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Literature Please come visit. People get upset, write poetry about it, and post it here. Sometimes we also talk about books. |
01-20-2009, 01:45 AM
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#1
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Posts: 16
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The Old Teacher - A Short Story
Have a read and tell me what you think of it...
"How dare you!" the jutting jugular wriggled out of place on the old teacher's neck as she screamed.
Swooping from her dusty perch that was her large and foreboding desk, the teacher plummeted down onto the tiny little girl , hurling the distilled filth of anger and hate out from the yellowed, cracked cavern maw that was her mouth.
The girl flinched as the teacher shoved her ancient, decaying face inches from hers, flinched at the violence of her tone and the stench of brimstone seething out of her breath with each thunderous scream. But the girl managed to quickly settle herself inside as she purposefully concentrated on the vulture's outstretched neck, and noticed this close-up how her jugular vein did a funny little dance in tune with each discordant bellow she made. It wriggled and writhed under her track lined and saggy skin, grew larger and thicker as the teacher's rage grew. The screams phased out into a diminishing muffle as the little girl noticed the intricate veins surrounding the monster artery, and how they pulsed and quivered in unison with it. The little girl was sure she could hear the distant sound of a persistent drum, emanating its low undertone in the air from a far off tower, and her eyes widely took this all in.
The drums progressively grew louder, their urgency reminded the girl of the heavy footsteps of a dark cloaked man drawing closer down a long, paved corridor. And the vein grew fatter, swelling up like a clamped water hose. She knew that it would soon burst, and she suddenly felt the irresistible urge to release its pressure, to split the tube open. What was inside that squirming tunnel anyway? she thought. What was making the veins grow larger? Was it a poor little animal struggling to get out, trapped in the rotting neck of the old teacher? All these question grew as the drums grew louder and louder and faster, and her vision was solely fixated on this heaving vein.
The pounding drums grew louder and louder, faster and faster, and in this heat of pounding noise, the little girl grabbed her steel edged ruler on her desk, and flung it with the greatest force sideways into the vein, and watched it submerge into the folds of skin surrounding it. A vibrant spurt of red paint poured out like an overflowing washing machine, a torrent that gushed then trickled, gushed then trickled, and she laughed in delight at its colorful beauty. She had no idea that inside the decrepit, pallid exterior that was the old teacher was this beautiful, velvety liquid flowing like a river inside of her. If only the little girl knew, she would have been able to use this beautiful paint when she did her painting during her art lessons, they would have looked so much prettier and brighter than the boring and dull watercolors everybody else used. Such a vibrant color the girl had never seen before, and she stretched out to feel it. It was sticky like any other paint, but so sticky that when you tried to rub it off, it would smear and stain the skin with a brown color.
The little girl didn't realize that the old teacher was jerking on the floor with great force as her paint poured out, or that the other children had left the room screaming as well, she just didn't see anything else but the beautiful red paint.
Grabbing a piece of butcher's paper on a nearby craft table and a few brushes, the little girl went to work on her latest drawing, dabbing generously into the vein of the now still teacher, and thinking perhaps she could take the drawing home to show her mum. Holding her tongue firmly between her lips in concentration, she swept a smooth arch onto the paper, and paintbrush flowing across the paper as her drawing took shape. She knew her mum would like her painting a lot!
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01-20-2009, 02:04 AM
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#2
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Namibia
Posts: 2,526
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I skipped around a little. Rather sickening. Good job.
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01-20-2009, 07:10 AM
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#3
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 220
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Whoa, that was pretty good! Lovely use of alliteration!
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01-20-2009, 07:51 AM
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#4
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: in the back of your mind...
Posts: 67
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...whoa. That's pretty damn good.
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01-20-2009, 12:38 PM
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#5
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: R'lyeh
Posts: 2,104
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I genuinely liked it.
Nice job.
__________________
"One mohawk wasn't enough to keep up with how badass he is so he had to get two." - Haunted House, about me, YEAH, ME!
Terror Nuclear,Terror Nuclear
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01-20-2009, 12:41 PM
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#6
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 4,678
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Quote:
"How dare you!" the jutting jugular wriggled out of place on the old teacher's neck as she screamed.
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I hate the opening, so I didn't bother reading on.
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01-20-2009, 02:06 PM
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#7
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Flushing, NY
Posts: 3,206
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Creative plot line. Lack of subtlety, however, is another story.
__________________
"Live for today, but know that tomorrow always comes- even if not for you."-MollyMac
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01-20-2009, 02:08 PM
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#8
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: the concrete and steel beehive of Southern California
Posts: 7,449
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JCC
I hate the opening, so I didn't bother reading on.
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Funny, that is what hooked me into it. Loved it. Write more please.
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01-20-2009, 02:15 PM
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#9
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 4,678
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HumanePain
Funny, that is what hooked me into it. Loved it. Write more please.
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Opening with dialogue is a widely-accepted symbol of failure, especially when it's so boring as "How dare you!".
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01-20-2009, 02:27 PM
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#10
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: In front of a computer screen.
Posts: 584
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It's a good idea, but it didn't really grab me. Avoid hyperbole. And too much imagery can be annoying to wade through.
It has potential, but try to write more naturally.
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01-20-2009, 02:43 PM
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#11
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Your mother.
Posts: 1,044
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It was fucking funny.
__________________
The Overture To The Symphony Of Destruction.
I am the Antiproduct!
There is, they say, no fool like an old fool - Golding.
" All the war-propaganda, all the screaming and lies and hatred, comes invariably from people who are not fighting." - Orwell.
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01-20-2009, 02:46 PM
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#12
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 4,678
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Let's put into perspective just how overdone the description is in this:
The teacher screams.
The student picks up ruler.
The student puts ruler in teacher's vein.
The student picks up paintbrush.
How long did this take for the hypothetical student and teacher? I would guess at about fifteen seconds. How many paragraphs? Seven.
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01-20-2009, 10:20 PM
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#13
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 69
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JCC some people like good and long description, it can help to paint a picture of the scene in their head.
I thought it was quite well written, well done Nexiah
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01-20-2009, 11:25 PM
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#14
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Posts: 16
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Thanks for your feedback, as this is one of the first short stories I have written, there are definitely points to be worked to make it better. And as to what JCC said, it being a rather elaborate explanation of a short sequence of events, I think you'll find most short stories are just that...
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01-20-2009, 11:55 PM
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#15
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: In front of a computer screen.
Posts: 584
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^ No, no they most certainly are not....
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01-21-2009, 12:38 AM
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#16
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: the concrete and steel beehive of Southern California
Posts: 7,449
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Some short stories span lives and even generations.
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01-21-2009, 04:00 AM
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#17
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Flushing, NY
Posts: 3,206
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All short stories are not necessarily elaborate descriptions of a scene. If you wish to write like that, it's fine. But before you do, you might want to look at different kind of writers to help find your own style. Compare, say, William Saroyan's writing to the simplicity of say, Raymond Carver's writing. One glorifies while the other just lets the events flow, letting the reader figure out what's important. The latter may give you a bigger audience, as these writers use more simple language, making the writing more accessible, and more real, not to mention that elaborate descriptions in short stories have probably fallen somewhat out of favor. How you write, however, is ultimately up to you.
__________________
"Live for today, but know that tomorrow always comes- even if not for you."-MollyMac
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01-21-2009, 12:11 PM
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#18
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 265
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Nay. Nay.
Thrice nay.
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01-21-2009, 01:53 PM
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#19
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Your mother.
Posts: 1,044
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Quote:
Originally Posted by a morbid curiosity
^ No, no they most certainly are not....
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Yes they are. Though not as elaborate as Nexiah's story, they still use some form of description.
__________________
The Overture To The Symphony Of Destruction.
I am the Antiproduct!
There is, they say, no fool like an old fool - Golding.
" All the war-propaganda, all the screaming and lies and hatred, comes invariably from people who are not fighting." - Orwell.
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01-21-2009, 03:14 PM
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#20
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: In front of a computer screen.
Posts: 584
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Necrophagist
Yes they are. Though not as elaborate as Nexiah's story, they still use some form of description.
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Nexiah said short stories were ELABORATE descriptions of a SHORT sequence of events, when in fact only the crap ones are.
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01-21-2009, 03:28 PM
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#21
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,687
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I always knew a story like this would come along one day, to separate the Gnet members who really have taste from those who only play at it.
Don't give up writing, Nexiah, I think with a few years' practice you might come up with something worth reading.
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01-21-2009, 05:07 PM
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#22
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Namibia
Posts: 2,526
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Quote:
Originally Posted by a morbid curiosity
Nexiah said short stories were ELABORATE descriptions of a SHORT sequence of events, when in fact only the crap ones are.
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She said MOST were. Not that I agree on that, but you simply seem to have misunderstood the word "most".
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01-22-2009, 10:51 AM
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#23
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: In front of a computer screen.
Posts: 584
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Albert Mond
She said MOST were. Not that I agree on that, but you simply seem to have misunderstood the word "most".
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Yeah, I can, y'know, read.
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01-22-2009, 11:02 AM
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#24
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Namibia
Posts: 2,526
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Quote:
Originally Posted by a morbid curiosity
Yeah, I can, y'know, read.
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Good job!
blacktext
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01-22-2009, 12:10 PM
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#25
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Bitch! i live in a fucking trash can!
Posts: 224
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yea sorry - after the first sentence it just seems to much to fathom at the moment.
very creative writing class-esque thou. (good or bad thing? you decide!)
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