Born Again's Oath to Tragedy

[Born Again]

Enough with the talk, I'll take the action.

This is a little tragedy that I've worked up over the past 20 minutes. Part of my experimentation with meter.

No title at the moment.

Defeated, where thine eyes are closed to glee,
Yet a sheen oath you cleverly pose thee.
It not be I, let her riots grow to roar,
Where hearts of mercy peer to shadowed shores.
Should you deny such claims set forth to you,
Be not the myth, but the fate ye issue.
A reclusive state you will indeed thrive,
With pleas of regret, never to revive.
Whom's heart lay tattered, beating in a stir,
A mind of fury, awaits thee trickster.
Hath you offered thee a confiding hand,
One should not awake in earth's concrete sands.
As beloved lye in the night's close tomb,
A bloody bath spews in life's troth of doom.

[Pyre]

I don't know what to think of it, aside from interesting. Though, you could revise it and fix some of the grammatical errors.

[Born Again]

I agree, too many commas. I also broke it down so it would be easier to read.

Defeated, where thine eyes are closed to glee.
Yet a sheen oath you cleverly pose thee.

If not be I, let her riots grow to roar,
where hearts of mercy peer to shadowed shores.

Should you deny such claims set forth to you,
be not the myth, but the fate ye issue.

A reclusive state you will indeed thrive,
with pleas of regret, never to revive.

Whom's heart lay tattered, beating in a stir.
A mind of fury awaits the trickster.

Hath you offered thee a confiding hand,
one should not awake in earth's concrete sands.

As beloved lye in the night's closed tomb,
a bloody bath spews in life's troth of doom.

[Born Again]

As beloved lye in the night's closed tomb,
a bloody bath spews in life's troth of doom.

Change lye to lie

[Pyre]

I meant more that "Whom's" is not a real word, it should be "whose". Also, "It not be I" is poor use of the English language. The closest translation I can substitute that with is "It is not I," but your poem is difficult to make sense of, and therefore I don't know how this works, either way.

[Born Again]

As far as correcting "whom's" to "whose," I'll agree. But as for the other, I will not.

The great thing about poetry is that you can sometimes ignore proper grammar. Do you read Emily Dickinson? Many of her poems are perfect examples. You can still write good poetry, even if it does require bending the rules a bit. Poetry gives us this freedom.

[Godslayer Jillian]

Haha, I knew it was a good idea.

[Born Again]

So far, my ego is still at a standard level.

*No one dare leave a complement, we wouldn't want to tip the scales*

[BlackButterfly]

(This is not a jab, but an honest question...)

Should the title of this thread/poem be "...Ode to Tragedy"? I'm asking because

"ode" = poem, usually lyrical in style

while

"oath" = solemn promise

Of course, there could be some unmentioned promise you swore to yourself to finish the poem you started, but I'm just asking...

Also, I do like the wording (Shakespearean-era English is so lovely), but I too find parts of it a bit difficult to understand...

[Born Again]

I named the thread "Oath to Tragedy" because if you haven't already noticed, most of the poems that I write are "tragic" or contain mainly negative aspects. (I do have a small amount of positive poems as well)

The title basically refers to my writing style and usual topic of choice, "tragedy." It is here where I will be posting all of my poetry. Make sense?

As for the poem's meaning, think of a naive maiden who has been betrayed by her lover. She was devastated and furious altogether, resulting in his murder and her death as well.

[BlackButterfly]

Nah, it's not that--I get the gist of this poem, but it's certain lines that I don't know exactly what you mean... like

...a bloody bath spews in life's troth of doom.

That one throws me off a little... "Troth" is a promise or a pledge, did you mean "trough", like container? Both make sense, but in different ways... I've seen cases where a person uses one but means the other...

but maybe I'm just reading too much into it... I've had a bout of over-analyzing things today... and a mean headache (I'm just glad I didn't have to work under these conditions...)

[Born Again]

...a bloody bath spews in life's troth of doom.

Otherwise, she received life's promise of doom. The poem signifies that everyone is promised to die, in one way or another.

::Edit::

The line signifies that everyone is promised to die, in one way or another.

[HumanePain]

I liked it. I like to read this style out loud.

[Paper_Wings]

I personaly liked it as well. I thought it was very good.

[Born Again]

The Guiding Light

Grasp onto this guiding light,
Be not the one who curtains his sight.

For I am not the one who frowns,
It be the lonesome arbiter who shields thy crowns.

Taste this fruit to flee His hands,
Seek one's place amongst My noble lands.

Accept this cloak to shield thy foe,
For He is not the one who comforts ye throe.

Do not seek the promised lands,
For I do not offer a helping hand.

[om3gag0th666]

Archaic spelling, and Middle-English does not a poem make.

Do you people really think a person like Emily Dickinson would have written the way you guys would have? She wrote with COLLOQUIAL DICTION.

Go look that up.

[LostAndCrazy]

I dont care what anyone thinks, I LOVE it.

Emily Dickinson has already done it her way,
she's dead and gone,
lets move on.

*No disrepect to Emily Dickinson*

[HumanePain]

Originally Posted by om3gag0th666

Archaic spelling, and Middle-English does not a poem make.

Do you people really think a person like Emily Dickinson would have written the way you guys would have? She wrote with COLLOQUIAL DICTION.

Go look that up.

Poor OmegaGoth: not only does he confuse "3"s for "E"s, he can't see past words to the idea and appreciate the beauty of another's imagination. I pity him.

As for Born Again's poem: I envisage an alternate view of Jesus; am I close?

[HumanePain]

Originally Posted by HumanePain

Poor OmegaGoth: not only does he confuse "3"s for "E"s, he can't see past words to the idea and appreciate the beauty of another's imagination. I pity him.

As for Born Again's poem: I envisage an alternate view of Jesus; am I close?

Ugh...sorry Omega. I get crabby when flying all day and being up for 20 hours straight.
Old age.

[Born Again]

Originally Posted by HumanePain

Poor OmegaGoth: not only does he confuse "3"s for "E"s, he can't see past words to the idea and appreciate the beauty of another's imagination. I pity him.

As for Born Again's poem: I envisage an alternate view of Jesus; am I close?

Actually, I was aiming more towards Satan, the "Great Deceiver."

[HumanePain]

Originally Posted by Born Again

Actually, I was aiming more towards Satan, the "Great Deceiver."

haha, I am religiously dyslexic.

[Born Again]

Originally Posted by HumanePain

haha, I am religiously dyslexic.

Actually, the poem could had been directed towards Jesus. It all depends on your beliefs. A poem's meaning is how you interpret it.

Because I know other people will be reading my poems, I always embed a "life lesson" of some sort. In my opinion, if a poem doesn't give you anything in return for reading it, it shouldn't be read.

[Born Again]

A small poem pleading my desire to seek purpose.

A chance, to behold the stars.
To seek the earth's dainty blossoms risen in me.
Only to depart one's lair,
To know the offerings given.
Unfold before me, the bolted pathways promised
Oh feathery light
Rise into me,
I plead.

[Born Again]

I haven't written anything in several weeks, a result of my feelings of doubt as an amateur writer.

I recently gained the courage to attempt another poem....but it's not at all complete. In order to get better and continue writing the poem, I need to know what I need to fix...so constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated.

The introduction poem below reflects the personal journey towards a relationship with God. Here is the "take off."

Worthy to Love

Beneath the cross skies I cast out the Love,
Who shadowed this absence and mended it above.

In the midst of His den of cotton and brine,
I sigh in dismay of a light not shined.

For whom may I rely, am I not declared the sun?
For whose vow may I take to sliver and shun.

Before this temple an offering was given,
Blessings for devout and opportunities unriven.

With walls built of nurtured stones and chambers worthy of way,
You cast out His snakes and ruin and guided them astray.

[Born Again]

I'm going to resurrect my old poetry thread, what happened to that concept of personal threads for consistent writers? I think it's an idea worth keeping. Anyways, I'll re-post my newer ones from the poetry thread along with another.


This is an unnamed triolet, my first actually:

In God's will, I shall welcome you
If heart beholds the might.
To share this eternity fair and true
In God's will, I shall welcome you
Whose past is filled with promising virtue,
To distinguish the man from the slight
In God's will, I shall welcome you
If heart beholds the might.

This heart will forever be unto you,
In passion, in life I will succeed.
And with night's of strife and rue,
This heart will forever be unto you.
For life is only a grayish hue,
When One' is lost my heart may bleed.
This heart will forever be unto you,
In passion, in life I will succeed.

When life has deemed you farewell,
My mind shall be you, through and through,
In this heart my pledge will dwell,
When life has deemed you farewell.
In grace, this heart shall never expel,
The memories of life one once knew,
When life has deemed you farewell
My mind shall be you, through and through.



A smaller triolet:


In life I cannot cherish thee,
When thy heart is flooded with gloom,
For eyes that are too wretched to see
In life I cannot cherish thee.
Oh heart, cast this throe out to sea!
Reveal this burden in thy womb,
In life I cannot cherish thee,
When thy heart is flooded with gloom!