Rant Thread

[JuliaGaltic]

Oh no, you don't get to give great suggestions like that and then tell me "not to try it at home"!

Like you said, I pretty much had the idea of at least one thing I could do that might help. I just wish my bf was able to come with me or that he wouldn't take offense to me wanting to go without him.

He's a great guy and I'm sure he'll understand. I can't say that I honestly wouldn't be a little hurt if he wanted to go somewhere even if it meant going without me but sometimes you have to do things that are best for yourself. I can't be the wonderful girl he fell in love with if I don't feel like myself so in the end he should see that all I'm trying to do is give him that powerful, determined and driven girl back. I know I miss her.

Thanks for the advice. It was helpful pitseleh... give yourself some credit.

[joyslayer]

She'll bounce back. Just give her a little time to heal on her own.

[AlKilyu]

Xng: Not that I am the representative for orphans or anything, but if his mom is dying he is going through some rough shit (he is 13!) and his behavior right now might not be the norm.

I feel for your sister I do, but in situations like that there is no telling how he is dealing with the pain...

[joyslayer]

Oof Santarea, I feel for you. If need be, I could knock someone out in your honor.

[Sanctus Dei]

Julia... go visit and get away. Trust me, things will only get worse if you don't do something soon. (I've had the same problem, almost lost the best love of my life because of it.)

[JuliaGaltic]

Originally Posted by Sanctus Dei

Julia... go visit and get away. Trust me, things will only get worse if you don't do something soon. (I've had the same problem, almost lost the best love of my life because of it.)

Oh see that's exactly what I'm trying to avoid. My bf (and future husband) and I have been fighting more often lately and I don't blame him for that. Like I said, I'm not completely all there and it hurts him to see it and sometimes he gets frustrated with me, as he should. He's been with me for a long time and knows that he can expect much, much more of me, but he's still a sweetheart and says that he wants to help me through this.

We talked for a bit yesterday and finally assented to the fact that maybe me taking a little vacation wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen. We'll talk more when he gets home tonight.

Thank you though because now I see that my fears that things will just get worse aren't unfounded. It helps refortify my original point. I'm glad you only "almost" lost the best love of your life and managed to salvage it. It is soo worth salvaging.

[swt&inc angel??]

not usually were youll see me, I try not to whine but damnit I feel like shit right now and I no I not only did nothing wrong but I took alot more shit than anyone else would have. I had an overly controling boyfriend for the last six months off and on and I decided last time we broke up it was forever then I got a phone call. My exs resturant which him and his dad own had just fired a person I helped get a job there for stealing.so I felt I had to go back and help. well to make a long story short it was so awful dealing with my ex, that if I went back out with him till the store got back on its feet I might be able to deal with all this. so dumbass me goes back out with him and it worked for a while till he just flipped out to day (at the store his baby)it got so bad that I knew if I did anything to piss him off more hed hit me. keep in mind he was slamming draws shut really close to my hand (not to scare me but just to shut them that how mad and how much he wasnt thinking he got. now I fell like shit because he gave me thi computer which I was able to get him to let me pay for but hes acting like I only used him so that I could make money but the truth is I made less than minimum wadge. I dont know any more but thanks for listening to all this bullshit i no it gets boring. If my grammers really bad (or my spelling ) I apolagize!!!

[AlKilyu]

He'd hit you? Has he done that before?

Never understood that. I mean, I have gotten pissed before, but at no time was I thinking of assault on a female. That doesn't make me special or a great guy (I'm not) that should be the norm.

[mortalitas incomitatus]

Well this is all just shit and I’m going to have a fucking whinge about it, not because it makes me feel better, but because I fucking well can. And if you don’t like it, if you don’t want to listen well guess wtf you can do?

So its well after one in the morning for the third night in a row and we all know what that means…yep, yep insomnia. I know I can’t keep taking the sleeping pills, those little fucks are addictive and I’ve been on them every night since November.
So maybe this is actually a period of adjustment, a sleeping pill detox if you will.
But we all know I’m just falling myself, self-delusion…another thing I am very good at.
With the depression comes the highs, the insomnia and the hatred.

I know it’s my fault, this downer I’m on and it pisses me off. I know it’s all in my head and I should be able to ignore it but you cant, logic does not seem to play a part in it.
Also the fact that I’ve been slack on all my pills does not help any, I really cannot afford to have another “holiday” not now, not with so much to loose.
And who the fact do you turn to? People either don’t understand and will never be capable of understanding and the few people who would know what is happening inside my head I don’t want to burden with my problems, they have their own to worry about.

So this week started with Cynthia’s birthday she would have been 23, would have been.
Who the fuck has the right to take a life? Especially one so young, that cunt deserves to suffer a thousand deaths for his actions, but no he gets to walk down that street with a self righteous look on his face whist I get a life time of pain and guilt.

So its been six years, I went to see her mum yesterday, every time I look at her I see that face, the look she gave me all those years ago.
Pure hatred and disappointment.
Every year I do this, some sort of punishment. I don’t really know. Still the guilt exists and as long as it does I will continue in my self-destructive ways.
Keep reliving these moments in my life over and over maybe in the vague hope I can fix what I did wrong? This fucking guilt.

I was surprised I made it through Justin’s anniversary, but I did quit my job on that day so maybe I was not as strong as I keep telling myself.

Too much death.

I went to see Jason as well this week, for some one that hurt me so much both physically and mentally he makes it all better, if only for and hour every few months.
He refuses to talk about what it is like in there, I don’t really blame him.
I’m sure he resents me for what happened, if it haddent been for me he would not be spending the better part of his twenties in there. But if he does he hides it well, and always lets me cry, for that I will always cherish his friendship and love.

More hospital this week, more tests, more waiting, more bullshit.
They can go fuck themselves. What am I? Some sort of medical mystery?
All those doctors over so many years, you would think one of them would have a clue.
Where did they get their gp licenses? The back of a freaking wheeties box?

So I leave you at this late hour with this, I don’t want your pity. I am not spilling out these thoughts because I need you to rescue me from myself.
I wrote this simply because I can, to lift some weight.
That is all.
Now I retire to stare at the ceiling till dawn.



Selfish

Tell me, the fuck do you want from me?
Tell me, what do you see when you look at me?
Self pity, an indulgent art.
Self pity, my perfected art.
Tell me, why do you need to save me?
Tell me, what the fuck is left to save?
Self harm, the quick release.
Self harm, my perfect release.
Tell me, why can’t I save myself?
Tell me, why fuck don’t I want to save myself?
Self control, a disciplined act.
Self control, my non-existent act.
Tell me, why won’t I survive?
Tell me, why the fuck don’t I want to survive?
Self hate, a selfish talent.
Self hate, my only talent.

[Empty_Purple_Stars]

Originally Posted by mortalitas incomitatus

Selfish

Tell me, the fuck do you want from me?
Tell me, what do you see when you look at me?
Self pity, an indulgent art.
Self pity, my perfected art.
Tell me, why do you need to save me?
Tell me, what the fuck is left to save?
Self harm, the quick release.
Self harm, my perfect release.
Tell me, why can’t I save myself?
Tell me, why fuck don’t I want to save myself?
Self control, a disciplined act.
Self control, my non-existent act.
Tell me, why won’t I survive?
Tell me, why the fuck don’t I want to survive?
Self hate, a selfish talent.
Self hate, my only talent.

I won't offer you pity.. I can offer you some perspective and a fat joint..

I'm merely guessing on the details, and If I'm offbase at all I apologize.
Five years ago I lost one of my best friends Cayless, and his death sent my other best friend Jason, to Prison. His Death was a shock I don't ever think I will truly accept. Jason going to prison for it all still fucks with my head. So many "What If's". It never gets any easier really, and part of me will never stop blaming myself for not seeing what was happening that night, and stopping it. Cayless's Mom loved all of us, but she blamed all of us for his Death as well. Not just Jason. I can't blame her really, I don't know what I would do if I lost my Son. Especially to something so preventable.

Two months after Cayless died and Jason was sentenced, their roomate Don, my other close friend, bled to death in the same house. In two short months they were all gone, and the house that we had all called a second home, was full of the stench of Death.

I was fucked up beyond words for a long time over the whole Hellish Nightmare. Even now as I write about it, my hands are shaking with memories. It IS fucked up, it will NEVER make any sense, and maybe it isn't supposed to make sense. I really don't know.

I think of all of the things the three of them should have been around to do and see the last five years, and it makes me so mad I want to break things into little tiny pieces.

I understand the Pain, and Rage and Guilt. I do Baby, really I do.
There are no easy answers, or fast simple ways to just "Let it all go". I wish there was.

But you simply must survive it. I have at least managed to figure out the last five years, that crucifying myself for choices I did or didn't make, isn't going to bring them back, and it isn't going to get Jason out of Prison. Sometimes, I still talk to them both in my head, and a large part of me believes that wherever they are, they can hear me. Sometimes I send them silent screams of anger for their selfish choices, mostly I send them invisible hugs filled with longing and sadness.

I know you're hurting deeper than words can share, and I'm sorry. The only 'advice' I can offer is to let yourself feel. Feel whatever is inside, the anger, the guilt, the self-hatred, the pain, the sadness. Let yourself feel it all, shutting it away is the worst thing you can do for yourself.

If you need to vent, I'm here. If you just need someone to scream to, I'm here.

Our situations may not be the same, but I do understand in many ways, what you are going through.

Let me remind you of something in conclusion.

You're Tough, You're Wickedly Beautiful, You're Intelligent and You have a Wonderful Soul. I believe in You and Your Son is lucky to have such a Badfuckingass Mom.

Now get your ass over here and smoke this with me..

If you need someone, I'm here.

*Spine-Crunching Hugs*

[WolfMoon]

Mortalitas ~ I'm here, babe.


Julia ~ Get the fuck out of there before you lose your mind and are stuck with only What If........

[swt&inc angel??]

Originally Posted by AlKilyu

He'd hit you? Has he done that before?

Never understood that. I mean, I have gotten pissed before, but at no time was I thinking of assault on a female. That doesn't make me special or a great guy (I'm not) that should be the norm.

I know that not all guys are like that and hes the only one Ive ever dated that made me feel that way but between him and my real dad (not the guy who I now call dad) Im scared to trust myself. And honestly its not that he wanted to hit me its just that his anger gets so great he cant think (kinda like he wouldnt realize he was doing it) we knew he needed help but he wouldnt get any so I left. That does NOT ecxuse it!! I just wish I could meet a semi-older guy who will understand. I dont really care if someone gets so mad they have to hit something but that they learn to contole it till they can get to a punchingbag. Hey now and then everyone can get that mad for whatever reason and I understand that but what if I find another just like him and thats all I keep finding. Thats what im most scared of. **** would be awful but atleast eventualy it would end. Im just not sure if ill ever stop finding them. I love the fact that if someone is the violent type that they make me feel safe cause there are people who know how and where to place that violence, like a game or boxing (and isnt there a controleld... im not sure how to put this but well...) street fighting ring, but my problem is how do you Know if they are controled enough??

[Wise Child]

Well, if you're scared of him, then he's probably not controlled enough. If you feel that your safety is at risk (which it is if he's the type to hit you) then I'd guess he's not the guy for you - unless you want to spend your life being afraid.

We all get mad. We don't all go around beating on people. That is not okay. Don't stand for it! Your safety is far more important than anything else this guy can give you.

[joyslayer]

"What If's" Are not cool! Act now before it's too late!

[JuliaGaltic]

Originally Posted by WolfMoon

Julia ~ Get the fuck out of there before you lose your mind and are stuck with only What If........

I intend to. Debate is over and I'm planning a trip to Mexico City to visit some of my favorite family. Just have to finance it and hope all of that works out. If not just letting it all out here and getting the feedback I got helped tremendously, as did these last two days of honest to goodnes conversation between me and my bf.

He really is so wonderful and understanding.

Thank you all for your posts, as you can probably see, it helped.

[AlKilyu]

Originally Posted by swt&inc angel??

but my problem is how do you Know if they are controled enough??

Well how long have you been together? I have never been around a prick who'd hit a woman, so I don't know how soon they show their true colors. I had a co-worker who recently quit who found some place to take classes to teach (women?) what to look for in men that are not just physically abusive, but emotional as well. I had to ask, just cause I wanted to know, and she said I didn't show any of those traits, and she has seen me pissed more than once.


Can anyone here shed some light on the subject?

[tenet_2012]

How many times are we going to address this subject?

I mean, I haven't really been here that long but this is the third time that I have read the same comments on this subject. Just leave the fucker.

Unless, you enjoy the abuse (hey, some do).

It is very simple to me. But, I understand things better then most people do.

Most domestic violence cases are never charged by the person recieving the abuse. The state has decided to charge most cases. These women and men (no one here of course) that are abused claim to love the abuser.

"Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed."

"Fear is the mind killer."

[cemeterydragon]

This is my short little rant. I feel really bitchy for writing this, as it is only my third post.
Okay.
Five days a week, I get up at six a.m., go to school and work my ass off. At five p.m, I leave school, change out of my uniform (khaki's and a polo) and start on my homework. At around seven, I leave my room, come down stairs, and grab a banana for dinner. Then I retreat to my room and start studying, finishing at eight or nine. When i finally finish, I get bitched at for not doing the laundry (my stepmoms, my fathers, and my own) Not doing the dishes, not cleaning the house. None of this is my fucking fault! It's not even my problem! Both my father and stepmother are retired. It's not like they don't have any free time. But apparently they're sacrificing their lives for me.

[joyslayer]

On the abuse subject, I do believing loving the person plays a great deal more that what you think it does. I can tell you this, I've been physically hurt by my love before, but he at the time, was not in his own right mind, also known as, he was high. I mean yeah, he got what was coming to him after I knew he was okay, but I didn't leave him for it either.

[cemeterydragon]

This is my short little rant. I feel really bitchy for writing this, as it is only my third post.
Okay.
Five days a week, I get up at six a.m., go to school and work my ass off. At five p.m, I leave school, change out of my uniform (khaki's and a polo) and start on my homework. At around seven, I leave my room, come down stairs, and grab a banana for dinner. Then I retreat to my room and start studying, finishing at eight or nine. When i finally finish, I get bitched at for not doing the laundry (my stepmoms, my fathers, and my own) Not doing the dishes, not cleaning the house. None of this is my fucking fault! It's not even my problem! Both my father and stepmother are retired. It's not like they don't have any free time. But apparently they're sacrificing their lives for me.
I'm sorry, but I do not think it's sacrificing anything to drive me to school at 7:30. That's all they have to do, they don't even support me! My father DOES pay for my schooling, and it is pretty expensive, but he's fucking rich, so it doesn't even matter. If I want anything (clothes, books, hairbrush, toothepaste) I have to go out, get hired by someone, and work, therefor taking over my entire weekend. Wow, fun. I'm thirteen for goddess' sake!
This shouldn't really bother me, i know, but I have an extremely quick temper. Not very good. Not to mention (although I guess I am) the fact that NO ONE in my school is a goth, or even a punk.
People bitch and complain about ONLY having 11 goths at their school.
Well guess what? I have NONE!
My stepmother, Lisa, is a morning bird. At five-thirty every morning, she gets up, and sings as loud as possible. She sings about her dog. For some reason, Lisa is completely jealous of me. She hates it when hates it when I even talks to him. To get his attention, she makes a comment about me being fat. I AM NOT FAT! I have a fucking 27 inch waist, and I am 5'7". That is not fat. She'll give me diet tips (she and my dad are obese)
Then my dad can't seem to decide whether or not he loves me or hates me. One minute he'll tell me that he's so proud of me, and then he'll say he hates me, I was a mistake, and I should kill myself. Everyone I know claims my "gothyness" is just a faze. A thirteen-year long faze. I've ALWAYS loved the dark, ALWAYS! Damn....
I'm going to shutup now. I realize that this isn't really worth a rant, but I've had to get this off my chest for a year. Well, if you've actually taken time to read this, thank you.

[cemeterydragon]

oops, sorry. I didn't mean to post that twice, I accidentially pressed enter. The second rant is the actual one.

[joyslayer]

Hmm, it's no problem. Just ignore them, find a way to drone them out, but don't be all stupid about it either. When it comes to parents, sublety(spelling) is the key.

[JuliaGaltic]

Cementarydragon, I know what you're going through doll, really I was there. This is what my schedule was like from 11-18, living with my stepmother and my dad.

700am: Wake up and start making lunches for my 3 little brothers and my little sister. Then continue on to cooking breakfast for all 7 of us. (I usually ate an apple because that's all I had time for.

730am: Wake the family up, make their bed (army style, tight enough to bounce a quarter off of). Help the kids get dressed for school. Clean up after breakfast. This means dishes, sweeping, wiping off all surface areas and the stove, drying and putting the dishes away, and cleaning out the sink with Comet.

In between all of the previous at 8am daycare parents and children started showing up, interrupting me every 5 minutes.

815am: Get myself ready for school while my stepmom drove the kids to school, making sure I keep an eye on the daycare children.

830am: Pass on any info the parents gave regarding their children to my stepmother (who ran the daycare) and walk the mile and a half to school.

I went to a private school, but my parents didn't have enough money most of the time so I paid for half of my tuition being a teacher's aid and trying to keep up on my own school work at the same time. (This was from 13 on)

900am to 430pm: School and being a teacher's aid.

500pm-10pm: Home from school after walking home and my stepmom has to go pick up the kids. Start on dinner for all 7 of us while keeping an eye on the daycare children. Telling the parents anything important info regarding their child's day as they come pick them up. Eat dinner. Clean after dinner (same as breakfast clean up). Clean the lunchboxes readying them for use the next day. Give the kids a bath (all 4 of them). Clean their rooms before their bedtimes (whatever mess they'd made since they'd gotten home with their toys was all me). Get the kids into their pj's and in bed. Clean the bathroom up after bathtime, including mopping and all that. One hour to hour and a half to myself. To take a shower and do homework. Bedtime.

There's so much more than just this to it, but if it helps any, I made it to 18, moved out and then had a long chat with my stepmother later on and she is now my best friend aside from my boyfriend. We love eachother dearly. Things will turn out. Just stick it out, if for nothing else, for your education, so you can get the hell out of there and start your own life with everything you can under your belt.

If you ever need to talk, PM me. I spent many a nights crying out of frustration in my teenage years, so really, anytime. You're not a bitch for feeling this might be a little unfair.

*hugs*

[joyslayer]

Wow, I feel like a slacker compared to you two! I usually "live" With my lovlies, and rarely come home at all. I really feel like a slacker though. If either of you needs to talk, I'm here. PM me or IM I don't care. I'm here though.

[joyslayer]

Eep, I feel like a slacker as I mentioned before. I worst my parents did was beat me.