Gothic.net News Horror Gothic Lifestyle Fiction Movies Books and Literature Dark TV VIP Horror Professionals Professional Writing Tips Links Gothic Forum




Go Back   Gothic.net Community > Boards > Literature
Register Blogs FAQ Community Calendar Today's Posts Search

Literature Please come visit. People get upset, write poetry about it, and post it here. Sometimes we also talk about books.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 07-26-2010, 09:14 AM   #1
Neslyn
 
Neslyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Under my hat.
Posts: 44
Living A Dream

This is a slightly older poem that I've been debating putting up here for awhile, so I decided to just go ahead and do it. Oh and I don't actually like the title, feel free to help me change the name. Hope you enjoy.



Luna’s dust rains within your magnificent eyes.

And if ever within this ceaseless strain of confusion and struggle there was magic-

It would be the sensation that blankets my heart and warms my spirit when you are near.

How can a creature this incredible exist in a world that is so scandalous?

I drift within a river I’ve never felt before.

This is a place where every dream imaginable has become reality.

No one else matters now.

What an unusual feeling this is.

I never believed before that anyone could touch me in such a way that you have done.

Hours spent thinking of only one person,

so long I could verbalize

about how much I care for you.

So long I could reminisce

about how beautiful the song of your sweet, harmonic voice is.

So long I would shamelessly hold you, feel you, kiss you, and love you.

Admitting everything- how glad I am to know you.

How much I long to feel your gentle caress upon my skin.

I’m living a reality that seemingly for all eternity would remain a dream-

I pray so hard that you will keep me.

I never want to let you go.
Neslyn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-28-2010, 02:14 AM   #2
TheFeatheredÆtheling
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 222
Blog Entries: 6
I like this poem and the way it compares the feelings of love to a mysterious dream. I'm terrible with titles so I can't help you there, but I can give you a bit of technical constructive criticism if you're interested.

Regarding the second line, "And if ever within this ceaseless strain of confusion and struggle there was magic-", I'm not sure if the "ceaseless strain of confusion and struggle" is a reference to your relationship or to the general dificulties of life. You might want to clarify this. If it is a reference to the relationship, these words seem too negative for the subject of this poem.

In the fourth line, "...the sensation that blankets my heart...", I like the verb "blankets" itself, but I think that "moves", "stirs", or something more directly connected to emotions might work a little better here.

In the sixth line, "How can a creature this incredible exist in a world that is so scandalous?", "... a creature this incredible..." sounds a bit trite to me. What about, "How can such a magnficent/splendid/wondrous creature..."? One of these words would probably be a better alternative.

In the tenth line, "What an unusual feeling this is", you might try dropping the last two words "...this is" in order to make it flow more smoothly with the preceding and following lines.

Same with the eleventh; it would be better simply as "I never believed before that anyone could touch me in such a way".

In the lines, "so long I could verbalize - about how much I care for you. - So long I could reminisce - about how beautiful..." try getting rid of both "about"s. Especially, in the first case, this will improve the line.

In the seventeenth line, "...how beautiful the song of your sweet, harmonic voice is". It's a little redundant to use "harmonic" here since the voice has already been compared to a song; what about "sweet, enchanting voice" or "sweet, comforting voice"? Also, this line might flow a little better as "the beautiful song which is your sweet, comforting voice".

In the twentieth line, "How much I long to feel...", because you've used the phrase "So long...." numerous times before in this poem, the verb "long" in this line distracts me; it's the same word but a different meaning, and cosequently it breaks the flow. Instead, you might write, "How I desire to feel your gentle caress upon my skin" or "How I desire the feeling of your gentle...".

In the twenty-second line, "I pray so hard that you will keep me", "so hard" is a bit simplistic. This line would probably sound better by dropping these two words.

And in the last line, "I never want to let you go", there is nothing wrong with this line itself, but it conflicts with the previous line slightly. The previous line suggests how you desire that your beloved keep you (not that you keep your beloved); thus, it would be better to maintain that idea with a line here such as, "I never want to part with you". Or perhaps, you could end the poem with the previous line; I'm rather fond of the word "keep" to mean "to love and take care of". It might be a good way to end the poem after all.

Thanks for posting your poem. I hope that these criticisms are of use to you.
TheFeatheredÆtheling is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-28-2010, 08:20 AM   #3
Neslyn
 
Neslyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Under my hat.
Posts: 44
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheFeatheredÆtheling View Post
If it is a reference to the relationship, these words seem too negative for the subject of this poem.
Erm....oops. I never actually saw that it could be in reference to the relationship. It was supposed to be the world and all of its tragedies.

Wow, I've never gotten this much criticism on any of my poems! Thank you!! *bounces happily*

I knew there were breaks in the flow and I knew there were extra words, I just couldn't figure out how to fix it. ~I actually almost took out the "as you have done" from the poem before I posted it~ but then I decided to leave it in its original form.

*random squee* I think I can rearrange it perfectly with what you've given me here. I'll probably post the edited version after I change the title. Thanks again, this really does help.
Neslyn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-05-2010, 05:04 PM   #4
Darkemostar
 
Darkemostar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 98
I really like it! Good job, Neslyn!
Darkemostar is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-05-2010, 07:24 PM   #5
Neslyn
 
Neslyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Under my hat.
Posts: 44
Thanks! :3

I'm going to re-write it soon...ish. I'll post the new poem in this thread when it's finished, I just need to stop being busy first.
Neslyn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-07-2010, 05:01 PM   #6
Darkemostar
 
Darkemostar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 98
You're welcome, and again I thought that it is a verry beautiful poem!
Darkemostar is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Tags
cute , happiness , love , poem , sweet


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:44 PM.