Insomnia and dwelling in the past...
I now remember why I was looking for a place like this in the first place. I hate being the only one awake. Most nights like this when I can't sleep I just lay awake for hours on end letting my mind drift while staring at the wall.
This is the activity I've been engaging in for the last several hours until inevitably my thought process turned to one of reflection. I don't want some of this stuff in my head so I'm going to put it here.
What started this was recalling that my ex paid me a visit yesterday to inform me she moving out of town and that CPS had taken her 6 year old daughter away and she had finally quit smoking dope. The fucked up part about all of this? I was only surprised about the quit smoking dope part.
Lame that it took such an extreme wake up call. Shitty that after i left that little girl felt that she didn't have a chance at anything worth having in life if she stayed with her mom. I'm so proud of her for that at 6 years old she had the courage to tell her teacher that shit wasn't good at home.
I'm so ashamed of myself for getting so lost while she was in my care...
Have any of you ever watched intervention? I was almost on that fucking show as a concerned family member. Unfortunately I'd already given up on my ex and honestly i had completely forgot I submitted a story to them and was really surprised by the e-mail and phone call....
All I know is it really fucking sucked. I hate that i felt i had no other decision to make except to leave. I'm not a pussy but I didn't really feel safe living in ghetto ass North Salem with someone that was cool with people dropping by at all hours to slam dirt. (shoot heroin) Especially considering the fact that I'm a felon on probation... That's another very long story... Family will fuck you every time! Without the courtesy of a complimentary breakfast and day after pill to boot...
I don't know what the fuck I've been thinking until recently. Basically you know you're in a pretty fucked up situation when you realize that your standards have become so low that within your circle of friends it's reasonable to smoke black every day of the week and meth if it's around...
I spent so much time and effort wanting to help her get clean and she just never wanted it. So much fucked up shit happened it's hard to sort through and make sense of...
I just remember being really down one day. At my wits end and she was ranting that it's not easy to give it up and I don't understand anything about addiction (at this point i was in denial about being an alcoholic; only because i never really gave it much thought!) and that was just the challenge my stupid ass needed to get caught up.
After that everything was perfect. I was on my own cloud and nothing bothered me.
Well almost nothing. When she started getting sick in the mornings (after getting high) we discovered she was pregnant and at this point I said we need to get our shit together and quit so we don't have some retarded dope baby. When she explained to me that she would much rather have an abortion then quit.
I left after a massive fight, the next few weeks consisted of her saying and doing anything and everything to hurt my feelings enough to finally agree to pay for that uh, procedure. It's really awkward to sit in planned parenthood for that. Especially when you're with a really classy girl that decides it would be a terrific idea to bring her 6 year old and new fuck toy or whatever he was aside from painfully ignorant.
Fuck my life. Should have brought a gun. Would have been the perfect place to hand out free mid life abortions. Well that's my rant? I guess lost track of whether or not it makes sense. It's late.
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