Worries for a friend

roserougesang · 05-02-2006, 04:43 AM

I have some worries about one of my friends.

We've been very good friends since we were both 5 (we're both 15) and we've always had fun together. But lately she's become friends with a large group of people in the city. It's great that she has made so many new friends but many of the people in the group drink, smoke and do drugs. She's started smoking and drinking (she called me up once when she was blind drunk) and I'm afraid she'll soon start doing drugs as well. I've told her I'm worried about her and she doesn't seem to care. In a subtle way, she seems to be picking on me for being 'straight-edge' and not joining her. I don't know what to do, I still want to stay good friends with her.
Can anyone help me out with this problematic dilemma?

Blushing Heliophobe · 05-02-2006, 05:18 AM

I had this happen to me once.

Sometimes friendships can be like a hole. There's times when you can reach in and help someone out. But then, there are times when you can reach out to them and be pulled or fall right in with them.

The difference is when they WANT to come out.

I think that you should let her know that you will always support her and you love her, but that you can't support and love what she's doing. You can't change her actions but you can let her know that you will be there for her.

Other than that, people will do what they want to do...you can't liver her life for her dear.

Mistress-Liriel · 05-02-2006, 05:22 AM

*sigh* My 16-year old sister was just killed for hanging out in this same exact scenario. Her friends were supposed 'Goths'. They all got blind drunk and high one night, and the 'adult' - a 19-year old, tried to drive them home. He was driving recklessly, and the kids demanded to get out. He pulled over, my sister yelled at him that he shouldn't be driving, opened the door, and he took off. The door and her head were slammed into a pole, and she was thrown under the car.

You want to help your friend? Make her uncomfortable. Tell her what can happen. You need visual aids? Google "Jessica Easter" in the news portion, and let her see what happens. I was drinking alot when I was young. My best friend was killed when I was 14. I never drank like that again. Sometimes it takes a dose of reality to wake up from what seems like a fun, glorious dream.

You are an absolute doll, and very smart. I commend you for your courage and will to help your friend. The sad reality is, you may not be able to change her mind. But try, and know that if the chips fall, she will need your support again. All you can do is offer her advice, back it up with facts, and hope that she never has to find out exactly what can happen the hard way.

~L

Draconysius · 05-03-2006, 07:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mistress-Liriel

*sigh* My 16-year old sister was just killed for hanging out in this same exact scenario. Her friends were supposed 'Goths'. They all got blind drunk and high one night, and the 'adult' - a 19-year old, tried to drive them home. He was driving recklessly, and the kids demanded to get out. He pulled over, my sister yelled at him that he shouldn't be driving, opened the door, and he took off. The door and her head were slammed into a pole, and she was thrown under the car.
~L

That must have been a very unsettling situation, Liriel. I hope your family and friends can survive the anguish. You really must choose your friends wisely. Put your safety first, your ego second.

As for Rouge, I don't think you should even concern yourself with her. If she actually is that hollow and stupid, there's nothing you can do. If you really care for her, though, all you can do is ask her to cease. If she won't listen, there's really not much you can do about it.

ScissorLegs · 05-03-2006, 08:19 PM

all i can say is pepole come and pepole go ...

Magpie_Tendencies · 05-03-2006, 08:26 PM

ScissorLegs - How about you go introduce yourself in the introductions forum before posting. Also, 'Pepole' is not a word. It's spelt 'People'. When you spell it wrong once, it's a typo. When you spell it wrong twice, you're either dyslexic or an idiot.

roserougesang - Sadly, in this situation, there's not a lot that you can do. You can try to help your friend and you can support her but it's her choice in the end and all you can do is make sure that you don't fall into the same trap with her.

WizardElement5 · 05-03-2006, 08:52 PM

Hi roserougesang. I don't think merely telling your friend not to do something she obviously sees as fun will work. It may only increase the distance between the two of you. You have to think, "Why is she doing this? Why is she mixing with this new crowd?" The probable answer is that she wants more excitement in her life, to develop new relationships, (ones that she sees as being more adult), and to hang out with people that she thinks, (very well mistakenly), are more mature.
Maybe you should try and join in with her new desires? Definitely not with the drug-taking crowd which you feel are a potential danger to her, but the two of you together could go to new clubs and enjoy chatting up boys/girls (whichever). You could both have the fun and excitement she seems to desire, but by you being there, you could show her that you don't have to get blind drunk, or take drugs to have a really good time. Hope you can find a solution and keep your friendship going. Good luck!

Cicero · 05-04-2006, 02:33 AM

If this has only been happening recently, there's a good chance she's only experimenting, in which case the drinking and smoking phase could be very short-lived.

The best thing to do is perhaps drop hints about the dangers of what she's doing, but don't be too pushy or condescending, as that will probably only drive her further away from you. Instead show her that you're fun to be around, too, and perhaps she'll realise that she doesn't need alcohol and cigarettes to have a good time.

Teenagers can be such fickle creatures at times, but believe me, even if she does get taken in by this crowd, she can't possibly stay with them forever.

roserougesang · 05-05-2006, 05:26 AM

Thank you so much for all the help so far.
I've talked to her but she said that if I'd been through what she had been through I would behave the same way.
I hope it is just a phase though.

4mytribe · 05-05-2006, 08:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blushing Heliophobe

I had this happen to me once.

Sometimes friendships can be like a hole. There's times when you can reach in and help someone out. But then, there are times when you can reach out to them and be pulled or fall right in with them.

The difference is when they WANT to come out.

I think that you should let her know that you will always support her and you love her, but that you can't support and love what she's doing. You can't change her actions but you can let her know that you will be there for her.

Other than that, people will do what they want to do...you can't liver her life for her dear.

Wow pretty much doesnt get any better than that. The only thing I can say is alot of times things that are a ton of fun now have a way of biting you later. Its hard to think of the big picture when your freakin 15 though.

4mytribe · 05-05-2006, 08:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Xnguela

PS- close your fucking scissorlegs and never reproduce.

Uhhhhhh Priceless

rubystar · 05-18-2006, 08:58 AM

I'm sorry to hear that, it's awful watching friends fall in with the wrong crowd.

Drugs can be a headfuck as it is but at 15 it's just plain stupid, I wasted some of the most important years of my life educationally smoking pot and had to go back and redo some of it. Got where I needed to go but that's not the point. I wish I'd discovered drugs at not such an impressionable age and had the coping resources to deal with them.

If your friend does fall into that trap she will need somebody to turn to in order to get away from it all, somebody who won't judge and just be there. You can play that role and show her how to have fun without needing to get wasted. That kind of lifestyle can make people cautious of being open about these issues with people who don't subscribe to it and it's hard to find people who will just accept and help you out. Good luck.

Alaizabel Cray · 08-03-2006, 03:49 PM

I have some similar concerns about a friend of my own. She's not into the drugs and alchohol scene, but she's very desperate for attention. She complains about girls at our school being "such sluts" when she doesn't act much different. In fact, the only difference is that she's never with a guy who actually goes to our school (so she can brag about him without the complications of ever being seen with him?), and often not even living in the same state which wouldn't be a problem if they actually knew each other in person. She's 15, I'm 14. She's had 4 boyfriends so far and there's nothing wrong with that, but one of them was based off of a random hook-up (she'd only known the guy for about 12 hours), and in another she and the guy were "going steady" when they only got a chance to talk online and sometimes over the phone. Is it just me or is it impossible to fall in "love" with someone over the internet before you really meet them in person? Then this nternet boyfriend comes to Cali with his friends because they're all counselors at a nearby Boy Scout summer camp. He broke up with her like, the week before for whatever reason. She goes to the movies with him and his friends (some of which live here and were already her friends so she wasn't being a total idiot by going out with a group of 17-19 year-old guys when she's 15 and not very capable of handling herself) and makes out with the ex-boyfriends best friend. Idiotic much? Especially when she claims to still be "in love" with the ex. And when she's around guys and I'm there, it's like I'm some kid she's babysitting. She treats me like I'm about 10, and purposefully makes comments about "innocent little Jessi" and such to the guys simply because I haven't technically ever had a boyfriend. Is that such a crime for me to actually want to like a guy before going out with him? This gives the guys the impression that I think they all have cooties or some such nonsense and I feel like such a loser because when I try to defend myself and make my point that I'm not a little kid and she needs to stop treating me like one, she'll make some stupid, annoying comment to make me seem below her, or use my flaws against me (i.e. making blatant references to the meds I'm on, and asking if she needs to call my mom to bring me some, which I don't appreciate. It's just one of those things that I don't like to tell people right off the bat. "Hi, nice to meetcha, by the way I have a chemical imbalance in my brain so I'm on meds and if I forget to take them, expect a massive panic attack and please call my mother or someone who can manage to get me to start breathing again.") I don't typically care what people think of me, but a so-called friend shouldn't be dissing me right in front of my face. She wasn't always like this. It was once her hormones kicked in and she realized that she is indeed attracted to boys that this all started. I don't want her to make a dumb decision that she's going to regret. But I can't seem to get it through to her that what she's doing is ultimately hurting her. Any ideas, anyone?

Alaizabel Cray · 08-03-2006, 03:49 PM

Wow, really long post, maybe I should have just gone to the rant thread. Sorry.