a poem

[Mariner]

I posted a poem once here before, likely no one remembers it, but here's another. It's about my mother who got an art degree she never put to use.


Dead Artist

Your paints are dry.
Your canvases dusty.
Your children are gone,
All excuses are as well.

Talent lost.

Your brushes are brittle.
Your sketchbooks empty.
Your husband is at work,
He’s bringing home the money.

Talent wasted.

Your charcoals are broken.
Your pastels melted.
No time you say,
Really no time today.

Talent dead.

Your mind is dry.
Your potential covered in dust.
A promising future is gone,
All hope gone as well.

[Ami]

It feels a bit over-thought but that's just my personal opinion

[Mariner]

Could you be more specific? How do you think it can be improved?

[MissCheyenne]

I don't like or dislike it, I think it has potential. I kinda feel like you've over used the word 'your' though, using it so much seems to make it like an overly long dig at someone if that makes any sense? I know it's MEANT to be personal but it seems over done to me. Maybe try to re write it a little, removing some of the 'your' parts, I think if you did that, it would read a little better.

[Ami]

I'm not saying anything's wrong with it. I just feel that the layout seems forced (1 line, 4 lines, rinse and repeat) but then again I don't really process any of my writing, I just leave it the way I wrote it when I first thought of it.

,
All hope gone as well

may I ask why you didn't use "is gone" or "has gone" here?

[Mariner]

Originally Posted by MissCheyenne

I don't like or dislike it, I think it has potential. I kinda feel like you've over used the word 'your' though, using it so much seems to make it like an overly long dig at someone if that makes any sense? I know it's MEANT to be personal but it seems over done to me. Maybe try to re write it a little, removing some of the 'your' parts, I think if you did that, it would read a little better.

Thank you MissCheyenne, very helpful advice. I'll see what I can do about my use of the word "your" and post the poem with the changes.

[MissCheyenne]

Like I said, I think it has potential and I do get that it's meant to be personal. I just think that with a little re-wording, it would scrub up a little prettier and be much better over all

[Mariner]

Originally Posted by Ami

I'm not saying anything's wrong with it. I just feel that the layout seems forced (1 line, 4 lines, rinse and repeat) but then again I don't really process any of my writing, I just leave it the way I wrote it when I first thought of it.



may I ask why you didn't use "is gone" or "has gone" here?

I believe I was trying to keep the same number of words on the last line of the poem as was in the last line of the first 4 lines...I can be a bit anal about the way my poems are constucted...

[MissCheyenne]

^ I know it sounds trite but try to loosen up when you're writing. Trying to keep everything in a perfect little structure is often more harmful than helpful. Just let it flow, you can always re-work things afterwards.

[Mariner]

Originally Posted by MissCheyenne

^ I know it sounds trite but try to loosen up when you're writing. Trying to keep everything in a perfect little structure is often more harmful than helpful. Just let it flow, you can always re-work things afterwards.

That's much easier said than done, but I'll try to take your advice.

[MissCheyenne]

It's always easier said than done, it took me quite a few years to take that advice myself. Trying is the key part though, it'll take a while but when it comes, I feel sure that you will see a marked difference in the way you write

[Ami]

...loosen up when you're writing...

That says it all

[Mariner]

Dead Artist

The paints are dry,
And canvases dusty.
Your children are gone,
All excuses are as well.

Talent lost.

Favorite brushes are brittle,
and sketchbooks lay empty.
Your husband is at work,
He’s bringing home the money.

Talent wasted.

Boxes of charcoals are broken.
Pastels melted together.
No time you say,
Really no time today.

Talent dead.

Your mind is dry.
Your potential covered in dust.
A promising future is gone,
All hope gone as well.

[MissCheyenne]

I like that much better. It might not seem like a huge change to have used other words in place of 'your' but to me, it reads much better now

[Mariner]

Originally Posted by MissCheyenne

I like that much better. It might not seem like a huge change to have used other words in place of 'your' but to me, it reads much better now

I'm glad you like the change MissCheyenne. I agree, the small change was worth making.

[Vilentina]

i like the idea of artist run out of talent but i don't like the expressions except the three short sentences ie. talent lost, talent wasted, talent dead.

[Mariner]

Originally Posted by Vilentina

i like the idea of artist run out of talent but i don't like the expressions except the three short sentences ie. talent lost, talent wasted, talent dead.

You don't like the expressions? Could you be a bit more specific?

[Mariner]

By the way, I'm really liking the suggestions I'm getting here, so I think I may make a thread with another poem...if you all don't mind reading another that is...

[Vilentina]

Originally Posted by Mariner

You don't like the expressions? Could you be a bit more specific?

It's a simple idea, i mean. I like the idea. However, the expressions are not quite novel and I didn't feel much through them. I think it's a personal matter. Since I haven't read much English poems I'm afraid I could not give advice.

[Ami]

I, for one, would like to read some more of your poems. And I agree with MissCheyenne, it reads much better now