joke thread... - Page 2

LaBelleDameSansMerci · 05-26-2008, 09:14 PM

A couple silly things I've heard about Fast Food:

I heard that KFC can't call itself "Kentucky Fried Chicken" anymore because they don't actually use chicken. They've bred long caterpillar-like strings of breasts, legs and wings.

McDonald's food is all made out of glom. They have a big machine at the back, and they push a button. *glom* "Here's your burger, sir." *glom* "Here are your fries, sir." *glom* "Here's your change, sir."

(heartofflames) · 05-27-2008, 01:46 PM

<sigh> I shall give in to the temptation:

A woman hears a knock on the door while she's showering, and since her husband is out, she has to go out in a towel and answer the door. She opens the door to see that its their neighbor, Bob. He takes one look at her and says,"I'll pay you $800 to drop that towel." Since it seemed like a significant amount of money, she dropped the towel, and he handed her $800. When her husband gets home, she tells him that Bob came by and is about to go on about the money when he says, "Did he say anything about to $800 he owes me?"

Noumi · 06-05-2008, 12:04 PM

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

Barfing_Rat · 06-05-2008, 12:51 PM

Q. Where does all moneys Catholic church received go?
A. Well... lawsuits are expensive.

acidxrainbows · 06-25-2008, 10:01 PM

Noumi and Barfing_Rat, those made me laugh SO hard.

Noumi · 06-27-2008, 05:59 AM

Haha! Took this from Funny.com...

These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston...

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words were crossed out in the ( )'s]

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Metabolik · 06-27-2008, 03:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KontanKarite

Cthulhu doesn't "overkill", Cthulhu cthulhus...

Some Cultists claim the great old one's tears cure cancer. Too bad the only tears that are ever shed are the tears of those who's very fabric of their sentient and holy souls get shredded asunder and discarded into pure, alien, concentrated TERROR!!!

Id woop cthulhu's ass with my laz0rz.

HumanePain · 06-27-2008, 05:58 PM

I am one of those pathetic, derelict souls who can appreciate jokes and laugh heartily at them, but can't remember one to share to save his life.
(sigh)

Murasaki eyeliner · 07-04-2008, 10:48 AM

[quote=LaBelleDameSansMerci]A couple silly things I've heard about Fast Food:

I heard that KFC can't call itself "Kentucky Fried Chicken" anymore because they don't actually use chicken. They've bred long caterpillar-like strings of breasts, legs and wings.QUOTE]

thats the last time i eat there

She_Is_My_Sin · 07-04-2008, 11:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jaye Jang

Q: What do you get if you cross a spider with a horse?
A: I don't know, either, but if it bites you, you can ride it to the hospital.

Q: What do you get when you run a canary through a meat grinder?
A: Shredded Tweet.

Q: What's green and red and goes 70 mph?
A: A frog in a blender.

Best I can do for now.

I love jokes like that. I used to crack up so badly to the unfunny jokes on the back of Pengiun bars.

A personal favourite of mine:

Q: What did the fish say when it swam into the wall?
A: Dam.

Jaye Jang · 07-04-2008, 07:54 PM

Okay, my lame joke for today.

How three of the major religions tithe.

Catholics draw a circle and stand inside it. Then, they throw the money up in the air. Whatever falls inside the circle they give to God, and whatever falls outside the circle they keep.

Protestants draw a circle and stand inside it. Then, they throw the money up in the air. Whatever falls outside the circle they give to God, and whatever falls inside the circle they keep.

Jews draw a circle and stand inside it. Then, they throw the money up in the air. Whatever falls inside the circle they keep, whatever falls outside the circle they keep, and then they say to God, "Okay, God, whatever You can catch You can keep."

Sir Canvas Corpsey · 07-04-2008, 09:36 PM

Time for the classics!

Q: Why did the plane crash?

A: The Pilot was a loaf of bread

Q: Why did the koala fall out of the tree?

A: It was dead

Q: Why did the 2nd koala fall out of the tree?

A: It was stapled to the first

Q: Why did the 3rd koala fall out of the tree?

A: Peer pressure

Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in your fridge?

A: There's a foot print in the butter

Q: How did the neighbors stop Tommy riding his bike?

A: Crushed him with an oven

Q:Why did the girl fall off the swing?

A: She had no arms

Q: How do you hide an elephant in a bag of skittles?

A: Paint it's toenails

Now for some festy humor!

Q: what is red and hangs of the back of a train

A: a miscarriage

Q: what is pink, red and silver and walks into walls?

A: A baby with forks in it's eyes

Q: What's more fun than throwing a baby off a cliff?

A: Catching it with a pitchfork

Q: what is bloody red and climbs up a woman's leg?

A: a homesick abortion

That's all I can remember, for now

Jaye Jang · 07-04-2008, 10:36 PM

Okay, just one more lame one... for the Duckman if he's still out there:

Q: Does a duck flying upside down quack up?

Beowulf · 07-05-2008, 10:30 AM

Here are a few old ones..

Q: What is the definition of pain ?

A: A fly sliding along a razor blade using his balls as breaks and landing in a bottle of aftershave !!!.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: The fish !!!.

Q: How do you confuse a lead guitarist ?

A: Use two spotlights !!!.

LetheanBlacklight · 07-09-2008, 07:53 PM

Ah, some jokes I read in one of (RIP) George Carlin's books:

Anticlimax: something my uncle was good at.
Chess: the piece movement.
Seersucker: a person who blows clairvoyants.
Passing gear: clothing worn by light-skinned blacks who wish to be thought of as white.
Outspoken: when you lose a debate.
Hormone: the sound a prostitute makes so you'll think you're a real good fuck.
Drug traffic: driving to your connection's house.
Sex drive: Similar to drug traffic, but with a different destination.
Douche: a female duke.
Octopus: an eight-sided vagina. *lol*
Trampoline: a sexual lubricant popular with sluts.
Parakeet: a keet that takes care of you until the real keet arrives.
Pussyfoot: a rare female birth defect requiring the use of open-toed shoes.
Beer nuts: the official disease of Milwaukee.
Cotton balls: the final stage of beer nuts.
Cowhand: an occupational disability common among dairy farmers.
Woodpecker: a 17th-century prosthetic device.
leatherette: a short sadomasochist.
Cap pistol: a small gun that can be hidden in your hat.
A gay barbarian: Attila the hon.

Beowulf · 07-14-2008, 08:25 PM

Q:How can you tell when a drummer knocks at your door ?

A: The knocking gets faster !!!.

Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None--they just steal somebody else's light.

How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.
"Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!"

For more musician jokes click here ... and here !!!.

LaBelleDameSansMerci · 07-14-2008, 09:01 PM

I'm going to rip off a viola joke site

How is a violist's fingers similar to lightning?
--They never strike the same place twice

What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
--You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
--The bow is moving.

What is the range of a Viola?
--As far as you can kick it.

What do a SCUD missile and a viola player have in common?
--They're both offensive and inaccurate.

What's the difference between a chain saw and a viola?
--If you absolutely had to, you could use a chain saw in a string quartet.

Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a violin case?
--They think he's carrying a machine gun and might be about to use it.
Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a viola case?
--They think he's carrying a viola and might be about to use it.

What is the difference between a violist and a prostitute?
--A prostitute knows more than two positions.
--Prostitutes have a better sense of rhythm.
What is the similarity between a violist and a prostitute?
--Both are paid to fake climaxes.

Last one....
Once there was a violist playing in the Winnipeg Symphony. He wasn't that wonderful a player, so he sat at the back of the section. One day he was cleaning out his attic and discovered an old lamp. He gave it a rub and out popped a genie.

"For letting me out of my lamp I'll grant you three wishes!" he said.

The violist thought for a moment and replied, "Make me a far better musician than I am now."

The genie told him that this would be done. He was to go to sleep, and in the morning he would be a much better musician. The next day he woke up to find himself the principal violist of the Symphony. Well, this was just great, he thought! But he knew he could do better. He rubbed the lamp again, and out popped the genie.

"You have two more wishes!" he said.

"I want you to make me a better musician than I am even now!"

Once again, the genie told him to go to bed, and when he woke up it would be so. When the violist awoke, he found he was now the principal violist of the Berlin Philharmonic. Well, the violist thought this was pretty grand, but knew he could do better yet. He rubbed on the lamp again, and once more out came the genie.

"This is your last wish." the genie said.

"I want you to make me yet a better musician still!"

Yet again, he was told to go to sleep. The next morning, he woke up to find himself back in Winnipeg, sitting in the last desk of the second violin section.

Splintered · 07-15-2008, 12:13 AM

Mary was not the best student in Sunday School.One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ’’Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?’’

When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ’’God Almighty !’’ shouted Mary and the teacher said, ’’Very good’’ and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ’’Who is our Lord and Savior?’’ But Mary didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ’’Jesus Christ!’’ shouted Mary and the teacher said, ’’Very good,’’ and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ’’What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?’’ And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ’’If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!’’

The Teacher fainted.

kikrox · 08-08-2008, 03:08 AM

what did the penguin say to the black and white cat ?

A: dont be a copycat !

Geoluhread · 08-08-2008, 04:57 AM

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man to get out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, the guy tells his wife: "listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent alot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.. I saw How he kissed your neck, if he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter How he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry he'll kill us. Be strong honey, i love you"
To which his wife responds "he wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if i had vaseline, i told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too"

--

A young woman buys a mirror from an antique shop and hangs it on the bathroom door. One evening while getting undressed, she playfully said, mirror mirror on my door, make my bust line 44
Instantly, there's a brilliant flash of light and her breasts grow to enormous proportions.
Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened. In minutes they return, this time the husband crosses his fingers, says "mirror mirror on my door, make my penis touch the floor"..
Again... A brilliant flash... And his legs fall off...

Geoluhread · 08-22-2008, 11:38 AM

Yo momma's so old, her birth certificate is in roman numbers...
Yo momma's so dumb, she failed a survey
Yo momma's so dumb, at the bottom of application where it says sign here, she wrote sagitarius
Yo momma's so dumb, if you gave her a penny for her intelligence you'd get change
Yo momma's so dumb, at her job application where it says emergency contact she put 911
Yo momma's so dumb, she invented a solar-powered flash light
Yo momma's so dumb, she called the cocaine hot line to order some
Yo momma's so dumb, she can't pass a drunk test when she isn't even drunk
Yo momma's so dumb, she saw a sign that reads "wet floor", so she did
Yo momma's so dumb, she thought that asphalt was a skin disease

$haDe · 08-23-2008, 05:49 AM

This one might sound weird but it DID happened in a countryside of my country

A guy riding his bike suddenly change the lane,stopping a lady in a car behind

The girl rool her window down, pointing at the guy

"BUFFALO !!!!!"

That guy shows her his finger while the other hand is riding

He crashes a group of buffalo that is crossing the road

*buffalo is the other way to call someone stupid in Thai*
-_-
It did happen and that guy broke his leg

$haDe · 08-23-2008, 05:56 AM

An old guy, whose son got arrested for murder, sent a letter to his son

'Dear,son the winter is coming and i'm too old to dig these potatoes alone without ur help.-love dad'

The son replied it.

'Dear,dad For the love of God,DAD not now!! There's a plenty of bodies I buried out there. -Love,son'

The next day,All officer available from the station spend all their day digging the old man's field but they find nothing they've searched for

The son send another short letter that says 'That's all I can help,Hope all the potatoes will taste good -Love,son '

LOL

Metabolik · 08-23-2008, 08:31 AM

Garry Glitter just tried to commit suicide by jumping of a boat, an hour later coast guards find him bobbing up and down on a small buoy. *sounds like boy if you somehow didn't get it*

$haDe · 08-25-2008, 06:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Metabolik

Garry Glitter just tried to commit suicide by jumping of a boat, an hour later coast guards find him bobbing up and down on a small buoy. *sounds like boy if you somehow didn't get it*

LOL!!!
That was funny!!!