Trouble with myself

Kali Maxwell · 03-24-2006, 04:27 AM

A few months ago, I broke up with my fiance, and went my own way. He loved me, I had realized, but he didn't like anything about me. About the only things that made him happy were when I agreed with him, and when I slept with him. He hated the way I made myself look, how I acted, the music and art I liked, the stories I wrote, the friends I had...

I finally said enough was enough, I don't want this, and I left him.

I managed to find someone truly wonderful, but I am having some problems.

I just don't feel like me. My mind, the various parts of my personality, feel fragmented. I've never had trouble starting or maintaining a conversation before, and now I find it hard to even make small talk with people. It's like there's a blockage between brain and tongue. Things that normally frighten me, but not that badly, suddenly terrify me. Usually arguing with my parents, although something I avoid, isn't that big of a deal. Suddenly I'm afraid to say "no" to anything.

I feel totally spineless.

I've always been a quiet, reserved sort of person, but I've always been able to function without a problem.

I'm not quite sure what has happened to me. I don't know if anyone has advice or not, but any sort of suggestion or theory would help.

tenet_2012 · 03-24-2006, 04:31 AM

The is a whole sticky thread for whines just like this one.

It is called Rant Thread...

Empty_Purple_Stars · 03-24-2006, 08:42 AM

Tenet is correct, but I guess we can roll with it here and merge it later..

I have an idea about whats going on, for whatever thats worth.

I would say that the psychological pain of splitting up with your fiance, and accepting that he didn't like you for you, has done a real number on your self-confidence and self-esteem. Even though you're the one who did the breaking up, on some level you are still afraid that being yourself will cause you to lose more of the people you love. It's also caused you to be afraid to even say "Boo" to your own shadow.

The trauma of losing someone you had previously been close too, can really do a number on your self-perceptions. Whether you ended it or not, there is probably some part of you that is still saying "This is all of your fault". " You messed this up, just by being you."

That is of course totally natural..

Self-doubt can be healthy in small amounts, but in can also spread like an Icky Weed within us, if we give it too much energy and attention..

Perhaps you should consider making a list of all of the things you like about yourself VS. all of the things you don't. Maybe even ask the people you love, to tell you what THEY like about you. Or what they think makes you special..

We all deal with the pain of loss in different ways, and its a natural first reaction to blame and question ourselves, even subconciously.

I would suggest though, that perhaps you got involved rather quickly between relationships. A mere couple of months between the end of the engagement, and your new Sweetie, really doesn't allow you much time to heal inside. But thats just an observation.

Just be patient with yourself, and do some serious soul-searching about your Self-Impressions. It's important that you like what you see when you look in the mirror, as much as possible. Its certainly pretty impossible to feel that way all of the time, but its a good goal to reach for nonetheless..

This funk you're in isn't permanent, it will get better. Give it some time and thought.

*Hugs & Stuff*

horrorgirl · 03-24-2006, 09:16 AM

I was in a verbally abusive marriage and after 5 years of being free of him I still have some self esteem issues. It takes time to recover. You have to work out a lot of things and sometimes you will feel confused and not sure of yourself. Never blame yourself for what happened and realise that your opinions and thoughts matter.

Kali Maxwell · 03-29-2006, 05:03 AM

Thank you all for the advice.

I am trying my best to convince myself that there's no reason for me to be shy or embarassed of myself, but I'm well aware that I'll probably be at this for a while. The only real way to proceed is to just keep at it. I will try your suggestion, E_P_S, and once again thank you for your help.

WolfMoon · 03-29-2006, 11:38 AM

Kali, it sounds like you need time to just be alone and be yourself. Without having to worry about what another guy might think of you(even if he thinks the world of you).

I've been there/done that, too.

You need time to build your self esteem back up after being with someone that didn't appreciate your true beauty.