The Ghost in the Attic

[Sendo]

My first poem posted on g.net.

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The Ghost in the Attic

I press my ear against the white-washed floor,
Do I hear your heart beating slowly
Like some sadistic metronome?
Or is that the creaking floorboards
As you pace in circles in your room
Glancing at the ceiling every now and again?
Ah, that’s a creaking bed spring,
I know that sound, and so do you.

I press my eye against a hole in the floor,
To catch a glimpse of your face.
I remember your eyes were so full of greed and want,
Do you remember mine? So young, so willing to love, so naive?
Or did those memories go up in my pyre’s flame,
When you were done with me?
But there are the footsteps again.
You’re trapped, I know, in a cage
Where my memory is etched in all the bars.

[Mr E Nigma]

Quite interesting.

Constructive criticism (obviously my opinion, so if you don't like it that's quite alright):

"Or did those memories go up in my pyre's flame, When you were done with me?" Suggestion: "Or did those memories flicker and die, Like the fire that used to burn in your heart."

"As you pace in circles in your room" Suggestion: "As you pace in circles" (Leave off, in your room, I don't think it's necessary to convey what you're trying to say.)

[Sendo]

Thank you. I make it a point not to dislike constructive criticism, if I did my writing class wouldn't be very pleasant. Thank you for taking the time to make suggestions.

The phrase pyre was actually supposed to be quite literal, as in a funeral pyre. Since it's my writing that has made that unclear, do you have any ideas on how to make it clear? Or do you think that it's better just to abandon the whole ghost aspect of the poem and just write about a relationship that ended but had no real "physical" (as in the death of the speaker) consequences?

I'm open to all options, as this poem is in it's fledgling stages.

Alright, that makes sense.