Selfish Sun

[Sinjob]

Selfish Sun
I remember when the planets were young
Merry go ‘round to a selfish sun
Whose cries shine millions of miles below
We watched it for a little while, hoping he’d explode
But still we rob his rays
As he graces us with each passing day
I’ll thank him when he fades

When will he seclude?
Something tells me it’s soon
Is it the look on your face?
Or those clouds shedding us their gloom
Muffling the cries from his path
Longing to cease his exuberant blast

Yet their presence shifts in daze
Now we can see the that yellow haze
These millions years a mere phase
For we stand in the White Dwarf’s way

He’ll age and grow humble
While our wasted lives tumble
And cities freeze , only to crumble
For his cries are now mumbles

Shining still,
But ever so subtle

[HumanePain]

The astronomer in me likes this little ditty.

[Underwater Ophelia]

I think the idea behind this is neat, but the rhythm is pretty jacked and makes it hard to follow without getting distracted.

[Apathy's_Child]

I have strong reactions to the form of this. I'll get into the content later.

Originally Posted by Sinjob

Selfish Sun
I remember when the planets were young
Merry go ‘round to a selfish sun
Whose cries shine millions of miles below

Something of a nursery rhyme start - I like what you're saying, but not the way you're saying it. It's jarring and the flow manages to be both obvious and annoyingly off-kilter, in a messy, halting way.

Originally Posted by Sinjob

We watched it for a little while [*I'D SUGGEST CUTTING THE WORD "LITTLE" - IT FLOWS BETTER IMO], hoping he’d explode
But still we rob his rays
As he graces us with each passing day
I’ll thank him when he fades

I think that in terms of meter & flow, this is my favorite part. It's musical and natural, without the jarring, self-conscious formalism of the beginning. Really good shit.

Originally Posted by Sinjob

When will he seclude?
Something tells me it’s soon
Is it the look on your face?
Or those clouds shedding us their gloom
Muffling the cries from his path
Longing to cease his exuberant blast

Yet their presence shifts in daze
Now we can see the that yellow haze
These millions years a mere phase
For we stand in the White Dwarf’s way

He’ll age and grow humble
While our wasted lives tumble
And cities freeze , only to crumble
For his cries are now mumbles

I like the brevity of the lines on the white dwarf, and the minimalism around the figure. Didn't like "tumble" at the beginning - too many umbles. I kind of wanna add "apple crumble" after the last line. And tumble isn't a perfect fit anyway - I'd suggest changing that line to break up the rhyme.

"Daze" and "haze" together - sounds cobbled and forced to my ears.

Originally Posted by Sinjob

Shining still,
But ever so subtle

Like the ending, form & content both.

[Sinjob]

Thanks for the comments all, yeah this one is pretty scattered especially with the form and meter. I revised it a bit and hopefully be sending it out along with a shitload of others into a collection and maybe even try for publication in the near future.

[CuckooTuli]

Sorry, don't really have any constructive suggestions on form - poetry isn't really my thing. I enjoyed the content though.