Wanted: Communications Specialist

[triggerhappi26]

ok so the issue is my relationship with my mother. I want her in my life cause well she's the only semblance of family I still have.

Not that there is like some big tragedy in my family, my mom and dad divorced a while back and she moved to British Columbia along with my brother. I stayed with my dad but well he's a prick and not that normal controlling father type more the verbally/physically abusive, lock you in the closet, hairy assed bastard kind of prick. Wah Wah Wah whatever that's old news and I don't care anymore. But it did however drive me to move to B.C with my mom. Which is fine any way he's with a new woman who has two of her own kids and they had a baby together so it's not like I fit into that family dynamic.

When I came here my brother was heading back to Newfoundland, he and my mom didn't agree at all. Once he moved back he just didn't want to talk to myself or my mom anymore, and he's moving on with his life and I can respect that.

My mom is now with her own bf living with him. We did used to be close, but not so much now.

Mostly it's because of my bf, he's 54 whereas I'm 19, this is a constant point of argument between us.

Though it's not like we had a healthy relationship before that because we had a major blow up before I was even together with my bf.

That fight was my fault. In the end of September 2009 I had an accident at my job. I was working in a production plant and I had gone up to the second level and was sitting on a pallet throwing bundles of fliers down to the other workers. I leaned back when yawning, the pallet hadn't been fixed in place, without the fliers to keep it balance I fell from 7 feet up to the concrete floor and it fell on top of me. The injuries weren't as bad as they could have been, 11 stitches, a couple of broken ribs, a broken leg and a sprained wrist. In the first week of October just afterwords there was another incident that landed me back in the hospital.

When I was home again, I was alone. I had called my mom while still in hospital but she never did come and try to help me and I was pissed off at that. I called her and we got in an argument and I had said something along the lines of you wouldn't stop fucking your new arm candy long enough to help your only daughter when she needed you, and I went onto say that she was ungrateful because I stood by her while she went through AA. I was cruel and hurtful and we didn't talk for over a month, and when we did start talking again it was mostly me apologizing profusely not that it makes up for what I said but it's the best I can do.

There was a bit of animosity between us since then but things were getting a little better and I did talk about this new relationship but a little while ago she found out about this age difference and she just won't talk to me without us arguing now.

I won't leave my bf, I love him. I do love my mom so I do want to have her in my life, but if I have to make the choice between love and happiness or her then she is going to lose.

I don't know how to explain this to her in a kind way and that I want her to still be around. How can I communicate to her? How do I fix this relationship?

I'd really appreciate some help, I am at a loss for what to say.

[Catch]

You worry too much. Seriously sometimes the best way is to let go. Let go of your aniety and fear. Your probably under a lot of stress so relax. As long as you keep trying to find problems, you will. In a year, when the dust settles and the new environment is comfortable, it will be easier to go on, because there won't be as much bull to work through.

Also be empathetic to her. She is probably experiencing a lot of stress also with the divorce, new boyfriend and worrying about how it is all going to be okay. In a year or so everyone will see it was just an adjustment. Also friends can be great. Talking to people helps blow off some steam.

I know about stress. The first year is always so hard. Everything seems so impossible and then after some time it all starts seeming like that's the way it should have always been and it is easier to go on with life. The hard part is not saying something you didn't really mean and having it come up over-an-over again. It bugs me when people do that. I still have issues with my sister because she has no empathy in realizing sometimes I just want to be left alone and I'll say anything to get her to back off.

[triggerhappi26]

Well, I need to tell her I'll be moving in with my bf soon but I'm not sure if I should.

On the friends note, it's unfourtunate that I spend all my time alone except when with my bf. I haven't really got any friends anymore not since I moved, I mean I have co workers who I casually talk to but outside that nothing.

[d0p3y]

Do what you think its best, would be my advice.

[triggerhappi26]

I dont really know what is best, that's the problem I think.

[Apathy's_Child]

If what you've posted here really is the whole truth and nothing but, then virtually all of the wrong here rests with your parents. If they don't see that, then whether you can work it out depends on whether you can tolerate them in your life as they are. It's sad, as the lack of a family who loves you enough to put petty shit aside when the chips are down leaves a big hole, but unfortunately that seems to be the way it is.

If they're willing to accept at least some blame, and make at least some small changes, it could happen. it may not hurt as much when they fuck up if you can see they at least care about you enough to try. But you won't know without talking to your mom. I guess you could start with an apology - I don't think you diid anything that isn't understandable if events were exactly s reported, but it might start things on the right footing better than a flood of accusations would. Tell her you're sorry for what you said, and you'd like to have a better relationship with her, but you feel hurt by her treatment of you and you would like it if you could BOTH try to do better. If it doesn't mean anything to her that she's important enough to you for you to try patching things up, unfortunately you're back to square one, and your choice is to eat shit, or lose each other. It's a tough one and I hope it works out.

[triggerhappi26]

This is going to be one long painful conversation it seems.

I'm pretty sure that's all the details that are pertinent, of course I'm not going to go telling my whole life story in this thread.

[Apathy's_Child]

No, I get that. I just think if you're gonna throw down on something that could affect whether or not you have a family for the rest of your life, it's important to think things over and be sure you're as right as you think you are.

I'm not accusing you of lying or anything. I just know how easy it is to feel wronged while justifying over your own wrongs. Nobody's perfect, and pretty much every human being who ever walked has been guilty of it at some point, but with the big choices it's important to be painfully fair in allocating responsibility.

If you feel you've had no part in how things have gone, then go to town, because nobody has the right to make you miserable for something that is in no way of your own making.

[triggerhappi26]

Wel I know I've done wrong by my mom, when she was moving across country I chose to finish school with my friends instead of going with her and finishing it in BC.

Of course the fight was all my fault, I chewed her out and that is something I have to live with and as much as I can apologize you can't take back words once they're said.

But I've been a good daughter and honestly my mom means a lot to me. It's just not that easy to explain that I won't give up someone I love just because he's older than me.

[Frenn]

Note that there has been all kinds of helpful advice, and less flaming than Id imagine you anticipated.

And as for advice, I think that outside whats been given, I have nothing to say but this:

Dont be afraid to bring up strong subjects when talking with family.

[triggerhappi26]

I know, no one said anything at all hurtful and the advice I've been given is very kind.

[ape descendant]

I am not trying to be hurtful... just gonna tell ya what I think.

I confess that I do now know you very well or your mom at all. But given the very, incredibly limited information I have, I'mma call it as I see it.

I'm sure that your mom is worried about you, for many reasons. For one, its not exactly favorable for a guy who's in his mid 50's to go for a barely legal teenager. From the outside looking in it looks kinda bad, it really makes one wonder why he can't seem to score a lady his own age. Second off, she's probably wondering what you guys really have in common, and what your relationship is based on. These may not be things that she's conciously aware of feeling.

Other than that, spats happen, especially when one is feeling vulnerable and in need of their mom. I certainly understand the resentment that can lead to being very nasty, especially to one who perhaps, should have been there either way.

It is often a good idea to examine the roots of your feelings and understand that the main cause is not always immediately visible and sometimes takes a little digging before one really expresses them, especially when they are going to lead to a lot of ugliness.

Remember that your mom is a human being. Mom's are fallable, but experienced, sometimes its that experience that is speaking through them.

Last but not least. Talk to her, talk openly and honestly. Express yourself frankly with out being overbearing.

Part of becomming a full adult, is learning to make peace with and possibly build a friendship with one's parents.

[triggerhappi26]

Not hurtful at all.

Though just in defense of my bf, it's not that he can't get a girl his own age beause he has, we were friends first mostly because we do have a hell of a lot in common, from movies, music, an odd interest in the paranormal, hobbies all the way to values and beliefs, in some ways it's eerie.

[Saya]

I don't think ape was insinuating that that was the case with your boyfriend, but thats probably what your mom thinks. My mom would freak too. I think thats going to be something that she's just going to need time to adjust to.

While the divorce may be old news its a huge life change, and I'm sure AA was too, and your mom is probably trying to figure out what she wants for herself, you know? She doesn't know yet how to strike the balance between her own wants and needs and the needs of her kids. I think she's still in the wrong for the most part, but it can't be easy for her. I think you should apologize like Apathy said, not because you did anything wrong but it would smooth out the tensions, and would open her up to talking. If another argument brews up the best thing to do is to walk away before anyone says regrettable things.

Also, do you live together? Is it possible to move out? Sometimes it can just be that you're sick of looking at each other all the time, the only reason I get along with some of my family is because we hardly see each other anymore.

[triggerhappi26]

No we don't live together.

[Saya]

Ah. Try to apologize then and if she still doesn't ease up, leave her be for a while, you don't need to cut her off but a break would be a good thing.

[triggerhappi26]

I suppose.

Should I slow down my plans for moving in with my bf?

[ape descendant]

Yeah, slow down. You have plenty of time to do whatever... and so does he.

And Saya is pretty awesome and perceptive.. listen to her.

[triggerhappi26]

Saya has to be awesome she's a newfie it's in our DNA

[Saya]

Oh there's plenty of newfie fail to go around >.> Haven't you met a skeet? Or that right to life guy at MUN?

[triggerhappi26]

omg I haven't hear about a skeet in forever.

I love having you around Saya <3

[M.Valdemar]

Originally Posted by triggerhappi26

omg I haven't hear about a skeet in forever.

I love having you around Saya <3

What is a Skeet?

[triggerhappi26]

Urban Dictionary to the rescue:

Skeet

Term local to Newfoundland, particular the Metropolitan St. John's region.

A. 1. A person who makes deliberate attempts at starting trouble in public places, usually picking fights with anyone passing by, or by shouting insults and obscenities at random people.

2. Usually characterised by choice of music (predominantly rap), and style of dress (much bling-bling, EXCO clothing/Columbia jackets)

3. Perhaps most closely related to the North American "wigger" (white ******), they attempt to personify the agressive afro-american culture embodied in rap music. This, again, is done through loud blasting of rap, their style of dress, and inexplicable agression.
Perhaps better explained as an overagressive wigger, in many cases.

4. Verbally, can be distinguished by liberal peppering of any conversation with "fuck(ing)" "******" "queer", or any combination of the aforementioned. Often used in both private conversation with friends (eg.: "Buddy, you're some fuckin' queer, wha?"), or in public address, in psuedo-attempts at agression ("FUCKIN' ******! Yeah, walk away, you FUCKIN' PANSY QUEER!").

5. Usually associated with vices of society - excessive drinking and smoking, oftentimes with drug use.

6. Usually found at their peak between the ages of 12 and 18. Younger than twelve, they are usually psuedo-skeets, who put forth such an appearance for public display.

feminine form of skeet - Squaw.

[triggerhappi26]

On a completely unrelated note,

I talked to my bf we're slowing down our plans to move in together, I told him it wasn't just the mom issue but also that I want to work through my paranoia in being outside. He said he thought it was definitely a good idea and that a radical scenery change when I hadn't worked though my issues would only make them worse.

Going out to dinner with my mom tomorrow; wish me luck.

[Ben Lahnger]

Okay, first, there are probably gems of helpful truth in what a few people here have said. But I'll say what I usually say in these types of threads ... an internet forum (Gothic or otherwise) where you ask the average user for advice is probably not your best resource. In fact, probably not even in the top 100 best options.

You asked for a communications specialist, as if the solution was just finding the right way to communicate with your mom. As evidenced by your first post here, it's clear you have no problem expressing yourself. There's not a way to say things that's more subtle or nuanced that will get your mom to hear, understand and accept your feelings and intentions and be supportive of you. This issue isn't a matter of translation ... it's a matter of conductivity ... and interference.

So, of all the problems that are apparent in your familial relations based on your original post in this thread, I'll just deal with one aspect ... which, as a microcosm of the whole, may shed some enlightenment.

Your mother objects to and criticizes your relationship with your boyfriend, overtly because you are 19 and he is 54. It is true most people's mothers would have reasonable qualms about the age gap in that relationship (and the dysfunction in your family life even brings up the idea that it's fair to ask the question "Are you looking for a stable father figure in your dating life?") But we have to determine if that's really the issue, or if the problem is an illness of larger scope and this is just a symptom.

So the question is, does your mother criticize your choice of boyfriend in the way that most mothers would be concerned about their young daughter dating a significantly older man, or would she have objections to any boyfriend you might find some happiness with? The answer to this (if you have no previous boyfriend history to go by) should be evident by how supportive she is of you in other things. Based on what you said about your time in hospital and her lack of support there, I think the answer is obvious. In my estimation, you could drop the 54 year old and start dating a 24 year old tomorrow, and she would find other excuses ... er, reasons to criticize that relationship.

Now here is the most important piece of wisdom anyone in this thread is going to give to you: You can't make anyone else change if they don't want to. You can only change yourself.

I know a woman who is approaching 50 years old, and it's taken her most of this time to recognize and accept that there's nothing she can ever do to make her mother treat her better. And it took too long for her to figure out that every effort she made to bridge that gap was just another opportunity for her mother to hurt her again. And it took far too long for her to figure out that the damaged feeling she had inside wasn't going to get fixed by trying to normalize the relationship with her family ... she had to work on repairing herself.

For a person who is the daughter of an alcoholic and who is struggling with such very difficult family issues, I'm suggesting that these might be better resources than the well-meaning but ill-equipped membership of a Gothic website:

Al-Anon/Alateen of Newfoundland and Labrador - WEBSITE

Adult Children of Alcoholics Worldwide - WEBSITE
(while I couldn't find Newfoundland specific meeting info, there are some internet resources listed)

WORLD Federation for Mental Health: WEBSITE

Life Line INTERNATIONAL: WEBSITE

It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot