Really Messed Up

Pancakes of Doom · 06-12-2007, 08:03 PM

Alright, here's the story:

My parents are split up, and I live with my dad; more because I like the area/people around here than preference of parent. The only problem that really comes from this is the fact that my father and I don't get along due to his inability to face problems. Ever since my mom left that has slowly been destroying my relationship with my father.

Today all of that culminated to a peak when I tried to talk to him about it. I tried to talk to him for a few minutes which led to him being "fed up with this shit" and leaving for around five hours to "find somewhere else to stay." The only thing he said to me after he came back was that he was out looking for a place to stay, and that if he left I would "never find him."

My choices are pretty much to either go live with my mom in Philly, or to stay with my aunt who lives nearby. I'm probably going to stay with my aunt because she lives pretty close-by; and because I've already talked to her about it, and have been offered a room. I'm trying not to stay with my mother if I can because her and my sister are in a bad financial situation, and my coming to stay there wouldn't exactly help either of us.

I feel like its my fault a little bit for not being who my father wants me to be. I also feel guilty about having to interrupt the lives of other people just so that I can have a place to stay. To me, this whole situation is really messed up; and what I really need now is some advice. So, does anybody have any to give?

MollyMac · 06-12-2007, 08:09 PM

I am afraid that I won't be of much real help; but you should nto stay in a situation where the relationship is dissolving to this degree. Living with your father is not acceptable as it is an instability. This is not your fault.

I will not say "try harder" to get along with him as I am taking it on good faith that you are trying... but you cannot force something against the grain for too long, else it will break.

Living with your aunt, at least for the short term, will give you and your dad a breather. And with some time and distance, maybe the two of you can come to a better understanding and conclusion. Also, since you will be under two different roofs, some of tha tension will ease so you can focus on the real issues.

Maybe they can be resolved, maybe not.

As long as your aunt is willing, take her up on it. But return the kindness

This is not your fault. Sometimes, parents and their kids just don't get along. It is not a lack of love, just a personality conflict. It happens.

HumanePain · 06-12-2007, 08:12 PM

Your parents split is NOT YOUR FAULT. If anything, your "really messed up" time you are experiencing is their fault.

Now having said that, I think you are very noble to not want to "add a burden" to your mother and sister, but if they love you and you love them, then why not enjoy some family togetherness even if it doesn't include your dad? When my parents split I was 17. It was rough for my mother and sister too (she is 4 years younger than I), but we were happy to at least have SOME part of the family still together with the three of us.

But then, you are a young man too, and perhaps being with your aunt will provide you with more freedom to make your own stand. In both cases, I advise leaving your dad.

Please let us know what you decide and where you end up. If you don't, I'll always wonder what happened to you!

Minyaliel · 06-12-2007, 08:17 PM

Pardon me for saying so, but your father behaves like I did during my worst teen rebellion phase.

I face pretty similar problems with my mother, and the only thing I can advice you to do is either continue to tiptoe around the house and try to please'im or get out of there as soon as you can. I'm going for the second option myself, but I won't advice you to do anything; this is something you need to figure out on your own. I just want you to know that it isn't your fault, there's nothing wrong with you, and so you should not feel guilty about it. You're the one who is trying to handle this in a mature way.

Aaroneet · 06-13-2007, 06:13 AM

This is only natural when a father and a mother split. Of course the child is going to feel as if he or she is imposing upon others when he or she has to keep changing his or her life, vary his or her surroundings. Man is a creature that fears change to an extent; find a stable surrounding, then let things mellow out for a bit. But now is definitely not the time to start arguements with your parents.

Pancakes of Doom · 06-13-2007, 07:24 AM

As of right now, I'm going to have to stay at home until at least the weekend. After that I'm going to be staying with my aunt for about two weeks or so; then I'm going up to Philly to stay with my mom and sister for the rest of the summer. When that's over with, I'm probably going to end up staying with my aunt so I can still live around here.

Regardless, I'll try and keep everyone posted on what's going on. Also, thanks for your kindness everyone who's posted so far.

Valerius · 06-13-2007, 08:07 AM

Just hang in there, because you should know that no matter how bad it gets people will still love you.

Drake Dun · 06-13-2007, 08:22 AM

Good luck. It's obvious that you are thinking about these problems and making an effort to come up with a solution that works for you, without fucking up anybody else's life. I would be surprised to find out that your not being who your father wants you to be is in any way blameworthy.

I get the sense that your character includes a good alloy of strength and compassion. I think you'll be alright.

Drake

biohazard · 06-14-2007, 10:20 AM

Well if I were you I would first try to reason with my father once more. And do you know why he does not like you? If there is something specific, you could try to change that. Otherwise, speak to your aunt once more, and see if she lets you stay with her.

prophecyofdoom · 06-14-2007, 07:22 PM

Perhaps some time apart will improve your relationship with your father a bit, my relationship with my mother improved considerably once I didn't live with her anymore. She also won't "face problems", will never admit she's ever done anything wrong, has never apologised. Denial is what works for my family, I gave up trying to change things and joined her in pretending nothing was wrong, in order to have some semblance of a relationship with her. I would advise you to not give up on having a relationship with your father, but try to accept him as he is, just as you want him to accept you as you are... The older you get the more you treasure relationships with family members, however flawed they may be.

Senor_Sadomachism · 06-18-2007, 12:56 AM

When this happened to me, I was depressed about it too. And then I realized that I'm not my dads wife and I'm not my moms husband. So I can't do anything about it. *sounded a bit weird* My brother and I turned out ok, it was a new beginning for us. Each weekend we get to go see her, which is a bonus since half the street is filled with family members. Also makes parties fun. Visit your mom if you can, tell her you love her and make her feel happy. Also do what MollyMac said, return the kindness* Do the dishes, clean around

I really think that there are positive outcomes of your parents divorce, there should be! You'll get to spend more time with your aunt, unless you see her on a daily basis since she lives close by. Don't forget no ones perfect.

Dancing_in_rain · 06-18-2007, 10:20 AM

It's not your fault. Don't feel guilty about what has happened. Good luck sweetheart. *cyber hugs*