English project

[Joker_in_the_Pack]

In creative writing class we were told to write a chase scene. That's all the instruction. My chase seen involves some Anarcho-Punk protesters being chased by cops down an alley way. A few things that seem random and unimportant will be of more importance later on when I develop the scene into a story. (fabric, hair, etc)




“Stop! Police!” yelled officer Mark O’Harrah. “Why do they never listen?” he asked, bolting down the street and into an alley.
“They’re a couple of no good punk anarchists, if they cared you were a cop, we wouldn’t need to chase them anyway,” panted his partner, officer Shaun McClintock.
Earnest leapt and grasped a fence, planting his boots into the links and scaling it quickly, and he was shortly followed by his girlfriend Elizabeth, who scaled the fence but got her skirt caught in one of the top links as she jumped down. A slight bit of plaid was left at the top of the fence and a small tear in her skirt, which flapped in the wind as she chased after Earnest.
The two slightly heavy-set cops clambered over the fence and stumbled to the bottom, “Stop or we’ll shoot!” yelled Officer O’Harrah as he chased after the kids.
“Oh please,” shouted back Elizabeth with a slight smirk on her face, “you couldn’t hit six o’clock from five-thirty.
“Liz! Keep up!” Earnest screamed at her as he leaped a shopping cart.
Elizabeth caught up with earnest as best as she could. They ducked underneath a broken wooden fence, both of their spiked hair brushed up against it and bounced right back, leaving a few fibers of hair caught in the wood.. Earnest vaulted over an old, overturned refrigerator, and as he landed his foot slipped and he fell to the ground.
Elizabeth helped him quickly to his feet, the cops were fifteen yards behind them, “Are you ok?” she gasped.
“I’m fine.” He reassured her as they turned a corner, “Jesus Christ, some mess we got ourselves into. And to think, it was supposed to be a peaceful protest!” They quickly scaled up a large green dumpster and then the brick wall behind it, pulling themselves onto the roof, “ I think we lost them” he said as the police ran by the dumpster and down the alley.




Thoughts?

[a morbid curiosity]

It's good, though over-written. A lot more "telling" than "showing" going on there.

Shorten your sentences to increase the dramatic effect and the suspense and don't use words like "yelled" and "panted". If they're yelling, show that they are yelling by use of caps. If they're running, they will obviously be panting. If you have to inform the reader of who is talking, use "said".

"The two slightly heavy-set cops clambered over the fence and stumbled to the bottom"

So you've shown that they are heavy-set, but did you really need to use the word "stumbled" there? Cut out all unnecessary words and just leave the bare bones of your writing in order to keep the action going. Also, you might want to check your punctuation in a couple of places.

Those are just a few tips; otherwise it has the potential to be a good piece of writing. Good luck with it.

[MitsyMayhem]

I agree with everything above.
But please, don't take this as an offense.
I took your writing and wrote my own version of part of it.
To sort of give you an example of improvements (as explaining is not my strength)

“Stop! Police!” came the authoritative bellow of Officer Mark O’Harrah. “Why do they never listen?” he asked, pushing through inquisitive spectators and bolting down the street into a nearby alley.
“They’re a couple of no good punk anarchists, if they cared you were a cop, we wouldn’t need to chase them anyway,” panted his partner, officer Shaun McClintock, his large clamoring fingers trying to retain the hold of his hat as they bumbled along.

Earnest leapt and grasped a fence, planting his dark boots into the rusted links and scaled it’s length with ease. Close behind him was a girl, who mimicked his actions, though not with as much tact, and succeeded getting her plaid skirt caught in one of the top links as she attempted to jump down. She pulled. A subtle rip was heard, but they had no time for contemplating marred garments. They continued to dart, foot steps making permanent echoes between the city buildings, a slight bit of plaid billowing in the subtle wind.

Over the fence went the cops, bellies jiggling and breaths short. Yet, they managed, and stumbled to the bottom, straighten up they’re navy attire before continuing at a speedy pace.

I'm in creative writing too and have been writing my own stories since I was 7. It's something I really enjoy and do often in a hobbie.
I didn't want to completely change the story, so I didn't add any thoughts or feelings, but those are two things I suggest.
You're characters need to start building up some depth.

[Joker_in_the_Pack]

Originally Posted by a morbid curiosity

It's good, though over-written. A lot more "telling" than "showing" going on there.

Shorten your sentences to increase the dramatic effect and the suspense and don't use words like "yelled" and "panted". If they're yelling, show that they are yelling by use of caps. If they're running, they will obviously be panting. If you have to inform the reader of who is talking, use "said".

"The two slightly heavy-set cops clambered over the fence and stumbled to the bottom"

So you've shown that they are heavy-set, but did you really need to use the word "stumbled" there? Cut out all unnecessary words and just leave the bare bones of your writing in order to keep the action going. Also, you might want to check your punctuation in a couple of places.

Those are just a few tips; otherwise it has the potential to be a good piece of writing. Good luck with it.

I'm always wary of show vs tell. I was always taught to avoid using the word said repeatedly, because it becomes tedious.

[JCC]

Don't listen to A Morbid Curiosity.

First of all, your sentences should be long. Long sentences are fast-paced, keep the action flowing, short sentences jar terribly and will slow your story down to a crawl.

Do not use caps. Experimentation with caps is used to great effect in some books, but on the whole, it sucks. It looks cheap and betrays a lack of talent of how to communicate the gravity of something with words rather than the size of the letters.

I do agree however that some words are pointless. Keep your writing sharp; don't let it fall into tedium.

[Joker_in_the_Pack]

Originally Posted by MitsyMayhem

I agree with everything above.
But please, don't take this as an offense.
I took your writing and wrote my own version of part of it.
To sort of give you an example of improvements (as explaining is not my strength)

“Stop! Police!” came the authoritative bellow of Officer Mark O’Harrah. “Why do they never listen?” he asked, pushing through inquisitive spectators and bolting down the street into a nearby alley.
“They’re a couple of no good punk anarchists, if they cared you were a cop, we wouldn’t need to chase them anyway,” panted his partner, officer Shaun McClintock, his large clamoring fingers trying to retain the hold of his hat as they bumbled along.

Earnest leapt and grasped a fence, planting his dark boots into the rusted links and scaled it’s length with ease. Close behind him was a girl, who mimicked his actions, though not with as much tact, and succeeded getting her plaid skirt caught in one of the top links as she attempted to jump down. She pulled. A subtle rip was heard, but they had no time for contemplating marred garments. They continued to dart, foot steps making permanent echoes between the city buildings, a slight bit of plaid billowing in the subtle wind.

Over the fence went the cops, bellies jiggling and breaths short. Yet, they managed, and stumbled to the bottom, straighten up they’re navy attire before continuing at a speedy pace.

I'm in creative writing too and have been writing my own stories since I was 7. It's something I really enjoy and do often in a hobbie.
I didn't want to completely change the story, so I didn't add any thoughts or feelings, but those are two things I suggest.
You're characters need to start building up some depth.

I like your writing, although it also felt overly-verbose. You would write good speeches and monologues, though.

[Joker_in_the_Pack]

Originally Posted by JCC

Don't listen to A Morbid Curiosity.

First of all, your sentences should be long. Long sentences are fast-paced, keep the action flowing, short sentences jar terribly and will slow your story down to a crawl.

Do not use caps. Experimentation with caps is used to great effect in some books, but on the whole, it sucks. It looks cheap and betrays a lack of talent of how to communicate the gravity of something with words rather than the size of the letters.

I do agree however that some words are pointless. Keep your writing sharp; don't let it fall into tedium.

I was not going to write with caps. Caps are a cheap parlor trick of writing.
I don't intend on writing short sentences either, I simply don't want to include pointless things in those long sentences.

[JCC]

You should use more verbs to give a sense of pace, the chase scene seems quite sterile, it should always be moving, it should always be active. Also, give more thought to the way a sentence sounds, the way it flows. My version isn't much better, but I think it's got a little better pacing:

“Stop! Police!” yelled officer Mark O’Harrah. “Why do they never listen?”
“They’re a couple of no good anarchists, if they cared you were a cop we wouldn’t need to chase them anyway,” panted his partner, officer Shaun McClintock, as the two of them bolted down the street and into an alleyway.
Earnest leapt and grasped a fence, planting his boots into the links and scaling it quickly, followed by his girlfriend Elizabeth. As she desperately climbed the fence, a piece of her skirt got caught in the links. She tugged it free and chased after Earnest, a small tear in her skirt flapping in the wind.
The heavy-set cops clambered over the fence and stumbled to the bottom, “Stop or we’ll shoot!” yelled Officer O’Harrah as he chased after the kids.
“Oh please,” shouted back Elizabeth, smirking, “you couldn’t hit six o’clock from five-thirty."
“Liz! Keep up!” Earnest screamed at her as he leapt over a shopping cart.
Elizabeth caught up with him as best she could, ducking underneath a broken wooden fence, their spiked hair brushing up against it and bouncing right back, leaving a few fibers of hair caught in the wood. Earnest vaulted over an old, overturned refrigerator, as he landed his foot slipped and he fell to the ground with a thud.
Elizabeth helped him quickly to his feet, the cops were fifteen yards behind them. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” He reassured her as they turned a corner, “Jesus Christ, some mess we got ourselves into. And to think, it was supposed to be a peaceful protest!” They quickly scaled a large green dumpster and then the brick wall behind it, pulling themselves onto the roof as the police ran by the dumpster and down the alley. Earnest stopped for a second, panting heavily with his head tucked into his chest.
"I think we lost them."

[Joker_in_the_Pack]

Originally Posted by JCC

You should use more verbs to give a sense of pace, the chase scene seems quite sterile, it should always be moving, it should always be active. Also, give more thought to the way a sentence sounds, the way it flows. My version isn't much better, but I think it's got a little better pacing:

“Stop! Police!” yelled officer Mark O’Harrah. “Why do they never listen?”
“They’re a couple of no good anarchists, if they cared you were a cop we wouldn’t need to chase them anyway,” panted his partner, officer Shaun McClintock, as the two of them bolted down the street and into an alleyway.
Earnest leapt and grasped a fence, planting his boots into the links and scaling it quickly, followed by his girlfriend Elizabeth. As she desperately climbed the fence, a piece of her skirt got caught in the links. She tugged it free and chased after Earnest, a small tear in her skirt flapping in the wind.
The heavy-set cops clambered over the fence and stumbled to the bottom, “Stop or we’ll shoot!” yelled Officer O’Harrah as he chased after the kids.
“Oh please,” shouted back Elizabeth, smirking, “you couldn’t hit six o’clock from five-thirty."
“Liz! Keep up!” Earnest screamed at her as he leapt over a shopping cart.
Elizabeth caught up with him as best she could, ducking underneath a broken wooden fence, their spiked hair brushing up against it and bouncing right back, leaving a few fibers of hair caught in the wood. Earnest vaulted over an old, overturned refrigerator, as he landed his foot slipped and he fell to the ground with a thud.
Elizabeth helped him quickly to his feet, the cops were fifteen yards behind them. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” He reassured her as they turned a corner, “Jesus Christ, some mess we got ourselves into. And to think, it was supposed to be a peaceful protest!” They quickly scaled a large green dumpster and then the brick wall behind it, pulling themselves onto the roof as the police ran by the dumpster and down the alley. Earnest stopped for a second, panting heavily with his head tucked into his chest.
"I think we lost them."

Hmm, I like that. JCC, can you send me your email in a pm so that I may send my writings to you for assistance and advice? If you don't mind, of course.

[Fatbaby]

You've got my interest. So how does that end JCC?

[Saya]

I like JCC's version, but it just doesn't seem natural the way the characters talk. Where they are running, and panting, why would they say long sentences? The line: “They’re a couple of no good anarchists, if they cared you were a cop we wouldn’t need to chase them anyway,” seems really unnatural for a panting angry cop.

[Despanan]

The dialogue is unnatural and really REALLY corny. Kinda like I'd expect a particularly bad episode of CSI: Miami to sound. You're got some clever quips in there, but they're just so out of place for an actual chase scene. I can't think of anyone dumb enough to yell a "You couldn't hit..." joke at someone who's threatening to open fire on them.

I like the way you're gradually revealing information through the dialogue though. It shows you understand a bit about storytelling, now you just have to get yourself out of the giant clich'e you've mired yourself in.

amc: Show don't tell is pretty good advice for most beginning to intermediate writers, however, judging by the rest of your post you clearly don't understand what "Show Don't tell" means. Using ALLCAPS is not "showing" shouting. The reader will not always assume that a running character is panting, and that discription is fine. SDT usually refers more to aspects of a character or a place. For instance; Instead of writing: "It was a dark and stormy night" you actually describe the weather. Joker's actually doing a pretty good job of painting us a picture of the chase, his main problem seems to be that he's using cartoonish cliche's and unrealistic dialogue.

I don't think that adding a bunch of run-on sentences will really help all that much. While grammatical structure can be used to imply pacing, that's a move you should save for when you're more advanced as a writer.

[Joker_in_the_Pack]

I'm working on revising it right now, I'll post the revision soon, you guys are a great help.

[Joker_in_the_Pack]

Here's my new version






“Stop! Police!” yelled Officer O’Harrah. “Why don’t they ever listen?” he asked, bolting down the street and into an alleyway.
“They’re fucking anarchists,” panted his partner as he chased after him, “If they cared you’re a cop, we wouldn’t be chasing them.”
Earnest leapt and grasped a fence, planting his boots into the links and scaling it rapidly, immediately followed by his girlfriend Elizabeth, who tore her skirt on the top link as she swiftly scaled the fence.
The two slightly heavy-set cops clambered over the fence and one drew his pistol.
“Stop or we’ll shoot!” warned Officer O’Harrah as he chased after the kids.
“Liz! Keep up!” Earnest screamed as he leaped a shopping cart.
Elizabeth caught up with Earnest as best as she could, scraping her shoulder on a brick wall as she turned the corner after him, swearing under her breath at her scrape.
Earnest vaulted over an old, overturned refrigerator, losing his footing and falling to the ground with a thud.
Elizabeth hurriedly helped him to his feet, as the cops were fifteen yards behind them, “Are you ok?” she gasped.
“I’m fine.” He reassured her as they turned another corner, “Jesus Christ, some mess we got ourselves into. And to think, it was supposed to be a peaceful protest!”
They quickly sprung off a large green dumpster and scaled the brick wall behind it, pulling themselves onto the roof and lying down on the hot asphalt shingles.
“I think we lost them.”

[Godslayer Jillian]

I like it, but now that I get more of the context of the story, then the first sentence doesn't make much sense.
If the cop had just yelled "Freeze!" that means he caught them in the act. That's more for petty vandalism, or guerilla action.
If they were in a peaceful protest, then you're not describing what happened in it (and I don't think you should at least for the beginning), and it just doesn't follow that the cop is barely screaming to them to halt.
I want to know others' opinions on this, but I think it would be better if you begin the story with "Why don't they ever listen?", taking away the "Stop! Police!" If anything, it gives the story a sense that there was already something going on (which there was) instead of the reader coming at precisely the pivotal moment, you know?

[Joker_in_the_Pack]

Hey, that's a solid idea mate! I guess it does seem a bit silly, they're yelling freeze at people who already started running. Hmm...


You know Jillian, a lot of my knowledge of Anarchism and Communism came from you or was started by you, so you are a part of why this story even exists.

[JCC]

I can't seem to send you a PM, but my email is: jcc-mgs@hotmail.co.uk

[Joker_in_the_Pack]

I probably don't have enough posts or some garbage.

[a morbid curiosity]

Heh, I only gave tips so as to contribute an idea to a piece of writing for a creative writing class, not to contribute an idea to a piece of earth-shattering literature.

New version: you repeat "as he", "as they" a fair bit. You might want to watch that.

[Despanan]

Originally Posted by Joker_in_the_Pack

I probably don't have enough posts or some garbage.

DAMN YOU GOTHIC.NET!

It's reading a bit better now, though you need to work on the actual structure of the paragraphs.

I noticed 3 things this time:

1) Give a little physical description of Ernest as he climbs the fence (and no list of measurements and stuff ie: "Ernest was a young man of twenty with black-eyeliner and a skinny puppy T-shirt..." That kind of description should be left for pornographic fanfics.) I thought that Ernest was a cop at first.

2) It seems a little odd that cops would draw a gun while running. For that matter, what the hell did these people do that warranted gunning down scared kids?

3) “Jesus Christ, some mess we got ourselves into. And to think, it was supposed to be a peaceful protest!”

How many people have you actually heard say "And to think" conversationally (let alone in moments of extreme stress). No one talks like this. You're over-writing the dialogue, which is a common enough mistake (I catch myself doing it from time to time).

In highschool, we're trained to be overly wordy & flowery with our writing. Usually young writers make their character too articulate for this reason. Everyone needs to get away from this as it's the hallmark of amateur dialogue.

All in all, this is improving. I'd actually like to see more of the chase now. I also love that you named the guy Ernest. "Ernest the Anarchist" is awesome.

[LiUsAiDh]

With regards to your first point. I think...

"Ernest was a young man of twenty with black-eyeliner and a skinny puppy T-shirt..."

removes the pace a little. I thought the way it was written, with the boots, was quite subtle and worked well.

The wording ('grasped a fence') makes it seem like he is leading, not following, hence, he is not a cop. Otherwise it would say he 'grasped the fence'.

[Despanan]

Originally Posted by LiUsAiDh

With regards to your first point. I think...



removes the pace a little. I thought the way it was written, with the boots, was quite subtle and worked well.

The wording ('grasped a fence') makes it seem like he is leading, not following, hence, he is not a cop. Otherwise it would say he 'grasped the fence'.

Read my post, I was using that an an example of what not to do.

[LiUsAiDh]

Originally Posted by Despanan

Read my post, I was using that an an example of what not to do.

Ah, yes. Damnit.

[Despanan]

I was thinking of something more along the lines of:

...Rust flaked of the weathered chain-link fence as Ernest hastily scrambled over it, his hands a flurry of pale skin and black-painted nails....

Now we have much more of a picture of the setting, we're learning a bit about Ernest, and it's immediately clear that he's not one of the cops.

I'm going to restate that the run-on sentences do nothing for the story or the pacing. It just makes it look like Joker doesn't understand proper grammar.

Let's put this chase scene in the terms of a drawing. Right now Joker has a rough sketch, he needs to add detail and shading.

[Joker_in_the_Pack]

The reason I didn't describe as much as because I didn't want to bog shit down the scene in details. I wanted to get all the necessary details, and fast. I might add something about fleeing from the cops in the beginning to make it more clear Earnest is not a cop.

If people are wondering why Earnest and Elizabeth for names:

The Importance of being EARNEST
and ELIZABETH Barret Browning