My Date With Death

[Wormboy]

My Date With Death

Midnight company at the door,
Familiar grim I've seen before
To some he's evil, breath so cold
To me he's just a friend of old
Open the door and pour the tea
For Death has come to visit me

Black hands sweeping
Along mother's face
Growing darkness
Consuming with grace

Blood red candles
Burn through night
My date with Death
Such pure delight
We drink the wine
Made of pure fright
Feasting on peoples
Unending Plight
Together we dine
Oh what a sight
Here in darkness
Gone in light

Wind howls at the red moon
My guest shall surely leave here soon
While you hate this ghastly grim
Once he's gone I shall miss him
If you fear one then be it me
For even death may show mercy

So deaden your blasphemy
And spare me your ignominy
Blinded eyes you use to see
The evil that's so dear to me

Blood red candles
Burn through night
My date with Death
Such pure delight
We drink the wine
Made of pure fright
Feasting on peoples
Unending Plight
Together we dine
Oh what a sight
Here in darkness
Gone in light

The sun rose to deprive me
Of my joy and company
But soon you too shall see my friend
And then you'll know your life's to end
Already I know who it shall be
It's a secret Death whispered to me


Blood red candles
Burn through night
My date with Death
Such pure delight
We drink the wine
Made of pure fright
Feasting on peoples
Unending Plight
Together we dine
Oh what a sight
Here in darkness
Gone in light

Together we dine
Oh what a sight
Here in darkness
Gone in light

[Underwater Ophelia]

Not bad, the rhymes are believable. It's too cliche for my tastes, though.

[HumanePain]

You surprise me Wormboy, I did not think you would have such a muse.
I liked this little tale.

[Wormboy]

Originally Posted by HumanePain

You surprise me Wormboy, I did not think you would have such a muse.
I liked this little tale.

I'm never what people think I am
I actually write quite a few poems and to date four short stories. I take pride in my writing ability quite a bit.

[Undead_Stagehand]

Excellent. I noticed similarities to Manson's lyrical style, not that that's necessarily negative, just noticed it is all.

"Wind howls at the red moon
My guest shall surely leave here soon
While you hate this ghastly grim
Once he's gone I shall miss him
If you fear one then be it me
For even death may show mercy"

That's my favourite stanza.

The fact that there are no glaring typos=bonus points in my book.

[Wormboy]

Originally Posted by Undead_Stagehand

Excellent. I noticed similarities to Manson's lyrical style, not that that's necessarily negative, just noticed it is all.

"Wind howls at the red moon
My guest shall surely leave here soon
While you hate this ghastly grim
Once he's gone I shall miss him
If you fear one then be it me
For even death may show mercy"

That's my favourite stanza.

The fact that there are no glaring typos=bonus points in my book.

Marilyn Manson is my Idol, comparing me to him is one of the biggest compliments you can give me, that and saying my hair looks nice, it never does, but I am always fighting with it, so it's nice to have my efforts noticed haha

yeah lyrically I tend to fall between Marilyn Manson and Dani Filth, so it's an interesting mix

[Undead_Stagehand]

You're welcome.

[HellforgedX]

Magnifico.

[Apathy's_Child]

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

Not bad, the rhymes are believable. It's too cliche for my tastes, though.

I agree. It's a decent poem from an amateur POV but there aren't really any original concepts in there.

Also nothing against your poem man, but I'm so fucking sick of poems about the darkness in the soul and cemetaries and stuff in that vein. You won't disturb people by repeating stuff that's been done to death. You need to be original or the strongest emotion you evoke will be boredom.

One technical suggestion - scrap the last four lines. I liked the ending, then another unnecessary four lines took away the impact.

[Katanshin]

Everything's cliché these days, simply because it takes too much effort to break new ground. If I read this sort of thing regularly, I'd have some constructive criticism, but I'm afraid I don't. I applaud anyone creative, however, but I do urge some sense of uniqueness, or at least a desire to be unique...

[Wormboy]

I wrote this for myself, I cared little for evoking emotion for one thing, and for another, I don't write about death to shock people, I write using dark imagery because I LIKE IT. I have a small obsession with darkness and death.

[Katanshin]

You posted it online. Implies critique was welcome. In future if you're going to get defensive over some innocuous comments, stick your poems on a private blog somewhere for your eyes only?

Great. Obsession with death. You and every other member here. :P

[Wormboy]

Originally Posted by Katanshin

You posted it online. Implies critique was welcome. In future if you're going to get defensive over some innocuous comments, stick your poems on a private blog somewhere for your eyes only?

Great. Obsession with death. You and every other member here. :P

again, as i said earlier, i thought maybe other people would like to read it, i dont care if you criticize, just dont tell me i asked you to

[Apathy's_Child]

Originally Posted by Wormboy

I wrote this for myself, I cared little for evoking emotion for one thing, and for another, I don't write about death to shock people, I write using dark imagery because I LIKE IT. I have a small obsession with darkness and death.

Oh, well if you don't care about writing good poetry, originality, or evoking emotion, then carry on. Long as you're amusing yourself.

[Wormboy]

Originally Posted by Apathy's_Child

Oh, well if you don't care about writing good poetry, originality, or evoking emotion, then carry on. Long as you're amusing yourself.

As I shall

one question though, why would I listen to other people about advice on originality, seems kind of contradictory, dont you think?

[Apathy's_Child]

Sure. But I'm not telling you what to write. Just critquing what you DID write. You're welcome to ignore it. I can't tell you what to write but I CAN tell you if what you wrote sounds familiar.