New Joke thread

[MrMaelstrom]

I always loved that one...

[MrMaelstrom]

This weeks Popbitch UK:


>> Hang up your mic, Madonna <<
Gwen has Madge running scared

Madonna has recorded a new single, Hung Up,
She played it to a friend recently who said,
"Its quite Gwen Stefani isn't it?"

Madonna's reply? "That cunt's been stealing
from me for the last ten years so I thought
it was about time I paid her back".

Sadly her reply is better than the record.
Hung Up is less Gwen Stefani, more
Dannii Minogue.

FYI: Staff at Warner Records in London have
a new nickname for Madge: "Oldfrapp".


-----------------------------------------------------
A woman at Dior who dressed Pete Doherty for a
shoot says Pete claims he and Kate Moss got
married in New York.


Nice to see McFly naming their new album, Wonderland,
after an infamous British paedophile ring.

>> Drug fashion update <<
Achieve sexual healing with “Marvin K”

Back in 2004 the drug connoisseur's cocktail
of choice was CK1 - two parts cocaine, mixed
with one part ketamine.

That’s so over now: discerning drug hoovers
are now choosing Marvin K. To make one
yourself: mix two parts MDMA powder to one
part ketamine. Snort through rolled banknote
or pass around your mates on the end of a
key. Repeat, while listening to repetitive,
thudding music.


>> Big Question <<
What people are asking this week

This American film actress likes to spend
much of her time in UK - but doesn't know
her husband is shagging half of London
behind her back. A conquest claims that
as he climaxed he once shouted, "I love
you, my dick love you, I wish I could
rip my dick off and give it to you."


-----------------------------------------------------
The first good reason to get pregnant? US hospitals
have started using hillbilly heroin (Oxycontin) in
caesareans (to help pop out the afterbirth).
-----------------------------------------------------


>> Pat The Twat <<
It was the lesbians what done it

Is George Bush's negligence at all to blame
for the Hurricane Katrina debacle? Not if
you ask one of Bush's richest religious
conservative backers, the Rev Pat Robertson.
According to Robertson, it's all the fault
of... lesbians.

"This is the second time in a row that God has
invoked a disaster shortly before lesbian
Ellen Degeneres hosted the Emmy Awards," said
Pat. "Is it any surprise that the Almighty
chose to strike at Miss Degeneres' hometown?
... God already allows one awards show to
promote the homosexual agenda. But clearly
He will not tolerate such sinful behavior to
spread beyond the Tonys."

The loon also claims that it's no coincidence
that the Iraq insurgency started in September
2003. It's because Ellen's TV talk show
started that month.

Robertson tried to get elected President
in 1988. He said he'd only stand against
George Bush Snr if three million people
signed up to back his bid. Rather
disturbingly, they did.

More insanity:
http://www.patrobertson.com/




-----------------------------------------------------
A restaurant in China that advertised illegal
tiger meat dishes was found instead to be
selling donkey flesh marinated in tiger urine.
-----------------------------------------------------


>> Load of Cox <<
Rugby players DJ at Manumission

Leeds amateur Rugby League team, The Queens,
recently went on a team-bonding break to Ibiza
They were queuing for Manumission when one of
the forwards was mistaken for DJ Carl Cox.
Ten minutes later they were all in the
VIP area drinking free champagne.

By 3am the group was still in the VIP lounge.
Staff came over to ask Carl to DJ, saying "Look
lads, you have done in a few grand of free
booze... come on Carl, give us half an hour".

Introduced as special guest Carl Cox, the
rugby player went up to the decks, turned
every dial he can see up to the maximum...
and started shouting "We are Queens, We are
Queens." At this point, the Manumission
team started to think that perhaps this
wasn't Carl Cox after all...


-----------------------------------------------------
A London taxi driver revealed he gave Saskia and
Maxwell BB6 a lift the other day. They asked for a
receipt for a hundred pounds on a forty quid fare.
-----------------------------------------------------


>> What's New Pussycat? <<
Tori wishes she was hot like the Dolls

This week's number one, Don't Cha, was written
and originally performed by US rap artist
Tori Alamaze. The track came out on promo on
Universal earlier this year, but Tori was
quietly shelved when the label decided she
wasn't cute enough. Enter LA dance troupe
Pussycat Dolls, who have been trying to make it
in the music industry for years despite the
fact that only one can sing.

So, while the Dolls tour the world, next
week Tori plays Joey Harrison's surfclub,
Ortley Beach, New Jersey. But, at least
she's probably making a fortune in royalties.

Listen:
http://mp3.juno.co.uk/MP3/SF171092-01-02-01.mp3

Photo:
http://www.ozonemag.com/dec2004/text-pw.html


-----------------------------------------------------
Our favourite LA interior designer Bobby Trendy held
a Hurricane Relief party last week, featuring "a
special appearance by victims of the tragedy". Classy
-----------------------------------------------------


>> Otter Bastard <<
Edal eats Nutkins' fingers

The winner of a recent Popbitch vote for
the “Hardest Otter Ever” is Edal, the otter
who bit off two of TV naturalist Terry
Nutkins‘ fingers.

One week before the accident took place,
Edal had taken a severe dislike to a
visiting lady zoo-keeper. Before she left, the
woman gave Nutkins her sweater. The first
time he wore it Edal attacked him. "I just
remember Edal going beserk," recalls
Nutkins. "All I could think to do was get
her to the door, throw her outside and
slam the door shut quickly.

"Unfortunately, by the time I reached the
door she had chewed right through my finger,
and as I launched her she twisted in the air
and managed to nip most of another finger
off the other hand."


-----------------------------------------------------
The good news: only two animals at New Orleans Zoo
died in the hurricane.
The bad news: they were otters.
-----------------------------------------------------


>> Things that make you go hmmm <<
Bobo the chimp, Jamie Cullum, bunnies

Robbie Williams' says his new single
Trippin' is inspired by The Clash.
We say its Bob Marley crossed with
Dr Phil. What do you think? Email
hello@popbitch.com. Listen here.
Go to "music" and click on "inspired":
http://www.whatsyourfuture.com/

That weirdo from Sydney who fucked 18
rabbits to death claims he was once voted
bachelor of the year by Marie Claire
(which says it runs no such competition)
and sponsors eight children in Guatemala.
(Thanks to the hundreds of Australian
readers who emailed to say he wasn't an
Aussie, but originally from New Zealand).

"We'll take the Ashes, You pull the pints",
t-shirts on sale now!
http://www.teefly.com

Jamie Cullum has a new single out next week,
and a new album, Catching Tales, the week after.
His online game is strangely addictive and
perfect for bored office moments - stop the
animals jumping on his piano...
http://www.hyperlaunch.com/jamiecullum/catchtails/

More on Bobo the smoking chimp. Turns out
he was most likely a she, and the prolapse
was actually her sexually excited vulva:
http://www.arkive.org/species/GES/ma...ml?size=medium

You can buy the Soviet space monkey's pants
on ebay:
http://www.boingboing.net/2005/09/14...e_monkey_.html

Poor Roy from Siegfriend and Roy. Not only
did his favourite elephant die last week,
but so did his favourite doctor. According
to Roy in June, Dr Scheller was his last hope.


>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries for 18th September 2005

++ Number One
PUSSYCAT DOLLS Don't Cha

++ Top Ten
SEAN PAUL We Be Burnin'
BON JOVI Have A Nice Day
STATUS QUO The Party Ain't Over Yet
HIM Wings Of A Butterfly

++ Top Twenty
50 CENT Outta Control
JAMESY P Nookie
THE SUBWAYS With You

++ Top Forty
DEAD 60S Riot Radio
JEM Wish I
DOVES Sky Starts Falling
KANO Nite Nite
TONY YAYO Ft 50 CENT So Seductive


>> End Bit <<
Help Popbitch!

* Email stories, gossip: hello@popbitch.com

* Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd.

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* Mail by aysabtu

* No, you didn't miss issue 270. But we
inadvertently did two issue 262s. So there.




Old Jokes Home
Q: Who was the last to fuck the Aussies and
bring back the Ashes?
A: Paula Yates.

Still Bored?
What to get a computer geek who loves porn:
http://www.homemade-sex-toys.com/case/

[Empty_Purple_Stars]

Dude,

Go to the last link in your post, the one for the computer geek who loves P0rn, click on it then click on " I Heart my Toothbrush" when the page opens.

Omfg..

That beats brushing my teeth in the morning all to HELL!!

[MrMaelstrom]

Oh dear....

Note to one-night-standers:

-bring your own toothbrush, guys (unless you already went down on the muffin, that is), or bring fresh batteries.

[Empty_Purple_Stars]

I'll never ever ever ever EVER look at the Hellspawns electric Spiderman toothbrushes the same way again..

[1TOOMANY]

A pirate walks in a bar with a steering wheel stuffed down his pants. A guy at the bar asks the pirate, Why in the world do you have a steering wheel stuffed in your pants?






The pirate says, ARRRRRRRRRRRR it's drivin me nuts!


I know, I know

[Courtenay1218]

okay...

3 blondes were on an island. "How are we gonna get off", they all cried. They started looking around, when they found a bottle on the beach. They picked it up and one of them started cleaning it, when out popped a Genie. "Thank you very much ladies for releasing me from that bottle. As a sign of gratitude, I will grant you all one wish each." Wow said the girls. The first one sat and thought for a minute, and she wished to be a brunette. *POOF!* She was a brunette, and she jumped in the water and swam away.... The second wished to be a redhead, and *POOF*.. she built a raft and floated away. Now the third was left all alone, and she sat and thought for a good ten minutes or so... "Okay," she said. "I have it!...I wish to be a man"... *POOF* She was a man, and she turned around and walked over the bridge.



Okay what do you call the hair between an old lady's boobs???


Pussy!

[punkirony]

What is it called when two lesbian lovers are both on their period?











Fingerpainting!


Jeez...I don't even like that joke.

[1TOOMANY]

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

[MrMaelstrom]

Donald Rumsfeld is briefing the President,
"Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed.
"OH NO!" cries the President, "...but how many is a brazillion?"

[tiffany_the_writer]

^^^^ Hilarious!

[winged_dreams]

*is amused*

[Empty_Purple_Stars]

Yeah..That was pretty friggin funny..

Of course Roadkill would probably amuse me right now, but thats another story..

[MrMaelstrom]

It ain't a joke, but it's funny anyway:


>> Dear Drunk <<
Saluting the late, great Richard Harris (Original Dumbledore - for the young ones here)

One of the few drinkers who could keep up with George Best (one of the best strikers in football [soccer] history; also a heavy drinker, recently deceased) was Richard Harris
Back in the 80s, Harris was starring in a
play at the London Palladium. During the day
he spent most of his time getting drunk
in Soho. One afternoon he got chatting to a
beautiful blonde. Harris explained he was
in a play, and that she had to see it. He
then got a friend to run round to the
theatre and get him two comp tickets.

Many hours later, Harris and the blonde
were hammered. He reached in to his pocket,
finds the tickets and takes the blonde to
the theatre. They take their seats. About
10 minutes in to the play, Harris suddenly
stands up, loudly exclaiming "Oh fuck,
I'm in this! And runs off backstage to
get changed.



From this weeks POPBITCH

[MrMaelstrom]

Pay tribute to J. Grant, THE MAN!!!!!

http://flem.keenspace.com/

[insane_lover44]

i saw this on the internet one day:


a male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

man: what's the problem officer?

cop: you were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

man: no sir, i was going 65.

wife: oh harry. you were going 80.

(man gives his wife a dirty look.)

cop: i'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

man: broken tail light? i didn't know about a broken tail light!

wife: oh harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.

(man gives his wife a dirty look.)

cop: i'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

man: oh, i just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

wife: oh harry, you never wear your seat belt.

man: shut your mouth, woman!

cop: ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

wife: no, only when he's drunk.

--------------------

dumb law in houston, texas:

beer may not be purchased after midnight on a sunday, but it may be purchased on monday.

[MrMaelstrom]

from popbitch.com:

>> Money for morons <<
Lucky winners in court this year

The Stella Awards are named after 81-year old
Stella Liebeck... who spilled coffee on herself
and successfully sued McDonald's for millions.

This years runners up are:
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas. Won
$14,500 after being bitten on the arse by his
neighbour's beagle. Mr Williams was shooting it
repeatedly with a pellet gun at the time.

Amber Carson was paid $113,500 by a Philadelphia
restaurant after she broke her back from slipping
on a soft drink... which she had just thrown at
her boyfriend.

Kara Walton of Delaware sued a nightclub and
won $12,000 after falling from a bathroom window
and knocking out her two front teeth. This
occurred while Ms Walton was trying to sneak
through the window in the ladies room to avoid
paying the $3.50 cover charge.

But the winner is:
Mrs Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma who purchased a
brand new 32-foot Winnebago. On her first trip,
she drove on the freeway, set the cruise control
at 70 mph and went out back to make a sandwich.
She crashed. Then sued for the manual not
advising her not to do this.

The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor
home. The company then changed their manuals
on the basis of this suit.




Old Jokes Home:
Three men die on Christmas Eve and are met by
St Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season," says Saint Peter,
"You must each possess something that symbolises
Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man goes through his pockets and
pulls out a lighter, flicks it on,
saying, "It represents a candle."
"You may pass through the pearly gates,"
says St Peter.

The second man pulls out a set of keys, shakes
them and says, "They're bells."
St Peter lets him pass.

The third man looks desperate and finally pulls
a g-string from his pocket. St. Peter looks
quizzical and asks, "Just how do those
symbolise Christmas?"

The man replies, "They're Carols."

from popbitch.com

[TwistedKitsune]

lol, why did I find that -cute-!?

On the tangent of cute:

It was a Monday in Miss Lewis' first grade class and, as was traditional, she was asking all the children what they had done over the weekend. Upon getting to the last three boys she smiled to herself and asked the same question she had of all the other boys.

"So Timmy, what did you do this weekend?"

"I visited my nana," replied Timmy

"That's very nice Timmy," said the teacher, "But you need to remember to use big people words now, it's Grandma, or Grandmother please. Now Jimmy, what did you do this weekend?"

"I rode on the choo-choo!" replied Jimmy

"That sounds fun Jimmy," said the teacher, "But remember what I said to Timmy, you ought to be using big people words now, that would be 'train' not 'choo-choo'." Turning to the last boy the teacher smiled.

"So, last but not least, we have Johnny. What did you do this weekend?" asked Ms. Lewis

"I read a book!" Johnny eagerly replied.

"That's wonderful!" exclaimed the teacher, "What book did you read?"

Johnny paused at that, and thought carefully about what she had told the last two boys. After a moment he puffed his little chest up with manly pride and loudly proclaimed, "I read winnie the shithead, dammit!"



Well...I thought it was cute...

[Shadowed Aegis]

TEN HUSBANDS

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.

What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!

"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!

[insane_lover44]

more blond jokes:

Blond medical terminology

Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- Suitcase
Hangnail -- Coathook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- Amorous
Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceited

[MedicGirl]

Hey! I Resemble that remark!

[Blushing Heliophobe]

From a co worker....

What do you call Magic Johnsen in a wheelchair?



























Roll-Aids!!!

[devereaux]

Originally Posted by Blushing Heliophobe

From a co worker....

What do you call Magic Johnsen in a wheelchair?

Roll-Aids!!!

I used to say that when I was a kid, but as I got older I felt guilty about it

[Blushing Heliophobe]

All my jokes are old...

It's evil and I'm bad but it's funny.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

[devereaux]

Originally Posted by Blushing Heliophobe

All my jokes are old...

It's evil and I'm bad but it's funny.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

I'm a pretty witty person, but I'm really bad with stock jokes, so all I really have are two jokes my grandfather told me a long time ago:

1)How can you talk to a fish?
Drop it a line.

2)Where can you find a turtle with no legs?
Where you left it.