But it wouldn't be amusing if it weren't ironic

Underwater Ophelia · 09-13-2009, 06:58 PM

When I was younger it was different
But lately, just like everyone else I'm just
I'm sick all the time
Can't think or breathe straight
Polite, and I'm real pretty, but I can't sit upright
--I've got shit in my throat

So I'm just sick and everyone else is sick
sneezing in my hair collapsing into the
street like into a bed after work all day I
can't make eye contact without my glasses on.

But you've got them
And you're funny

You hand me my glasses and
while they aren't scratched--
They're wet.

you've got sweat pouring down your
face and you're looking all tired
now.

Underwater Ophelia · 09-15-2009, 12:33 PM

Christ.
Nearly 50 views and NONE OF YOU can say anything about this?

If any of you assholes ever bitch again about how this is "a literary forum" when someone types poorly, I'm taking the fucking gloves off.

Sendo · 09-15-2009, 03:04 PM

Goodness, someone has a temper. Notice how most threads in the forum have twice as many, if not more, views as they do comments. I'll indulge you.

The poem has a lot of telling, leaving the reader to not figure out anything else by themselves. Granted, a poem isn't a puzzle, but it shouldn't spoon feed the reader information. However, the style of the poem and the content are great. Using double dashes is a stylistic choice that effectively ends the first stanza in a way that leaves the reader satisfied. The ending needs something like that, instead of ending on a bland word like "now".

I do like the poem, and when it's polished, I'm sure I'll like it even more.

(Also, the title is fantastic.)

CataclysmKitten · 09-15-2009, 06:15 PM

After reading it over several times, i like it, but it leaves me in a strange position. It seems like someone has hit the pause button and i'm waiting for it to resume.
It has a lot to do with "now" at the end, I assume.

Underwater Ophelia · 09-15-2009, 06:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sendo

Goodness, someone has a temper. Notice how most threads in the forum have twice as many, if not more, views as they do comments. I'll indulge you.

The poem has a lot of telling, leaving the reader to not figure out anything else by themselves. Granted, a poem isn't a puzzle, but it shouldn't spoon feed the reader information. However, the style of the poem and the content are great. Using double dashes is a stylistic choice that effectively ends the first stanza in a way that leaves the reader satisfied. The ending needs something like that, instead of ending on a bland word like "now".

I do like the poem, and when it's polished, I'm sure I'll like it even more.

(Also, the title is fantastic.)

Of course, I'm not looking to tell rather than show.
I'd like to know, though, what did I tell you?

Underwater Ophelia · 09-15-2009, 06:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CataclysmKitten

After reading it over several times, i like it, but it leaves me in a strange position. It seems like someone has hit the pause button and i'm waiting for it to resume.
It has a lot to do with "now" at the end, I assume.

I really really like that it made you feel that way.

CataclysmKitten · 09-15-2009, 06:53 PM

Then you have accomplished what you wanted

Mr E Nigma · 09-15-2009, 07:46 PM

5 lines in...

"really* pretty" maybe?

I'm not sure if that's better sounding than just real pretty, just a personal aesthetic I guess.

I got somewhat of a same feeling as KittyCat. It's sort of like when someone's telling you a story and they stop speaking like they paused and you're thinking, "Okay what's next?" and the person sees your curious face and you snap out of it and say "Oh... no, that's it. That's the end"

Sendo · 09-16-2009, 03:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

Of course, I'm not looking to tell rather than show.
I'd like to know, though, what did I tell you?

You told us the exact turmoil, for example in the first stanza you say "I'm sick all the time". Wouldn't that best be said with an image? Even the last line in that stanza would work, because the reader can see that you're sick from the words. The language you use and the way you use it, such as in the second to last line in that stanza, shows something is wrong without blurting it out in the poem.

Underwater Ophelia · 09-17-2009, 07:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sendo

You told us the exact turmoil, for example in the first stanza you say "I'm sick all the time". Wouldn't that best be said with an image? Even the last line in that stanza would work, because the reader can see that you're sick from the words. The language you use and the way you use it, such as in the second to last line in that stanza, shows something is wrong without blurting it out in the poem.

It's uh...it's not about being literally physically ill...

Still Jack · 09-17-2009, 10:38 PM

I like it.
I'm not really sure if it's meant to, but it gives me the message that a lot of things in your life have become intensely annoying.

Underwater Ophelia · 09-18-2009, 08:54 AM

Hahha, thanks.
And everything is always annoying, haha.

Sendo · 09-18-2009, 04:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

It's uh...it's not about being literally physically ill...

I gathered that, but the image of being sick is thrust at the reader, and that could be done better with an image, scene, or etc.

If you're content with the piece, then don't listen to me, it's just my point of view.