New Joke thread

[Paper_Wings]

I don't think anyone has posted this so, here it is...

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

[Paper_Wings]

okay,one more:

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Baptist."

The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."

[Wise Child]

I heard this one earlier and for some reason, it cracked me up.

Q) What's the last thing a redneck says before it dies?

A) "Hey y'all, watch this!"

[Ben Lahnger]

Yep, I've hear that one before ... I still like it! Ha ha ha!

Happy Hour?

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."

One Cent?" the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

.

[Godslayer Jillian]

Loved it

[Paper_Wings]

How do you make winnie the pooh angry?
Stick a finger in his honey (well you kinda have to think about that one)

[Haunted House]

Feel free to not laugh at this:

Q.) What do you call a vegan Gothic Rock band?

A.) Soy Division

[Crom Crauch]

President Bush's Adopt a Detainee Program

Dear Liberal:

Thank you for your recent whiney letter criticizing the treatment of the Taliban and El Quieda detainees being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

As part of the Administration's Liberal Re-training Program, you'll be pleased to learn that the Administration has decided to place one detainee under your exclusive care. Your detainee is scheduled to be delivered to your personal residence on Monday. The detainee is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you strongly recommended in your letter of admonishment. It will be necessary that you hire your own caretakers. We will also conduct weekly inspections, of course, to assure that your detainee is actually being cared for in the manner you personally prescribed.

His meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest using menus that do not require utensils. While he does bite, the rabies test were negative, although he does have a bad case of body lice that we haven't completely remedied.

Although he is sociopathic and very psychotic, we do welcome your promised efforts to overcome that "attitudinal problem" with your promised counseling and home schooling.

He's extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or light bulb. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these proficiencies at your next bridge party. He also has the ability to make a variety of lethal bombs from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, notwithstanding that it may conflict with your moral values or disrupt your maid's daily routine.

Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's cage. "Does not play well with others".

Your detainee generally bathes quarterly, with the change of seasons, assuming that it rains, and washes his clothes simultaneously. That should help with your water bill.

You take good care of our detainee now.

George Dubia' B.

[shattered_likeness]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.

They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy slowly regains his breathe and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

[Godslayer Jillian]

I heard an awesome joke:



-How do you call a German Shpeherd with no legs?

-What does it matter? He'll die anyway.

[Solumina]

awwww poor puppy that is so sad

[Godslayer Jillian]

Sad, or sexy?

[Solumina]

well you said it so that automatically makes it sexy

[Godslayer Jillian]

Ok ok, I got another one:

How many Zen Masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two: One to change it and one not to change it.

[Ben Lahnger]

*bump*

because everyone needs a little humor and sex in their lives.

Speaking of which ...

[Magpie_Tendencies]

Here's one someone emailed me:
TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS...

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT."

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

8. You're counting down the days until menopause.

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

[Ben Lahnger]

<bump> ... because I want this where I can find it.

[Haunted House]

I read this on another site.

Q: How many goths does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Rozz to do it first, Valor to do it second and then every other goth on the planet to argue about who did it better.

[maggot]

From http://www.politicalgroundzero.com/f...ead.php?t=2514.


~~~


This is supposedly a true story and I could see it happening.

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.
This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening,
customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February
and March for their annual service charges on her credit card,
and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to Citibank:

*
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division
or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Bank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you -
the part about her being dead?"

Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees
and charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Bank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death.
I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great!
If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Bank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

[Underwater Ophelia]

Bahaha! I love that. I highly doubt it's a true story, though.

[Jarl]

My favorite joke is a hard one to tell in any conventional joke sense...

But a soldier is asked "What did you feel when killing all of those people?" and he replied "Recoil"

._.