The Suicide

[Vampire__Lord]

look i am trying, to make my writing better and i need ur help ppl, including u maximus... This is something i wrote earlier...

I got a sweet white flower
it was so beautiful and angelic
i wanted to send it to my love
but she is oversees so i took it
i burned the flower and watched it turn into ashes
it was burning like my heart
my heart that burns with desire
the heart that longs for her my angel
i took the ashes and whispered to them
please go to my loved one
carry her a message
a message that says
oh my sweet little angle
i am always with you
to hold you in my arms
to love you and think of you till my time comes
then i casted the ashes to a strong wind
i saw the wind carry my message hoping that one day
these ashes will find the way
the way to the face of my loved one
to touch her gentle face and remind her of the one
the one that loves her and will always do till the end of time

[Apathy's_Child]

Yeah - and phrases, and images.........

-The red rose
-"The pain of love / loneliness"
-"I would bleed for you"
-"I would lay down my life for you"
-"The rose is stained with my blood"
-"My heart will always bleed for you"

are all pure cliche. Make it personal - this is completely generic. Love poems are damn near impossible to write without resorting to some form of cliche, which is why many good poets stay the fuck away from them.

A good excercise is to think of an event which happened in your life. It can be funny, sad, or just plain odd. Write a short poem about it. A lot of my poems are based on this stuff, and Disaffected Shoelaces - one of the best poets I've seen on these boards - also does something similar at times. I'm not saying it's the only way to write, but it is a good one.

[Vampire__Lord]

Thank you Apathy

[Mealla]

It relies on images, themes, and words that have been overused in goth poetry, and it tells the reader too much instead of invoking the mood you want.

[a morbid curiosity]

Originally Posted by Apathy's_Child

Love poems are damn near impossible to write without resorting to some form of cliche, which is why many good poets stay the fuck away from them.

There is an exception, however, if you want to write a witty love poem. Think Dorothy Parker. If you're going to write one, add some satire or humour. But maybe your poetry isn't at the stage where you can pull that off at the moment.

I would agree with Apathy that you have to write about some experience. If you're going to use a metaphor or a simile, don't choose the first one that comes to mind: "It was painful, therefore I'll talk about blood and broken hearts and the thorns of roses!". I've said this before, and it probably won't be the last time, but if you're ever stuck for an analogy, write the word of the emotion you hope to evoke, then make a spider diagram of everything you associate with it.

I have to say though, it's good to see a new person with such determination to learn from their mistakes.
Nice to meet you.

[Heavenly_Goth]

that's an amazing poem...keep writting I look foreward to reading more.

[gothicusmaximus]

I'll make this simple: You're trying to express your every idea or feeling or what-have-you in a way that absolutely no one else has even come close to conceiving of before.
Don't post again until you think you've achieved that.

[Apathy's_Child]

Originally Posted by a morbid curiosity

There is an exception, however, if you want to write a witty love poem. Think Dorothy Parker. If you're going to write one, add some satire or humour. But maybe your poetry isn't at the stage where you can pull that off at the moment.

Yes, this is a generalization. Obviously good ones do exist - I'm not familar with Dorothy Parker, but "The Love-Pet" by Ted Hughes and "Time Was Away & Somewhere Else" by Louis Macniece spring to mind.

However, I will say that I've never read a good one by an amateur poet (and I include my own in that, which is why I quit writing them). Also, I can count the number I've liked on one hand.

[Vampire__Lord]

thank you all, and gothicus the only thing that would make me post again is that i need to get your opinion about them btw although u are being harsh and mean, i think u are the person that would make me wanna improve :P for real and morbid nice to meet you too

[Fatbaby]

Still the damn smiley faces.

[Vampire__Lord]

but they are getting less and less by time, right?

[Draconysius]

Sounds like a H.I.M. song. Granted, that's not a compliment. I should HOPE you kill yourself with the shallow view you've presented on suicide. See, I can be bitter.

[Draconysius]

Originally Posted by Vampire__Lord

look i am trying, to make my writing better and i need ur help ppl, including u maximus... This is something i wrote earlier...

oh my sweet little angle

I like geometry too, but Jesus...

[Noirette]

You probably meant angel.
You may find a dictionary helpful.

[Joker_in_the_Pack]

Originally Posted by Vampire__Lord

joker look man i really do know english, and writing letters like u well i only do that when i am writing formal english, i am from lebanon an arab country u moron, and ppl around here dont speak english like u probably wood, so when u can pronounce the arabic letters properly or even give it a fucking try, then u come and tell me learn english, and btw i do read all the time, not stupid poems, and not stupid books, i read about paolo coelho, and shakespear, and capitalize all the letters at the begining of each sentence well do i look like im writing a formal letter to some big company or what? piss off coz i know 3 languages and u only know one, and giving ppl advices is cool and i would love to get advices from all of u, but one thing i hate is ppl that brag about something they know since they were babies, and think theyre the best and better than all the ppl, well i am good in arabic, but i dont see myself bragging that i am better than any of YOU, i really thank Mageara she is nice, and plus gothicus maximus i read one of ur poems and for real, i thought u were just talking plain english, and putting words together, it had no life, it had no taste, it was nothing, and u might have seen a better poem than mine, but well u cant write shit near me, this poem i wrote it took me 10 minutes when i was in the math course in the university, well i wrote some better poems that i didnt post but then why am i talking to a person that doesnt know a shit about me or what i write...

I know you're from an arab country, you're still a moron. Let me help you.

P-E-O-P-L-E
Y-O-U

and for the love of all that is good and gramatical,

CAPITALIZE THE FIRST LETTER OF EVERY SENTENCE AND THE WORD I YOU IDIOT!

[Ishan]

Originally Posted by Fatbaby

Here's some more advice.
Stop using smiley faces.

*laughing with sinister appreciation*

Perfect .. who smiles in here? We laugh ... but we do not smile.

The poem is a bit forced, try relaxing and letting the words flow. I know when I *makes it fit no matter what* ... it doesn't come across as beautifully as when I just permit the expression to control me.

...

I dream each night of devils and delight;
and packing my good I steal the night.

et cetera

[siren118]

Originally Posted by Joker_in_the_Pack

I know you're from an arab country, you're still a moron. Let me help you.

P-E-O-P-L-E
Y-O-U

and for the love of all that is good and gramatical,

CAPITALIZE THE FIRST LETTER OF EVERY SENTENCE AND THE WORD I YOU IDIOT!

Just to let you know, you irked me so much I actually registered onto this site just to bitch at you. We're writing on computers... who the fuck capitilizes and has correct grammar on a computer. No duh.. ppl do it on purpose (omg I didn't spell out people). So stop being such a jerk and get over yourself.

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by siren118

We're writing on computers... who the fuck capitilizes and has correct grammar on a computer

Uh, well, you do, for the most part.

[Sir Canvas Corpsey]

Originally Posted by siren118

Just to let you know, you irked me so much I actually registered onto this site just to bitch at you. We're writing on computers... who the fuck capitilizes and has correct grammar on a computer. No duh.. ppl do it on purpose (omg I didn't spell out people). So stop being such a jerk and get over yourself.

If anything, computers make writing even easier than it already is, that should be more than enough incentive for people to follow correct grammar and so forth.

[MegearaErotica]

Originally Posted by Ishan

*laughing with sinister appreciation*

Perfect .. who smiles in here? We laugh ... but we do not smile.

Sometimes I smile...

[a morbid curiosity]

I smile more than anyone I know. I have a manic nervous grin.

Anyway, Joker... I enjoyed the fact that you didn't put inverted commas around the "I" in your little grammatical rant.

[Joker_in_the_Pack]

Originally Posted by a morbid curiosity

I smile more than anyone I know. I have a manic nervous grin.

Anyway, Joker... I enjoyed the fact that you didn't put inverted commas around the "I" in your little grammatical rant.

I didn't want to confuse them

[a morbid curiosity]

Haha, nice.