Once upon a time there was a child.

[Jochon]

Once upon a time there was a child, a sick child. The child had a strange and horrible disease called "caractitus". It was a disease that would slowly decompose the child's limbs, one by one. It would be a terrible and painful process that would last for several years, and there was no cure.

One night the child looked out of the hospital window and saw a shining star out in the deep, dark void that was space. There were many stars on the heavens, but this one was special. The child didn't know why, but it was certain that the star had magical powers. The child decided to make a wish, like in the stories its mother had told it before she died in a car accident. "Twinkle twinkle little star, please cure me of this horrible curse." the child wished, and for some reason, the star began to twinkle, as if it had responded to the child. the child went to sleep, with great hopes for tomorrow.

The next day a man was sitting on the child's hospital bed. It was an elderly gentleman, with silver grey hair, and a thick beard covering half of his face. He was smiling and had the kindest eyes the child had ever seen in its short lifetime, there was something magical about him. The child asked him curiously "Did the little star send you to help me?" the old man didn't answer, instead he put a big bag on the end of the child's bed. It contained strange tools and a purple bottle filled a shimmering liquid. The old man told the child to drink the liquid from the purple bottle and then rest, the old man said he were gonna solve all of the child's problems. The child, believing the old man was sent by the twinkling star, were more than eager enough to drink the entire bottle and lay back, waiting to be cured. The child fell asleep with a smile on its face.

The next day, employees from the nearby Doctor Hagerling's Mental Institution came and collected an escaped patient. The patient, and old smiling gentleman, was being dragged down the hallway by to men dressed in white. The child were lying in its bed, mutilated beyond recognition by some homemade tools, after losing its consciousness from a powerful purple drug called "dratiomine". The dead child had no living family that could grant it a proper burial, and so it was dumped in the city river.

The End

[JCC]

If your story starts with 'Once upon a time' then your story shouldn't exist.

[Jochon]

Don't be a dick, I'm not a proffesional writer.

[TheFeatheredÆtheling]

D@mn... That's a REALLY sad story. It's very rude to ask what the message is behind a work so I won't inquire about what yours is. However, please at least tell me whether or not there is a specific moral to this story?

I'm glad to give you some constructive criticism about your story if you're interested. Overall, I think that this is well-written in spite of a couple of minor grammatical errors (a few verbs in particular). As for the "once upon a time" comment by JCC, I don't completely agree; it's not that simple. This old-fashioned phrase can be used to suggest a faery tale-esque atmosphere, which is sometimes appropriate. However, since it's undoubtedly a cliche phrase, something more creative should be used in most cases. Also, I'm not sure if this phrase fits your story here unless you're trying to be sarcastic or trick the reader into believing that it's going to be a happy story.

Personally, I dislike the use of "it" as a pronoun to refer to the child; this sounds cold and inhumane to me. You might establish the child's gender and use "he" or "she" respectively. On the other hand, considering my impression that your work is a horror story meant to creep the h*ll out of the reader, calling the child "it" may be ideal.

I must admit that this story raises questions about the nature of your mind, but thank you for sharing it anyway. I like stories about mutants, wretches, and outcasts; but I prefer to see them overcome their suffering and find mercy and success in the end. (Read my poem "Darkling" about ten posts down from yours to see what I mean.) Anyway, we've received few original contributions to the literature section recently. You may not be a professional writer, but you're quite capable nonetheless.

[Lady Sorrow]

wow. that was... sorta creepy i wont lie. that was pretty close to some Stephen King stuff. good job.

[Jochon]

To TheFeatheredÆtheling

There is no moral as far as I'm concerned, but I guess the moral could be "Never trust anyone", it's all up for interpretation. That means I'm either lazy or stupid ^^

"Once upon a time" is pretty sarcastic I guess, but when I wrote I was really gonna write a story about a child overcomming a horrible illness against all odds, but then I lost track of myself and ended up writing a more realistic story. That means I ran out of imagination.

I were intentionally using "it" not to specify anything about the child, I wanted the reader to imagine it could be anyone; white, black, boy, or girl, anyone really.

That way you can imagine the child being you at a younger age, one of your siblings, or even your own child, I thought it would help the reader relate to the child and maybe even feel alittle more attached to the character. But to be honest, I've always referred to children as "it" or "that".

I didn't really intend to creep out the reader, I didn't even realize it was a creepy story before people told me, actually.

Yes, my mental condition has been questioned by alot of different people, my mother even had me tested.

I'm actually quite happy with my results, they said that I were more inteligent than most children at my age and that they found no abnormalities in my brain. My father still claims I lied myself through the entire study, but I say a crazy person can't do that ^^


Thank you, I really enjoy getting compliments, especially on my writings, I'll read your poem right away <3

To Lady Sorrow

Yeah I get that alot, thanks for being honest though.

Really?

Stephen King?

I love that writer!

Thanks alot for making my day <3

[Angelic Dissonance]

Just asking-- Is your avatar a guy f**king a tree?

Anyway, very provoking. I think if you fleshed it out, you could submit it to a magazine and become a featured author. Then again, it's obviously meant to be a "SHORT" short story. I liked it, despite it being very disturbing... I've written some very disturbing things myself before, without even trying, just to show off my bombastically pompous vocabulary skills in such a manner as I am no longer sure I am capable of.

I once designed a peice of jewelry, to which I gave the title of the "Morbid Triskelion", a pendant necklace with the triple-flame on one side and a skull upon the other. It symbolised the fact that even without hope life STILL goes on(often leaving the hopeless to their prison-like fate, and failed suicide attempts are a perfect example of this). Your story kind of reminds me of this--but it is one more so of treachery, and the calamities that ensue when one entrusts hope to the imagination(and/or Naivete). I noticed you said,

Originally posted by Jochon
That means I ran out of imagination.

Forgive me for saying so, but it seems Imagination f**ked you over. I hope you can find new hope in it--without being deceived by false hopes.

Or is that all just my imagination?

Nice work, anyway.

[Still Jack]

It's really crudely written. And not in the witty style that is forgivable, such as Bukowski's. It's like a shitty campfire story.

[Jochon]

To Angelic Dissonance

I can tell you that my avatar is me groping a tree, yes.


I wish I had the literary skills to flesh out my stories, I am planning to move to London and study script writing in about 3 years though.

Also, thank you for praise, as you probably already know I'm a sucker for praise, especially about my writings <3


You designed jewelry?

How do you do that?

I love designing stuff, and jewelry is the prettiest thing to design.


Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment, my friend.

The child in the story had great hopes for its own survival, that didn't go to well for it.


I can honestly tell you that my min din general f**ks me over, it's almost as if it's enjoying it..



P.S. How did you make your letters turn red?

It's pretty.

[Jochon]

Originally Posted by Still Jack

It's really crudely written. And not in the witty style that is forgivable, such as Bukowski's. It's like a shitty campfire story.

*sigh*

As I've stated before: Don't be a dick, I'm not a proffesional writer.

[Angelic Dissonance]

Yeh, I know... most people don't seem to care very much for it, but those people aren't very imaginative, now are they? Boring old grey letters.

Just click on the 'A' beside the "B"I U when you go to 'quick reply' at the bottom of the page.

As fo jewelry, I have a way with visions(in general). I get a pretty much complete idea of what I'm thinking of, almost as if it's being shown to me, rather than being created by me. For this pendant, I envisioned a stone. A grey stone, the kind you find laying cold and unknown while walking for no reason, not given a second thought. I, of course, found just such a stone. Then I used whatever rudimentary tools were at my disposal--hammers, screwdrivers, knives, other rocks. It's all about the DIY--Do it yourself.

I'm a sucker for praise, too--I'd like to say we all are. But, some of us aren't in the mood, so whatever.

You're avatar--you, groping a tree? Awesome. It reminds me of Saul of The Mole Men--his father was a rock. LOL or was it his mother?

[Still Jack]

Originally Posted by Jochon

*sigh*

As I've stated before: Don't be a dick, I'm not a proffesional writer.

You post something on the internet. What do you expect? A glass of milk and a cookie? If you post something in the literature forum, don't be surprised if someone offers some constructive criticism.

[Jochon]

Originally Posted by Still Jack

You post something on the internet. What do you expect? A glass of milk and a cookie? If you post something in the literature forum, don't be surprised if someone offers some constructive criticism.

Except that it wasn't very constructive.

Anyways, point taken: The internet sucks.

[Still Jack]

What's nonconstructive about it. Add some wit and try and write less crudely.
Which is pretty much what I said in my first post...

[Angelic Dissonance]

True enough--don't take it personal.
What a 72 x 77 or so picture with a word or phrase above it for a name doesn't amount to much, anyway--but it's easy enough to get offended by something that wasn't meant to be entirely offensive, or even to something that WAS. It's not worth any pain.

Jack's just giving you some advice--and be warned, a few people on this forum aren't as 'constructive' as he's being.

[Jochon]

Originally Posted by Still Jack

What's nonconstructive about it. Add some wit and try and write less crudely.
Which is pretty much what I said in my first post...

Meh, I guess you're right.

I'm no good at wit though, and it's written kinda crudely in some parts to reflect the mind of the child.

Still kinda unfair to compare me to a proffesional writer, wouldn't you say?

[Jochon]

Originally Posted by Angelic Dissonance

True enough--don't take it personal.
What a 72 x 77 or so picture with a word or phrase above it for a name doesn't amount to much, anyway--but it's easy enough to get offended by something that wasn't meant to be entirely offensive, or even to something that WAS. It's not worth any pain.

Jack's just giving you some advice--and be warned, a few people on this forum aren't as 'constructive' as he's being.

Yeah, I know he's right.

It's just that I'm really paranoid, it takes less than a nudge for me to make a mortal enemy

[Angelic Dissonance]

For sure, dude. Maybe there should be a sub-folder--an 'Amatuer' section? HEY ADMIN!!!! What'dya think!?!?

[Jochon]

Originally Posted by Angelic Dissonance

For sure, dude. Maybe there should be a sub-folder--an 'Amatuer' section? HEY ADMIN!!!! What'dya think!?!?

I would like that, I would like that alot.

But it's getting really late, so talk to ya another time, sweet dreams <3

[Angelic Dissonance]

Yep! Goodnight

[TheFeatheredÆtheling]

Jochon, thanks for your answers (and for the record, my mind is unstable as well; I'm constantly teetering back and forth across the brink of madness). I'm sure that most people who post their works here are looking for compliments and constructive criticism. Compliments are encouraging for a writer who is unsure of his own ability, and constructive criticism can be very beneficial, of course. I doubt that anyone (besides a troll) posts something in order to get flamed or simply to take up space and get ignored. You said:

Originally Posted by Jochon

Yeah, I know he's right.

It's just that I'm really paranoid, it takes less than a nudge for me to make a mortal enemy

Be careful, Jochon. Angelic's statement about others being less "constructive" than Still Jack is so true. You cannot afford to take things too personally on gnet. If I may, I'd recommend that you simply consider the constructive criticism that you get here and ignore anything that is blatantly malicious/devisive. Some people just say things in order to get a response from you; stay in control. Take what helps you, and just leave the rest. All in all, a forum such as this can be a valuable tool as a writer because of the wide range of tastes and opinions (for there are some very talented and clever people here) if you can just wade through all the spiteful bullsh!t.

[Xombie]

That was not written very well at all, and the ending was just sort of thrown in there. I pictured you reading the story out loud, and it was as if you needed to finish it really quickly so you just sped through the last few sentences.
Also, if you're going to use "gonna" (the old man said he were gonna solve...), perhaps you could put what he's saying in quotation marks, because I was really thrown off by that.

[ape descendant]

I rather liked it. It played out like a cruel joke.

Any criticism that I would have had for it has already played out.

Here, drink this purple stuff... it will make you better... LOLz!!

[Apathy's_Child]

Dude, you put your shit out there. That's cool. It bombed. That's fine. So now you either suck it up and listen to what people think went wrong with it, or you continue in your current expectation that everyone kowtow to shit they don't think is good. If you can't handle the former, your audience is pretty much limited to your mom.

[gothicusmaximus]

I like that idea that to refrain from beginning a piece of prose with fucking 'once upon a time' is a secret technique known only to 'professional writers'.