Claudia or Maria.

[Underwater Ophelia]

You assholes have been saying you want something different, so I wrote A SHORT STORY.
WOAH.
NO ONE SAW THIS SHIT COMING.
Except, you know, me.


I can’t really remember now what time it was, but I’m sure it was after eight-thirty in the morning, because eight thirty in the morning is when my father called me, screaming about a painting that fell over, and woke me up.

And I can’t really remember now what happened between us, or if anything happened at all, but I know she was there and I was, too, and I remember that I could see my breath and that there weren’t any birds singing that morning.

On my way down to the path I tripped and fell probably more than once. It was definitely winter then, but there was definitely no ice. I can’t blame any of the four or five falls on ice--or any other outside force, really. I haven’t the foggiest idea why my brain wasn’t in my feet that morning. It is possible, though I don’t normally entertain these sorts of ideas, that I was having some sort of clairvoyant experience and was subconsciously anticipating what was to come. Encounters like the one after eight thirty in the morning that morning always make me blush to think about, and they make my hands wet and they make not one, but both of my feet dysfunctional.

The path to which I was falling down is a gravel walking and cycling path not far from where I live, but to walk to this particular path takes approximately forty five minutes to an hour. Normally I couldn’t be bothered to set myself on such a journey, as it was early in the morning and there was a frigid chill in the air. I mentioned I don’t entertain ideas of clairvoyance or premonitions, but there must have been something to compel me to execute the walk to the path where I fell maybe once or twice. Maybe more. I can’t honestly say I remember.

Water in the shallow craters in the path made my walk more interesting. Obstacles always entertain me, I think. Looking up to see the overhanging trees with no leaves on them and a white sky that suggested snow in the near future, I noticed that not only was the song of the birds absent, they themselves had decided to spend their time somewhere else. Somewhere warmer, I’d imagine. Birds do that.

After the encounter with her, I remember being pleased I had worn torn up pants rather than a long skirt, because easily I could tell she liked that sort of thing. She preferred women in pants. I could tell. The pants were denim, and as I mentioned, had several holes the size of a deck of cards; one hole the size of a plate she would use to serve bread on. She was that kind of woman, I think. Lots of flatware and lots of plates. I am more practical when entertaining guests, but I don’t hold it against her still that the dining cloth on the table in the largest room of her house was overly ornate. I have forgiven her that.

My walk was easy, a long stride but an uncomplicated and unsophisticated gait. Three or four times I had thought I saw a squirrel going about it’s business, but thought better of it, as squirrels are characteristically pragmatic animals and certainly wouldn’t have been outside in this weather. I don’t remember now seeing any other animals. Once, come to think of it, there may have been a deer, and that makes sense to me, as I have always understood that deer are thrill seekers, addicted to the rush of a risk, and would have been very interested in being out in inappropriately cool weather. I can see the deer now. A doe, I think I remember.

After a half hour or so of walking, I noticed my feet were more cold than they should be, and when looking down at them, I realized I must have at some point walked through one of the puddles. It may have been when I was distracted by the phantom squirrel. I say it was about a half hour into the walk, but please don’t take my word for it, because I never really have had a head for numbers or keeping track of things like time or dates.

The river the path followed certainly wasn’t frozen over, but on either side, there was definitely a thin line of ice trailing the river wherever it went, threatening to overtake it if the river thought itself immune to winter. I assure you, it was not. There had just been a rain, so the water was more in volume than it would normally be, and as a consequence of that, louder. I enjoyed the sound. I knew she did, too. She was an audiophile, I decided. She would carry a small tape recorder around with her and record sounds she found soothing, or unusual, or otherwise pleasing. Once she recorded a homeless man playing an old discarded xylophone, and then had to apologize profusely as she had no change or small bills to give him as payment for her private concert. She swore to herself she would later buy him a sandwich, but forgot.

I stopped soon after looking over at the river to light and then smoke a cigarette. I knew what time it was just then, too, because I smoke my first cigarette every day at ten thirty. I knew what time it was then, but as soon as I extinguished it, the time to me may well have been three in the morning or just as prime time programming begins. I really never have been any good at keeping track of numbers.

The cigarette died by my hand sometime after ten thirty in the morning. The sun had begun to warm the water, probably, and there were five or thirty two birds singing. I can’t quite tell. Then I saw her.

The woman was in yoga pants and an attractive sweater of blue that may have matched her eyes. I don’t know, because I don’t quite remember what colour her eyes were. Short blonde hair was put in its place by a headband that matched the yoga pants, and her dog carelessly strolled alongside her.

We made eye contact briefly, as we were both moving and the human eye is attracted to movement, and she probably would have made a comment about the humorous absence of a coat on my figure if I had smiled at her, but I noticed just then I was experiencing a sort of facial paralysis, and so I just looked down soon enough to notice blue running shoes. It wasn’t my custom at the time to wear jackets or coats.

The encounter probably took about one or three seconds, but I can’t honestly remember.
I’ve been considering looking her up in the Yellow Pages. Her name is Claudia or Maria, maybe. Something ending in “ia.” I could tell.

[Underwater Ophelia]

Gnet, oh gnet, why don't you let me indent?

[MitsyMayhem]

I like it. I'm not good at all with first person and yours really flows, just a stream of consciousness, like a person's actual thoughts. I don't seen any grammar errors or spelling errors. And it was interesting, as you provide snippets of thought that gave us a bit of insight into who Claudia or Maria was. Most of all it's realistic, not choppy or encyclopedia like. You almost made me wish it was an actual novel.

[Xombie]

Soooooo, I loved it. I think it was unique in that it took that entire time to work up to a three-second encounter with this woman you seemed to know. However, I think you said "I think" too much. I know that it was meant to hold a particular uncertainty, but it may have been over the top a little.

I like you.

[Underwater Ophelia]

Thanks guys.
I am considering making it longer, but I don't know how far I could go with it.

I could maybe make it a series of fake or blown out of proportion encounters like this one.

As for the "I think," I think you're right, lool. I was worried about that as I wrote it, but left it in anyway.
I feel like it makes it a bit more realistic, but I only feel that way because that's how I talk.

[MitsyMayhem]

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

Thanks guys.
I am considering making it longer, but I don't know how far I could go with it.

I could maybe make it a series of fake or blown out of proportion encounters like this one.

As for the "I think," I think you're right, lool. I was worried about that as I wrote it, but left it in anyway.
I feel like it makes it a bit more realistic, but I only feel that way because that's how I talk.

I think the 'I thinks' are fine. I believe we all have to remember this is first person. First person should reflect the true ideas and thoughts of the speaker. When people speak, they often repeat certain patterns, and certain words. It adds characteristics to individuals.

And I like that idea, about the overblown encounters.
Or, may I suggest that you try something next time from Maria/Claudia's point of view. That could be interesting.

But I have to ask what inspired this?
Do you know a "Maria or Claudia'?

[Underwater Ophelia]

Originally Posted by MitsyMayhem

And I like that idea, about the overblown encounters.
Or, may I suggest that you try something next time from Maria/Claudia's point of view. That could be interesting.

I thought of that, but I think that would cancel out this story. The point of the Maria/Claudia character is that there is no point. There is nothing remotely interesting or in any way abnormal about her. That's what makes the main character's strange obsession with her potent.

Originally Posted by MitsyMayhem

But I have to ask what inspired this?
Do you know a "Maria or Claudia'?

I have no idea.
I sat down, opened Word, and started writing.

This is the brainchild!

[MitsyMayhem]

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

I thought of that, but I think that would cancel out this story. The point of the Maria/Claudia character is that there is no point. There is nothing remotely interesting or in any way abnormal about her. That's what makes the main character's strange obsession with her potent.

I have no idea.
I sat down, opened Word, and started writing.

This is the brainchild!

Ah. And here I was trying to discover the what made her so alluring when it's simply nothing. But she does sound pretty, though I like how you didn't make her grandly glamorous. It helps your view of Marie/Claudia make a lot of sense.

Lol. Well that is the best way to do most things.

[Underwater Ophelia]

I want meat brownies.

[Underwater Ophelia]

There is no pleasing you people!
You wanted poetry, so I gave it to you!
That got boring, so I gave you prose!

Why no thoughts, no reviews, no comments or criticisms?!

[Despanan]

I like the unreliable narrator, and the bit about birds early on.

I find the structure a little problematic. It does feel like a memory, but I can't help but feel that you're pushing the fluidity of it a bit too much. The story is a little hard to follow and doesn't really go anywhere.

not that all stories have to, but I'm not really seeing much of a theme here either. Is this just an experiment or did you have something in particular you were wanting to talk about? I admit I was a little distracted while reading, so I might have missed something.

[Underwater Ophelia]

It was an experiment, I think, but there is definitely a theme.
I'd say the theme is just loneliness or obsession.

[Tralis]

I definitely read a sort of innocent but neurotic obsession from the work. It does feel anti-climactic, but I also think that's a bit of the point of the story. I think it would benefit from maybe a little more guidance by the narrator, not necessarily forcing the reader what to think but suggesting it a little bit stronger.

[Underwater Ophelia]

That's a good idea, but I did want it to be mostly ambiguous until the end.
Or is that not what you meant?

[Tralis]

Of course, leave it ambigious until the end, then give the reader a bit more guidance. Not too much more, of course, just a pinch. Utilize what you've writen so far and bring it toward something.

[Jaye Jang]

Ophie, Okay, this is a good story. You might want to work on the last paragraph as it kind of trails off. You need a strong ending. Your imagery is good and your flow is excellent. The only minor points I would make are punctuation. (My suggestion, if you haven't already got one, is to get a copy of Gregg's Reference. It's sort of a tome, but it lists every conceivable kind of grammatic usage).

Okay, there are a few minor things, but I am too tired to think right now, but since I do medical editing for a living ... Hmmm. Okay. There are a few areas where you needed a comma, and one or two words that needed to be hyphenated (double adjectives). I will have to go back and look later. Right now, I need sleep.

However, major things were numbers: Time stamps were the REALLY major thing I noticed. When you use times without o'clock, i.e. one o'clock, etc. you need to use numerals (e.g. 1 p.m., 8 a.m., etc. -- or 1 PM and 8 AM are also acceptable). Anytime you use a time stamp WHERE THE NUMBER is greater than an even number, (even if AM or p.m. are merely IMPLIED e.g. one-thirty or whatever), ALWAYS use numerals and ALWAYS use a colon (i.e. 8 a.m. or 1 PM, but 10:45, 8:30 AM, etc.). Also, with the use of numbers in sentences, if the number is greater than ten -- use numerals. For example you should write one minute or ten years, but 30 minutes or 20 years. (Oh, and just to get complicated, use NUMERALS with fractionated numbers also -- unless the number is at the BEGINNING of a sentence. For example, begin a sentence with one-and-a-half or one and one-half years, but END it with 1-1/2 years) -- and remember, NEVER start a sentence with a numeral or a hyphenated word. Big grammatic no no. Capice.

[gothicusmaximus]

can’t really remember now what happened between us, or if anything happened at all, but I know she was there and I was, too,

Uncannily, I've written a poem with a virtually identical line. Needless to say, I like it.

I think it's pretty good. It gets slow toward the middle, I feel as though you belabour the character's quirky way of thinking and could cut or combine some of the characterizing paragraphs that describe her walk. A lot of them don't tell us anything about this girl we don't already know.
The description of the actual encounter needs to be longer, at present it doesn't satisfy. This is a pretty scattered girl who seems to develop a fleeting fascination with virtually everything, if we're to believe she's truly captivated in especial by this woman, the actual meeting her needs more space in the narrative.
I want to know more about the narrator, too-- you mention her father early on, but the thread is dropped. Dimensionalize her, give us more clues as to what her life is like.

[HumanePain]

I loved the imagery Ophie! A pleasant diversion.

I couldn't tell if the following was intentional or not (maybe you wanted to make your first person character more human by being contradictory) :

At the beginning, she remembers 8:30, and by the lake she remembers smoking at ten, but in between you say

"because I never really have had a head for numbers or keeping track of things like time or dates. "

It made this reader pause and ponder the contradiction.

* * *

The only awkward sentence I would rephrase is

"A doe, I think I remember."

as this makes this reader pause and think about it, it disrupted the dream flow.

I think it would flow better as:

""A doe, I think."

or

""A doe, if I remember."

But I love the way you hook the reader at the beginning, about the father screaming about the painting, there should be more about this, this reader was made to think that perhaps she embarks on the walk to escape the screaming father. There is a room for making the story tug on the reader's emotions even more, making the reader sympathetic for the character, and perhaps despise the father. Emotions always make the story more exciting.

I thought it flowed very well and is an original in concept. I only offer the above as constructive criticism because I know you appreciate it.

Please write more! You have us hooked, we wait for the next chapter!

[Underwater Ophelia]

Originally Posted by Jaye Jang

However, major things were numbers: Time stamps were the REALLY major thing I noticed. When you use times without o'clock, i.e. one o'clock, etc. you need to use numerals (e.g. 1 p.m., 8 a.m., etc. -- or 1 PM and 8 AM are also acceptable). Anytime you use a time stamp WHERE THE NUMBER is greater than an even number, (even if AM or p.m. are merely IMPLIED e.g. one-thirty or whatever), ALWAYS use numerals and ALWAYS use a colon (i.e. 8 a.m. or 1 PM, but 10:45, 8:30 AM, etc.). Also, with the use of numbers in sentences, if the number is greater than ten -- use numerals. For example you should write one minute or ten years, but 30 minutes or 20 years. (Oh, and just to get complicated, use NUMERALS with fractionated numbers also -- unless the number is at the BEGINNING of a sentence. For example, begin a sentence with one-and-a-half or one and one-half years, but END it with 1-1/2 years) -- and remember, NEVER start a sentence with a numeral or a hyphenated word. Big grammatic no no. Capice.

I was wondering if that would piss anyone off.

I did all of those things on purpose for the sake of style. I started a sentence with "and!"

But thank you.

[Underwater Ophelia]

Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus

Uncannily, I've written a poem with a virtually identical line. Needless to say, I like it.

I think it's pretty good. It gets slow toward the middle, I feel as though you belabour the character's quirky way of thinking and could cut or combine some of the characterizing paragraphs that describe her walk. A lot of them don't tell us anything about this girl we don't already know.
The description of the actual encounter needs to be longer, at present it doesn't satisfy. This is a pretty scattered girl who seems to develop a fleeting fascination with virtually everything, if we're to believe she's truly captivated in especial by this woman, the actual meeting her needs more space in the narrative.
I want to know more about the narrator, too-- you mention her father early on, but the thread is dropped. Dimensionalize her, give us more clues as to what her life is like.

I guess I could go on more about the narrator, but DEFINITELY not the woman in the park. The whole point is that there is NOTHING special about her or the encounter. The narrator just obsesses over random shit.

[Underwater Ophelia]

Originally Posted by HumanePain

I loved the imagery Ophie! A pleasant diversion.

I couldn't tell if the following was intentional or not (maybe you wanted to make your first person character more human by being contradictory) :

At the beginning, she remembers 8:30, and by the lake she remembers smoking at ten, but in between you say

"because I never really have had a head for numbers or keeping track of things like time or dates. "

It made this reader pause and ponder the contradiction.

Maybe I didn't, but I'm pretty sure I had addressed this. There are two specific reasons why she remembers only these times. The first because her father called her, and the second because it's the time she smokes her first cigarette every day.

While it's true, this character doesn't do dates and numbers, I gave those two specific things emphasis because of the fact that she remembers the time because of them.

At least that was the idea.
Heh.

[a morbid curiosity]

I really liked the style of it, actually; so vivid and the character is really believable. You pulled off the first-person narrative greatly. I'm just saying what everyone else said, but it's true. Continue?

[Underwater Ophelia]

I'm afraid there won't be a continuation of this particular piece, but I might make a similar one.

A series or something.

[Jaye Jang]

Ophie, not pissed, dudette. Just mentally fried. (Been working back-to-back shifts on both jobs for the last three weeks. Did not get off until 12:30 AM). Actually I was worried about pissing you off, because I kind of went a little overboard. (BTW, note to British friends, 'pissed' in Americanese, means angry, not drunk). As for times, etc. -- now that I've finished my shift with job #1 and I'm a little wider awake -- the idea of keeping the protagonist 'in-character' is actually very clever. You could achieve the same 'device' by utilizing correct time stamps and have your character 'spacing off' times and dates. (I even do that when I'm really tired). However, would be interested in seeing future 'developments' from you.

[Saya]

I read it this morning and was trying to think of something I could point out on how to improve it, but the only thing I can think of is that the ending is very abrupt, but thats not something I mind very much.

I very much like your style of narration, it gave the narrator a lot of personality. I like that it wasn't a big meaningful piece but just like sitting in the head of a strange obsessive girl for a bit. And I hope you stick with narration and short stories, I would love to see what else you can write ^_^