Jokes

[HumanePain]

St. Patrick's Day jokes for all of you who are hungover:

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

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Paddy was in New York.

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

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Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

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Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[Shyantra]

Some of those are priceless.

[maggot]

The last one's the best

[MollyMac]

One Gemma used to tell me was about Mrs. O'Malley who showed up to her doctor's appointment with a black eye and bloodied nose. The nurse asked her about ther condition-

"I had an appointment, ye see, to go to the doctor, but they called me before the appointment to request that I bring in a urine sample. I wasn't certain what that was. I hung up and thought for a second, not knowing what a urine sample was. I asked my husband, Mr. O'Malley, "would you be knowin' what a urine sample is?"

"No, I wouldn't. Why don't you go ask Miss Fergus upstairs?" says he

So, I walks upstairs to see Miss fergus, and knocked. Miss Fergus answered, "O, Grace how are ye?"

"OK, Miss Fergus, but I have to go to the doctor shortly and they asked me for a urine sample, would you be knowing what that is?"

"Oh, piss in your cup!"

And I said "Och, well, shit on yer hat- and teh fight was on!!!"

[bleedingheart344]

Some of those were great... Shyantra, get on msn! ><

[james"bloody tears"]

those were great. the one where the guy was hidin under the bed from his wife before he went to the ber was me last night

[Shyantra]

Originally Posted by bleedingheart344

Some of those were great... Shyantra, get on msn! ><

I will be on later. Feel the rejection. Muahahaha!

[Vako]

An Irish blessing

May the cab driver rise to meet you at your doorstep.
May we always be upwind of your breath.
May the streetlights shine upon your ruddy face.
And until we meet again, may you not have to 'talk to Ralph on the big white phone'.


Irish senility prayer

God grant me the senility to forget the people I didn't like, the good fortune to remember the people I did like, and the eyesight to know the difference.