Untitled Poem

NowIReignInBlood · 03-16-2007, 06:57 PM

Here's a poem I wrote back in October of '06. I ask that you at least just tell me if you like it or not, or better yet give a thorough criticism. What are the pros, cons, etc. Thanks.

Clanking footsteps on the brick street
As the quiet town sleeps in the still of the night
A new blood passes through the fog
That cloud up the streets and buildings

The clock strikes twelve at the tower
And so the bell begins to toll
And upon this ringing noise, what is to appear?
A nice, elegant, beautiful young woman

Upon her grace, I fill with lust
And I see her ravenous stare
"What a beautiful soul" I say to myself
As my own begins to tear
The moon shone down upon her beautiful face
I knew that she had to be mine
Nothing could stand in way of our fate
Our eyes in a strong helded bind

I stop in my tracks, to give a quick stare
As she does for me
I open my mouth to speaketh to her
And this i said to thee:
"What beautiful skin, thou art have
So soft and tender I see."
So she opens her mouth and says in reply
"Oh won't thou come with me?"

As she lures me to a church
And into a candlelit room
I am placed on a bed, and vivid she said
"We shall make love under the moon"

We both felt love for one-another
In this room so dimly lit
We stare at each other with eyes of desire
Our hearts so perfectly fit
But in all this happiness
Something went wrong
A bust through the door
...A priest and five others

We are broken apart
The priest gave a glare
He shouts at my love
"How even you dare?"
The priest is her father
We're held back by men
He says that we'll pay
For our evil demonic sins

The townspeople are called together
For the viewing of our death
The priest yells at us "hallowed be thy name"
And then he turned around and left

I look at my love with one last stare
For we know it's the end of us both
I said to her "I love you my dear" with the noose around our necks
While the priest does nothing but boast
Our eyes filled with tears
Our love was abound
A pull of the level
And our feet dangle above the ground

The priest showed no regret
That he had just had his daughter killed
He thought he'd done good
He didn't even pray or kneel

The town went to sleep
As did the priest
He thought we were evil
But he was beast

It wasn't quite over
Revenge would be done
What happened that night
Was oh so much fun

As the priest slept in his bed
So calm, peacefully, and out
I snuck in his room, posessed by my soul
Justice would be done, no doubt

I crept in his room, as quiet as can be
The look on his face, so evil I see
I smothered his face, with a pillow close by
And so this I did to thee...

The town woke up
To a bitter suprise
The priest had to pay
For his misleading lies

People gathered around
In shock of their sight
The church's cross had been turned upside down
With the priest nailed to it...which I had done...

Underwater Ophelia · 03-16-2007, 08:39 PM

First of all, go and make an intro.

Second...this is an okay start. I feel it's WAY too long; you should be able to make it more compact.
I wouldn't use words like "speaketh" either, unless you're writing an entire poem like that, and you have an extremely firm grasp on how it works.
Lastly, the flow was just...odd.

deep insight · 03-17-2007, 01:30 AM

nice love story turn friday the 13th
yet im not a pro
dont like the nailing
but not bad if i do say so

Godslayer Jillian · 03-17-2007, 01:49 AM

I don't see how that would qualify as a poem rather than prose you divided into lines.

NowIReignInBlood · 03-17-2007, 06:31 AM

Eh, idk, I tried. *shrugs*

Godslayer Jillian · 03-17-2007, 12:31 PM

It's ok. I'm not saying it's awful, although it wouldn't be my style of prose in any case.
But this was indeed a honest and nice try; not the 'fuck fuckity fuck im slitting my wrists die die die' kind of 'poetry' I've been seeing lately.
Just remember, a poem doesn't have to rhyme, but it has to have a meter. Other than that, you might just as well make a short story, as you wouldn't be limited to writing in stanzas or anything of the sort.

MollyMac · 03-17-2007, 12:35 PM

'fuck fuckity fuck im slitting my wrists die die die'

.
.
.

.

You should re-write that, don a beret and get thee some bongos, you damned dirty beatnik!!!!!

Seriously, can you envision it?!?!?

HumanePain · 03-17-2007, 01:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MollyMac

You should re-write that, don a beret and get thee some bongos, you damned dirty beatnik!!!!!

Seriously, can you envision it?!?!?

You mean like this?

MollyMac · 03-17-2007, 01:18 PM

Now, why you gotta make me go and pee myself, Willis? Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

I mean, yeah. Pretty much. *snicker*

Godslayer Jillian · 03-17-2007, 01:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HumanePain

You mean like this?

That's awesome! But I was expecting a video XD

Mir · 03-17-2007, 01:58 PM

Awww. HP you are teh r0x0r.

Underwater Ophelia · 03-17-2007, 03:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HumanePain

You mean like this?

I believe a beret was envisioned...heh.

I like how you didn't even bother to take out the white around the bongos, hahaha.

NowIReignInBlood · 03-21-2007, 06:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Godslayer Jillian

It's ok. I'm not saying it's awful, although it wouldn't be my style of prose in any case.
But this was indeed a honest and nice try; not the 'fuck fuckity fuck im slitting my wrists die die die' kind of 'poetry' I've been seeing lately.
Just remember, a poem doesn't have to rhyme, but it has to have a meter. Other than that, you might just as well make a short story, as you wouldn't be limited to writing in stanzas or anything of the sort.

Yeah, I see what you mean. I may try sticking to just short stories. Thanks for the honest opinions.