Can a Female Be Too Strong?

sadistically_romantic · 03-27-2008, 09:10 PM

My ordeal is I have spent most if not all of my life fending for myself and I learned that I could only trust myself for what I needed. Now that I am older and the tough times are over for now, I've been in a relationship for a while now. He's brought to my attention that I seem to shut him out. I don't want him to buy me things and I am perfectly capable of paying for dates or anything we do together every now and again. Is it wrong of me to feel the need to still keep my guard up ? Or do I need to back down the offensiveness and let the guy in?

Duane · 03-27-2008, 09:26 PM

Hm, actually, they should be stronger, they should... I hate hearing that "Women are weak, you can't hit them, because men are SO strong!"

Johnny Gnar Gnar · 03-27-2008, 09:40 PM

I would just as soon be with a strong, sharp witted, capable of taking care of herself kind of woman. But, that is just me, and I haven't had a relationship worth a damn in a long time.

ionic_angel · 03-27-2008, 09:47 PM

While there is nothing wrong with being "strong", I think you have it confused with not allowing others to show you care and love. I very much doubt that your BF wants to make you weak or anything like that...he merely wants to show you that he cares enough about you to make the sacrifices of paying for meals, and that he loves you enough to put effort into finding gifts for you.

I'd be pretty shattered if a girl I loved refused the effort, thought, and intention I put into buying things for her.

Catch · 03-27-2008, 10:28 PM

Opening up could lead to a better relationship or they may start opening up too. Then you will have hurt him in a way so deep and painful that he will be emotionally scarred for life.

ionic_angel · 03-27-2008, 10:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Catch

Opening up could lead to a better relationship or they may start opening up too. Then you will have hurt him in a way so deep and painful that he will be emotionally scarred for life.

Er...

Either you mean that people opening up to others will lead to life-long hurt, or...

or...

er...

huh?

Johnny Gnar Gnar · 03-27-2008, 10:43 PM

I am confused deeply, as well.

ionic_angel · 03-27-2008, 10:48 PM

Yes. Reading Catch's posts is often, though not always, like sniffing glue: everything goes hazy, you aren't sure of anything, your brain isn't working quite right, and then you throw up.

Well, ok, not the last one.

killer_asian_Dax · 03-27-2008, 10:52 PM

I have that same problem, but am getting better about it. Let him pay for dinner/ buy you gifts once in a while if that's what he wants to do. It's his way of showing you he cares. Not in any way a means to keep you down and make you the "weak female." Believe it or not, some guys really are that nice and just want to show how much they love/appreciate you by little gestures like that.

You won't be any less strong for letting him pay or buy you things. If you do it to much, it can actually start to be insulting and instead of making the relationship better, it can start to damage it. Why create hurt when you don't need to? I know it's gonna be uncomfortable opening up and letting your guard down a bit. It's something that takes time. Don't by any means, force yourself to do it just for the sake of not hurting him. Just explain to him that you'll make an honest effort not to shut him out and that it will take some time. If he loves you and you're that inportant to him, he'll wait.

Good luck with that.

Catch · 03-28-2008, 04:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by killer_asian_Dax

I have that same problem, but am getting better about it. Let him pay for dinner/ buy you gifts once in a while if that's what he wants to do. It's his way of showing you he cares. Not in any way a means to keep you down and make you the "weak female." Believe it or not, some guys really are that nice and just want to show how much they love/appreciate you by little gestures like that.

You won't be any less strong for letting him pay or buy you things. If you do it to much, it can actually start to be insulting and instead of making the relationship better, it can start to damage it. Why create hurt when you don't need to? I know it's gonna be uncomfortable opening up and letting your guard down a bit. It's something that takes time. Don't by any means, force yourself to do it just for the sake of not hurting him. Just explain to him that you'll make an honest effort not to shut him out and that it will take some time. If he loves you and you're that inportant to him, he'll wait.

Good luck with that.

I perfer when the guy pays for dinner.

I was just speaking of everything he is probably hiding. Then when you give him what he wants he tells you about how he has to drink everyday and when you were taking a break and he slept with some of your friends. Yep, perfect fuel for a strong woman to suddenly do something that will be talked about for a long time.

Vexik · 03-28-2008, 06:46 PM

Y'know, I checked out this thread honestly expecting it to be about weightlifting-type strength. I was going to say 'no way,' and then make a joke. Maybe a pun. Oh well.

I consider strength (in this sense) to be an ability to be independent and to handle adversity. If a woman doesn't pay for dinner, I don't see that as strength one way or t'other. On that particular subject, I get annoyed when women don't let me pay for dinner once in a while - I'm traditional enough to enjoy those sorts of things. As KA Dax points out, it's a fond gesture. So no, I don't think a woman can be 'too strong,' but it that strength is displayed in terms of not needing a man, then why would I be with someone who didn't need me?

Also, pretend I put a joke in here.

emeraldlonewoulf · 03-28-2008, 06:51 PM

Sometimes being a strong woman means you LET him be the strong one. But don't let it go to his head

I mean, uhh.....

Stormtrooper of Death · 03-28-2008, 06:56 PM

I prefer strong women. I don't mind being bossed around by one sometimes. I also notices I'm in emeraldlonewoulf's sig! It's the first time this has happened!! Yay!!

emeraldlonewoulf · 03-28-2008, 07:17 PM

I just thought the combination of question and answer were lol worthy, and had to spread the humor. I think I've seen you in a sig somewhere or other before, though.

Stormtrooper of Death · 03-28-2008, 07:21 PM

Do you know we have the same birthday!? I was looking your profile and we have the same birthday!!

korinna5555 · 03-28-2008, 08:08 PM

Does being able to toss around hay bales and bags of grain count as strong? What about playing smear the queer with boys three years older, and kicking their asses? Hmm?

..can you say "tomboy"?

emeraldlonewoulf · 03-28-2008, 08:30 PM

SOD - Same birthday and into cars? What's the odds?

and Korinna, yes, bucking hay counts as being strong. I know a lady who is about 120 lbs. sopping wet that has thrown 100 lb + bales off a truck on a daily basis for a good portion of her life. She's got guts, too, I know grown men a foot taller than her that will back up when she gets mad.

korinna5555 · 03-28-2008, 08:36 PM

I'm a lot like a bear in that I am normally fairly easygoing, but watch out if I'm really pissed.

antreg · 03-29-2008, 03:25 AM

If you like this guy then you should let him in as you put it.There's a diferance between being strong and being cold and mean.If you feel you don't need him for the things you need why keep him around.Take me for example,I'v had to fend for myself all of my life.So for the most part I don't do relationships.As for relationships there a waste of time,nobody is realy who they say they are and it allways ends in pain.So why? I don't get it.I hear so many people saying "I need to find that speacial someone,I want to find love"Love=pain That and the concept of romance is not in our true nature to find food,eat it,crush our enemy's and competision,and fuck as much possible.That and if you don't let him in he will feel hurt and inevitably find somebody else to perform mating and union rituals with.But do consider that I'm not the best person to take advice from.Most of the views I have on things only seem to work for me.

Catch · 03-29-2008, 02:50 PM

I'm not really clear on what, "Strong Woman" means.

blackwater1110 · 03-30-2008, 10:01 AM

Emotionally, being vulnerable can be a form of strength. When you are encouraged to, having the courage to share parts of yourself that may frighten you shows that 1) although you understand the risk of pain involved in doing so, you're willing to take it, and 2) you are not insecure about yourself. Insecurity comes from fear, often irrational; security comes from confidence, a sign of strength. So you would actually be a stronger person opening up than shutting yourself off.
There are two exceptions: one is if you do so too much or when it's inappropriate; then it will come off as clinginess and neediness. Instead of sharing yourself with this person, you are now foisting yourself upon them. The other exception is sharing too much too soon. This is really a delicate balance, because obviously when you first meet someone it doesn't make sense to tell them your life story, but later on if there are parts of yourself that are simply incompatible with this other person, it can suck to share it and get a negative response. Ideally the other person would be open-minded enough that the worst response you could get would be neutral. By then you should have already tested the waters and have an idea of this person's values and ideas, so you should know what you are getting yourself into.

In the gift-giving realm, that's up to you. Some prefer to always split it 50/50, this being an acknowledgment of the other's power and a sign of respect- you're interested in more than being provide for. The traditional response would be that there is no harm in expressing affection for your lady by spoiling her on occasion. There is, of course, a limit to this; if a guy is treating you like a princess and groveling at your feet and buying all sorts of expensive shit, he's probably not doing it because he adores you (though he may think so), but because he's desperate. Most women who I have met who aren't gold diggers say they are offended by this kind of behavior, as it makes them feel like they are being bought.

As for the difference between a Strong Man and a Strong Woman, I think it has to do with the gender role you are looking at would dictate are the traits that each sex should possess. The differences come in the different types of gender roles. The archaically traditional one would say a strong man dominates the household and the public life, and there is no strong woman. The more modern traditional one would say the male is strong by providing for his family, and having the final word on family matters, while the woman is strong by taking care of the home and children. On the other end of the spectrum, an extreme version of feminism would say that women are biologically and socially superior to men, and as the superior sex, should have dominion over all things, and men should only really be around for mating purposes. Believe it or not, I've heard quite a few women take this position, and a couple of guys have espoused some very backwards ideas on the role of women. My feeling is that a better model exists somewhere in between; the sexes should complement, not dominate, each other.

viscus · 03-30-2008, 11:26 PM

Physically? Yes, if it means all kinds of freakishly bulging muscles. I feel the same way about men.

To address what you actually said in your post though, provide for him and let him provide for you. Take care of each other, that's the way to a healthy relationship.

LaBelleDameSansMerci · 03-30-2008, 11:42 PM

I don't know if female body-builders frighten me more than male ones. Women are supposed to have a layer of fat. You can be as strong as you want, as long as you look somewhat soft. I had a co-worker this summer who could lift as much as any of the guys, but she looked very feminine, and not hard and shiny like the women on the body building magazines. *shudders at scary, shiny women*

I agree, though. It takes strength to trust someone.

KontanKarite · 03-30-2008, 11:47 PM

A strong heart can be soft and hard when it knowingly chooses to be.

le_revenant · 03-31-2008, 01:00 PM

Without knowing every last background detail, the fact that you're in a relationship; have been told by your significant other that your behavior is rubbing him the wrong way; and you're willing to do something about it shows you're willing to let him in. That doesn't make you weaker. It would be weak to know you need to change something about yourself but opt not to do anything because to change would be hard.

Still, after spending so much time living one way you can't be expected to do a 180º personality turn on a dime. I'd say keep the lines of communication open & tell him, simply, you're not used to "this" but you're trying to come around. Give him a chance here or there to pick up this tab or do the "gentlemanly" things guys are supposed to do (and which legions of Oprah fans say none of us do).