Thank You (poem)

GothGarl · 03-29-2007, 01:47 PM

This is a poem I wrote, I think it's the best poem I've written so far. I never really slit my wrist before, although I thought of doing so a few times. I wrote this based on how I felt at the time, and by channeling feelings I thought others can relate to. Please, if you read it let me know what you think of it.

Thank You

My wrists are bleeding
My life is draining

This fucking shit was elevating
And I just couldn’t take it
Tired of the pain
Tired of the empty beliefs
And the broken promises
I slit my wrists

Yeah! Not one but both
‘Cause my life’s fucked up
Slitting one wrist doesn’t quite cover it
So I slit both

Thanks to you, and you, and you
This is how my life ends
On the bathroom floor
Behind a locked door
In a pool of blood

Well don’t feel bad
Look at it this way
At least it’s my blood
And no one else’s
Not yours, or yours, or yours
Yeah
But I’m sure you already thought of it that way
I’m sure that’s what you’ll tell yourself at night to help you sleep
That I took my own life
And you’ll feel sorry for me

But the truth is
It’s you, and you, and you
That killed me
You and your antics
And you and your betrayals
And you and your neglect
You killed me!
You sucked slowly out of me
The hope, the dreams, the happiness
That I held deep within
Leaving me with nothing more than pain and fear
And death
Leaving me to be my own demise

It’s because of you I slit my wrists
Not one but both
It’s because of you I’m dead
But hey!
Look at it this way
Its better that I’m the one dead
And not you
RIGHT!

Well then
The least you can do
Is say THANK YOU
For I took my life
Instead of yours

Draconysius · 03-29-2007, 02:47 PM

We are SO impressed (that's sarcasm). Look, everyone has rough times and some people really do cut themselves as a remedy for pain, but if you're trying to be more "goth" by writing poetry about cutting, it's not working, hon. It's been done to hell and back again, six-hundred-sixty-seven times.

HumanePain · 03-29-2007, 05:13 PM

And Garly, you should properly introduce yourself in the Introduction thread.
Answer these questions then go to Introductions, click on "newthread" and post your answers there. Everyone does it.

https://www.gothic.net/boards/showthread.php?t=1644

Vyvian Blackthorne · 03-29-2007, 05:19 PM

If it were such a case, trying to test a skill of writing gothness, I'd reccomend increasing the described imagery and philosophical uses. I like the theme, though the overall outlook looks like some MTV afterschool narrative then a goth poem. So I'd say increase the melodrama naturally and the moods of darkness and sorrow, rather than anger. If so, use metaphors and such to proclaim your anger-rather than saying "Fuck you my life is over". And yeah, post an intro. Sorry to be whorish.

GothGarl · 03-29-2007, 05:25 PM

I wasn't trying to b more goth, all I did was write my thoughts at dat time, just release some anger and pain. Writting is my remedy. Keeps me from cutting.

Anyway, what is your definition of goth Draconysius?

MollyMac · 03-29-2007, 05:27 PM

Write away, by all means, but a word of advice:

If you are going to post something, especially in the Lit forum, please spell check and use proper grammar. Also, be polite and introduce yourself in the intro forum.

GothGarl · 03-29-2007, 05:36 PM

My bad about the spelling, english is my second language, which is why I don't have much imagery and philosophical uses in it but I am working on it.

MollyMac · 03-29-2007, 05:39 PM

Hey, that's cool... maybe write it out in your native tongue and leave us to translate it (I like the challenge), or else write the poem in your language and a small blurb about the point of it.

maggot · 03-29-2007, 05:40 PM

Philosophy has nothing to do with language >.>

Vyvian Blackthorne · 03-29-2007, 05:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GothGarl

I wasn't trying to b more goth, all I did was write my thoughts at dat time, just release some anger and pain. Writting is my remedy. Keeps me from cutting.

Anyway, what is your definition of goth Draconysius?

Alright then, that says alot. Draconysius's definition of goth goes toward the original and old school music and concept of beauty-he has a disliking to how "POSEURS" mistake goth for being and what is has become. Apparently he's mistaken you in that cult, he does that alot. It may or may not be anything personal.

MollyMac · 03-29-2007, 06:18 PM

Philosophy has little to do with language, save that some specific phrases do not translate well or lose meaning in poor translations. (Rather, said applies to art history, and most likely has overlap in philosophy)

Godslayer Jillian · 03-29-2007, 06:22 PM

This will sound awful mean, but that's the best poem you could write?
There's nothing poetic about slitting wrists.
It's horrid, because there never was anything poetic to it, yet it has become so common it's not only awful, but trite.
As MollyMac said, by all means write.
But I add something else:
By no means believe writing in broken lines immediately makes something Poetry, because this is a clear example that it makes it not.

james"bloody tears" · 03-29-2007, 08:53 PM

it nice. could use more depth but nice.

Draconysius · 03-29-2007, 09:53 PM

I could be jumping to conclusions about you being a baby bat, but coming across so many, it's hard to let my guard down. Nevertheless, goth is a musical genre, and goths listen to goth music. They don't have to listen to it all the time; they just need to have a great love for it. I'm talking about the goth subculture that came out of punk in '79 and was more akin to a slower, more serious version of punk. Some essential gth bands are: Bauhaus, Siouxsie and the Banshees, (early) the Cure, Sex Gang Children, and Ausgang. Bands like HIM, AFI, My Chemical Romance, Panic at the Disco, Evanescence, Slipknot, etc. are NOT goth. I'm done for now.

Underwater Ophelia · 03-30-2007, 07:52 AM

First of all, cut the shit outta this poem. Take it apart, and take out everything that doesn't add something essential. Then, try to use more things to generate a feeling of hopelessness or anger, don't just say, "I was so mad I cut my wrists!" No. That type of thing is not even bad poetry, it's not poetry at all.

And as has been said, English being your second language has NOHTING to do with the things that are wrong with this poem.

vehemently · 03-30-2007, 08:04 AM

Whats your first language then?

I kind of, don't believe you. :/

GothGarl · 03-30-2007, 12:56 PM

My first language is French. However, I write better in english than in french.

DarkHeartedDemoness · 03-30-2007, 01:12 PM

Bien sur, tu es francophone? C'est chouette! Je voudrais que vous ecrivez en Francais un peu, parce que du temps en temps quand on ecrit en une langue secondaire, les résultats sont un peu juvénile.

GothGarl · 03-30-2007, 01:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Draconysius

I could be jumping to conclusions about you being a baby bat, but coming across so many, it's hard to let my guard down. Nevertheless, goth is a musical genre, and goths listen to goth music. They don't have to listen to it all the time; they just need to have a great love for it. I'm talking about the goth subculture that came out of punk in '79 and was more akin to a slower, more serious version of punk. Some essential gth bands are: Bauhaus, Siouxsie and the Banshees, (early) the Cure, Sex Gang Children, and Ausgang. Bands like HIM, AFI, My Chemical Romance, Panic at the Disco, Evanescence, Slipknot, etc. are NOT goth. I'm done for now.

What do you mean by "baby bat"?

GothGarl · 03-30-2007, 01:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DarkHeartedDemoness

Bien sur, tu es francophone? C'est chouette! Je voudrais que vous ecrivez en Francais un peu, parce que du temps en temps quand on ecrit en une langue secondaire, les résultats sont un peu juvénile.

Tout le monde trouve que c’est chouette, mais ça m’énerve. Je parle français mais je ne peux pas l’écrire proprement. Alors c’est embarrassent puisque c’est ma première langue.

DarkHeartedDemoness · 03-30-2007, 01:55 PM

Yeah, but there are connotations attached to words that you, as a native french speaker, may not get. For instance, if I say "amateur", you maybe don't see that it not only means someone who is inexperienced but it also implies that the person who is described as an amateur is held in low regard for shoddy work. I'm not sure if that particular example holds true for you, but I'm sure you understand my meaning.

By the way, how was my French? I haven't spoken French in like 2-3 years now, so I hope it wasn't too terrible.

DarkHeartedDemoness · 03-30-2007, 02:07 PM

To better explain my meaning, here's my attempt at a French poem. This is not meant to mock you, by the way.

La chatte belle,
Elle promenade.

Sur les ecoles et les universites, les colleges aussi.
Sur la boulangerie,
Sur la banque, le commissariat de police,
Et la glace.

Quand elle etait jeune,
Elle avait promenadé tout les temps.
Maintenant, elle es fatiguée.

La belle chatte qui promenade
Est tres vielle.

A bientot, elle va mourire.

Ok, subject matter was a little silly, but you can see how I missed a great deal of inflections, connotations, and other great literary devices, right? And that's not from lack of effort, I promise.

GothGarl · 03-30-2007, 02:45 PM

Yeah, I get it. Your poem isn't bad though.

DarkHeartedDemoness · 03-30-2007, 03:10 PM

Pleeeeeease don't think I was mocking you. I really wasn't.

I'd love to help you go over some of your stuff (preferably with less clichéd subject matter) and pick out what's worth saving and what isn't. Only if you're up for it, though.

GothGarl · 03-30-2007, 05:46 PM

Sounds good to me but I truly dont think there's much worth saving.