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I cant get out
People dont seem to understand the invidividuality of others because they never give time to really get to know them, then they dont know how far they've gone and what experiences they've been through to make them who they are and who they want to be. It's not easy being who you are, but when someone trashes you for something you state then really all they do is break you down. Being broken down is difficult because the pieces always take so long to put back together. No one has to respond to this. Im just being thoughtful. I dont know why, but it's almost as if this false god is telling me to stay here, dont move, dont leave and you will get better- but when i found out that the false god came in the same bottle of pills that i was taking i learned how drugs can change your entire life in on instant.
But if the doctor- who's sympathy is truly just sarcasm really cares- he wouldnt be putting me on so many of these drugs. I wouldnt be put on adderall valium and anti-depressant and also because he doesnt even know that the drug reactions to the others are dangerous- because i have looked them up on the internet and i know that he really doesnt even tell the truth.
Now I am finally finding myself, despite my ears which ring and despite i can no longer cry and no longer find the person who i am through any means.
I have no desire to leave. i dont want this god to be a ruler, just want this shit this mania this absence this wrongness to stop....if it could. because everywhere ive been people have shoved me aside....and no one has ever talked to me in my entire life- i had a best friend once, she was my only friend. I have never had more than four friends in my whole life. I have never had a boyfriend....i am tired of spilling my blood on this planet just because of the sadistic reasons im tired...and suicide is constantly where i am. sometimes I may just want to go there. Even over the smallest things, it's not that i let them bother me, but when my mom goes on her insane rampages and starts yelling in public and yelling at me about everything i do- a man shows up at our door with divorce papers, and no one even tells me anything in this family. what do i want? I want....freedom. eternal life, even if i have to endure this torture on this planet. the only thing i truly fear...is losing myself.
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