Rant Thread

[HumanePain]

Originally Posted by Splintered

I have an established internet identity. Meaning, I get around, and in my mind, there is a construct of sorts, of "Splintered" (Although, I do have other pseudonyms). I have developed relationships with people I have met online. I genuinely consider certain people that I have met online, to be, what can only be described, as friends.

I genuinely care, about how my actions effect people, who are hundreds, possibly thousands of miles away. I do care if I step on someone's toes online, or how what I do and say does to others. I've got blogs that I continually read, forums that I visit, a myspace page that I update regularly, websites that I frequent, and people that I talk to on IRC, and messaging systems, who I have no other means of contacting.

What if, one day, you wiped the slate clean. Everything. Your close down all of your accounts online. Hotmail, Yahoo, AOL, all of them, closed down. All of your forum accounts are either deleted, or locked with an incredibly long password that you could never brute force. Everything else you use, from MySpace, to blogs, you deleted your accounts, and never visit them again

What would it be like? Would it be like you have lost something, or had a terrible burden lifted?

You raise a very interesting and profound question Splintered:

It is human nature to communicate, we are a gregarious species. Think back to the 1800's.
People kept in touch using letters. The postal service kept people in touch like the internet does now. And because the net is virtually realtime, we converse in an even more realistic manner than through mail.

The mother of my daughter's boyfriend met her current (second) husband on the internet first. Then they met in person and got married. Communication over the net is as real as the two parties make it. One could be faking it, (why the internet is sometimes called the "alternet") but even face to face people can fake sincerity.

So yes, we would miss you. Yes, some would forget you. But if you came back, you would be remembered. People are fond of seeing each other at a school reunion even after 25 years.

I have had my internet identity since 1990. I am still in touch with people I have only known through email, or have met only once, maybe twice.

Having a burden lifted? Not for me. I like people, I like my friends, and they are no less friends for being remote.

Just my humble opinion Splintered. Good question!

[Splintered]

Well, the thing is, what if I applied that to real life?

I mean, I can easily erase myself from online. You could know my IP address, sure. But I've done nothing illegal, so you couldn't do much. There'd be no reason. I could easily disappear from the internet.

What if I could apply the same concept, to my actual life? Simply, rewrite it. Completely obliterate my past for all practicality. Move to another state. Change my legal name. Get a new house, a new car. Change my hair style, my clothes. I could, in theory, become whoever I want.

Right now, I'm not really part of any subculture. Even though I can associate myself with geeks, goths, emos, preps, jocks, nerds, the socially rejected and the socially accepted, whatever high school cliche fits your fancy. I'm a social Tabula Rasa. I could go any direction I feel. I just need to eliminate what's holding me back right now; people who know who I am. I'm stuck in this blank state, because that's how Iv'e been grown around these people. Yet, if I'm put in a new area, I could become, whoever I want.

Just like on this forum. If I erased my account, waited six months, signed up under a new account, I could be someone, completely different. What would happen, if I did that with my life?

[MollyMac]

People never mature out of their own selfish wants. The designated driver starting drinking last night. I was the only one that noticed, but at least someone was sober when it came time to go home.

[emeraldlonewoulf]

Splintered: You could easily do what you described above, just as easily as you could separate yourself from those people you see every day. A new place does give you a new perspective, but it also brings into focus the things that are the same, rather than the the things that are different. Or at least that is how it worked for me.

It wasn't exactly to the extreme you describe, but I left my hometown of approximately 12 years a year ago, the only family I have there is my mother, with who I write or call but that is the extent of it. Moving like that tells you exactly who your friends are, the ones who really are will keep track of you, they will write, or call. Be prepared for no one to do either, life gets in the way.

We I came to the place I live now, I knew one person. That person knows the real me, behind the clothes, etc. Everything else was a clean slate. I came up here with my car, my books, and my tools. that was it. I could have done without those. (almost).

The thing is, when I came here, a lot changed, outwardly. But the things that had plagued me before were still there, because they were on the inside. I still had the same faults, I still dealt with the same issues. The context was different, but the issues were the same, and so the move brought into focus exactly what was the same. I had the same problems, because they stemmed from me. The difference was that now I could see them. Seeing them, I could change them, before there were a lot of results from those issues in the new place.

Basically, what that move showed me was that, barring other reasons I had to move, any of the changes I really wanted to make I could have where I was, the place didn't matter because the people affected wouldn't have cared enough to write when I moved, so why would they genuinely care if i did anything there?

My point is, no one else holds you back. It is your own perception of the situation that does. If a change of place helps to change that perception, thats all well and good. But it isn't necessary. The change in perception is. The changes within yourself that you desire are what is necessary. Change of place can help, to be sure, but it isn't needed. You can remold yourself right where you are. It just takes force of will.

[honeythorn]

I am now going to whinge. And be mournful. This is going to sound very very tragic and stupid. But I have developed a terrible gut wrenching longing for the actor John Barrowman * Torchwood*.

I thought I had managed to control my infatuations for things/people I cannot have ( him being both famous and gay is somewhat of a problem), It seems I was wrong.

Ok I'm done now. I'm off to have a remarkably explicit dream. Goodbye, and again my apologies.

[Mir]

Fuck you, you AND you. I will slice you open, carve you up into a nice winter coat for myself.

[Godslayer Jillian]

Umm.... what?

[She_Is_My_Sin]

Originally Posted by honeythorn

I am now going to whinge. And be mournful. This is going to sound very very tragic and stupid. But I have developed a terrible gut wrenching longing for the actor John Barrowman * Torchwood*.

I thought I had managed to control my infatuations for things/people I cannot have ( him being both famous and gay is somewhat of a problem), It seems I was wrong.

Ok I'm done now. I'm off to have a remarkably explicit dream. Goodbye, and again my apologies.

Don't worry dear. You are not alone on this matter. I tried to fend it off too, but it seems that him in that grey swishy coat just does it for me.

http://img401.imageshack.us/img401/1040/jack4dc6.jpg

[HumanePain]

Originally Posted by Mir

Fuck you, you AND you. I will slice you open, carve you up into a nice winter coat for myself.

I hope you were pointing at pictures on a news website, and not at us?...But if you were, as Jillian said: um...what? Why? Care to share?

[honeythorn]

Don't worry dear. You are not alone on this matter. I tried to fend it off too, but it seems that him in that grey swishy coat just does it for me.

http://img401.imageshack.us/img401/1040/jack4dc6.jpg

Phwoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa r. I like him in his shirt and braces!!!!!!

[IsThatLatin]

This is the rant thread, eh?

I have a rant. My boyrfiend's best friend from high school--who he's been trying desperately to help for the last 15 years due to her wonderful drug addiction--overdosed and died a couple of days ago. He's been in another state visiting family--he comes home tonight. I just wanted to say how pissed off I am at her. The only time she ever called was to either borrow money, or to apologize for always having to borrow money. She's done so much to hurt him, and all he ever did was try to help her. Her own family gave up on her years ago, and because of the money thing, every other friend had walked away. Except my boyfriend, who is the most wonderful, giving person I've ever met.

In the last year, he had been coming down on her a bit. He would only help out now and then with the odd bill, or rent, but only if he could wire the money directly to where ever it was going (as opposed to sending it to her so she could blow it on crank). He did it because he couldn't stand the thought of her being on the street. She repaid him by showing up at his father's house over the summer--while he was throwing a party for a bunch of old classmates after his 20th high school reunion. She was pale, sweating, shaking and begging for $50 for a fix. He gave it to her just to get her the hell out of the house, to avoid his own embarrassment and hers. Then she called to apologize. About a month later she left a message on our machine saying she was gong to kill herself and would he take care of anything afterwords (belongings, etc). Of course, she called a couple of weeks later asking for a mutual friend's phone number, as if the suicide phone call never happened. And then, of course, she sent a letter, apologizing.

Well, I'd like to see her apologize for this. I'm so angry I could spit nails.

[PersephoneX]

that's so scary...

[HumanePain]

Crap, I have to fly to Boston tomorrow, where the high will be a balmy 37 degrees Fahrenheit, and it is predicted to be snowing when I land. I hate traveling during the winter. (walks outside to bask one last time in 70 degree California sunshine, and plucks a few navel oranges from backyard orchard...).

[DarkHeartedDemoness]

Tell me about it!

I live in Minnesota.

Most days, I can park my car at the $2.50 lot and walk 5 blocks to work. These days, it's so cold I can feel my face freezing and seperating from my head. I'm often afraid it'll detach itself and shatter on the sidewalk. So I park in the parking garage for my building, and pay $10 every time.

[LaBelleDameSansMerci]

Once it was so cold that my eyes were watering, and when I blinked, my eyelashes froze together. Not lying or exaggerating. I'm from Canada, so.

[DarkHeartedDemoness]

Yuck. Sounds terrible.

[PersephoneX]

Why do people assume that just because I keep to myself, that I’m back on the suicide path again?
If I go quiet it’s usually because I’m thinking about something or trying to focus on what's going on around me. I got a stupid burn on my arm from the iron, and they assume I’ve been near the blades again! They send me for that stupid fucking therapy and I pour my soul out to them and then they do this?!?!? I don’t know whether to laugh or cry anymore. Their lack of faith on my own willpower is astounding! If I spend too much time with my brother, I’m trying to tear the family apart. He’s my best friend, but ooh look, I’m plotting against them! If I go quiet, I’m suicidal and if I get the giggles for more than ten minutes I must be using something!!! All I want is to be left alone!
Yesterday, I got home from work to be told that my brother is leaving town, to go to college. When I spoke to him, he said he needed to get away from this for a while. I feel like its my fault. I’ve made home unstable.

[Mir]

I'm so glad my parents are totally cool with me being a loner, and with my eccentric behaviour. Oh wait, is'nt this the rant thread?

[LaBelleDameSansMerci]

My parents are guilting me again about not being normal. They say I'm normal, but I think they're just in denial. Society has been telling me my whole life that I'm weird, and just when I'm coming to terms with that, my parents are trying to force me to "fit in for my own good."
My dad plants mistrust in my head, so I'm suspicious of just about everyone, and my mom makes me feel guilty for just about everything I do, cuz just about everything I do isn't the normal thing to do. And I can't trust them with knowing about some things because they'll flip and make me feel like a burden. I already feel empty and worthless all the time, and paxil manifestly doesn't help that. It takes away my misery, which was the only thing I had to fill that void. My life is pointless and I have no future.
I'm seeing a councellor, and am on the waiting list for a psychiatrist. I'm on 40 mg of paxil/day, and I'm sitting here wondering what's the point of trying to get better. I'm too lethargic and unmotivated to do anything outside of what I absolutely have to do for class. I still go, but I normally wake about 10 minutes before it starts, let alone 10 minutes before I have to leave... (though I do live on campus, so it's not terribly far, but 10 minutes is not enough to get remotely ready and walk there). I'm not even motivated enough to do art, which is my only passion in life. I do the stuff for class, and that makes me feel good, but...
And my sleeping and appetite are completely off. I had about 3 cookies today, and some frosted flakes, and I'm not anorexic. If anything, I want to gain weight and look healthy for once since I was 10... I've got dark, slightly purple patches under my eyes, and my ribs have started to show when I exhale. My thighs don't touch when I stand straight and my bra's loose. Antidepressants are supposed to help with that, right?
One thing they do help with a bit is my impulse to injure myself, so I do it less often, but when I do, I do it more, and worse. I'm scared of quitting, because it has been a large part of my self-identity for years. Same with my depression/dysthymia. I'm just really frustrated because I don't know what to do. *Grrrrr*
[/rant]

Good luck with the family matters PersephonyX. My friend has some similar problems... as far as I can tell, anway.

[DarkHeartedDemoness]

Don't let it control you.

I'm currently not in school because of something very similar, but I let the feelings I was having take over, and I just sat in my dorm room closet for days... I ended up flunking out. Big mistake. After a summer of intense therapy (I went to an outpatient program at a local hospital), I'm finally feeling like my life is close to on track... But I'm 20 and I have no education and most schools aren't willing to take a risk on someone like me.

I've been told (and I don't know if this is true) that if you're in desperate need of a psychologist (or psychiatrist) the best way to get past the wait lists is to check into the hospital. If you're in danger of self-harm without professional help, you should probably go to the emergency room and tell them that. You may have to spend a night as an inpatient, but they can help you get past the wait lists to get the help you need.

[LaBelleDameSansMerci]

I might do something like that over the summer, but I'm afraid my parents will try to pull me out of school or something like that... Being pulled out of university would not be good for my mental health...

[bleedingheart344]

I am pretty pissed off because I found out that the Cruxshadows are going on tour, and are coming to my area, but it's only 18+. I would be convincing in my platforms, but they would check i.d.

[disorder]

I feel like no one cares about what I say. I don't think anyone respects me anymore, and I don't know why.

[DarkHeartedDemoness]

Hey, sweetie! I missed you. I noticed you haven't been posting around here as much.

I'm sorry that you feel people don't respect you-- I assume you mean in your offline life? I think you're a great person with a lot of energy, and I think you're quite intelligent, too. And you make me smile.

If you want to talk about it more, I'm here. darkhearteddemoness at hot mail dot com. (It's Xng, if you haven't figured it out)

♥

[HumanePain]

Originally Posted by disorder

I feel like no one cares about what I say. I don't think anyone respects me anymore, and I don't know why.

Remember that thread you created, "Annoying Schoolgirl Time", where you asked everyone to help you with your assignment in describing Goth? Almost everyone here at the time answered and took you seriously; they provided serious answers.
I think that demonstrated respect, and also affection (read Jillian's post to that thread: "but I love you"... )


We care about you sweetheart and respect you.


PersephoneX: All I can do is hug you babe. (hugs and gently pat's your back)