New Joke thread - Page 5

Ben Lahnger · 01-06-2006, 10:30 AM

You've probably seen this before, but ...

Ben Lahnger · 01-06-2006, 11:31 AM

THE MORAL OF THE STORY

The teacher gave her 5th grade class an assignment. They were to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it, so that they could share it with the class. The next day the kids came back, and one by one the teacher had them tell their story.

"Johnny, do you have a story with a moral to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my aunt Judy. Aunt Judy was a pilot in Iraq for Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory.

All she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. As she parachuted down, she slugged down the whiskey, so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands. Her parachute landed in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

She shot fifteen of the enemy with the gun until she ran out of bullets. She killed 4 more with the knife until the blade broke. She killed the last one with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "that's a terrible, gruesome story. And your dad said there was a moral to be learned from that awful story?"

Johnny said "Yep, dad said the moral of the story is ...

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Stay the hell away from aunt Judy when she's been drinking."

.

Ben Lahnger · 01-09-2006, 05:52 AM

A MODERN FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: "I don't fucking think so."

Wise Child · 01-09-2006, 10:38 AM

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and as they are "THE" Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads thepack.
"Dopey my son", says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment,and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey glares at them and then turns back and says, "Your Extreme Holiness! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
After consulting with his advisors, the Pope responds, "I'm sorry my son,there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling, laughing and pounding the floor, tears streaming down their cheeks as they begin chanting, "Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"

Wise Child · 01-09-2006, 10:46 AM

Okay ... some for the girls.

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"

Marriage (Part II)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you're no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

Marriage (Part III)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,"Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

JuliaGaltic · 01-09-2006, 10:50 AM

Here's a classic but goodie:

Protagonists: Babysitter and pre-teen boy

Boy: Can I stick my finger in your bellybutton?

Babysitter: Sure.

The babysitter gasps and says: That's not my bellybutton!

Boy smirks mischeviously and replies: That's not my finger.

Ayase · 01-09-2006, 11:19 AM

Good one Julia! It made me giggle.

Ok I've got a really lame one but I thought it was freakin hilarious:

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo drizzle!

JuliaGaltic · 01-09-2006, 11:21 AM

Bwahahaha! Love it!

cannibalnuns · 01-09-2006, 08:56 PM

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?

What's a lightbulb?

Wise Child · 01-10-2006, 02:49 AM

OKay, since I've put in some for the girls, here's one for the guys - although I am of course morally opposed, I still couldn't stop laughing at this.

Q) how many women does it take to change a lightbulb?

A) none - the bitch can cook in the dark

Ben Lahnger · 01-10-2006, 08:27 AM

The Refrigerator

(This is a long joke. It is one of my favorites of all time, and I think it's well worth the length.)

A man who lives on the 7th floor of a 8 story aparment building suspects that his wife is having an affair. And he thinks that his wife is entertaining the cad around lunchtime each day in their own apartment. So he makes plans to try to catch them in the act.

He arranges to take time off from work in the middle of the day. And as he exits the elevator on the 7th floor, he starts creeping stealthily to the apartment door. He gently slides the key into the lock and silently unlocks and opens the door. As he carefully makes his way into their spacious apartment, his jacket brushes a vase sitting on the living room coffee table. It tips over, landing on it's side with a jangling clatter.

He hears agitated bedlam coming from the bedroom ... fabric rustling, alarmed whispering, and as he makes his way quickly through the apartment, a window opening. He arrives in the bedroom to see his wife cowering under the covers of their bed, a lacy baby-doll teddy visible on the alabaster shoulders peeking from under the sheets. She looks at him with fear plain in her eyes and says "What are you doing home, honey?"

He is immediately inflamed with rage. He howls "WHERE IS HE? I'm gonna KILL HIM!" She replies in a shaking, frightened voice, "I don't know what you're talking about. You're crazy!"

Too impatient to play out the obvious dialog of denial she wants to maintain, he starts tearing through the apartment, looking for his rival, his prey. And he notices the kitchen window is open, so he goes to it and looks out. And sees a man. On the fire escape. Scurrying down. Moving fast. And he thinks "Ah ha, I've got you!"

He looks around the kitchen for a weapon, and the only thing close of any consequence is the refrigerator. So he grabs it. And heaves it over to the window. Then he starts it rocking and manages to tip it out the window. And it falls down, doing a big boxy end-over-end dance down the fire escape. And it picks up speed ...

But the effort of moving and tipping the refrigerator is too much strain; the jealous husband falls back and dies of a heart attack.

==============================================

So he's standing in line at St. Peter's gate, and St. Peter looks at his clipboard and the looks at the husband and says "Well, I have everything here except for the last minute update. Everything seems to be in order, but I need to ask you one thing. How did you die?"

And the husband says "Well, St. Peter, I was moving this refrigerator when I had a heart attack and died."

And St. Peter says "Well, that's a routine accident, so you can go on it!"

Then the next man in line steps up. St. Peter looks at his clipboard and the looks at the man and says "Well, I have everything here except for the last minute update. Everything seems to be in order, but I need to ask you one thing. How did you die?"

And the man says "Well, St. Peter, I was running late for work today. And as I was rushing around trying to get to work on time, I forget my keys in my apartment and locked the door on the way out. So I was trying to figure out how to get back into my apartment when I thought "Maybe I left a window open." So I headed back downstairs and made my way up the fire escape. And when I got to my apartment, I found that none of the windows were open. So I decided I needed to go find the building super. And as I made my way back down, this refrigerator came tumbling down the fire escape and crushed me."

And St. Peter says "Well, that's a very strange accident, but an accident all the same. You can go in."

Then the next man in line steps up. St. Peter looks at his clipboard and the looks at the man and says "Well, I have everything here except for the last minute update. Everything seems to be in order, but I need to ask you one thing. How did you die?"

And the man says "Well, St. Peter, it's like this. I was sitting in this refrigerator, minding my own business, when all of a sudden ...."

.

Empty_Purple_Stars · 01-10-2006, 08:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ben Lahnger

A MODERN FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: "I don't fucking think so."

Bwahahahaha!!

This one reminds me of a certain funny chic I used to know.
(In a GOOD Way.)

Friggin hilarious Ben!

Wise Child · 01-10-2006, 09:06 AM

Two potheads have been charged with possession :-( and both plead "no contest." The judge decides to be lenient on them and not give them any time if they spend the next 24 hours reforming evil drug users. (Must have been a first offense.) They return to the courthouse the next day and the judge asks them how many people they've gotten off drugs. The first guy says, "Twenty-four!" "Amazing," says Hizzoner, since that's about 12,000 times better than the statistics. "How'd you do it?" "Simple," says the head. "I just show them: 'O' - This is your brain; 'o' - this is your brain on drugs."
"Impressive," says the judge. Turning to the second head, he says, "And how did you fare?" "Yer honor, I saved 233 souls from the bonds of the evil weed." "And how did you manage that?" "Kinda the same as the other guy, 'cept I told people: 'o' - this is your asshole; 'O' - THIS is your asshole in prison."

Ben Lahnger · 01-13-2006, 07:14 AM

I've felt like this some mornings!

And some days I can't even get my face up out of my breakfast.

And then there's the whole trying-to-get-done-in-the-bathroom-routine:

Basically, until I have a significant amount of coffee in me, I go around with the "What are you looking at?" face.

Wise Child · 01-13-2006, 07:18 AM

Aaw - cuteness!!

Wise Child · 01-13-2006, 07:28 AM

There were three nuns driving down a highway one day when they lost control of their car and plunged off a cliff.

They awoke and found themselves standing before the pearly gates. St. Peter walked toward them and, after greeting them, told them that they would have to answer one question each before they were admitted to the kingdom of heaven.

This made the nuns very nervous. They had never heard of this requirement before. Finally, one nun stepped forward and said, "St. Peter, I'm ready for my question."

St. Peter replied, "Your question is: Who was the first man on earth?"

The nun breathed a huge sigh of relief, and said, "Why, it was Adam."

(And the lights flashed, the bells tolled, and the gates of heaven opened)

This was a cause of great relief to the remaining nuns. The second stepped forward without hesitation.

St. Peter said, "And you must tell me who the first woman on earth was."

Another great sigh of relief, "Eve" the nun replied.

(And the lights flashed, the bells tolled, and the gates of heaven opened)

The third was brimming with excitement. "I'm ready St. Peter!"

St. Peter said, "All right, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"

The nun was shocked. "My goodness, that's a hard one."

(And the lights flashed, the bells tolled, and the gates of heaven opened)

Wise Child · 01-13-2006, 07:30 AM

A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest.

Somehow the professor heard about the plan.

In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a prostitute makes $2000 per night."

All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."

Wise Child · 01-13-2006, 07:32 AM

This one makes laugh out loud - stupid, but funny...

There are these two nude statues, man and woman, standing across from each other in a secluded park. A few hundred years after they've been put in place, an angel flutters down to them.

A wave of his hand, and suddenly the statues have been given flesh, and they step down from their pedestals.

The angel says, "I have been sent to grant the mutual request you both have made after hundreds of years of standing across from each other, unable to move. But be quick--you only have fifteen minutes until you must become statues again."

The man looks at the woman, and they both flush, and giggle, and run off into some underbrush. An intense rustling comes from the bushes, and seven minutes later, they both come back to the angel, obviously satisfied.

The angel smiles at the couple. "That was only seven minutes--why not go back and do it again?"

The former statues look at each other for a minute, and then the woman says, "Why not? But let's reverse it this time--you hold down the pigeon, and I'll shit on

Wise Child · 01-13-2006, 07:35 AM

The Pope and one of his top cardinals were taking a long train ride one day. The Pope was doing a crossword puzzle, and the cardinal was reading the Bible. Suddenly the Pope asked the cardinal, "What's a four letter word for `woman' ending in ..u..n..t?"

The startled cardinal thought for a bit, then said, "Uh.. er.. aunt! Yes, aunt!"

"Oh, of course. Got an eraser?"

Wise Child · 01-13-2006, 07:37 AM

Heaven is a place where:
The lovers are Italian
The cooks are French
The mechanics are German
The police are English
The government is run by the Swiss

Hell is a place where:
The lovers are Swiss
The cooks are English
The mechanics are French
The police are German
The government is run by the Italians

Ben Lahnger · 01-13-2006, 09:56 AM

Ben Lahnger · 01-13-2006, 10:17 AM

A Tale Of Two Trees

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech or a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Wipe that smile off of your face.

Ben Lahnger · 01-14-2006, 10:13 AM

Two Gay Guys And A Gorilla

Two gay men were visiting a zoo, when they found themselves at the gorilla
cage. The gorilla was sitting there hugely excited. Unable to contain
himself one of the men reaches in to touch the gorilla's 'delicates'.

As soon as his arm goes into the cage, the gorilla grabs him, and takes
him into the cage...slams him to the floor and screws him senseless. A few
days later in the hospital the boyfriend visits and asks his partner if he
is hurt.....

"Hurt? You bet I'm hurt. He hasn't phoned, he hasn't written..."

Ben Lahnger · 01-18-2006, 10:33 PM

Hell On Earth

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill! with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."

edible_eye · 01-30-2006, 12:20 AM

Nudist Colony

> A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first
> day there he takes off his clothes and starts to walk
> around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and he
> immediately gets an erection.
> The woman notices this, comes over and says, "Did you
> call for me?" The man says "no, what do you mean?"
> She says, " you must be new here. Let me explain. It's
> a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you
> called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of
> the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls
> him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
> Later, the man continues to explore the colony's
> facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down he
> farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of
> the steam room towards him, "Did you call for me?", says
> the hairy man.
> "No, what do you mean?" asks the newcomer.
> It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called
> for me." The huge, hairy man easily spins him around,
> bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
> The newcomer staggers back to the colony office where he
> is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. The man
> yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key
> back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.
> "But, sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few
> hours. You haven't had the chance to see all of our
> facilities."
> The man replies, "Listen Lady, I'm 68 years old, I only
> get an erection once a month, but, I fart 15 times a day,
> I'm outta here"!