Your Past, Relived

[Aaroneet]

Now I am truly stumped. I know that it's an awkward first sentence, but I feel awkward (and frank) at the moment. Does it ever seem as though you work to improve yourself and you land right back where you started? I have worked to find camraderie on this site, and to establish myself. Granted, I have had some tussles along the way, but overall, I am starting to feel like I've found where I belong for the first time. I feel welcomed, and suddenly I find myself by somebody who thinks that he or she knows me, and knows nothing about me. Many of you have read my "Dissapointed" post, and know where I, the former, I hate to say it, "bully victim" and U.C patient, am coming from. I've come so far; I've gone nowhere at all.

Whether it's my father discussing my impairment with distance or seeming obliviousness to my surroundings as a result of delayed development at infancy (echolalia), or somebody I hardly know giving me directions as to how I should conduct myself, I feel trapped. I know that it may come off as "teen angst"; it is simply the result of a slightly abnormal childhood. My father always had to determine who could be my friend, and who couldn't. HE had to constantly monitor everything I did like a hawk. It was fine when I was little, but at sixteen, I shouldn't have to take this type of direction, especially from somebody I don't even know. It's more than just tacky advice; it's reopening wounds. It's having your contributions, everything positive that somebody told you, being ripped apart in front of your face. It's being told that you're a hack when you've been told that you're a brilliant writer. It's...being in the emergency room again at midnight, your mother screaming about how your internal organs are "bleeding buckets." It's having to walk into a room with an angry teacher daily who wonders why you can't seem to follow simple instructions. It's losing control of your life...It's...It's...not worth living. A life lived in shame is not worth living.

Again, I apologize for the emotion, but this is simply how I feel. Having emotions are a part of being human; these are my imperfections. That is what makes me who I am. It is the reason I write; if I am not a writer, then what am I? Just a miserable shadow of a person, just waiting for that final heart-tick.

[HumanePain]

The trapped feeling is justified Aaroneet. At 16, you are becoming an adult, but parents are so used to being the boss after so many years that it is difficult to begin treating you with greater respect (adult to adult peer respect) and with greater freedom. To them it is the same grip they have always held, but to you who is becoming older and wiser it is maturity bumping into their (no longer needed) limits.

When the friction occurs at these limit encounters, the "bumps" should be a signal to parents that it is time to grant greater freedom and also greater respect, but some parents have a hard time letting go, and will in fact tighten their grip in a futile attempt to "return" to control. This is normal also, as it has the effect of accelerating the process of your breakaway into freedom and independence, although it is more peaceful if they slowly let go and not fight it.

This is the most difficult time of your life, but always remember that it IS worth living! You are doing the right thing by sharing your feelings and reaching out for help; catharsis and venting help to release these bottled up emotions, and your network of friends will ease the process. Hang in there young man. You need to survive this, as you have much to offer the world in terms of your mind and talents.

[Valerius]

What Humane said is true. At my age of 19, my mom still feels like she's taking care of the 7 year old me. She always told me that I'd be the same 7 year old in her eyes. When I go out at night, she often tells me to not be late, in a tone that's not so flattering, like as if she can't get over the fact that I'm not 7 years old anymore.

Be strong, buddy. Just ride out the last few waves and you're free as a dove once you're old enough to move out.

[Tin_Lizzie]

Forgive me if I misinterpreted this, but does this rant have anything to do with the rather bizarre critique that a fly-by intelligentsia (who nobody here knows) imposed on your poem in the Lit section? First of all, disregard the negative comments. You know you're no hack, by any definition. Secondly, learning to accept criticism is an important skill for a writer. I know it's hard, but remember that it's not you he's tearing down, he's deconstructing a piece of writing. The poem is inside you, the concept is in your head and he can't touch that. He can only comment on the words you used to express it. Make the poem even stronger, bring the concept into focus so that nobody can misunderstand it.

Also remember that posting on a public forum is asking for advice from strangers, and take it in stride when you don't like what they say. Including this.

[HumanePain]

Ah, good catch Tin Lizzie, I missed the reference to being told a hack.

Yes, Araroneet, what she said in the previous post is good advice too.
I love your writing. The only thing I stand to gain in telling you so, is that you will be encouraged to post more of your writing for me to enjoy.

[Aaroneet]

You're right, Tin Lizzie. Part of writing is learning to accept criticism; it was not so much the criticism as what was said afterwards, that any compliment given to me is done so out of ulterior motives. That was where I drew the line.

And yes, it has to do with my past. It sort of represented negativity in my life, that if one positive comment had ulterior motives, then maybe they all did. It's like saying that someone doesn't deserve good comments; that the definitive good thing is, and will always be, too elusive. The criticism I understood, and I did take the advice to an extent. But the "ulterior motives" part, quite frankly, got under my skin like a poisonous thorn sticking me in my weakest side.

[Aaroneet]

Then again, there was also simple, random venting.

[Aaroneet]

On another note, and I apologize for the separate posts, I thank you for your support, Humanepain, Valerius, and Tin Lizzie. It may seem like one post, but it has meaning to me. I don't mean to sound angsty or be melodramatic, but I've always wanted a simple and loyal friend. It looks like I have found more online than in person.

[HumanePain]

You're welcome!

Now post more writing will you?

[Delicate_Torture]

Excuse my ignorance... for there is much of it, but what is an U.C. patient?

[Aaroneet]

Ulcerative Colitis, an inflammation of the large intestine which causes your body to attack it as though the organ were a foreign thing. Essentially, your body acts as though you're allergic to your large intestine. That is, if you didn't know what Ulcerative Colitis is, I wanted to explain...Just in case.

[Aaroneet]

And Humanepain, I have plenty more writing where that came from. The new one is called, "The Wanderer".

[Tin_Lizzie]

Originally Posted by Aaroneet

The criticism I understood, and I did take the advice to an extent. But the "ulterior motives" part, quite frankly, got under my skin like a poisonous thorn sticking me in my weakest side.

I struggled with those demons often enough myself and as you continue with your writing, you'll run into more "double-edged" critiques. Personally, I just decided to be amused rather than upset. So now when I get insulting comments, I think "Ha-ha, made your eyes bleed," but I say, "Thanks for the feedback," and move on.

Most people don't spend a whole lot of time on critiques and what they say is more about themselves than you. When someone gives you a thoughtful critique, the negatives are much easier to accept. We can learn from both kinds if we consider the source - everyone gives subjective comments, to a certain extent. Just take what suggestions work, and forgive/forget what doesn't.

[Aaroneet]

That's sort of what I did. I'm not going to compromise my entire writing style just because one person thought that it was a little "too complex". However, I can make the language just a bit simpler for the sake of making the poem more accessible. That I have no problem doing. Part of my job is being able to reach out to the reader and say, "Do you know how I'm feeling?" If that involves modernizing the language a bit, then I will do that (or have done that in my most recent poems).