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| Literature Please come visit. People get upset, write poetry about it, and post it here. Sometimes we also talk about books. |
07-14-2010, 11:32 AM
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#1
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Smexyville, Colorado
Posts: 2,424
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This poem is terrible, do not read it.
One grotesque eye,
peers out from hoary lid.
The menacing orb
glows red.
The beast sit chewing,
sound grating on ears,
like feet on gravel.
Deep down I know,
this long eared beast,
would feast on my flesh
then devour my soul.
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07-16-2010, 08:54 AM
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#2
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Smexyville, Colorado
Posts: 2,424
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Oh come on... its ok to tell me how bad you think it is...
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Last edited by ape descendant; 07-16-2010 at 08:54 AM.
Reason: left out a letter...
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07-16-2010, 01:07 PM
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#3
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,721
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Okay...... since you asked. It's just uninsipired and uninspiring.
What is the beast? Was there an idea behind it, or just a cliched image gleaned from a "dark" aesthetic? I think if you wanted to improve this, the beast would have to MEAN something. Monster without metaphor is kind of boring. The only part which remotely engaged my interest was the description of the beast as "long-eared", because it locates the beast as something other than a generic embodiment of like rilly scary things.
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All pleasure is relief from tension. - William S. Burroughs
Witches have no wit, said the magician who was weak.
Hula, hula, said the witches. - Norman Mailer
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07-16-2010, 02:10 PM
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#4
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Smexyville, Colorado
Posts: 2,424
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Its supposed to be a bunny eating bunny-things....
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07-16-2010, 02:22 PM
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#5
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 4,678
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ape descendant
Oh come on... its ok to tell me how bad you think it is...
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Why ask not to read it then?
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07-16-2010, 02:54 PM
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#6
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Um, lower, oh yeah, uh, uh ... YES THERE!
Posts: 6,738
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ape descendant
Oh come on... its ok to tell me how bad you think it is...
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I cannot, as per instructions I did not read it. And now, there is nothing you could say to me to make me read it, as I have it on good advice that it is terrible!
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Lead me not into temptation ... follow me, I know a shortcut!
As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
the rolling in money,
the screamingly funny,
and those who are very well hung.
Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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07-16-2010, 02:54 PM
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#7
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 2,932
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That's the type of... thing... ape descendant is.
It's really annoying, isn't it?
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by KissMeDeadly
You fucking people [war veterans] are only a step below entitled rich kids, the only difference being you had to do and witness horrible things, instead of being given everything.
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real classy
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07-16-2010, 03:12 PM
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#8
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Smexyville, Colorado
Posts: 2,424
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Oh, it is. You are wise to avoid it. It is so terrible, in fact, that my eyes started to bleed as I was writing it.
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07-16-2010, 03:43 PM
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#9
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 222
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I agree with Apathy that your poem should have a message; a ferocious beast can very easily symbolize something. However, I like the imagery and word choice. It's not terrible; it just seems incomplete.
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07-16-2010, 04:25 PM
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#10
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Smexyville, Colorado
Posts: 2,424
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I should call it "Incomplete Bunny". 
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07-16-2010, 11:26 PM
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#11
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 57
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ape descendant
Its supposed to be a bunny eating bunny-things....
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I got what you meant in that case! Pretty funny poem, all in all.
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10-11-2010, 09:57 AM
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#12
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: nonya, darlin.
Posts: 130
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How on Earth could you think that's bad? I really liked it! It's better than alot of poetry I've read. Like, some of it that gets published, I don't really like.
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10-11-2010, 10:11 AM
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#13
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 48
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sure the ryme scheme is a little week but the imagry is good. it's not THAT bad.
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10-11-2010, 10:40 AM
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#14
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Virginia, USA
Posts: 579
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Ape you look like Jillian Venters. And I mean that in a positive way too. 
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10-12-2010, 07:20 AM
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#15
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Antigo, WI [feel free to say 'where???' lol]
Posts: 156
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it definatly seems open to interpetation.
it reminds me of the feeling of chaos in ones soul.
....omj, you captured chaos in a physical form!!! lol, the killer bunny!!
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10-12-2010, 10:24 AM
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#16
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Smexyville, Colorado
Posts: 2,424
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maromi12d3
Ape you look like Jillian Venters. And I mean that in a positive way too. |
Well, I did put a lot of effort into stealing her fabulous hairstyle. 
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