said oriental? Asianic? SQUINTY EYED REGION??! xD

[MollyMac]

You obviously were vague.

And still a twat.

And bordering Ethnicist.

[maggot]

Yeah, okay. Especially according to the fact there seriously is no noticable goth scene in asia.


Which is why I was talking about EGL, not Asian dudes listening to Christian Death.


Personally, I don't care too much if you wanna call me ethnicist or any other fancy word for biased. Also, this sin't your fight, Mollz. Learn to take a joke, and learn how to recognise one (The little laughing face is a good start there, slugger.)


Being racial does not make you racist. I hate how so many uber-left wing fucking overliberals have starting thinkng that.

And don't reword that, either. Anyone who properly knows me knows that I'm strongly liberal and an anarcho-communist, blahblahblah. I'm just talking about the morons who think mentioning someone has a RACE is bad.

[Nicola]

Interesting responses and I thank you all for them.


How Goth is viewed depends on the individual.At least that's what I believe.

I wasn't aware my musical choices weren't quite Goth! If some of you would be kind enough to introduce me to new music and bands,I would like that very much.


To those of you who understand, have faced something similar,or were kind enough to read my post,I'm glad I met you!

To those who feel differently,it's all good!

[DarkHeartedDemoness]

Well, stick with Tori Amos, no matter who categorizes her as what. She rocks.