Men who care more about their dicks than their Girlfriends.

[Solumina]

As this is a pet peeve of mine I felt that it deserved its own post

Originally Posted by Valravn

I hope you aren't speaking about psychiatry help because that is definetly not help.

There is nothing wrong with getting psychiatric help and it is in fact help. All that it means is that you are getting some form of drug therapy, in most cases anti-depressants or mood stabilizers on a temporary basis used in conjunction with in office therapy. Psychiatric help is not this evil thing that people seem to think it is, psychiatrists are not simply interested in pushing drugs or messing with your head, they are trying to help people. Yeah there are shitty psychologists out there but you are no more likely to find a shitty psychologist than you are a shitty doctor or a shitty lawyer, and to be honest it should be pretty obvious when you are seeing a psychiatrist who isn't right for you (it doesn't feel right then they aren't the right fit, even if they are good they aren't right for you).

[killslowly]

Dear BLEED:

I don't know you from Adam, but the title of your posting:

"Men who care more about their dicks than their Girlfriends"

Definitively caught my attention because of the victimized sound of it.

I have some questions for you that might help you sort out the process and finalize your current situation:

1) have you sought the counseling that your mother and most posters here recommended? If not, then I highly recommend that you do so. You seem to be suffering from PTSD (like me) and it is no fun whatsoever to be dealing with this without proper counseling and/or medication. Besides, being the survivor of penetrative sexual abuse at a young age is no joking matter. You need professional help.

2) do you still think your boyfriend cares more about his dick than you? If he still thinks that his penis is more important than you, then it is time for you to seek other ventures in life. I don't care how much you are in love with him. Many battered syndrome women stay with their abusive partners because "he loves me". That is not a good enough excuse for you to pursue a relationship that you are not mentally or physically able and willing to commit to. He has needs, you cannot provide, therefore you are ill equipped for this liaison. Giving him the out of fucking and or being felated by other women will only bring more problems in the long run.

3) You mentioned an age difference. What are we talking about here? Two years? A decade? Because if your boyfriend is an adult, I can see the different in needs. And I can also see the manipulative behavior a guy like him can muster in order to get his groove on.

4) You said that your boyfriend knew about your molestation? And even though he knew, he continued to pressure you into sexual activity? And you say you love this man? And you think this man loves you? Maybe your boyfriend will also benefit from counseling.

Please BLEED, do not take this the wrong way, but concentrate on getting the help that you need, kick some ass in school, and worry about boyfriends (or girlfriends, like you said you have experienced) when you are a bit more healthy in the mind, and willing in the body.

With the utmost love and respect,

Uncle Jerry.

[Wynneth]

Originally Posted by Valravn

I hope you aren't speaking about psychiatry help because that is definetly not help.

What causes you to think that psychiatry isn't helpful, if I may ask?

[chelseagirl]

Originally Posted by BLEED REBELION!!!

I WILL go and get therapy I told my mom I wanted to I just dont know when that will happen because my fam has some money issues right now.

Hey hun, I'm going to PM you later today.

I just wanted to say that you should be able to get free counseling from a local **** crisis center.

Also, did you or your family ever report the abuse? If you have, your police department should be able to refer you to "Victims Services", wherein you would be able to get free treatment.

If you have not reported it, I would like to suggest that you think about doing so. It's entirely up to you if you do or not, and I know it's a really hard thing to do, but if the guy who did it gets away with it, he's going to keep doing it to other innocent girls.

I didn't report what happened to me because I was very young and scared. The first time I really came out in the open about it was many years later, when I saw his picture in a Maryland newspaper saying he had been arrested for kidnapping, ****** and torturing a girl. I immediately felt the need to get it off my chest, so I called the police department that was handling that case and gave a statement.

I felt extremely guilty that I had not come forward all those years ago, and perhaps prevented who knows how many other girls from being victimized by him. If I could go back in time and do it all over, I would DEFINITELY report it and file charges.

Anyways, I'll PM you a little later - take care BLEED.

[Wynneth]

Originally Posted by BLEED REBELION!!!

Its just that at this point in my life for the last few months I have felt great optimism.

Well, even when experiencing depression, one can still experience pleasant things, as well. Just because you're depressed doesn't mean you won't ever have a moment of happiness. Also, keep in mind that manic depressives usually go through both extremes--ecstatically happy and dismally unhappy.

Originally Posted by BLEED REBELION!!!

Yeah life can suck sometimes and what happened is horrible, and yeah it hurts allot. It used to be almost crippling it affected everything. But when I say get over it I mean heal, I mean be able to function without it hindering me.

Absolutely. I agree with you, totally. However, the fact that you have such strong reactions to your boyfriend's attempts at mild intimacy (light petting, etc.) speaks loud and clear that you're still unable to function without it hindering you.

Originally Posted by BLEED REBELION!!!

I fell like I shouldn’t obsess about it, I shouldn’t think about it more then I have to because I think ultimately I will get better. I’ve cried soooo much that I just don’t want to anymore. I am soooo much happier then I used to be.

You feel like you shouldn't obsess about it, but you find yourself unable to not obsess over it, sometimes? Again, another clear sign from your brain that you're still unwell. Of course, healing takes time--but, depending on when this stuff happened, you may've been holding all the pain inside for a long while. Your mother, from what I gathered, wasn't aware of what'd happened until just recently. Was there anyone in whom you confided about it? If not, that could be another factor in how deeply it's affected you over time.

It's understandable that you're emotionally exhausted--crying so much that you're sick of crying. But, don't mistake the lack of tears to mean that things are getting better. You're repressing things and bottling up your emotions, which is sort of like taking a fresh coke, shaking it violently and leaving it out in the sun. Sooner or later, it will explode. Everywhere. So, this is a big reason I'm continuing to urge you to seek help.

Originally Posted by BLEED REBELION!!!

... I mean that compared to him all else pales.

-smile- Ah, young love.

Originally Posted by BLEED REBELION!!!

I feel like at this point in my life I don’t have much control over my life.

Many, many people feel this way. It's generally what contributes strongly to people who are in co-dependent relationships. Now, I'm not saying that you're in a co-dependent relationship. You may or may not be... But, your fear of losing him could be translated into a term like "fear of abandonment"--which is something with which I, myself, struggle--and, unless you're in a healthy relationship, this can be disastrous. It often leads women into relationships (and even traps them in these relationships) with people who aren't good for them, may even be violent with them...and it could even lead to, for those highly unfortunate enough to be in such a situation, battered wife/spouse syndrome. Y'know? I'm not saying your boyfriend would be like that--I'm just attempting to illustrate how crippling the fear of abandonment can be for a person.

Originally Posted by BLEED REBELION!!!

I have to go to school and learn what they tell me to learn. I suppose I could just leave but that only makes things harder. I really just want to go and ride my bike across the country, things like that are what I want to do. Instead I wake up go to school, do 4 hours of homework, clean, talk to my BF (the best part of my day!) and then sleep.

Not to be a downer, but...it only gets worse, after you're out of school. When you're out of school and on your own, your list of responsibilities sky rockets into effin' orbit. And, the worst part is, if you're neglectful of your responsibilities, you're the one that suffers. However...

Originally Posted by BLEED REBELION!!!

Its not a very exciting life. I miss going to concerts and gigs. I miss doing the things that I love to do. But I need to have a “perfect GPA” because my fam cant afford college and I “need” to go.

...Going to college can greatly increase your chances of having a less difficult adult life. If you go to college, do well in your classes, and get a degree (that's both enjoyable to you and practical--not something you'll need further schooling for in order to benefit from it,) the likelihood of you getting a good paying job out of school also sky rockets. Unfortunately, in this disgusting capitalist country, having enough money to do what you need to do is the only way to even begin to attempt to have a quasi-normal life. (If only the Proletariat would rise. Hint, hint.)

Originally Posted by BLEED REBELION!!!

I don’t think most of what people say matters really does. I don’t really want many things. I don’t care about many material things the only things I would be really sad to lose is my music and books.

You may not want many things, but you'll find that there are things you need. Food, shelter, clothing, transportation, insurance, etc.. It's all very banal, adult crap, but it's what keeps people going.

When I moved away from home and got married, I was seriously disillusioned as to what real life would be like. I thought to myself, "Awesome! Now, I don't have to answer to anyone! I can do what I want!" While that's somewhat true, the other things that come along with it really puts a damper on all that freedom. I found that I did have to answer to others--my boss, my landlord, the bank, etc. It sucks, but such is life. Y'know? Despite all of that, you sort of get into the rhythm of life.

Don't get me wrong. Not everything about being out in the real world is awful. There are many wonderful things about it. I just wasn't as aware of the not-so-wonderful parts and, when I was faced with them, it was worse than a bucket of cold water as an alarm clock.

Originally Posted by BLEED REBELION!!!

When I sit down and really think about what I want from life the answer is VERY CLEAR: I want LOVE. I want to be with him. I want to be HAPPY.

You're not alone in this. In fact, I think it may just be every human on the planet's ultimate goal in life--to be happy, to love and be loved. Personally, all I want is to love, be loved and live a contented life. Still working on it, but I feel that it's only a matter of time before I can make that happen for myself. -smile-

Originally Posted by BLEED REBELION!!!

I don’t need money for that. I don’t need a degree, I don’t need nice clothes, I don’t need anything they say I do. At the end of the day I would choose him over everything else.

Well, I think you know my thoughts on the "I don't need..." stuff. Trust me when I say that having enough money to get by in life is more important than you might think. Especially in a country that, as of right now, doesn't care enough about the folks who don't have enough money to get by in life.

Love is very, very important...but, the stresses of life--especially financial difficulties--can really put love to the test. Many a marriage has broken up over it and many more will, unfortunately. I just hope that, even though I've said some very unpleasant, sobering things...you understand that it's still worth it. If it weren't worth it, I wouldn't be around to say one way or the other. Neither would most other people on this planet. Y'know?

But, in order to do any of those things and live a life that's bearable, you'll need to take care of yourself, first and foremost. You must think of your health--both physical and mental--and take care of them as best you can, because you won't function well, otherwise. Mental health, though many people don't think about it, is incredibly important to living a full and productive, happy life. Depression (and other emotional difficulties) can drain the life out of you, give you tons of stress--which will, in turn, cause your body to get sick, as well.

So, at the end of this incredibly huge post...know that, while I'm not an expert, I've lived through a lot of these things. And, because you're in such a vulnerable, unhappy place, dealing with PTSD and goodness knows what all else...I want to help. It's up to you whether or not you take my words to heart and consider my advice. Regardless of what you choose to do, know that I wish you the best of luck and hope you pull through everything okay.

Originally Posted by BLEED REBELION!!!

I said somewhere in a recent post that I WILL go and get therapy I told my mom I wanted to I just dont know when that will happen because my fam has some money issues right now. But I think I could be going soon...

And, this is fantastic news! As someone else said in another post, there are lots of options for people who need emotional help. There are many places that may even do it for free or, at the least, a very reduced cost. It just takes a bit of research and calling around. It's possible to get help, even when you have money issues. So, good luck!

[Mir]

Originally Posted by PortraitOfSanity

Whine, whine, whine.

Sure. Whatever you say.

[BLEED REBELION!!!]

Chelsea: Okay I'll be waiting for your message.
No, I never reported it to anyone. No "authority figure" knew about what happened until my mom told me she found out a couple days ago. My best friend has similar experiences and we've used to talk about it alot.
I dont intend on reporting it. I cant prove shit. It happened 3-4 grade, so a long time ago. Really I dont want the rest of the family hearing about this. Can you say DRAMA. I dont need that shit, it wouldnt help me. I just want to live my life and move on. Getting yelled at (interrogated) by family members I dont even like is just a waste of my time.

[killslowly]

Hey Bleed,

I understand that maybe the answers to my 4 questions are private and you do not feel like you want to disclose.

But is is important that you consider them and be honest about the answers.

I would like to know how you are coping.

And I cannot believe that I did not ask about the law enforcement issue. I just took it a face value that you would have reported it, but that is my fault for assuming these things. I know that a lot of *ape victims do not report it, and so is the same with molestation victims. But in your case, it sounds like *ape.

Please go to the police.

Be careful,

Uncle Jerry

[BLEED REBELION!!!]

I didnt reply because I think the questions have already been answered.
But I will answer them again. He is 19 (almost 20) I am 16.
No, I dont still think he cares more about his dick than me. I was really angry and I felt that way. I know it isnt really true.

I dont think he needs therapy, he's fine.
Yes I KNOW he loves me. And yes I DO love him.

As for this whole theory that I am afraid to leave him or afraid of being alone: I am not with him because I am scared to leave. I am with him because I want to be. I wouldnt stay in a relationship because I feared being alone.
Even is hypotheticaly my realtionship with him were to end right now, I would not regret dating him. I think its done more good for me than bad.
sheeeesh..

[BLEED REBELION!!!]

I will not go to the efffing cops. They are of no help.

[Underwater Ophelia]

Originally Posted by BLEED REBELION!!!

I will not go to the efffing cops. They are of no help.

They can't help you, but they can help potential victims of this person in the future.

[Tam Li Hua]

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

They can't help you, but they can help potential victims of this person in the future.

I agree with this whole-heartedly.

[BLEED REBELION!!!]

Okay.. can we drop he whole "go tell the popo" thing....
I dont want to and I dont feel like explaining why I dont

[Tam Li Hua]

BLEED: It's ultimately up to you whether or not to tell them. Some of us just feel it would be a good idea, that's all. [You can even report it anonymously, if you want. You don't have to give your name or anything.]

[chelseagirl]

Originally Posted by BLEED REBELION!!!

I dont intend on reporting it. I cant prove shit. It happened 3-4 grade, so a long time ago.

I truly feel you there. After it happened to me, the guy told me that it would be my word against his, and no one would believe me anyway. It's unfortunate, but true, that **** and abuse tends to be very hard to prove and a lot of times ends up just being "your word against his". So, I definitely understand your choice hun.

[Joker_in_the_Pack]

Originally Posted by chelseagirl

I truly feel you there. After it happened to me, the guy told me that it would be my word against his, and no one would believe me anyway. It's unfortunate, but true, that **** and abuse tends to be very hard to prove and a lot of times ends up just being "your word against his". So, I definitely understand your choice hun.

It is entirely possible to prove **** using DNA evidence, just so you know. If you report it right away, it is seldom word vs word.

[Disaffected Shoelaces]

Originally Posted by Joker_in_the_Pack

It is entirely possible to prove **** using DNA evidence, just so you know. If you report it right away, it is seldom word vs word.

The act can be proved, but the question of consent is harder to establish.

[Tam Li Hua]

Joker: It's true that DNA can be used to prove that something happened, but only immediately after the crime. I get the feeling that what happened to BLEED was a few years ago, so it would be a bit of a different issue. [For the record, I can understand how BLEED may not have wanted to tell anyone when it first happened. It's a traumatizing thing, and traumatized folks often only want to be comforted and healed, and not any questions.

[Underwater Ophelia]

Originally Posted by Disaffected Shoelaces

The act can be proved, but the question of consent is harder to establish.

Yeah, but no one believes the man. It sucks, because women can use this to seriously fuck over a guy, but the woman will win nearly every time.

[Wynneth]

Originally Posted by Disaffected Shoelaces

The act can be proved, but the question of consent is harder to establish.

Not when someone's in the third or fourth grade--as I seem to recall Bleed saying she was, when it happened to her (but, maybe she said three or four years ago...I can't quite recall)--but, definitely agree with you when someone is older. Then again, if it's reported right away, as Joker_in_the_Pack said, there are hard to hide signs, like bruising and tearing.

Sure, someone who enjoys rough sex might get that, but it's not as common an occurrence, I don't think, for them to complain of being sexually violated.

[Joker_in_the_Pack]

The tearing wouldn't be so severe, even with rough sex. If a woman is completely unarroused and sexually assaulted, the guy is "going in dry" which is fuck painful and causes tearing. Try putting on a rubber glove, making a fist with a slight hole between all your fingers, and trying to slide your finger in it, that'll give you an idea. Now imagine that glove has one of the highest nerve concentrations in your body (I can't remember how high up on the list it is, but it's up there).

[Wynneth]

Originally Posted by Joker_in_the_Pack

The tearing wouldn't be so severe, even with rough sex. If a woman is completely unarroused and sexually assaulted, the guy is "going in dry" which is fuck painful and causes tearing. Try putting on a rubber glove, making a fist with a slight hole between all your fingers, and trying to slide your finger in it, that'll give you an idea. Now imagine that glove has one of the highest nerve concentrations in your body (I can't remember how high up on the list it is, but it's up there).

-grimace- How, then, do the sexual predators gain any pleasure from it? I know most of it is psychological/power based, but... Yeouch.

[Tam Li Hua]

Originally Posted by Wynneth

-grimace- How, then, do the sexual predators gain any pleasure from it? I know most of it is psychological/power based, but... Yeouch.

Some folks will endure anything to get that rush of being in control.

Then again, I find it hard to believe that serial r.apists aren't aroused...even a little bit...when they are doing what they do.

[Wynneth]

Originally Posted by Tam Li Hua

Some folks will endure anything to get that rush of being in control.

Then again, I find it hard to believe that serial r.apists aren't aroused...even a little bit...when they are doing what they do.

I'd say they'd have to be. But, perhaps it's the power/control that arouses them. Maybe even the fear they evoke in their victim.

[Joker_in_the_Pack]

Originally Posted by Wynneth

I'd say they'd have to be. But, perhaps it's the power/control that arouses them. Maybe even the fear they evoke in their victim.

This, mainly. People can orgasm from thoughts alone, I have a friend who came after eating some amazing food. Not joking, so yeah, it's mainly power based.