New Joke thread

[Ben Lahnger]

Relaxed

Mrs. Ogden went to her doctor and said "Please give me a prescription for the Pill."

"I don't think you need the Pill at your age."

"It relaxes me."

"But you know the 'purpose' of the Pill. It's not for relaxing," exclaimed the physician.

"I know," said Mrs Ogden, "but my daughter dates, and every morning I drop one in her orange juice. Believe me, I feel more relaxed.

.

[Ben Lahnger]

Two Blonde Guys At The Lumberyard

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

.

[bjork_freak]

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while, the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender nervously replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the nun asked.

"Well, there is a life-size statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf."

"Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."

So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again.

However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She walked up to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, because now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on that statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"

[Ben Lahnger]

Bwah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah! I like it!

[tenet_2012]

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

[Godslayer Jillian]

That's deep....

[aspendeath]

This one is better vocally, but:

Why do they call it Sandiego?

Because someone dropped a waffle on the beach!

[Ben Lahnger]

Priceless Timing

Dan wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Dan is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste
like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the
party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Dan had
to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Dan sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Dan asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"


Broken Coffee Table $39.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing at the right time...... Priceless

[DarkIce]

Once in a quizshow. There were an Australian and a priest competing against each other. Their scores were equal, so they had to create a verse about "Timbuktu".

The priest began:
"I was a father, all my life,
had no children, had no wife.
I read the Bible, through and through.
On my way to Timbuktu."

Then the Australian told his version:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went,
we met three ladies cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
so I booked one and Tim booked two!"

[DarkIce]

President Beorge Gush is visiting an elementary school today and he
visits one of the classes.They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the
discussion of the word, "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Gush, "that would be an ACCIDENT." A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." "I'm
afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Gush searches the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. Gush, were struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic," exclaims Gush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident,
and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."

[DarkIce]

On a Transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when a wing is struck by lightning. A woman in first class loses control. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I`m too young to die!". A nearby lady tries to comfort her, but she won`t be comforted. Suddenly she yells, "Well, if I`m going to die, I want my last minutes of life to count for something! I`ve had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I`ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Distracted from their own peril, all stare at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man in business class stands up. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. From his appearance it is obvious he is a man with whom a woman would like to pass her last moments. He walks up the aisle, slowly unbuttoning his shirt as he walks. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the handsome man approaches. He removes his shirt. The sight of his bare torso brings a gasp of delight from the woman. He reaches for her, holding his shirt toward the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

[Draconysius]

I don't know if it has been posted before, but I have a little joke taken from "No W" by Ministry. Of course, I do not claim it as my own. The line is as follows: "Ask me why you're feeling screwed and I'll give you the answer: There's a Colin, Dick, and Bush just a-hammerin' away!"

[Ben Lahnger]

Here's looking up your old ad-dress!

One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office. "Veronica, I just don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?"

"Oh, my God!" her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!"

"What should I do?" asked Gloria.

Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress."

[Ben Lahnger]

Henjoy yourself!

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."

[Ben Lahnger]

Yahoo for Native Americans?

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes, the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final yahoo and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."

[Nike]

Well, I'm pretty sure it's a fake....but it's still funny

The chief of United States naval operations has released the following transcript of a radio conversation between a US Navy ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

US ship:
Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid collision.
Canadians:
Recommend you divert course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.
US ship:
This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
Canadians:
No, I say again, you divert your course!
US ship:
This is aircraft carrier USS Missouri; we are a large warship of the US Navy. Divert you course now!!.
Canadians:
This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[succubus,queenofvampires]

I read some of the jokes, and they're funny as hell!!!! Thanks, everyone, you've just made my day.

[Ben Lahnger]

Two-Ply Reply

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.

"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is Soft As A Baby's Kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."

He grabs another and says, "This is Nice And Soft As A Bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."

Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name Brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says.

She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."

"Why?" he asks.

"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"

[Ben Lahnger]

BM-W?

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

[Ben Lahnger]

Driving A Point Home

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[Godslayer Jillian]

I love this comic

http://www.vgcats.com/comics/?strip_id=185

That site's freakin' awesome!!!

[DarkIce]

And I love this one...

http://cgibin.rcn.com/fillmore.dnai/cgi-bin/sviewer.pl

[Godslayer Jillian]

Hehe, those two cats are awesome, but what can be better than a fat shark?
OH, that's right, videogame parodies!

[| BlackOps | couch]

http://www.thekidswindow.co.uk/image...ts/RAU0002.jpg

[TwistedKitsune]

So, this little boy is digging a hole in his flowerbed when his neighbor walks up and says. "So, Johnny, what are you doing?"
Little Johhny looks up at him and says, "I'm burying my goldfish, he died this morning."
"Oh, that's too bad," says the old man. "Wouldn't you say that's an awfully large hole though?"
"No," replied little Johnny, "because he's inside your stupid cat!!!"