Tell me I'm not crazy!

Kristin · 05-14-2008, 01:58 AM

I really need to know. Am I just way too sensitive, or is this out of line? Because my husband just seems to either get his buttons pushed way too easily, or likes to push my buttons, or both. Or I need to know if this is nothing.

So I'm ready to go to bed, and my husband comes in and sits next to me. Things are fine, he doesn't seem to be in a bad mood. I ask him if he could please turn the light on.

Him: So you're just being a lazy bum and can't turn it on yourself?

Me: No, because you're closer to it.

Him: So you're asking me to just do everything for you now?

Me: When am I asking you to do everything? I just wanted you to get the light.

I get up and stomp over to the light myself, then start to get ready for bed.

Him: Why are you being so moody?

Me: I'm not moody, you're pissing me off because that was rude. How would you feel if you asked me to do something simple like turn on the light because I was closer to it, and I accused you of being a lazy bum and asking me to do everything for you? And then I called you moody?

Him: I never called you moody!

ARGH!!!! And he wonders why I never want to have sex with him! And then he does it right before bed, so I get all keyed up and upset, to the point where I can't sleep. Then he gets upset with me for being tired during the day and wanting to sleep all the time.

Tin_Lizzie · 05-14-2008, 02:47 AM

Kristin, you are NOT crazy. Been there, done that... got the counseling.

Next time just ask him, "it feels like you're mad at me about something." Then you can argue about whether he's angry or not. LOL I just saved you the first month's therapy bill. Is there any way to continue this conversation in a more private way? I doubt the kids would want to read about our marital woes.

TopHaggardDoll · 05-14-2008, 02:50 AM

If it upsets you, you need to talk to eachother about it. Communication! It's important.

HumanePain · 05-14-2008, 03:20 AM

You are not crazy, but he sure is being inconsiderate and self centered. He should romance you to get sex, and certainly should pick his battles wisely; not a lamp. Sheesh, I feel sorry for you girl.

Kristin · 05-14-2008, 01:50 PM

THANK you guys! It's so baffling to me, how he can hold his resentment in and then let me have it when I'm not expecting it. I tried talking about it with him during lunch and it just got worse. He thinks I don't do anything, blah blah. Couldn't be further from the truth. I have SIX KIDS. Of course things aren't going to run smoothly all the time. He's lucky he has a wife who still cares about how she looks, and still has her own passions and hobbies. But he doesn't see any of the positive, only what I do wrong.

I've suggested counseling before, and he just clams up and pretends there isn't a problem. Well, I'm just going to go get myself some then, even if it means he'll think I'm going because I'm the one with the problem and will use that against me too.

I'm trying to live my life to please ME now and not others, not to let how he feels affect me anymore, and not to feel like I'm less than zero.

Lizzie, I appreciate that so much. I'll have to figure out how the PM feature works on this site, after I'm back from grocery shopping. LOL

Solumina · 05-14-2008, 02:01 PM

I'm very sorry that he wont go to therapy with you as it seems like there is a good chance that it would help. I am, however, quit glad that you want to go on your own as you therapist should be able to help you come up with ways to get through to your husband and help him to appreciate the things that you do, but in a way that doesn't make him feel like an ass (even if he is being one), because if he feels like an ass he will just get defensive and more obnoxious.

insolitus_noir · 05-14-2008, 02:17 PM

Sorry to hear about your marital troubles. It certainly sounds like there is something simmering beneath the surface. I have no great insight to share, but I do wish you the best in getting all this resolved!

Underwater Ophelia · 05-14-2008, 03:16 PM

It sounds like he's stressed out and it's causing him to be short with you.

At the same time, "stomping" over to the light like a little girl is not going to help the situation.

Kristin · 05-14-2008, 03:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

It sounds like he's stressed out and it's causing him to be short with you.

At the same time, "stomping" over to the light like a little girl is not going to help the situation.

I think that's exactly what it is. I remember when he was still in college, during finals he was an absolute monster to be around. I'd love it if he would talk about what stressing him out, or just go do something constructive to work out the stress, instead of feeling like he has to nitpick me in order to make himself feel better.

LOL Okay, stomping like a little girl wasn't really what I did. I got up, walked around him to turn on the light, then went in to get ready for bed. I didn't want to say anything else to get even further into an argument, and once he saw that I wasn't taking the bait, he followed me and continued pushing me like a little boy to get a reaction.

Underwater Ophelia · 05-14-2008, 04:34 PM

I know this is hard to do when he's behaving badly, but BE PATIENT. Try to talk to him calmly about how you understand that he's stressed, but you two are a team, and you want to help him in any way you can.

Follow through: set up a nice bubble bath for him, cook his favorite dinner, or make it so he can have some alone time to read or do whatever it is he likes to do. Explain to him that you are willing to go out of your way to make him feel better, but snapping at you and acting inconsiderate is NOT acceptable behavior, stressed or not.

Be firm about what you need (kindness), but be generous with your own kindness, and try to understand his feelings of stress.

Kristin · 05-14-2008, 05:13 PM

Ophelia, you sound like my mom, but that's a compliment. My mom's one of the wisest people I've ever met and I would have been a lot better off if I'd listened to her more often.

We talked a little a few minutes ago and will tonight, undoubtedly. We both need to work on things, him on his sensitivity, and me on my oversensitivity (yes, what he said was callous but I usually am oversensitive).

MotherofMercies · 05-14-2008, 05:25 PM

Hello Kristen,

Sorry to hear about the martial woes. I'm not married yet but I am in a long term relationship. Just recently we were having problems. So my BF and I decided on a book. We would write in it as often as possible about our feelings, what we want and expect of each other etc... pretty much anything. Then we would discuss it at the end of the week, or if there needs to be any talk. I know it might seem lame but it does help us.

Underwater Ophelia · 05-14-2008, 05:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kristin

Ophelia, you sound like my mom, but that's a compliment. My mom's one of the wisest people I've ever met and I would have been a lot better off if I'd listened to her more often.

We talked a little a few minutes ago and will tonight, undoubtedly. We both need to work on things, him on his sensitivity, and me on my oversensitivity (yes, what he said was callous but I usually am oversensitive).

Thank you, then, and you sound like you're off to a good start.

Tin_Lizzie · 05-15-2008, 01:00 AM

http://www.drirene.com/

Kristen, I'm just going to pass this url on to you. If it doesn't apply to your situation then feel free to ignore it. If it does and you want to talk to someone, I'll be here for you.

Kristin · 05-15-2008, 05:35 PM

Thanks guys! I do need to join that site. I know he is verbally abusive at times, and that it goes in cycles that will not stop on their own without help. I'm trying to line up help now. The difference between this one, and previous relationships where I left, is that he will recognize (a few days after the fact) and listen, and actively try to change his behavior. But I still have to convince him that we need outside help in order for it to be effective long-term.

Last night we were talking, and he admitted that he doesn't like it when I ask him to do something, because it reminds him of his childhood when his dad would have him "helping," and beat him up either verbally or physically when he didn't do something right. I got through to him that me asking him for a simple favor, vs. his dad being, well the way his dad is, are two vastly different things. I said, "I knew you had issues about that! But you always deny it." He said, "I never said I didn't have issues." Bahah! Actually he denies it right and left when he's upset, but I didn't point that out.

It was a good talk last night. I hope it can continue to be that way.

Solumina · 05-15-2008, 06:07 PM

I think that therapy would really help you guys out, especially since he was verbally and physically abused as a child. I know that you have said that he is resistant to the idea but I'm 100% positive that going by yourself will help you to understand his perspective and help you to more effectively communicate with him. I do wish you two the best and it is a very good sign that after the fact he realizes that he went too far and is willing to at least begin talking about how his abusive relationship with his father is affecting your relationship.

Oh and if there is a money issue you may want to give some though to seeing a clinical social worker instead of a psychologist/psychiatrist as they are well trained in dealing with these kind of problems and don't cost quite so much.

GothicChristian · 05-15-2008, 08:47 PM

Kick him in the shin. It always works for my mom!

GothicChristian · 05-15-2008, 10:45 PM

Gothic Christian' mom here-
Look, as the survivor of physical, mental and sexual abuse here. I understand your husbands behavior , but there's no excuse for him to act that way. Nobody should make anyone feel like less than zero. Unfortunately, that was the way he was taught to react to times of stress or for whatever excuse he has.
He needs counseling but it won't do him any good unless he wants to go . It won't be as effect if he goes during one of the remorseful periods you were describing. ( That is an abusers behavior being remorseful even loving after an attack) Then he's only doing it to appease you or somebody else. He has want to go on his own.
You should get counseling. Don't wait on him. You're starting to sound like a victim ( I am over sensitive, ). When you start saying your behavior is bad that means your excusing his, no excuses for either of you.
I'm not accusing him of being an abuser or you of being a victim but based on your history , what little you gave, the pattern is there. Him getting stressed, taking it out verbally ( I hope it's only verbally) on you making you feel like crap then a period of remorse and all is well for awhile. See the pattern?
In the mean time , don't cut off the sex. To men that's like being punished or saying I don't love you. When he admits to something, don't say I knew wait for him to finish his confessions, don't judge your behavior and it's ok to forgive him as long as it doesn't to out of hand. and yourself. And protect your babies.
Help him to learn to forgive his father and himself , if you can. Letting go of the hate, the anger towards my abusers and the self loathing of myself wasn't easy and neither was learning a whole new way of life but it was well worth it for me and it will be for your family.
Good luck

Kristin · 05-16-2008, 12:40 AM

Solumina, the cost has definitely been prohibitive and the reason I haven't done anything before now. I know some people to talk to about getting started though, plus we're on a new insurance where counseling is partially covered. That's a great change! Knowing him, even if I started going just by myself he'd eventually start to want to go with me, if at first to be nosy. LOL Although I do give him credit for trying. The things we learned from counseling years ago, he still works on. It's what he hasn't learned yet that is still a problem.

GC mom, you're absolutely right about me being stuck in the pattern. I grew up watching my mom stuck in it (which only recently ended with the suicide of my verbally and sometimes physically abusive step-dad), and I learned it. Luckily my husband has never been physically abusive even after a lifetime of watching his own mother being beaten down physically and mentally. He likes to think that he broke the cycle by not ever hitting me or abusing his kids, but it's still there, even in a lessened form. He does know how to make his words hurt.

Anguelon · 05-23-2008, 12:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MotherofMercies

Hello Kristen,

Sorry to hear about the martial woes. I'm not married yet but I am in a long term relationship. Just recently we were having problems. So my BF and I decided on a book. We would write in it as often as possible about our feelings, what we want and expect of each other etc... pretty much anything. Then we would discuss it at the end of the week, or if there needs to be any talk. I know it might seem lame but it does help us.

I certainly like that idea, I'm gonna give it a try with my husband.

Tea and Cake or Death · 05-23-2008, 12:09 PM

Can't it be both? Perhaps he is a bad husband, but also you could be too sensitive to small things. See, it could be a combo.

Yukiko_San · 06-12-2008, 05:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kristin

I really need to know. Am I just way too sensitive, or is this out of line? Because my husband just seems to either get his buttons pushed way too easily, or likes to push my buttons, or both. Or I need to know if this is nothing.

So I'm ready to go to bed, and my husband comes in and sits next to me. Things are fine, he doesn't seem to be in a bad mood. I ask him if he could please turn the light on.

Him: So you're just being a lazy bum and can't turn it on yourself?

Me: No, because you're closer to it.

Him: So you're asking me to just do everything for you now?

Me: When am I asking you to do everything? I just wanted you to get the light.

I get up and stomp over to the light myself, then start to get ready for bed.

Him: Why are you being so moody?

Me: I'm not moody, you're pissing me off because that was rude. How would you feel if you asked me to do something simple like turn on the light because I was closer to it, and I accused you of being a lazy bum and asking me to do everything for you? And then I called you moody?

Him: I never called you moody!

ARGH!!!! And he wonders why I never want to have sex with him! And then he does it right before bed, so I get all keyed up and upset, to the point where I can't sleep. Then he gets upset with me for being tired during the day and wanting to sleep all the time.

It just sounds like you're both stressed and need to talk things out. I know I'm only a "child" in your eyes but it's true. I know, trust me. My parents have separated and told me so many drunken tales to understand these things. You're not being moody, but it's not just one sided also. It's both of you. Just work it out.